Come, Josephine

Chapter 35

   I stood quietly at the top of the stairs. I did not know how to break the silence that engulfed the hallway, or how to stir him from his daze. I leaned over the banister from where I stood, trying to catch a full view of his profile.
   His eyes fluttered over to me, "Josephine, I didn't realise you were there."
    "You okay, Jack?" I scanned his face again. The worry that lined his face was gone, but something was eerily still. I frowned.
   "I'm fine," he said.
   "Where's mamma? Is she okay?"
   "She's in the bedroom over there," He thought for a moment, "she's okay, I think. She's just a little... disoriented by all this, you know? Don't worry, Jose, she's alright."
   I didn't want to press him; he was clearly concerned about mamma, and there was no need to add to that. I gave him a sympathetic smile, and told him I was going downstairs to write a letter to Nick. He smiled back, a little hollow, and I went downstairs.
   Jack would take care of mamma, I reassured myself. He loved her dearly- as if she was a part of himself. His love for her was honest. It was not selfish, or suffocating, or driven by alterer motives. It was the sort of company mamma needed; after all that she had been through, and all that she had been forced to do out of "love", Jack's utter selflessness had healed her.
   From the moment he had grabbed her hand and hauled her over the side of the ship, to the moment he put her before himself one final time, Jack loved her purely and wholly. He must have always known it, from the moment he had laid eyes on her, but the way he let mamma choose herself over all else was the thing that saved her. Jack never needed mamma. She needed him. He didn't need a wife, or a daughter to pawn off, or someone to emotionally burden. He loved her regardless of his needs.
   In return, mamma had honoured him in every possible way. She didn't idolise him, but she certainly loved him devotedly. I had no doubt that mamma would defend Jack with her life, if only it could show him how much she loved him.
   It was hard to focus on the letter when something was wrong with mamma, but I couldn't keep upsetting myself, or Jack, with the worry.
   I dug out a pen and a bottle of ink from the writing desk in one of the smaller rooms in the house. I set about writing the letter, but I couldn't think of how to start it.
Dear Nick,
I wrote. The words seemed a little cold, or hollow, or empty, but I committed myself to the letter. I continued:
Dear Nick,
I write now to let you know that it may be some time before we return. I want to explain some things to you so that you will not worry.
Mamma's mother, Ruth, is unwell. She wrote to us in order to ask for mamma as she is dying. Mamma was torn at first, but the morning we left, I went downstairs to see that mamma was insistent on going. I'm sorry there was not time to say goodbye properly, I really am.
Ruth is a little peculiar. She remains insistent in scorning Jack, although I think it's superficial. I don't think she has a real reason to hate him, and maybe that's why she does. I know she's elitist, and believes that people like us should not mix with "her sort", so I imagine that is the root of her rage. She has been cruel to mamma since we arrived this morning, and mamma refuses to talk to her unless she can be civil. Ruth refuses to so much as look at Jack or acknowledge his place in mamma's heart. Why can't she see how important they are to each other?
She is a little less hostile to me, but I think she's imagining I'm something that I'm not. She says I'm like mamma, and I can hear the disgust in her voice when she says it. I don't think she wants to acknowledge how similar to Jack I am. She gave me a gift, I think. I promise I'll show it to you when I get home.
I don't want to stay here too long, and if I had it my way, we would be home already. If she was well enough to get out to bed, I suppose she would try to dress me up like a frilly socialite and push me head-first into a ballroom to find a rich husband. I don't know which would be worse- wearing a ridiculous dress or being forced to socialise with- and daresay marry- someone as horrid as her! I am glad she is bedridden for that alone.
I can see why mamma hated her so much as I'm beginning to feel the same way. Poor mamma is distraught with it all! Nick, I would give my soul to have you beside me now.
We are staying in Philadelphia (address enclosed) at Ruth's house. We are perfectly safe, I promise. I don't know how long we are going to stay here, but I want you to know that my feelings towards you are unchanged. I remain yours, and only yours, until my return. I promise I will never leave like this again once it is all settled here. I'm sorry, so please don't be angry with me. I know you'll deny it, and tell me I'm being silly, but I know how you hate being left out of things, particularly when you worry.
Always yours, Josephine Dawson.
I finished the letter, and sealed it into an envelope. I left it in the "outgoing" slot on the letter-rack and prayed that it would find its way to Nick's place. What if it didn't? He would be sick with worry, and I knew that all too well.
   At last, I went out into the front garden. It was beautiful- well crafted, meticulously cared over, and organised. Roses bloomed among evergreen shrubs, the petals dewy and fresh. I let the sunlight beam onto my face, warming my skin with surprising tenderness. I smiled to the heavens, glad for the spring weather.
   There was still a nip in the air, so I avoided all shade and dipped away from breezes. As I walked out of the front garden, I veered away from the path and favoured the sunlight.
   I made my way down the road, and then over a stye into a field. I marched along, hiking my skirts up, trying to thaw the frozen hollow in my chest.
   Mamma's outburst had upset me, but I knew that Jack would take care of her. He hadn't failed mamma in the time that she had known him, so why should I doubt that? He loved mamma whole-heartedly and would not let anything bad happen to her. I knew that, at least.
   My mind slipped over everything that clouded it. I thought back to mere weeks ago, when I had told Nick how I really felt. He had been so honest, so sweet, and I let myself whisper the words into the open, if only I could relive the moment.
"Josie?" He said, tilting his head, "what's wrong? Why are you looking at me that way?"
I smiled over at him from where I sat on the picnic blanket. Although it was big enough for two, Nick insisted on sitting on the grass. I too, sat barefoot, letting my feet tangle in the grass, but the food spread out on the blanket had taken my attention.
I licked off the remaining jam from my finger, "nothing," I grinned.
"Well, it's clearly something- don't tell me!" He laughed, "are you going to pour a bucket of cold water over my head to get me back for earlier?"
He had, days earlier, thrown me into the lake while I wasn't looking. He had dove in after me, laughing, and I had walloped him over the back of the head for tossing me in. We usually swam on the warmest of days, but a mild spring morning was hardly ideal. I grinned.
"I've contemplated it, but no."
"Then I've done something else terrible and you're plotting revenge."
"No!" I laughed, "Is there something you're hiding from me?"
"No, no," he pulled a mock-frown.
"Fine," I said, examining his playful expression, "come here."
He shuffled over, sitting down beside me. He gave me a quizzical look, and I leaned closer.
"I've been wanting to tell you that... I love you."
"You... love me?"
"Yes, I love you. Whole-heartedly. How do you feel?"
"Pretty much the same, yeah," he laughed, and became a little more serious, "yes, I love you too."
I leaned in closer and his lips made contact with mine. I kissed him back, letting him place his hand over mine which rested on the blanket.
I reached behind me, feeling for the pitcher of water which sat behind me. I grasped it, raised it up, and poured the contents of water over his head. He gasped, sitting back, and trying to grasp my wrist. I shot back, stumbling to my feet.
I ran off, laughing and shrieking, and he came after me.
"Alright, that's it!" He laughed, "guess who's going back in the lake? Come here, you!"
"No! No!" I screamed, darting away, "you'll never get me!"
I reached the end of the field. The memory seemed so bittersweet in that moment. Would I feel such happiness again soon? It was already so morbid at Ruth's house, and the absence of Nick made my heart ache more. I wanted nothing more than to feel his embrace, or button his coat because his arm was too stiff. I just wanted to say a proper goodbye- but even that had been too much to ask.
I frowned, and started the walk back to the house.