Eyes Wide Open

Hope for Bipolar

Warp Speed Jumps

As a recently diagnosed bipolar person, I sometimes feel shame for jumping so quickly to bipolar highs.

But, I ask myself — how can I not make warped speed jumps to bipolar highs when I think about how many people helped me during my manic episode?

A Woman I Barely Knew
I think about Beverly, a woman I barely knew from church, who sat down on a park bench with me and listened, who comforted me, made me feel normal and provided hope for me.

A Friend from 7 Years Ago
I think about Catie, who I hadn't physically talked to in 7 years, who picked up her phone on the first time, unlike the suicide/behavioral health line I called in a time of need. Catie, who sat and talked to me, helped me, made me feel normal, who helped ground me, who empowered me to do what I needed to help me (e.g. walking barefoot in the grass).

An Over Inundated Pastor
I think about our Pastor, who was likely already over inundated with a congregation and world struggling with a pandemic, who still made time for my husband and myself.

Hard Truths
I think about Meg - God bless, Meg - who connected me to the resources that contributed to saving my life. Meg, who gave countless hours to check in on me, gave me hard truths and did not shy away from the help I needed. She saw through my rapid speech and chaos, and saw how to help me.

A 2am Phone Call with My Dad
I think about my Dad who talked to me on the phone at 2am when my paranoia convinced me that my twin brother had died just because he wasn't answering his phone. A Dad, who was likely tired and scared himself for both his son and his daughter, but who remained calm. Who loved me, and did not yell at me to go back to bed. A Dad who helped me try to rationally think; who patiently waited for me to call an official behavioral health line and then call him back.

A Partner in Highs and Lows
I think about my husband who stood by my side through highs and lows. I think about how God gave me such a generous and patient man - who still stands by my side in highs and lows supporting me by doing dishes during my lows and chases waterfalls with me during my highs. I am thankful for such a partner in this earthly world.

The Hardest Question on Earth
I think about my friend, Jolie, who was brave enough to ask me a hard truth - was I planning to kill myself. I didn't realize where I was even at in my spiraling until that question. And how loved I felt at that question. Someone cared enough to ensure I'd be here today to share my thanks, even if a question like that can be uncomfortable in the moment. When you make it to the other side of that question, it leaves one with nothing but deep gratitude.

Warped Speed Jumps
How can I not jump to the moon and back, shine a light across the universe and skip every chance I get - when I think about how THANKFUL I am and how faithful God was to put so much protection surrounding me while I was in a manic episode?!

I will skip.
I will be delighted.
I will shine my light.
I will do it safely with my Heavenly Father's guidance and protection.

I will love the beautiful rainbow of color and emotion that God has gifted me. And, I will ensure that I keep the colors of the rainbow safely within my bipolar limits. No more manic episodes for this girl. But, zeal I can do!

Key Takeaways and Thoughts:
- Gratitude always wins
- Don't be ashamed of your joy
- Let yourself be loved

Prayer:
Father, I stand in awe of how you're working in my life even when I don't know it. I feel humbled to have eyes to see what you have done for me; how you put angels all around me during my time of need. I will rejoice in you always!

Scripture:
"Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord."
‭‭Romans‬ ‭12:11‬ ‭NIV‬‬

"For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth)"
‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭5:8-9‬ ‭NIV‬‬

"In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven."
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭5:16‬ ‭NIV‬‬