Bey's POV
Staring at my reflection in the mirror took me deep into thought. Maybe I could give myself advice since Junior's unavailable right now.
I think of words I could say to myself to make everything better. Words that Junior would tell me. Things Nicki say to cheer me up.
I am loved. I am here. I am not alone. I am loved. I am here. I am not alone. I'll hurt a lot of people if I leave this place. I repeat all these things in the mirror hoping they'd change my mind. Hoping I'd recognize this reflection of myself. I had to find which version of myself I was today. Happy Beyoncé? Sad Beyoncé? Strong Beyoncé? Heartless Beyoncé? Junior's Beyoncé's? Nicki's Beyoncé? Smart Beyoncé? Charles's Beyoncé? I didn't know who I was anymore. It's like I have mask I wear for different people and I wear those masks faithfully.
It's been 5 days since Junior's went to go rest. His wake was today but I didn't bother going. There was no point. I never got why people wanted to make themselves sadder by seeing a dead body twice. I haven't cried since the night he died. Not that I'm not sad anymore. I'll always be sad. I just get what's going on now. And someday I'll learn to accept that. Not today though. Surely not today.
Today the trap was filled with big guys and strippers crying and looking sad. Some of these niggas never said a word to Junior. Probably didn't even know his last name. Some of these assholes knew how young he was and let him kill people like it was cool. Like it was something to be rewarded for. I'm just glad Junior left this place knowing his wrongs. That kid was no saint. He was no bad guy either. He was just a kid down on his luck who needed to find his magic.
Charlie sat at his shitty thrown actually looking sad. He even looked like he had been crying. Who knew devil's could cry for angels? He saw me and sighed like he'd lost a Junior before too. "Wassup thug. How you holding up?", he daps me up. He knew the answer he just tried having a conversation in a shitty time. "So as you know J's service tomorrow. We have everything ready, all nice and sweet for 'em. I know you think I'm a heartless idiot but I'm not. I loved that kid even though you didn't see it. That kid saved my life and he should've hated me. That kid was a man more than I was and he was 14. I respect him, salute to him", he crossed his heart as he looked to the sky. He seemed real. It was too late but I wasn't going to ruin the moment. "He definitely was", I say. Charles went on and on about the service details. I wasn't listening I just admired the view.
I hear Charles repeating my name so I pay attention now. "Like I was saying I just need you to show up. You was his person so make it his thing", he says. It was his thing. It was his time to rest. It was all about him. I didn't say that to Charles. He'd just go on and on about. "Ok. That's all?", I ask. I wanted to go home. I wanted to get as far away from this trap as possible. It reminded me of Junior too much. "Junior had some for you", I snap into reality quickly. What could Junior have for me? "What?", I say confused. "Well as you know just in case you died I made all y'all write a letter to a loved one. So no one would come looking for y'all", he explained. I forgot about that. Now I see how smart that actually was. "Well J wrote to you. I never looked at them so I don't know what they say. You can read somewhere else. Too much sad shit here as is", he hands me a black envelope with a joker's seal. This was definitely Junior, he loved the Joker. Said he was one of the most brilliant good guys of them all. I never got that but it didn't matter now. I walked from Charles's office into the living room. People smothered me with sympathy. Only 3 of them had spoke to Junior from the 18 people that spoke to me. I guess it's the thought they counts.
"Yo Thug!", I hear Charles shout. I walk back to his office slowly because there's no rush. He couldn't hurt me anymore. Junior was gone. So I'd do what I pleased from now on. "Thug!", he shouted again. I walked slow as I could through the door. His face was priceless which caused a small smile to show on my face. "Here", he holds his hand out. It was Junior's penny. He carried this thing everywhere. He promised me it was lucky. He'd always say, "I think our break in the clouds is already here, it's just a pretty penny away." He'd hold this penny up like it was the brightest thing in the world, and he believed it. Hell I even believed it. "How'd you get this?", I ask. "Last thing he told me was to give you the penny. Said this'll have to be your light till you see your star again", he caused me to smile. Gosh I miss this kid so much. I took the penny and the letter and headed home.
Nicki was still at my house from before. She seems a lot happier since we've been dating. She says I make her happier than I'd imagine. I don't see how but that's how she feels.
"What's that?", she sits in my lap. Her legs are wrapped around my waist and her arms round my neck. I'm sitting at the kitchen counter when she almost makes me lose balance. She doesn't notice so I play along, "It's some stuff Junior left for me. I don't know what it is", I admit. She takes interest in the penny as if she's seen it before. "This is his lucky penny right?", she asks. I nodded. She looked sad too. I didn't even bother asking how she was. She wasn't close as I was to Junior but she still adored him. "Hey how're feeling about everything?", I rub her stomach. She looks into my eyes so I give her a smile. She liked seeing me happy. Even though I wasn't anymore. Unless I was with her. I was happy then. "I miss his little jokes. And magic tricks. He seemed like a really cool and sweet kid", she smiled. "I remember he showed me his magic trick. I thought it didn't go as planned. He ended up taking my wallet and my Rolex. He of course returns it later but I say that because he was a funny kid. ", we both laugh. He was funny. I liked how she didn't pretend to know him. She said the truth and how she felt. "I'm sorry you're sad", I kiss down her neck. She goes crazy because that's her sensitive spot. I found that out a while ago.
"Beyyy", she smiles into my neck. I leave a hickey there and then give her my full attention. Her dimples drove me crazy when she smiled. I loved everything about her but her dimples and smile did it for me. And the way she looked into my eyes like I was the only person in the world. She made me feel special and wanted. "You never let me give you a hickey", she pushes me softly. I grab her ass which makes her smile more. "Do you want to give me some? I never knew you felt like that", I say. She laughs like I was the funniest thing in the world. "Yes. So these hoes would know who Ken is", I tilt my head. Who the fuck was ken? "ken?", I slightly move her legs from around my waist. "From Barbie baby", she says softly. "I'm Barbie and you're Ken", she says. I laugh when I realize she's serious. "I'm you Ken baby. Thank you I'm honored", I hug her. She kisses my neck as she slowly leaves marks on them. She was lovely. And she made me lovely with her.
I carried her bridal style to my room. She was asleep. She was tired from her busy day today. I layed her on the bed and covered her up. At this moment she was dreaming. I wondered if she dreamed of me. I head downstairs to Junior's letter. I never knew he wrote to me. He never said anything. I guess that was the point.
I slowly broke the Joker seal. I tied thinking of what it'd say. Then I thought about who wrote the letter, Junior. He was unpredictable like me. I unfolded the letter that had miles of words front and back. I began reading.
Dear B,
I know you're probably thinking why did this kid write a letter to me. Well because you'd be the one to miss me, plus I had no one else to write to. You brought my life a lot of fun and happy days. With Beyoncé Knowles I wasn't just some lost kid or a killer, I was a good kid. You help me find hope in my shitty life. I thank you the most for that. I know I could never repay you but that penny would just have to do till you see my billion dollar smile again. I know you're laughing and probably hating on the smile cause Nicki liked it. Oh and about Nicki she loves you B like really really. Everybody loves B even if she's to blind to see it herself. I sound like a parent ugh I'm proud of you though. You were the mother/father I never got. You're the real joker. He and you are limitless and you always smile through everything. You two are the most brilliant people I know. Well I'm running out of time to write so before I go I want you to know I'm happy you found someone to love you just as much as I did.
from the real nigga, Junior.
P.S: I'm coming back to fucking haunt you.
After reading this letter I knew. Junior Moore wasn't gone. People like Junior Moore don't die, they have somewhere better to be.
