Looking down at the dried blood on my hands, I can't help but think about who it belongs to.
I killed the woman I love. I took a knife and I plunged into her heart, destroying her forever. I did that. I don't know how I live with that. How do I go on knowing that I killed the one person I probably would've given almost anything for? What could possibly make doing that okay? I'm not sure that there is anything that could. I loved her. The first and only person that I've ever really loved, and I destroyed her.
My thumb traces itself along some of the stains on my hand, trying to feel something.
This isn't like before. When I killed Alan Finch and the others, I didn't really care about them. At least not in the way that I cared about Dawn. I didn't love them like I loved her. For some reason, that made it somehow easier to deal with. I found a way to live with what I'd done to those people because I went down the wrong path. I gave myself permission to forgive myself because I believed I was on the right path this time. That I'd changed and wanted to be better this time.
But that's not true this time. I wasn't on the wrong path when I did it. I was on the right path... or at least, I thought I was. Now I'm not so sure about that any more. Someone on the right path wouldn't have done what I did to Dawn. They would've found a way to save her. Give her a real chance to turn her life around again. Like other people did for me when I needed help. They found a way to save me when I didn't believe I deserved to be saved. Just like Dawn did.
Except... I didn't do that. Instead I just took the chance to destroy her when I had it. I ended her life when I should've saved it. Which means I'm not the person that I thought I was. I'm not on the right path. I'm on the wrong path. No one who's on the right path would've done what I did to Dawn. Angel tried to tell me that this was a lot harder than it looks, being on the right path, but I didn't realize just how hard it was until just now. When I know I'm not on the right one.
Where did I go wrong? How did I go from being on the right path to something so wrong? I thought because I'd been there already, that I'd found it and would recognize if I was going the wrong way this time, but I didn't. This is a whole new wrong path and a whole new set of problems. I'm not sure how to handle something this bad. Maybe I shouldn't even try? What if this is just the type of person that I am? A bad person who's always going to go down the wrong path?
Someone comes in and I don't even bother looking up at them.
"Are you okay?"
What kind of question is that?
"I've got blood on my hands B. What would make you think that I'm okay?"
She makes her way into the room further, keeping a little distance. There's a long silence where neither of us says anything.
"You did the right thing."
She's trying to make me feel better.
"Not from where I'm sitting."
I take a deep breath before continuing.
"I killed her Buffy. I've got her blood on my hands because I killed her."
Again a silence falls between us.
"I know... but you still did the right thing Faith."
That has me finally looking at her and really showing her my hands, dried blood and all.
"How can you say that? How can this be the right thing?"
"Because it's what she wanted. And because it's what saved the world."
I look down at my hands, going back to what I was doing before.
"Then why does it feel like I've lost everything?"
It takes her a second to answer.
"Because you did."
That doesn't make me feel better.
"We all did."
She pauses and I don't really interrupt.
I'm not even sure what to say to that.
"Dawn took everything from us. She made us into her playthings and wasn't shy about playing with us. We lost everything that made us into a person. You did lose everything. But you also saved the world. Hold on to that... if nothing else."
Can I even do that?
"I'm not sure if I can."
She comes up to me, kneeling in front of me and taking my hands.
"I know it's hard. I... I'm struggling with it myself. I've got no idea how to feel about anything that's happened. I mean... my own sister rewrote the whole world to make herself feel better. Including me."
I look at her finally.
"How do we even live with that?"
She takes a deep breath.
"I don't know, but we have to try... don't we? Otherwise what did we do any of this for? Why did we fight to get back what we lost?"
Which begs the question...
"Maybe we shouldn't have?"
She gets a questioning look on her face.
"What do you mean?"
"Maybe we don't deserve to have gotten it back? What if being willing to kill Dawn means that we shouldn't have been rewarded? Not like this."
B doesn't say anything for a while.
"I used to think that. I used to believe that if saving the world cost someone their life, it wasn't worth it. Especially if it was someone I loved. When Glory wanted to use Dawn to destroy the world, I couldn't sacrifice her to protect the world. I decided that it wasn't worth it. That if it was a choice between her and the world, I chose her. It took me a long time to realize it, but... that was the wrong choice. It was wrong then, and it was wrong now."
"So you're okay with what we did?"
"No... not even close. I hate myself for what we did to Dawn. For letting it get so far that we had to do it. I failed her on so many levels. As a sister, as a parental figure, and as a slayer who's supposed to protect people... and the world. I didn't save it."
She lets it hang there for a while.
"I'm a failure."
I can't say I disagree with that. I failed the world too.
We sit there together, her hands in mine, for a long moment.
Wait... I think...
"Do... do you..."
She looks at me.
"Do you feel...?"
It clues into her what I'm talking about and she looks at our hands touching.
"No, I..."
Just as she starts to speak, the feeling amps up, letting us know we were wrong. We lock eyes for a moment before B pulls herself away, throwing herself backwards to put some distance between us.
It's still with us? Why is it still happening?
"What the hell is that? I thought it would've gone away by now."
B doesn't answer right away.
"Me too. Maybe that's one of the questions we'll have to get an answer to."
"Questions?"
"The ones that... that Cordy thing said we'd want answers for."
Right... that...
"Assuming we can trust what it says."
"Angel and Connor seem to think we can."
I guess that means we should try it at least.
"Can't hurt to listen then."
B and I fall into silence together for a while.
"We need to think about something else though right now."
She's not wrong.
"Right... are we ready?"
She starts to get up to her feet and I do the same.
"I think we are."
"Let's do it then."
We make our way out into the main room of Slayer Central. Red, Xander, Kennedy, Giles, Anya, Angel, Connor and Pike are all standing around the table. B and I make our way up to the table, taking our place on it. I look down at the body of the woman I love on it, reaching out to touch her face.
"Dawn... I love you."
I really, really do.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
