love to die for | mattia polibio

f o u r t y

i quickly found myself waking up and getting ready to go back to court, my mind struggled to comprehend how time moved so fast yet so slow at the same time.

either way, it was happening.

today we were going to find out the judge's response to mattia's statement.

i just hoped that i'd get to see mattia and talk to him before everything started up again.

i tried to resist being consumed by my nerves, after coming to terms with the fact that my anxiousness is what got me into this situation in the first place, but it was difficult to ignore the fizzing in the pit of my stomach and the offbeat rhythm of my heart.

i tried my best to make myself look okay and eventually, i was ready.

i took a couple more bites of my breakfast and waited for my mom in the car, suddenly feeling inappropriately excited by the thought of finally seeing mattia again, regardless of the circumstances.

we got in pretty early, so when i headed to the spot that i would usually meet mattia and mr miller at, it was no surprise that nobody was there yet.

i took the opportunity to ease my nerves by exchanging a few thoughts with my baby.

the thought that in only three or four months i'd be able to meet my child face to face caused me to smile uncontrollably.

i was tracing my bump with my fingertips when i felt a cold, familiar hand find a home on my shoulder.

i turned around to see the boy who had been consuming my thoughts for the past few days materialize in front of me.

'mattia..' i whispered, tears already beginning to form in the corners of my eyes as i scanned and absorbed every inch of his appearance.

heavy dark circles had formed beneath his eyes, his lips were more dull and looked like he'd been chewing on them, and his wrists were slightly thinner.

but somehow he was still smiling.

'you understand why i did it?' he asked me after a long silence, stroking the outline of my face.

i nodded slowly.

a single drop of moisture escaped my eye, which he wiped away almost instantly.

'we're gonna be fine, y/n. in fact, we're gonna be great.' he said, so nonchalantly.

i laughed quietly, almost taken aback by the sound that i just produced.

'you're the only person, mattia, you're the only person that can make me happy.' i said truthfully.

'well then you know why this is the best option for us.' he said firmly.

'but-'

'don't do that, don't spiral, y/n.' he picked up my hands and wrapped them tightly in his, 'it's not good for either of us.'

'i won't.' i responded, not being able to help but agree with him.

'promise me?' he asked, the confidence in his voice melting away slightly.

'i promise mattia.' i played with his hands, avoiding eye contact.

'you'll come and visit me?' he asked quietly, the fear in his voice becoming audibly prominent.

i looked up at him, feeling my eyes droop.

'of course we will.' i replied, taking one of his hands and placing it on my stomach and securing it with my other hand.

'i love you.' he sniffled quietly, suddenly morphing into the small, scared boy that i could see deep within him.

'i love you.' i replied, taking on the role of the protector and comforter.

first mr miller came in, and then more and more people filed in, mattia and i decided that it would be best to sit further apart than usual, but the increasing space between us felt like a symbol of something bigger.

i sat in silence and prayed with every ounce of my soul that the prosecution would decide to become a little more empathetic, and allow the judge to lay a shorter sentence on mattia.

however the atmosphere in the room was a force that was extremely difficult to compete against.

the anticipation levels ascended higher and higher with each passing second, almost becoming palpable as the tension hung over the room like a vapor.

the sound of the judge banging his gavel jerked me swiftly out of my thoughts.

'order.' he stated loudly, grinding all activity in the room to a sharp halt.

i balled each of my hands into fists under the table, restricting myself from my habit of rapidly tapping against my knees in times of high anxiety.

i diverted my undivided attention towards the judge and his speech, becoming so hyper focused that i felt as if i could see the words forming on his lips before they had even left his mouth.

the thought that this man held my entire fate and future in his hands flashed across my mind, but i suppressed it as fast as i could, pushing it so far down that it became nothing more than a tiny mound of atoms.

i wasn't going to allow my mind to wander into the endless realms of irrational thinking. not today, at least.

'today's court session will not be an ordinary one.' the judge announced.

these words somehow boiled up more tension than there already was, and caused me to sink my fingernails into my clammy palms instinctively.

'as we have seen, this case has drawn unprecedented amounts of attention, and with this, it has brought proportional levels of pressure. the board, the state and i have all arrived at the unanimous decision in which we believe that to handle this case with as much efficiency as possible would be at the centre of all our best interests. hence, we have chosen to cut down the court duration length down substantially. therefore, today, i am asking that both sides deliver their final statements to the jury, and tomorrow, the verdict will be served.'

i turned to mr miller, slightly confused, but he appeared as if he was on the verge of a bursting fit of rage, and strangely, so did mr pearson, the opposing lawyer.

'wait, mr miller, whats actually happening.' i asked him beneath the blanket of shocked chatter that the audience had fabricated.

'they're asking us to give our final persuasive speech to the jury today, which is supposed to be the final convincing push, so it's very important, and i expected to be given time to prepare for it.' he answered, trying to keep his cool.

i glanced over at mattia to see him biting his nails whilst trying to steady his knee which was bouncing up and down out of worry.

it looked like things had taken a turn for the worst, and it didn't even surprise me.

i finally acknowledged that i had been cursed with bad luck since the start of this entire thing, so i just sighed and stared into the air in front of me.

unphased and numb.