love to die for | mattia polibio

f i f t y o n e

school was definitely at the very bottom of my list of priorities, i'd genuinely forgotten that i was supposed to be there most of the time.

i'd been skipping more days than i was attending, and my mom was transparent in her disapproval of my academic hiatus, but usually my constant reminders that she could never understand what i had been through would suffice in keeping her from hounding me - until today.

going to school had always been a strenuous task, but hauling myself out of bed that morning was especially enervating for some reason or another, however, i decided that it would be best to just get it over with; satisfy my mother, even if only temporarily, and continue with what was really important.

i was also determined to keep my promise to mattia, and so i had been spending as much time with eliza as possible.

i didn't think she liked me very much, but the sight of her twinkling, innocent hazel eyes would keep me motivated, i was almost envious of her blindness to the fact that the world was a really shitty place, especially for people like her father and me.

at least for now she could be happy, she would be safe with my mom and i.

mattia's parents had refused to acknowledge eliza as their granddaughter, but that didn't matter, she had us.

we had been making significant progress with the protests - there was a petition in circulation and if it was to reach 10,000 signatures, mattia's case would have to be re-evaluated, which would hopefully take a while.

i checked up on it online and found that it was at 8,000 already.

i couldn't help but smile, feeling a flurry of deep warmth engulf my chest and pump a sense of pride into my bloodstream.

gaining any kind of achievement was always a steady provider of a small seed of validation, a soul-cleansing deluge of euphoria would wash over me repeatedly, beguiling me as a child would be beguiled when presented with a square of chocolate, leaving me insatiable in my desire for more.

so, school was just an irrelevant preliminary task that had to be handled, and everybody knew that school days moved painfully slow, but at least i'd be occupied in my thoughts, and natalia was here to pick me up anyway, so there was no going back now.

'hey.' i pulled the car door shut as i parked myself in the passenger seat.

'so why the decision to make an unprecedented appearance at school today, huh?' she enquired, jokingly.

'it was my mom's decision actually, i think we've all realized by this point that i'd rather lock myself in my room all week than go to that bullshit school.' i aired, sighing at the mundane futility of it all.

'hm.' she mumbled, focusing her attention on the roads.

'what?' i said.

'well i just think that, maybe school isn't such a bad thing, i mean it's complete fucking bs, yes, but there's probably something healthy about having something to do all day, and actually being sociable. at least, healthier than being alone all the time.' she responded.

'no, i don't need school, i'm sociable at the protests and i'm sociable with my boyfriend and eliza, and besides, i barely even have any friends at school to be sociable with, especially after everything that's happened. i don't need school, trust me.' i fumbled frantically, feeling somewhat obliged to defend myself for some reason.

'that's totally fine, i just want you to be happy, and i just feel like the whole "demanding justice" front is probably really stressful for you to maintain. obviously, i support you completely though.' she said, glancing at me for a second and tapping her index finger against the wheel rapidly as we waited at a stop sign.

'hey, are you okay?' i asked gently.

'what? i'm fine, of course i'm okay.' she replied.

'you sure? how's your mom?' i said.

'worse.' she sighed.

'wait what? i thought she got the surgery?' i said, flustered.

'the cancer came back. anyways we're here.' she said, entirely nonchalantly.

'nat-'

'you're gonna be late.' she said.

'fine, but we'll talk about this later.' i stated before squeezing her hand and climbing out of her car.

just the sight of the school building was enough to make me nauseous with vertigo, and the stares were no help.

i despised everyone at school for the fact that i had been in and out of school for months now, yet the stares i continued to receive were just as piercing and judgmental as the first day.

why can't you all just move the fuck on? was what i wanted to yell, however i didn't. instead i plodded on to my locker alone, as usual.

as i was putting my textbooks in, a girl from one of my classes came up to me, appearing sort of frazzled. i remembered her face from a protest or two, but it was kind of a thing for everyone at school to avoid talking to me at any cost, so i was surprised by her presence.

'uh, hey.' she said.

'hi?' i replied, shutting my locker.

'i just wanted to see how you were holding up, with the news and everything?' she walked alongside me.

'news? what news?' i half-chuckled, not thinking much of whatever she was saying.

'yeah? you didn't watch the news this morning?' she asked.

'no, actually. what happened?' i watched the news most mornings, but i'd been too caught up with eliza today.

'well it's just that, uh, i've gotta get to class, but you should probably check online.' she said, before disappearing away into a random classroom.

something about the pitiful tone in her voice ignited a set of sparks in my fingertips.

i decided to switch my route and head to the bathrooms instead, i'd be late to first period but i didn't care much.

i shut myself into one of the stalls and sat on the toilet seat, too nervous to think about hygiene.

the feeling of those four walls closing in on me was one i hadn't missed, but i ignored the stir of claustrophobia and turned on my phone for the first time since last night.

after a few moments, the screen lit up, and a flood of notifications came rushing, and it wasn't long before i found out what had been going on.

and it was fucked up.