Divine Intervention: Thanksgiving

Chapter 6: I Thought We Were On The Same Page

Michelle and I spent the next few days showing Avi some of our favorite places. The weather was surprisingly mild for mid November in Illinois. The first day we went to Starved Rock which is a state park with lots of bluffs, rocks to climb, and trails to explore. Watching Avi’s face was priceless. The second day we took him to Matthiessen which is a state park with lots of caverns, streams, and waterfalls.  He loved that place just as much. We hiked, picniced, and took a ton of pictures. Avi couldn’t believe these places existed in Northern Illinois.  We laughed a lot and talked a lot. It was nice to unplug and get away.  We didn’t discuss plans beyond the holidays, but he suggested that Michelle come out to L.A. for Hanukkah if she could swing it. She said she would think about it, but didn’t want to be a third wheel. He told her she wouldn’t be. I made her promise to make plans with me. 

The time spent those two days was comfortable and felt right like we had been doing it our whole lives. It was nice and encouraging. However, I hadn’t heard anything from my family since dinner the other night.  I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.  It really seemed like they liked him, I just didn’t know if they liked us together.  In my mind I was sure that they were not ready for me to move on. Sometimes I didn’t know if I was ready to move on.

No one had really taken it well when I finally told everyone about Mark cheating on me and no one ever wanted to bring it up or talk about it. I'm not sure if it was out of respect for the dead, or if they thought they were sparing my feelings, or what, but it was hard. My relationship with Mark's parents was not in a good place. They were choosing to believe that I was mistaken and he hadn't really been cheating on me. It was easier just to give them space, so I did. 

I was finally in a place where I could talk about it and sometimes needed to, but the only ones who were willing were Ava and Michelle. That helped, but it would be easier to get past it if I could just get people to acknowledge it. Talking with my two best friends about it was easy, but now that I knew Ava's real identity, having those conversations with Avi felt awkward. 

The day after our nature escape, it was raining. We were snuggled into each other on the couch listening to music and the rain. Not having an agenda was nice, but it allowed my mind to wander to all of those thoughts and feelings.

He brushed my hair behind my ear. "Where did you go just now?"

"Hmmm?" I had missed the question because I was lost in my own head.

"You were a million miles away." He kissed me softly and pulled me into his chest. 

"I was just thinking." I sighed and filled him in.

"Oh sweetie, you don't have to feel awkward. We can talk about whatever you need to. I'm still here for you." He kissed the top of my head and held me tight. "As far as how your family feels about this, does it really matter? Your happiness is what matters to me."

I pulled away to look at him. I cocked my head and studied his face to see if he was serious. Did it matter to me? I was very close to my family and if they didn't like the person I wanted to be with, would it work? The questions in my head started adding up.

"Sweetie? Talk to me, please." His voice held a lot of concern. 

I got off the couch and went to the kitchen. I suddenly needed space. It felt like the walls were closing in and I couldn't breathe. It did matter. It mattered a lot. We hadn’t had a single disagreement to this point and it suddenly felt like my world was collapsing. How could he not think that it would matter to me? If he really knew me, he wouldn’t have said it and definitely not without thinking. I was suddenly at a complete and total loss of what to do or say.

He followed me into the kitchen. “Did I say something wrong?”  He didn’t try and touch me, or get too close.

“How could it not matter?  You know what my family means to me.” I turned to face him. My tone was harsh. Ava and I talked a lot about family and exactly what it meant to me.

I could tell that I had blindsided him. He put his hands up in surrender. “I just meant that they may not understand what we have here,” he said, indicating the space between us with one hand. “They will come around eventually if they have an issue with it.  If they don’t, we still know what we have.”

His answer didn’t help. I just shook my head and paced around the kitchen. I felt trapped. I started to doubt everything. Had we rushed into this too fast? Was I thinking clearly? The old me would never have done this so quickly. My thoughts were all over the place and I had no idea how to get past the doubt and uncertainty. My house felt way too small to contain the both of us at this moment.

"I can't be here right now." I headed for the front door, grabbing my phone, keys, and sliding into my shoes. I had my coat on and was out the door before he could react.