• t w e n t y - f o u r •
Hope.
Was it, necessarily a good thing?
Hope, as it was known, was supposed to be good, something to keep you up.
With anxious feelings for something to happen, something that would cause happiness.
But as the months passed, Taylor saw hope as something useless.
Karlie had never written back a response.
Even if she knew it wouldn't be such a positive reply, it would've been nice to remember the handwriting, maybe her scent would come with it too.
She concluded that hope; was just to keep your mind busy.
As she looked back at her reflection in the mirror, she didn't recognize herself.
The marks under her eyes had gotten wider, and now decorated her wilted blue oceans.
She was tired.
Not only physically, but mentally as well.
Her skin was pale, and her cheeks no longer could be seen as full.
Arms by her sides had long since thinned, her energy had been reduced greatly.
Josh had fed her, but, she refused anything given by the man, she didn't want anything to do with him at all.
Besides after everything she was feeling and thinking, her appetite was rarely present.
Occasionally she would go out, but she was not allowed without Josh, or one of his security guards to keep watch.
She didn't want that either, so she always stayed in, and maybe every once in a while, she would try to strum on a guitar she had found stored in one of his closets.
It would give her some peace, but in the end she always ended up frustrated, because all her melodies would turn into a ballad for the same person.
At points she felt like screaming, and she did so, but she was smart enough to do it while Josh was home.
She figured it would annoy him, and it did, she would tell him she wanted to go home, repeatedly.
Until her throat would go dry, his reactions wouldn't be the kindest.
Apart from restricting everything from her, she was used for his dirty business.
Taylor would be the one to fill papers, all of them regarding his team of models, including those files of Cara. Staying up long nights sometimes even till morning, transmitting false documents for him.
But she dammed everything when the only person, woman, she'd wanted to see the whereabouts over, never appeared.
Josh had made sure to fill those out instead and keep them apart, he just couldn't risk it, he knew Taylor would keep Karlie's information.
He had made everything closed off, anything that she could possibly use to her advantage and get in his way of profit.
But, usually over the weekends, he would only allow Lena to visit her, on the condition of keeping quiet of the situation, for he knew that keeping Taylor against her will, was very much illegal, and fucked up.
That was all she needed, Lena bought her a small piece of mind from the outside.
She would give her news on her cats, pictures even.
At first, all their conversations had involved Karlie, and with Taylor being comforted in her friends arms.
Till the day came that Taylor didn't want to know, not because she hated her, but because she knew that whatever would happen after in her life, wouldn't involve the other girl.
And it hurt.
She was long gone, and they would no longer see each other.
All because of a second other.
After hours of cleaning Josh's office, she'd been once again exhausted, her favorite part of the day was her shower.
When she could finally come clean, and rest as she felt the hot water and steam across her skin, it somehow cured her.
The water held her body, and warmed it in its arms, just like Karlie no longer could.
As she traced her eyes from the mirror, to the smooth white granite, and leading to her body, she admired the beauty of the bruises.
There was small marks of purple, along her arms, wrists, and one slightly under her ribcage.
They weren't accidents, as she was told to say if by any chance someone asked.
Sometimes, when sleeping, she could feel Josh's cold hands on her.
Grabbing desperately, with force, and the scalding scrapped against her.
As her body moved, it would ache.
She hadn't gotten any good sleep, her mind would always be racing with vivid thoughts.
All of them being Karlie.
Ever since she had written that letter, her insides burned and her throat would stiffen.
She regretted it, so much.
She hated when she came to the realization that she couldn't do anything trapped inside this stupid apartment.
There was absolutely no way she could ever leave, Josh would wonder around New York himself along with his team of giant guarding men that stood right outside the door.
Releasing a sigh, she traced her fingers along a mark, and pressed against it.
The pain made her flinch, but besides that, it made her feel something.
That's what Taylor wanted, the sadness had almost numbed her insides to just feel that, she was bored of it no matter how much she felt it.
For some reason she admired the bruises, they were marks of her struggle, the intense drive of her still living for Karlie.
She was trying to pull through.
The tears filled her eyes as she thought of it again.
Karlie was far away, living the life of vanity she always wished to, and had probably long forgotten about her now.
Yet here she was, doing what she could, to make it just incase Karlie ever came back.
Taylor almost felt pity for herself.
Closing her eyes, she backed against the cold tile, and spoke aloud.
"K-Karlie -where are you?"
Her voice shook, and took a pause after saying Karlie's name after so long, it was full of uncertainty, whether she deserved to say it or not.
Without noticing, her body shivered at the feeling of loneliness.
Wrapping her arms around herself, she slid down to the white floor, and leaned her head to the side.
For a second she felt safe in that corner, but felt so small.
But at least the wall around her would reflect her warmth, even if the first cold constant stung.
She sat there for a long time, wondering what Karlie's life was like now; if maybe she ever crossed her mind.
As the minutes passed, she heard the song of the running shower water become her lullaby, and the tears on her cheeks the caresses she needed.
Eventually, her eyelids bid a welcome to the opaque blue orbs that hurt to open every morning.
Taylor saw herself leaving to the only place where her and Karlie could be safe together, where nobody could hurt them, and these bruises in her heart never existed; dreams.
•••
