Simmer & Stir

Chapter 36

Philip was here, standing tall in front of me, arms crossed across his chest and smiling down even in the dim lights of the hall.

My eyes blinked constantly, trying hard to ensure it wasn't my tired mind that conjured his image. No amount of blinking or tossing my head to the sides erased his image. The reality hit me later.

The person whom I longed for, craved for the past two months was standing in front of me.

"Phil.." and on cue, my throat dried up. I was left to gawk at the man who slowly descended from his stance and sat on the couch on my left side. Like a fish tossed out of the water, my eyes remained widened and my mouth agape.

"Hello darling," he said in the sweetest tone I longed to hear.

My heart leapt into my throat, my mind directed me to throw myself over his and devour him but like a beam of sunlight finding its way inside a dark room through the smallest of the crevice, I was hit with reasoning.

Philip was away for two whole months. He left without any calls, messages and no revert on my letters. So if he was back, there must be a reason for it.

Maybe he wanted to break up, face to face.

Don't you dare roll your eyes at me.

I was scared to think of the worst scenarios.

"I am here for-" Philip began.

"Please don't break up with me," I said, jumping the gun. After my resolute to let Philip go, if it was indeed what he wanted, his presence drove out the truth from me.

I wanted to cry, hug him and weep like he didn't go to Virginia but Vietnam for the war. I wanted to hold him, tighter than all my might. I wanted to apologize for my foolish decision and beg him to take me back. I wanted to also punch him hard for the way he ignored me. Then kiss him till his lips bleed and I tasted blood.

I stood at the thin line that separated desperation and madness. Long-distance could do that to anyone.

The rational part of my mind found a semblance of reality to ground itself. It called out to me, jolting me out of my thoughts. If Philip came to break up with me, I had to let him go.

There was no way I could cling to him if freedom was what he wanted.

Or could I?

Linda was still not home. I could gag him and tie him to my bedpost and keep him there forever.

Crap.

It was the border lining psychotic ideas that finally slapped me back to reality.

"Why do you think I am here to have a breakup?" Philip asked, his deep-set eyes starred at me. His forehead creased and his lean towards me increased. "Tell me?"

"Because you didn't reply..." I poured my heart out and he didn't bother replying. "Because you didn't reply to my calls. My letters, my..."

Tears rolled down my face, dripped off my chin as I relived every word I bleed on my phone, on paper and mail. Every night where I cried and slept, revved up in my mind, taunting me.

My mind concluded Philip was back to torture me more. My heart was reluctant to accept. Philip was never cruel. Even when he couldn't see, he was a kind and gentle soul.

Philip moved closer, his hand wrapped mine which was coiled around my knees and huddled over my chest. If this was indeed a breakup, I was ready. With my knees as my shield and my ears as my diffuser, I was ready.