WANT (completed)

ch. 40 | Self-preservation

CASSANDRA'S POV

"My brother. Those are my brother's initials," Asa says, his thumb swiping away my tears as I look up to meet his eyes. I feel his other hand move, wrapping around my back as he pulls me into his lap, slowly lowering his head and burrowing it into my neck.

Holy shit. I wasn't expecting that. I don't know what I thought the initials meant, but I was so focused on the fact that both he and Lauren had the same tattoo, that I didn't even bother to think what the meaning behind it would have been. Actually, I more so assumed that it had to do with the little boy, but that was before I realized he wasn't Asa's son.

Before I can even respond to his words, I feel tears soaking into my skin. Asa's tears. His shoulders begin to shake as he cries into me, holding on as if his life depended on it.

My heart is breaking by the second, but not in the way that I expected it to be. My heart is breaking for him. For how he must be feeling right now. Whatever happened with his brother, it's clearly affecting him and likely has for a very long time. This is the first time that I've seen Asa break down. He's usually never anything like this, and all I want to do is take away whatever pain he is feeling.

Wrapping my arms around him, I hold him against me, feeling my own tears welling up again. One of my hands presses against the back of his neck as I press a long kiss to his head, my fingers playing with the soft hairs at the base of his neck.

"Asa," I whisper softly after a few minutes of letting him cry. "I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry," I cry out, feeling my own tears finally escaping. My chest feels so fucking heavy. I don't know why I'm apologizing, but I feel like I need to. The last thing I wanted was to hurt him, but seeing him like this feels like I'm doing exactly that. I'm the reason he's crying right now, right?

He shakes his head against me, slowly pulling back and pressing his forehead against mine. "No, I'm the one who should be apologizing," he chokes out, his voice so soft and broken. "I should have told you a long time ago, but I never felt like I was ready to talk about it, and that hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you, baby."

I move my hands up so they're cupping his face, pressing my lips against his for a passionate kiss. I love him so much that I think I would rather feel how I felt on Friday than how I feel now seeing him hurt. "You can tell me when you're ready. It doesn't have to be now. I'm sorry. I don't know why...I should have trusted you. I do. I trust you," I tell him, rambling as I press little kisses on his cheeks, tasting the slight saltiness of his skin due to his wet tears.

"I love you. I love you so much," Asa whispers, grabbing my wrists and pulling my hands down from his face, pulling me against him and into a kiss. I quickly deepen it as his tongue brushes against my lower lip. A small whimper leaves my lips as I part them for him, allowing his tongue in.

Asa slowly let's go of my wrists, only to grab the back of my head as our tongues battle in dominance. I wrap my arms around his neck, adjusting myself in his lap so that my legs are on either side, straddling him.

"I love you too, Asa," I whisper to him in between our kisses. Tears are still streaming down his cheeks, blending in with my own that have managed to escape. Asa doesn't break our kiss as he stands up, lifting me onto the counter and sliding his hands down my body. His fingers gently push up his shirt that covers me, fingers sliding under the band of my underwear.

"Cas," he groans, moving his lips from mine for only a second before his lips capture my own again. I know what he wants, perhaps what he needs right now, and I'm willing to give it to him. Maybe it makes me weak and foolish, but I don't care. I told myself I would be strong, and now I will be strong for him. He needs me.