Spellbound

Part 19

Lera

And I've done it again. Pushed away another person because I can't deal with my feelings. I feel awful for hurting Christian, I just can't help the self-doubt that's taking over me. It's not like I'm anything special, Christian will probably come across a thousand better people than me when he leaves.

"Ahhhhhh!" I thrash my arms against my bed again, annoyed at my own thoughts. Why can't I just enjoy things as they are? Why do I have to overanalyse every aspect of my life, consequently sabotaging everything and everyone I care about.

"Just go talk to him L." Kat interrupts my thoughts as she sits cross-legged on her own bed.

"I can't, I basically convinced him to break up with me. That's the worst thing you could possibly do to someone who loves you, and I did it. I hurt him so badly I can't even begin to comprehend it, he probably hates me." I reply, burying my head in my tear stained pillow.

"Oh come on, we both know he could never hate you."

I don't reply to Kat's comment, instead returning to my self loathing.

"Oh come on, if this is you after only 24 hours of hurting him, it really shows you two can't be apart. Or, shouldn't, for everyone's sakes." Kat continues.

She's got a point there. Both me and Christian have been miserable the past day, consequently making everyone else tense and on edge. The one thing I was trying to avoid, how's that for irony.

"I don't get what the issue is. You love Christian, and he loves you more than words can describe, everyone can see it. Nothing should be keeping you two apart, so just talk to him and get back together already. Okay, so there may be times where you feel insecure about who he may be going to college with, but that's not a reason to be miserable and self-hating when it's so clear the boy would marry you in an instant when given the chance." Kat says, her voice continuing to fill our room.

Wait, marry me?

"Ahhh, why is this so difficult?" I grumble, so confused by everything and anything.

"L, love is simple. It's the people that make it difficult." Kat replies, shaking her head at my worrying. "Come on, get up, we're making breakfast. Pancakes or waffles?"

"Waffles." I grumble, slowing moving my way off my bed. Kat takes my arm, bringing me into a tight hug. She's a great friend, and I appreciate how she's helping me sort through all of this.

Kat opens the door, and I follow her down the hall to the stairs. I quickly look over to Christian's room, my heart sighing at the closed door. Why'd I have to fuck everything up?

I sit at one of the kitchen bench stools as Kat busies herself finding ingredients for the waffles. As she mixes the batter, I heave myself off of the stool in search of the waffle maker. I rifle through cupboards until I finally find it behind the toaster. I lift it off the shelf, placing it on the island next to Kat. After doing my civil duty, I lay my arms on the bench, leaning my head on them. I shut my eyes tightly, willing everything to go away like a bad dream.

I hear the sizzling off the waffles before a soft thumping comes from the stairs. I stand up straighter and stretch my back before my eyes land on him. His hair looks dishevelled, dark circles underneath his eyes.

"Goodmorning Christian, would you like a waffle." Kat says, her cheery voice attempting to break the tension I'm sure he can feel too.

"Hi, I'm good for now, but thanks anyway." he replies, his eyes not leaving mine.

I want to say something, to reach out and simply touch him. To feel the curves of his face, to kiss his irresistible dimples, to feel his warm breathe on my cheek. But I can't find the words. My body feels still, my voicebox gone.