Swallowed in the Sea

Head Above Water

I insisted on returning to school a few days after the funeral. I could tell that Arizona and Callie were hesitant about that idea but I convinced them that I needed the normalcy. I needed everything to be the way it used to be. When everything was okay.

"It's okay if you don't want to stay the entire day," Callie reminded me for the millionth time, "Just call and someone will pick you up."

"Okay," I acknowledged though I planned on making it through the day, "Have a good day!"

Arizona had started to say something but I slammed the car door shut, hurrying towards the school. I spotted Ila coming up the walkway but I really didn't feel like explaining my absence the past week so I picked up my pace and ducked into the school.

While I waited for the bell to ring, I hid in one of the bathroom stalls. Thankfully, nobody came in and when I heard the shrill ringing, I sighed and pulled myself up, heading back to the busy halls.

The corridors and the people that rushed through them felt suffocating. I seriously debated turning back and hiding in the bathroom for the rest of the day but I knew that if I didn't make it to class, Callie and Arizona would get a call and I really didn't want that to happen. I didn't need to give them any reason to think that I was anything but okay.

Somehow, I made it to my first class and somehow I made it through all of my morning classes without breaking down. I wasn't sure if Arizona and Callie had informed the school and the teachers of my mother's death but if they did, everyone acted as if they didn't know. Just what I wanted. Just what I needed.

Everything was fine.

When lunchtime rolled around, I dragged myself out of the classroom in a very zombie-like way. Only acting through the motions, I found myself standing in the entranceway of the cafeteria, making no move to go and actually take a seat at the table Ila and I always sat at.

Instead, my feet found themselves walking away from the cafeteria that was beginning to fill up quite rapidly. I ended up in the library and since food wasn't allowed in the library, I ended up skipping lunch.

I wasn't very hungry anyway.

~~~

It went on like that for a week. Then two weeks. Trying to pretend that everything was alright, that I was alright, was a lot harder than it sounded. Something just wasn't working and I couldn't figure out what that something was.

I was pretty good at it though if I did say so myself. I knew how much of my broken side to show to make my facade convincing and how much of it to hide away to deter any concern. I knew how much to say at therapy sessions and how much to keep to myself. Pretending in a lot of ways reminded me of running.

"I totally think we should go," Ila said and I raised an eyebrow.

"Remember what happened the last time we went?" I pointed out, "Remember how long four weeks felt?"

Ila groaned, "Don't remind me!"

"So how can you say that you think we should go?" I questioned tiredly. I hadn't been sleeping much lately.

"Because this time we'll ask for permission," Ila said simply.

I rubbed my eyes, "And if they say no."

"Then it's a no," Ila shrugged, "Hey, you sure you're okay?"

Yes, I had lied to my one and only friend and told her that I had just been out with a nasty bout of the stomach flu when in reality I was mourning my mother's death. Was that wrong of me? Did that make me a bad friend because I had been dishonest? Truthfully, I was too exhausted to dwell on it.