Dances and Ruin// Reiner Braun x OC

Chapter Thirty-One

Reiner can't think of many times when Peri has been this quiet or closed off. He thinks the last time he saw her like this was after Annie's assault on their first mission outside of the walls. Even then, it wasn't this bad. She at least screamed when she cried then, she couldn't breathe, she wore herself out to the point of passing out. Here, now, there's none of that. She lies silently in the corner of the room, staring idly into the distance, not even moving a muscle. Reiner can only look in intervals of a second at a time before looking away. Seeing her like this, it's too much for him to bear. He wishes she'd do something, anything, to show some part of her is still living or feeling. Surely, anything has to be better than this.

"...We can't allow that to be a meaningless slaughter. This is all in order to stop the rumbling. I'll do whatever it takes," Jean reasons. Reiner takes a break from staring Peri down in hopes of a change in heart and looks toward his other comrades.

He gulps, unsure of how he should proceed, "Jean."

Connie chokes back a sob as he slouches forward. "I... I shot and killed Samuel and Daz. I sliced up those faces I knew until they were unrecognizable, all while they called me a traitor... while they kept telling me they were saving the world. Hey, Reiner. You, Bertolt, Annie... It must have been awful for you."

Reiner's eyes flashback to Peri who is still lying motionless in the corner of the cargo area. He's convinced she hasn't moved an inch. His eyes direct back to the floor in front of him. "My sins are beyond redemption. I doubt I'll ever forgive myself for what I did, even if I were to manage to save what's left of humanity." Connie's head bows and tears carve trails down his cheeks. Reiner steps forward, clasping his hand on his shoulder. "So... Well, let's at least save the rest of humanity."

His friend looks up with widened eyes. His hand finds a place on top of Reiner's as he attempts to smile softly. "Yeah, Reiner. You're right. Even if we can't be redeemed, we've still got to do this, I guess."

Jean sighs, "That's right. I guess we're the same, Reiner. I never had any right to blame you for anything. I became a murderer in order to save others."

Reiner's heart sinks even lower, "Yeah." His mind falls back in time to the night of the raid on Liberio, the vision of Eren's hand reaching out to him as he spoke. "Eren told me the same thing the night of the raid on Liberio. I... I feel like I kind of understand what Eren's thinking. Eren might want us to stop him, no?"

Mikasa sits up straight, her mouth falling slightly. Peri still has yet to move. "What do you mean?" she inquires.

A frown makes itself known on Reiner's lips, "Eh," he shrugs. "That's just how it feels to me."

Armin's voice is soft as he begins to speak. "I've always wondered about something. Eren is able to affect the actions of every titan and Eldian, but we're still able to use the power of the titans the way we always could."

Pieck's breath hitches, "Are you saying that Eren is choosing not to interfere with us?"

"Yes. He's letting us act freely. Almost as if he's testing us to see what we'll do."

"Why? Even though we might be able to stop the rumbling?"

Reiner feels his chest grow tight as realization settles over him. He hates to think of it, that Eren would be in the same position he's been in for so long, he wouldn't wish it on anyone. Not a soul. "It's the same for him. It has to be painful, too. Slaughtering all of humanity isn't something you can just endure. If it was me... I'd probably want someone else to handle the power of the Founder by now. And if I couldn't, I'd want it to be stopped by someone."

The room grows damningly silent, all eyes on him. He's not sure what he's reading in each of their eyes. Maybe it's some kind of hope or optimism, perhaps the exact opposite even. Is it calculating or strategizing? Or is it something more? Something less?

Electricity strikes, running throughout his body, and his eyes grow wide as he realizes that he's been brought back to paths. Distantly, he can hear everyone talking amongst one another, and to Eren. But, Reiner's eyes remain on Peri's unflinching figure in the distance, somewhere behind all of them. Is she really so far gone that she won't even react to something that feels as unnatural as this? Is she so caught up in grief that she's lost all sense of urgency, all sense of the world that surrounds her? How can I fix it? Am I even able to fix it at all? What can I do? A voice echoes around each of them, drawing Reiner back into the moment at hand. "The rumbling will not stop. I won't let fate decide Paradis's future. I will keep moving forward," Eren announces.

Levi's hand point's toward the pillar of light ahead of them, "Look."

Their eyes all train on the figure emerging to see Eren, only he looks... younger? Reiner watches as Armin, Mikasa, Jean, and Connie all race toward him. They all call out to him desperately pleading for answers. "In order to gain my own freedom, I will take freedom away from the world, but I won't take anything from any of you. You are free. You have the freedom to defend the world's freedom, and I have the freedom to keep moving forward. So long as we both have our convictions, we will collide. There's only one thing left for us to do. Fight."

"What? Then, why? Why did you call us here?" Armin asks.

"So I could speak to you and tell you there's no reason for us to talk. If you want to stop me, then try to stop me from ever taking another breath. You are all free."

And in an instant, they find themselves back in the cargo bay of the flying boat. Reiner can't stop staring down at his hands, ensuring that he's there. He sighs, "Well, looks like my prediction was right."

Jean growls with frustration, "Is there nothing we can do?"

Levi sighs, "There go any hopes for negotiations, I guess."

Reiner's shoulders fall forward as the room grows quiet, everyone caught up with thought and grief, realization and wishful thinking. His feet drag in Peri's direction, sinking down to the ground that she's been sitting motionless on top of for hours. He's not sure it's the right thing to do, but with everything that's going on, all he wants, all he knows to do is to hold her. It's the only thing he knows how to do in times like these, almost as if second nature. He scoops her into his arms, holding her tight to her chest, and for the first time since watching Hange disappear into the steam, Peri makes a sound. She whimpers as if she's been holding it in and she moves so that she can bury her face into his chest. Her fist wraps itself in the fabric of his shirt. "I don't understand, Reiner," she sobs. "Why do I keep having to lose people? Why is it that every time I finally feel safe enough to let people in, they have to go and leave me alone again? Hange, I know they didn't want to go, but it still hurts. It hurts so bad because I know they didn't want it, and I know it can't be reversed. I'm tired, I'm so tired," she cries.

He pulls her closer, so close he fears he might suffocate her. But, maybe, this way, he can absorb her pain. Maybe, she can sink into him and he can take all of the things she doesn't want to carry. "Peri, it's okay to rest. Annie is doing it. You can too. If you're tired, you should rest."

Peri's face contorts as if in pain, "I can't," she almost screams. Her voice is tight and throaty, seemingly as if she's trying to restrain herself from making a scene. "I can't rest, Reiner. Don't you see? If I rest, what did Hange die for in the first place? All of this, and for what?" Peri's body trembles violently in his grasp and Reiner finds himself at a loss. "I'm tired. You're tired. We're all tired. There's no time, no option, for rest. But, what if we get to all of this and there's no chance to rest at all, what then? Do we toil in the afterlife too? Do we struggle more? Are we sent to hell, weighed down not by sins but by our regrets? What then?"

Not by sins, but by regrets? Is one really better than the other? Isn't it hell all the same?

"I won't let that happen. I'll see us through, Peri. If nothing else, I will make sure you live long enough to rest before you move on to the next life," Reiner whispers. "For now, feel what you need to feel. I'll be here for you."

Peri sniffles, wiping her face, "I'll be damned if I reach the end of this war and all I get to live long enough to experience is rest. I refuse to simply die. I refuse to rest and die. I will live long enough to see my life fulfilled. Nothing will take that from me."

"There you are," Reiner whispers.

"Here I am."