Swallowed in the Sea

It Will Rain

sorry for the wait folks but here it is! it was going to be the last chapter which is why it's much longer than my usual chapters so I hope you don't mind! I have one more chapter planned and then possibly an epilogue depending on how long the next chapter is and other stuff I haven't quite figured out.

hope you enjoy!

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There were many times when I thought about giving up. To just end everything once and for all. There would be no more pain, no more hurting. I guess that's what happens when you put your entire life into one person. You find that you are incredibly lost once they're gone.

I had many chances to end it all too. Many, many times. Many, many ways. There were many times where it all nearly ended. Times that weren't in my hands.

I could have died...and yet here I was.

Not exactly alive, but most definitely not dead.

"What if I chose to stay here with Stella...and you?" I asked my mother.

Stella was running around through the mist, laughing as she created great puffs of fog with her arms. I had taken a seat on the ground, sitting opposite my mother while my little sister continued with her running.

"That's up to you," My mother replied quietly, "I don't know what would happen."

"Would I die?" I knew it was a stupid question. Of course, I would die. Choosing to stay with my dead family could only happen if I was dead too.

And I would have to leave the family of mine that was still alive.

"I've told you before that you shied away from my touch from the moment you were born right?" My mother ignored the question I answered myself.

I nodded, "And I think I punched you that day."

"I guess I deserved it," My mother chuckled softly, as if the memory was fond in her remembrance, "What I'm trying to say is that it was as if you knew that I was never going to be the mother you deserved."

I didn't know what to say to that. I didn't remember that early in my life. Who did? I could only take my mother's word, but even if I did, what was I suppose to say? That she was right? That she was wrong?

"I used to hate you," I whispered admittedly, "Like really hate you...and deep down I think I hated myself for hating you."

It was quiet. Stella had disappeared back into the depths of the fog that was also eating up the silence. It was quiet, but it felt loud.

Swallowing, I continued, "I hated you for leaving...I hated you for not being there, I hated you for coming back high and drunk and screaming because you had no idea what was real and what wasn't."

"Is that why you started taking pills too?" My mother pried and I shrugged.

"What do you mean?"

My mother bit her lower lip, "Did you start taking pills because you saw what I did?"

I took in a shaky breath. Her question was inexplicit and her clarification was still unclear. I didn't necessarily take those pills for the first time because of my mother...it wasn't in spite, or because I was curious as to what it was about those pills that made my mother choose them over me.

"You would come home sometimes literally thinking that we didn't exist," I motioned vaguely into the silvery mist that Stella was somewhere in, "You didn't know what was real and what was just your head...when Stella died, I wanted that. I didn't want to know what was real."