Confused

Alone in a crowd

Silhouette by Owl City again
I'm tired of waking up in tears
'Cause I can't put to bed these phobias and fears
I'm new to this grief I can't explain
But I'm no stranger to the heartache and the pain
The fire I began is burning me alive
But I know better than to leave and let it die
I'm a silhouette asking every now and then
"Is it over yet? Will I ever feel again?"
I'm a silhouette chasing rainbows on my own
But the more I try to move on, the more I feel alone
So I watch the summer stars to lead me home

I had missed Rick's funeral. I wasn't going to miss his memorial. Many people didn't know the issues surrounding his death. They just thought he had crashed into a tree. Period. They didn't know we had argued. Or that I was raped. Or that I was like 99% responsible for his death.

I was going to go because I felt I needed closure plus I needed to keep appearances. I needed to act like his girlfriend. I actually was kind of still his girlfriend. I had just wanted a break to figure things out. We hadn't broken up properly. I was going to deliver a speech written by Rick's mother. I was so nervous I could not even read it in advance.

Mum and Jay got me a black frock and a hat. The service was full of alumni from our uni. Some students managed to show up as well. Rick had been a popular dude whilst in college.

Sinjay looked amazing in his black tux. If I hadn't already fallen for him, I would have fallen for him at this moment. It felt wrong wanting to ravish a guy whilst attending my boyfriend's memorial service.

The whole affair was taking place outdoors. There were tents of course, to protect us from the sun. My sunglasses helped me avoid eye contact with people as they offered their condolences. Tala and Jay never left my side. I couldn't be more satisfied.

I still felt guilty about the death of Rick. His parents were devastated. His workmates were devastated. His friends also were. I was the cause of all this suffering cause I was selfish.

Suddenly I didn't want to be there. I was hyperventilating again. I knew I was causing a scene but I couldn't control the tight feeling on my chest. I could hear Tala telling me to breath.

I took deep breaths and finally I could breath fine again. I wish I could take alcohol to give me some sort of courage. I couldn't now that I was carrying a child.

Finally, I was called up to deliver my speech. I held the cards tightly and began to read from them:

"Rick was a great soul. He always laughed, always cared about other people. "
I  thought of the time he cared for me in hospital. I didn't deserve him.
"He was a good friend, son and boyfriend. He always liked surprises. In fact I just found out he wanted to surprise me with a marriage proposal, " I squeaked.
Well, I didn't know he was. So, thanks dead Rick. I was indeed surprised. Maybe this was why he had been busy... I don't know. Or his mother was trying to give me a guilt trip but I doubted it.She was nice.
"We are truly blessed to have had such a wonderful soul to come and touch our lives. We are truly grateful for the 25 years he spent here on earth. I believe he is here, smiling on us all. "

I dropped the cards and emotionally said, " Despite all his flaws I still believe he was a good person. He always put others first. He was just a man. He made mistakes too. I loved him and I will remember him."

People clapped their hands. Others wiped their tears. I had forgiven him for raping me. I was letting the hurt go.
I walked towards my seat.

"I thought you were going to start ranting for a second there, "Tala said as soon as I reclaimed my seat.
"You did great up there,"Sinny said. He gave me a sideways hug. I tried so hard to act as if it hadn't affected me.

I felt Sinjay's intense gaze on me...on my stomach rather. I began to feel really uncomfortable.

"What?! "I asked, looking at him.
"His parents don't know about the baby, do they? "
I shook my head.
"They wouldn't have let you in here if they knew. Or me. "
He looked really guilty. I patted his arm and continued listening a speech from his family.

At last we let bright Chinese lanterns float into the air in memory of his sweet spirit.

I was hungry by now... And tired. I just needed to go home.

Sinjay drove mom, Tala and I to my apartment in a fancy car he had acquired during the holiday. Tala was working on some supper. I got up to go and help but Sinjay stopped me.

"I don't want the heat to damage the baby, "he said.
I laughed. He was being too overprotective and too smothering.

"Mom, Sinjay won't let me help Talz cook. He doesn't want me to burn the baby,"I told mum loudly and he started turning red with embarrassment.

"I'll help Tala. You go rest," mom said.
Jay grinned triumphantly.
"I'll put you to bed and I'll bring you supper. "
"Sinny, I am just one month pregnant. Not nine. "
"It's my first baby. "
"It's also my first baby, "I said.
"Forgive me for caring."
I kissed him on the cheek. He froze. Then he hugged me.
"I'm trying so hard to be a gentleman here," he said into my hair, "I feel like ravishing you. "
I kissed him on his lips and bit his lip. I know I was teasing him and it felt good.

"I swear if your momma wasn't around I could have done R-rated things to you. "
I moved my chin against the beard  he had started keeping recently. I loved the scratchy feeling against my skin.

I kissed him again and this time he kissed me back. He kissed me slowly, deliberately as if he were studying me. I tried to take control and kiss him fast and madly like a horny teenager but he maintained his really slow teasing pace.

My fingers were in the hair he was growing out, pulling him downward toward me. His hands were holding my waist. Then he pulled away and kissed my ear. I crinkled my nose.

"I love the nose thing you just did,"he said, I could hear the smile in his voice.
Then suddenly I remembered Rick had liked that about me too.

"What did I do? Watchu thinking 'bout?"he asked when he sensed the change in my mood.

I closed my eyes and blocked all thoughts related to Rick. I leaned into Sinjay's hard chest and listened to his heartbeat. And I felt alright.