The Drug Dealers Handbook

Chapter Thirteen

Spencer deserved an explanation for why I was being a big fat bitch. 

But the idea of talking to him was much more appealing than talking to Lillian, so I couldn't complain much. 

James had just left to hang out with Weston and Ben, and assumed that I was heading home, or over to Natalia's. He wouldn't have thought that I would stick around to talk to his brother. 

I hadn't told James anything that had happened with Spencer lately. It just felt wrong to talk about it with him, like I was crossing a line of some sort. Spencer was always holed up in his room when we were home, and he stopped calling so there was no reason that I would have to confront him with James there. 

I found myself at his closed bedroom door, not being able to convince myself to knock or even just barge in. What was I even supposed to say? I guess I should have planned that out before I stood outside his door like a creeper. But the problem with deciding what to say, is I'd have to decide what I wanted, and I wasn't sure of that either. 

He saved me the problem of knocking when his door flung open, my hand slightly raised like I was going to rap on the door (even though I probably wouldn't have) and ran straight into me. 

"Woah, sorry," he said, "Didn't see you there." 

Words seemed to have slipped my mind, and I didn't reply. We just sat there in a very, very, awkward silence. 

"Well," he finally said, after what felt like forever. "I'm going to... Yeah," He tried to sidestep me, but I wouldn't let him. 

"Can we talk?" I asked, and when I saw the skeptical look on his face I added, "Please? I owe at least that to you." Spence still didn't look too happy about having to have a little chat with me, but I had to just do this before I lost my nerve. 

Again. 

Spencer stepped to the side and gestured me into his room. 

I still wasn't sure where to start, and again, we fell into an awkward silence. The kind of silence that's deafening. 

I started to say, "I just wanted-" at the same time he said "Are you going-?" and we both gave a tight laugh. 

"You first," he finally said. 

Taking a deep breath, I began. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry for everything. For running off that night at Kayla's party after you said... Yeah." I shifted uncomfortably on my feet. "And I'm sorry for kissing you and then never answering your calls, and for never giving you an explanation." 

"So is that what your going to do now?" he asked. 

"What?" I was confused. 

"Give me an explanation," Spencer elaborated. 

I blinked. "OH. Uhh, yeah sure." Was that what I came here to do? Maybe, I just thought that I came to make things right so we didn't have to keep tiptoeing around each other. 

He waited patiently for me to begin again. 

"When I kissed you... It was all of those old feelings coming back. You comforted me, and it was just like old times and I couldn't help it. And when I didn't talk to you after that, that was me remembering everything that happened since those good times. I remembered that the good times didn't matter anymore." As soon as I said all of that, I realized it was true. I did feel all of those things. 

That whole time I had been looking anywhere but at Spencer, but when I finished I dared a glance. He had his head cocked a bit to the side, with a look that said he wanted to say something but wasn't sure if he should.