Silent Tears

Silent Tears Chapter Twelve

I stood, my back to the gate as I watched the bus drive away. Well there goes any plans I had on leaving and procrastinating this for a bit longer. I turned around to face the gate. It was a big black gate closed by a little hatch. Entering the grave yard wouldn't be hard; it's the decision to go in that was difficult. The dark night and barely there moon gave the place a scary and haunting look but that isn't what made me hesitate. I wasn't sure of I was ready to go there. To face them, knowing that I was the part of the reason that they were buried six feet under. Memories quickly flashed through my head; all the times they had asked me what was wrong, the same amount of times that I had lied to them. Maybe if I hadn't, maybe they would still be here today and this whole present would be different.

Sigh.

The beauty of regret. Of the past. You could see everything that you did wrong, all the correct passage ways you could have taken but you can't do anything about.

I sighed again. I felt weird in a way too. I didn't know where they were buried. Didn't know where my own parents were buried... How pathetic is that? How pathetic am I?

I remember their funeral day though. I couldn't even make it out of the car. I was too weighed down with guilt, with grief to be able to just simply function let alone go and see their final moments on earth's surface. Which brings me today. My parents only daughter, only child not even knowing where her parents were.

I stood in front of the gate for a couple more minutes, around fifteen minutes with fat tears just rolling down my cheeks as I tried to get a hold of myself.

I shook my head, braced myself and slowly raised the latch, opening the door to a dark and dreary grave yard. 

I hesitantly walked in, even more nervous as I saw all the different graves laid out ahead of me. I walked each row, trembling as I looked for my parents name. Walking past all these graves made me feel an even bigger amount of sadness, to know that all these people, someone else's loved ones were just dead. Buried, to no longer ever let out another breath. It was just terrifying and saddening in two opposite ways and it made my heart ache in a way it hadn't been before. In a way it never had.

I walked on, looking at each grave heading, hoping and dreading seeing their names on the smooth, cold marble.

And as I  passed more and more graves it became harder for me to continue. My knees became weak and shaky. My eye sight became blurred with tears. My heart beat loud and my breath became faint. Not able to move anymore I fell down on my knees and started to sob. The pain of being where they would forever lay hit so hard it was unimaginable. 

Why did I want to come here again?

 Memories kept playing in my head but this time it wasn't the awful memories tainted by Micheal. That made it that much worse.

I started to remember my first heart break and how my mom stayed up till four in the morning so we can watch sad movies, cry, and eat ice cream. My first day of high school when my dad drove me to school, wished me luck and told me to stay away from all the boys. Birthday were they both did the most they could to make my day special. Clothes and presents that I would randomly receive because they thought I would like them. Warm hugs, tuck ins, bedtime stories, celebrity gossiping, breakfast in beds, swift kisses on the cheek - all things I took for granted. All things I would never get to experience. 

I couldn't do this. Couldn't walk around and look for thei graves. Couldn't stand to see theit burial place. With that in mind, I got to my feet and started running away. I really needed to get out of here.

How I got  back was a daze. I wasn't really functioning, my mind wasn't working correctly. I hardly noticed  how light it was, or how much of a mess I was. I got of the bus and stumbled to the door steps feeling totally out of it. It felt like I was in shock. Its just that I never thought of them that way before. I knew that they were dead. That they were never coming back but I just never realized that they were really dead! Like actually none breathing, six feet under, never to walk earth's surface type of dead. 

I opened the door, to see a whole house waiting for me. If I wasn't so out of it, I probably would have been more worried about being in trouble.

Sorry its a bit late. Thanks for being patient and for reading. Tell me what you think.