"A Sanctuary Safe and Strong"(Marianas Trench)

Chapter 54

Josh sighed quietly before finally looking back up at Matt with eyes glassy eyes that shimmered a bit under the lighting. The blond wasn't a crier by any means, so that alone tipped the guitar player off, officially letting Matt know that the singer was going through even more than he had been able to say at first. Josh shook his head and blinked quickly several times. "I'm sorry," he said thickly. 

No," Matt argued, shaking his head and laying a hand on Josh's shoulder. "I don't want an apology. There's nothing to apologize for. If anything, I'm the one who's sorry. I should have seen this shit coming and tried to... I dunno, tried to do something about it."  

"Do something about what, exactly?" Josh asked, swallowing hard and easing himself away from Matt's touch. "What could you have possibly done without knowing what was happening? Seriously. What the fuck do you really think you could've done?" He stared at the guitar player until Matt finally shrugged. In retrospect, he knew that there had been something more going on than just the lack of sleep, but he hadn't been able to figure it out, and knew that he wouldn't have been able to, even if he'd spent his time studying the older man. That meant that he couldn't have stopped what was going on, even though he wished with everything he had that he could have. 

The guitarist shrugged his shoulders. "I...don't know, man... I just don't. I'm sorry... But I should've..." He didn't have any kind of a solution for the blond. Matt didn't have answers for himself, either. He should have done something, but there was just...nothing. He'd never been more confused, and the heightened fear from everything was still clouding his every thought, making it damn near impossible to think at all, let alone rationally.  

"I think...I fucked up again," Josh said quietly as he very lightly repetitively trailed the tips of his fingers over his forearm right where the bandages had been. "I fucked up big time, plain and simple." 

Standing easily and silently, Matt moved to cross the room just to put some space between himself and the older man. He had to distance himself just a little, somehow, and it turned out that the measure of just a few yards felt like enough. He couldn't sit there and watch Josh finger those non-existent marks that he shouldn't have even been thinking about in the first place. That was starting to make everything almost too real for Matt. At least, more real in a way than it ever should have been. He came to a stop at the window and stared out at all the other lights that flickered off and on across the greater downtown area that night as he hoped that those people were having a much calmer night than he was.  

There were still more questions than answers, and the guitarist needed to try to be able to wrap his head around everything in some way, somehow. Giving the city of Vancouver one last look, Matt turned back to face Josh, who was eerily continuing to trace light invisible lines across his forearm. It was almost as if he had become transfixed on the movement, seeming to forget that the brunet was even in the room.  

Matt had to stop this before it somehow spun itself into another situation like the A-list horror movie he'd walked into earlier. He could feel his own stomach twist and turn, watching this scene play out in front of him. "Josh?" he said softly, stepping in closer to the blond again. He was a mere twelve inches away from the older man now, bracing himself just in case he had to tackle Josh once more for his own good. Matt hated to have to do it, but he'd have done anything to save the older man from himself these days. 

The call of his name elicited only a simple hum of acknowledgement from the singer, who paused in his motions to place his palm flat against his forearm in one final gesture.  

"Josh, look at me," Matt requested. He needed to see the blond's eyes, needed to see if he was really in there behind the blue irises and the whites tinged with pink. He wanted some confirmation that the same Josh Ramsay he had always known was behind the fragile exterior he was currently standing in front of with his fingers crossed.