Come, Josephine

Chapter 36

   1928

   Jack was gone from where I had left him at the top of the stairs.
   I stood at the top, a little confused as to where he could be, when I heard talking from within the room mamma had been in earlier.
    It was a low, soft voice- Jack's. I couldn't make out distinct words, but it sounded as if he was trying to sooth someone.
   I could hear crying. It was a soft, muffled noise and wrought with worry. It was then that I realised it was mamma who was crying, and that Jack was trying to calm her down.
   I went closer to the door and pressed my ear to it. I could hear the creaking of the bed as someone sat down, and the noise of someone moving about under the sheets. I heard Jack's voice first, "Rose? Come here, come on."
   There was more shuffling. "Jack, I need to tell you something. But it's not why I'm crying- or not really. I promise," her voice was choked with tears, but a little clearer, "I'm pregnant."
   "Really?" His voice was bright and filled with disbelief, "you're pregnant?"
   "Yes, I am-  I promise. But Jack?"
   "Yeah?"
   "Please, don't tell Josie yet. Let's wait a while, until we're home- or I start showing."
   "Why? I'm sure she'll be overjoyed."
   "Yes, I know. But she won't be able to keep the smile off her face- neither will you, come to that. But I don't want mother knowing."
   There was a moment of silence, "how far along are you?"
   "I don't know- a couple of months? I'm already gaining weight- I struggled to button my dress earlier."
    "Are you feeling alright, though?"
   "No morning sickness, if that's what you mean. But I'm really tired- and a little emotional."
I stood back from the door, aghast. I went downstairs, a little shaky, and sat on the front step of the house. What had I just heard? Mamma was pregnant- so much was happening at once, my head spun. What was I to do? I could hardly hide the smile on my face-
I heard footsteps heading down the hall, and I forced my face to relax.
"Josie, you down here?" Jack said, "hey, kid."
"Yeah, I'm good," I said, "I mean, yeah."
"Hmmm?" His voice was a little distant, but he jogged over to me, "everything alright?"
"Yeah."
"You sure? You don't seem right."
"I don't?"
"No, Jose, what's up?"
I sighed. I looked down the garden to see a robin sat on the gate. He gazed over at as, nonchalant and calm. I longed for my sketchpad to transfer his image onto paper.
"Will you go for a walk with me, dad?"
He nodded, a little cautiously, and we went down the path. The house was long out of sight before Jack broke the silence, "you alright?"
"Yes- well, no," I said, struggling to swallow the lump in my throat, "Jack, can I talk to you about Nick?"
He kept his voice level, although something nervous hid behind it. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him turn to look at me, "he hasn't hurt you, has he?"
I startled, "what? No, of course not. Has Nick ever shown any inclination towards hurting me?"
"No," Jack admitted, "God, this whole father thing makes me worry, you know? I don't want to watch my kid get hurt. I don't think I'll be any better when..."
His voice trailed off. I gave him a quizzical look, and he suddenly smiled, "you know, when you get married- I know Rose and I want you to hold off a bit, but you'll be gone before I know what to say about it."
I blinked furiously, "oh, Jack, I'm not leaving just yet. You know that."
"I know, kid. But it'll happen some time, right?"
   We walked in silence for a moment. The day was warm and bright, and the grass gleamed with new life. The leaves on the trees seemed to glow in the sunlight as if they were carved from gemstone. It was so beautiful, so peaceful, that I couldn't look away.
   I cleared my throat, "I'm worried about Nick."
   "Why's that?"
   "I'm not being fair, Jack. I keep disappearing- and for what? I never tell him what's going on- I just vanish and expect him to be okay with it?"
   "You know your mamma-"
   "Yeah- I get that, okay? I know she's the important one here and I'm worried about her. I know it's her mother who's dying but I need some warning before we disappear. I'm always being left in the dark."
   He frowned, "well, your ma has a lot to deal with right about now-"
   "And don't we all know it?" I snapped.
   He didn't say a word. A horrible feeling grew in my gut. Shouldn't I be kinder to mamma? She was the one who had to deal with everything, but her utter disregard for everyone else made my stomach churn. I was always the one being left out of things- the diamond, her past, Jack.
   "I know you're angry, Josie, but go easy on her," he said, "and how do you know Nick's mad with you?"
   "He's not- at least not outwardly. But I saw his face when he finally found out about Cal. He was completely and utterly shocked! And why shouldn't he be? Nick is kind, Jack, but it's not right leaving him out of things. If he's to... well, spend any more time with me, shouldn't he know what's going on? I see the way he looks at me when I turn up late or tell him I have to go home. He's worried half the time that I'm going to get shot again."
   "Josie, I'm sure he understands," something sympathetic crossed his face.
   "He might do, but he's going to get sick of it- Lord knows I am," a scratchy laugh rose in my throat, "and how can I even tell him the truth if I don't know what's going on? It's hilarious."
   "Josie-"
   "Jack, I just want to go home. I want to go swimming in the lake, and go for walks with Nick, and ride horses. I don't want this," I gestured to the house, "or this," my hands smoothed my dress, "or this God-damn thing!" I pulled the emeralds out of my pocket and tossed them to Jack. He stared, speechless, at the gems.
   They were even more beautiful in daylight. They gleamed and shone as if they were thriving in the brightness. Distorted colour spun from them, and the rays of light bounced back. As Jack beheld them, I grew nervous.
   "She gave them to me," my voice softened, "to do what I want with. I was thinking of selling them to put some money towards my future, whatever that is. I was going to give you and mamma half-"
   "Hide them from your ma," he said, his voice stern, "and keep the money. It will be a lot- Josie, keep them safe, okay?"
   We walked back to the house in silence. It was not uncomfortable, but something hung between us. Something clouded rested in Jack's eyes, and I wondered what it was.