The Arrogance of Elegance

Part the Twenty-Sixth

I sat at my desk, staring out of the window as rain poured down against the panes. The rain was so heavy with mist, I could barely see the two trees that were on either side of the path that led to our roundabout. I wrapped my shoulder more tightly around me as I looked down at my ink-smudged hands. I had just finished writing in my journal and the topic was quite frightening to me. Did I want to marry, Nicolas? I didn't know the answer.

Was he a good man? Of course, the best I knew. No one else would call me out on my wrongdoings, besides God, of course. No one else could be as gentle as he. But lately, I had not seen the gentle side to him. I had only seen his bitter and angry side which made me a bit sad. It had been a couple of days and he had not yet apologized for his rude behavior towards me. Had I deserved it? Maybe. But with my apology, he should have taken it back in my opinion. Yet, he did not.

I knew he was a good man, but now I started to doubt my intentions towards him. Was it because of his wealth? His looks? Or his kindness towards me as a child? I was leaning towards the latter. In our younger years, his kindness and generosity stood out to me and I found myself admiring him for it. Then as both he and my feelings grew, I noticed his handsomeness. Then I realized his station and how many women were after him. I think it was then when I decided that no other woman could be with him. I think it was because I knew the other girls liked him for his handsomeness or wealth or station but hadn't known him as long as I had. I knew him as a scraggly teenager who I pushed out of the tree. It was only a few feet off of the ground, but even after he broke his wrist because of me, he still found time to be with me and apparently cared enough to. But now it seemed it was all ruined. All I knew now was that I could trust the Lord with my life, whether or not Mr. Nicolas Burns would be a part of it.

I reopened my journal, dipping my quill in ink before writing once more. Trust in the Lord, was what I wrote. Even if I was an old maid for the rest of my life, I knew that the Lord would never leave or forsake me and that gave me comfort. That gave me hope. I shut the journal with an air of finality and wiped off my quill. If the shame could pass, surely, this too would pass. This loneliness. Now that I was unsure about me marrying Nicolas, a purpose that I had had for years seemed to make me feel empty. But I knew God could fill the gap. I knew He could.

--

I sat in the parlor, reading the Bible for the first time in—well, I don't know how long. But it felt good to read it, though many things surpassed my understanding. Though, what I could understand was very comforting. I was reading the beatitudes and I found myself tearing up at it. The children came into the room and wanted me to spend time with them, but I had to decline.

"I'm trying to read the Bible," I said, in response to their pleas.

"Can you read some to us?" Anne asked as Little John and Lucy Hannah groaned.

"But it is not Sunday," Lucy Hannah whined.

"It doesn't have to be Sunday to read God's Word," I said. "It should be every day, and I have failed, I believe."

"Can you read it?" Daniel asked, sweetly looking up at me.

"I think I shall," I said, going back to the beginning of the beatitudes. "' Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven'."

"What does 'poor in spirit' mean?" Anne asked, wanting to know. Now that all the children had gathered around me, I looked at each one.

"I think it means when we realize our needs come from God," I said, before realizing my own state recently. I finally gave up doing things in my own strength and recognized my need for God, which was comforting. "' Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled. Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God. Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you."

"How can you get a reward in heaven?" Little John asked. "What does that even mean?"

"All things will pass away on earth," I started, trying to form the right words to explain it. "Like our jewels, our houses, our carriages... all of our wealth stored up here doesn't matter once we go to heaven. Instead, we should do things that please God. Like helping others, being humble, and seeking Him."

"That's interesting," Little John said, slowly nodding. "I think I get it."

"That's good," I said with a smile. There was a knock at the door, which made me turn to see James, the footman, enter.

"A Mr. Burns," James announced stepping aside and before I could react, Nicolas strode into the room.

"Mr. Burns," I said, getting up to curtsy. He bowed slightly after taking his hat off.

"Miss Forsythe," he said before looking at the children. "Hello, again."

"Hello, Mr. Burns," Anne and Little John said in unison, the younger two following pursuit.

"May I speak to Miss Forsythe—Magdelline—alone for a moment? It won't take up too much of your time." He was looking at me now. I nodded, gesturing for the children to leave.

"Maybe you four could play outside," I said with a smile. "It is not raining today so enjoy the outdoors for as long as you can."

"Okay, Aunt Delly," the children said (though in different variations), and continued out the door. I turned to Nicolas, gesturing to the seat behind him.

"Please, sit," I offered, sitting down across from him.

"Thank you," he said, genuinely before sitting there awkwardly.

"You are welcome," was all that I gave as a reply. I folded my hands on my lap as the silence prolonged between us. After a moment, Nicolas leaned forward looking directly at me.

"I have been a fool. An embittered, rude fool, Magdelline," he said, looking me in the eyes. "I carelessly walked over your apology a few days ago and I am very sorry. It was not good of me, was it?"

"Not very," I said, honestly.

"You came to me vulnerably, and all I could talk about was how you lied, right after you had apologized. Could you forgive me, Magdelline?"

"Yes, Nicolas, I could and will," I replied, with a smile. "Now we can go on being friends again."

"Yes, friends," Nicolas said, gently giving me a smile. "Good day, Magdelline."

"Good day, Nicolas," I said with a smile that stayed with me even after he left.