Dances and Ruin// Reiner Braun x OC

Chapter Twenty-Three

Author's Note: Hey, it's been a minute. *insert nervous laughter here* I'll be upfront in saying that this chapter felt like a doozy for a minute there and that I simply did not know how to approach it. Additionally, life has been kind of hectic between work and personal obligations and such, so I've also been lacking in motivation, too. In any case, here's a new chapter. We're kicking off manga spoilers with this one, so read if you want and if you don't... I get it. Try and come back when you're ready. :))

Thank you for your patience everyone! Enjoy! 

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Will this ever stop? Reiner thinks to himself as he watches his hands tremble on top of his lap. When did it even start? Was it during warrior training? When I arrived in Paradis? Maybe it started when I started going on scouting missions or the first time that Bert reminded me that I was a warrior? He sighs, there's no point in trying to pinpoint the moment it began because he only started to notice it within the years he's been home. They trembled on the ship that brought me back, they trembled when I saw my mom waiting for me at the gates of Liberio, they trembled every time I remembered anything from my time in Paradis, they trembled when I wrote that letter and when I put it in my pocket. My entire body trembled when I saw Eren sitting in that room. There's no telling how, but it only got worse from there. My body never feels at peace, but neither does my mind. I guess it only makes sense. Still, I can't help but hope it will stop one day, if only briefly. Maybe moments before drawing my final breath, but that might be too much to ask for.

Reiner clenches his hands into fists in an attempt to steady them, but the memory of what transpired in Liberio recently stands at the forefront of his mind like a shining beacon. It makes it nearly impossible to make them stop. He doubts he'll ever be able to shake the feeling of the fear that gripped onto him so strongly. And what was the other one that tugged at him ever so faintly, was it relief? The hope that it would all come to a close for him once and for all? The hope that his muttering of her name had been heard felt like an itch in the back of his mind he just couldn't scratch. It was there, the ceaseless prayer that the supposed curse she'd feared and hated so much had come to bless him in some way.

Oh, how I pity this fool. So selfish, so oblivious, to think something such as that. To hope for something that feels as wrong as that would come to fruition, all for his own sake.

He stands and begins to make his way to the front of the airship at the news of land appearing on the horizon. It won't be long, now. Shiganshina, the beginning, and end of his ultimate downfall stands as a page marker for his next chapter. His memories come back for another haunting just as they have time and time again. He wonders if he tries hard enough if he could find the spot where Peri's blood stained the ground or if he could spot any remnants of their initial attack on the walls. Peri, would she understand? If I had the chance to sit down and explain everything to her would she understand? The way she spilled her guts to me, if I did the same would she have forgiven me? If she were down there right now and saw us coming if she thought I were up here, would she seek me out? Would she help? Would she know where Gabi and Falco were? Or would she remain true to her character, adamant on rejecting apologies and explanations for missteps? Would she die fighting the way she already has?

The thought of this place also becoming a chapter in the lives of Gabi and Falco makes his stomach churn. How did I let it come to this? Are they even okay? I couldn't forgive myself if I let them die within these walls as well. I couldn't live with myself if it came to that.