love to die for | mattia polibio

f i f t y t w o

an open window allowed a cool breeze to sweep through the bathroom, a bundle of wisps and tendrils of september air brushing against my face.

it wasn't exactly warm, but the temperature was too far from cold to justify the uncontrollable shaking that had occupied my hands and legs, providing the illusion that the blood in my veins had suddenly settled into an icy blue, reshaping the vessels in my body into a body of rigidly frozen tunnels and tubes.

i exhaled profusely in a desperate attempt to calm myself - slow the rapid clanging of my heart beat - and guided an unstable thumb to the website link underlined in red, yearning for the contact of my thumbprint and reeling me in manipulatively.

it's wish was my command. i clicked the link.

i was faced with a video accompanied by an extreme lack of context, no title, nothing.

the anti-climactic disappointment eased my anxiety aptly, pressing me to press play with little hesitation.

the footage was bad quality, and shaky. the voice i heard was unfamiliar to me, however, i assumed that it was a reporter based off the tone and questions.

i allowed my body to relax slightly, relieving myself from the hunched state that i had placed myself in subconsciously, allowing my shoulders to become liberated from the invisible ropes of anxiety that had strung them tightly to my neck.

just as i had began to ponder upon the reason as to why the video had been sent to me so many times from so many different people, the person behind the camera seemed to have gained a level of stability, and the face in the video became indubitably discernible.

'governor kelly!' the reporter's voice leapt out from behind the camera.

governor kelly had been my largest obstacle for a while now, he was a bitter old man who had made it absolutely clear that he was entirely against love. the man was the bane of my existence, and coincidentally happened to be one of the most powerful people in state.

kelly was blatantly ignoring the reporter, and his body guard was trying his hardest to get rid of them, but the reporter was persistent.

i sunk one of my front teeth into my bottom lip, pushing it down further and further until a gentle pop alerted me to the fact that i had broken through the tissue, causing a rush of blood to flow into my mouth and dance on my tongue as it absorbed in.

i watched silently as the reporter pressed on, desperately pressuring the governor into giving him as little as a crumb.

'governor kelly! what is your opinion on the petition to reconsider the charges against mattia polibio? the petition?! it's nearly reached the 10,000 signature mark!' he yelled, clearly trying to hold the camera as steadily as possible amongst the mania.

something came over governor kelly. a rage-filled fury seemed to suddenly engulf him completely, stopping him dead in his tracks, and releasing my heart into the pit of my stomach simultaneously.

'you want to know what i think? mattia polibio is a scumbag criminal who will be sentenced to death on december 3rd. on december 3rd mattia polibio will fry on the electric chair and get what he deserves.' he redirected the lasers firing from his eyes away from the reporter and straight into the camera, sending me a personal message, 'come to me with 1,000,000 signatures, and maybe then i'll reconsider.' he grinned malevolently into the lens, and stormed away.

'are you even allowed to make that decision?' the reporter called out, sounding almost offended or hurt.

'one million signatures.' was his only response, his voice booming from a distance.

after that the video cut out, falling to a black screen.

i stared at the blank abyss in shock, my fists clenched so tight that my knuckles were a milky white, and stiff veins were raised so far against my hot skin that i was almost certain that they would burst at any moment.

flaming tears rolled down my face, leaving searing trails of steam behind them.

the stall around me felt as though it was melting into a river of molten lava as a result of the infuriated, resentful energy i was emitting.

i shot up, seeing nothing but red, placing my hands flat against the door with my nails scraping against it, insides churning, and began banging my head against it.

a pulse radiated in my head and through my body after each strike, slowly relieving me and rinsing me of the fierce internal and external loathing.

the endless stream of tears pooled on the floor as i continued smashing my head against the steel plastic, over and over and over, so desperate to take control of my anger until i became numb to the pain and deaf to the sound of the rattling of my brain against my thick skull.

my eyes were sealed long enough for an explosion of intricate patterns and colors to set off in the darkness of my eyelids, drawing me in and forcing me to lose myself in them as i continued to slam my face against the door, the sensation of bruises forming already tingling on every inch of me.

i finally crashed on the floor, overcome by the dizziness, and left nothing other than a heaving, delusional mess.

the one question that i had been trying to suppress broke loose with no effort and restitched itself into every fold and corner of my mind;

why does everything bad always happen to me.

a jolt of laughter took a hold of me, and i cackled nonstop at the thought that i ever actually began to have hope that everything might actually turn out okay in the end.

i laughed more than i'd ever laughed before, i laughed as i picked up my things and walked out of school, and i laughed all the way until i had reached the prison.

i knew i needed to tell mattia, but in those moments i needed nothing more than to just be in his presence.