If I Was Dauntless Born

Chapter 21- Reminiscing

This week is fear landscape week. We went through one practice one, which was our instructor, Lauren’s. We only had one fear so we could get a feel for the program.

Soon, we will face our own fears in front of a panel of judges. We have to get through our fears as quick as possible, and we all have different numbers of fears. To say I’m nervous is the understatement of the century. This could make it or break it for me in Dauntless.

I find myself sprawled out on the net that caught me on Choosing Day. Here was where I made my first real act as Dauntless. I have come a long way from that day. I used to think I was Dauntless when I leaped from trains and sparred with Uriah. I felt fearless and invincible.

Now, I know what real fear is. I have experienced all sorts of fear; I’ve felt everything from drowning to watching my family die while I stand by helplessly. I have already lost one of my family. It might kill me to lose another.

 Thoughts are swirling in my head so quickly that I feel dizzy. One of the most frequent is “What if I don’t make it?”

I will be factionless, no exceptions. I will be separated from my family and friends to live in a lifestyle that is worse than death. I will have to scrape by for every meal. I will never be able to rest. Then again, I don’t get much rest in Dauntless, either.

Now, I do live in Dauntless so I know some of their practices. One of them that is looked down upon often is our expelling of older members. Once Dauntless reach a certain age and can no longer get around in the Pit or jump semi-safely from trains, they are given 2 options. They can either jump into the chasm or become factionless. I don’t know who placed that rule, but I don’t like it. I have known plenty of people who have taken the jump and plenty who have chosen to become factionless. Amar, my brother’s trainer and friend, had his grandparents make the jump. It hit him so hard that he later committed suicide. Zeke was crushed. I hope I never have to experience that. There’s a good chance that I won’t though.

Dauntless is famous for its dare-devil stunts. We climb and jump and zip line. Many times, there are accidents. A cord snaps, a foot slips. Lives are forever changed. I still remember when my good friend, Astrid, was climbing on a structure at school when she fell and broke her leg. A Stiff ran for help while I stayed and held her hand.

More serious accidents occur, like the one that claimed my father’s life. He, Mom, and his friends were out doing what Dauntless do while Uri, Zeke, and I stayed home. I remember that Mom didn’t come home that night. I was scared but Zeke pulled us together. We cuddled together on the couch under a thick black blanket and waited. And waited. And waited. Finally, the door opened, and my mother stepped in.

She looked awful. Her hair was mangled, and her makeup was smeared. We all ran up to her and clung to her. I remember asking, “Where’s Daddy?” She responded with “Daddy’s not going to be home for a while, Honey.” And that’s when she fell apart in the middle of the living room floor. We stayed together, stuck with the bond that we had. I don’t remember how long we sat there crying. I don’t think I even knew why I was.

I finally realized what had happened on the day of my daddy’s funeral. I was still in the dark on the situation while Uriah and Zeke had figured it out. My mom had knelt to the ground and put her hands on my shoulders.

“There was an accident. Dad-Daddy’s gone.” She said while a new round of tears began to flow.

I finally understood what that meant. I pulled myself into my mother’s arms and let the tears flow. Sometime later, Zeke grabbed my hand and led me out of our house. We stood around for the funeral. Like a good mother, Mom never left us. I was 5 years old, and I had already experienced a hole in my heart.

Before I realized what was happening, tears were falling freely from my eyes. I had experienced so much loss at Dauntless that I had become numb to death. I had seen and heard of too many people taking the jump and walking into the factionless slums, never again to return. As I lay on the net, I try to let go of all of the bad and think of the good such as some of my “firsts” at Dauntless.

I remember the first time I stuck my landing after jumping from a moving train. I must have been no more than 7. I was so determined to do it that I don’t even know how many times I tried. When I finally did it, I was bursting with happiness. I ran all the way home to tell my family. When I walked in the door, the first thing Mom saw was the state of the legs. I had jumped from the train so many times that I ripped up my shins. I told my mom my accomplishment, and she gave me a huge hug. Then she lifted me onto the kitchen counter and cleaned off my legs.

I can even remember my first zip line trip. I remember the pure ecstasy of that day. At first I was scared, but I had to go before Uriah and Zeke. I couldn’t show any weakness. I masked my fear with a smile and clenched my shaking hands into fists. I hopped into the sling and didn’t look back. In one second, I was still, and the next, I was flying.

At first, I was terrified. Then, I could feel adrenaline racing through my veins like a rushing river. I was filled a sense of power and invincibility. I was Dauntless after all.

I finally reached the bottom, and I saw the crowd of Dauntless cheering below me. I smiled at the people who are my family. I wriggled out of the sling and fell into their awaiting arms. Shauna gave me a high five. Black clad warriors smiled and congratulated me. I was on Cloud 9. I then turned to help catch the next Dauntless to come speeding down the zipline.

I have so many mixed memories at Dauntless. They fill me with happiness, then drown me with sadness. The net that I lay on reminds me of the day of the Choosing Ceremony.  I still wear the black flame that I received from my family. I had an aptitude for Erudite and Abnegation, also. What would it have been like growing and maturing in a different faction? Could I abandon my family at the drop of a hat?

Right now, I could be performing acts of service in the city with the other Abnegation initiates. I would have ugly gray clothes covering every inch of my body but my head. My hair would be tied in a ridiculous bun, and I couldn’t look in the mirror. I also wouldn’t have the chance of being kicked out. I wouldn’t have to worry about the constant threat of my Divergence. I wouldn’t have to watch my family die again and fight for my life. I could have a routine. Would I like that? Maybe, maybe not.

I could have also gone to Erudite. I could be spending my time testing my intelligence and researching. I could wear the supposedly calming, but abnormally bright colored blue clothing. I would have glasses perched on my nose, and all my friends and I would talk about is classification and microorganisms. I could spend hours in a lab or library filling my brain as much as possible. Could I do it? Maybe, maybe not.

But I made my choice. I am Dauntless. I will be Dauntless. I will live out my life in black clothes and tattoos. I will forever be surrounded by stone walls and bright colored hair. I will grow accustomed to the smell of the cave. I will never grow old of the smell of the training room. It smells like iron and sweat and power. I will find a job and fall in love, but I will never need anyone. I will always have a gun or knife to defend myself. I will be independent and powerful.

I will be Dauntless.

A/N

Hey! I'm alive! I'm sorry that this took so long, but I have been super busy (and I still am)! Hopefully I can get the next part up this weekend.

So, has anyone seen Insurgent? I can't see it until tomorrow. If you have, tell me what you think (no spoilers, please)!

Thank you thank you thank you for sticking with my story while I drop off of the face of the earth. Thanks for all the support and lovely comments. It really makes my day.

So I'm feeling inspirational so here's a line from my favorite poem,

"And will you succeed?
Yes! You will indeed!
(99 and 3/4 percent guaranteed)"
      ~Dr. Seuss