"A Sanctuary Safe and Strong"(Marianas Trench)

Chapter 16

"Fuck," Josh breathed again in a vague response. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest and he leaned his head back, closing his eyes for a beat or two. More humiliation, more embarrassment, more proof that he needed to be locked away somewhere and never heard from again. Ignoring the intense pain he was now feeling, the blond eased himself up off the floor to get away from the glass, settling on the very edge of the mattress, unable to tear his gaze away from the mess. 

"Yeah," Matt huffed in agreement. Josh felt a dip at the end of the bed when the guitarist sat, leaning over with his elbows on his knees. He was still breathing just as hard as Josh was and the singer could swear he felt the younger man's body shaking, but he wasn't sure if the brunet was actually contributing to the vibrations he was feeling, or if he was doing enough of that for both of them. 

"I saw...I thought I saw... There was..." The blond tried to explain what he assumed had been out to get him, but now he wasn't at all sure he knew what the truth was. His recent reality wasn't very reliable lately.  

The brunet leaned forward a bit further, reaching up to rub his hands over his face again. Josh could hear the younger man's heavy sigh behind his fingers. "What, Josh? What was it?"  

"I...don't... I'm not sure," Josh admitted quietly, taking a shallow breath of his own and wincing.  

Matt dropped his arms and glanced around the room. "Was it this?" He stood once more and took several carefully placed steps across the floor, pulling a hanger off the standing full length mirror in the corner. Holding it up in front of him, he turned toward the light so that Josh could see what was in his hand. "My suit? For my cousin's wedding in a couple of weeks." 

"S-suit?" the singer asked, as he dragged his gaze from the floor and over to Matt. 

"Yeah, my goddamn suit, Josh. This wouldn't have hurt you any more than I would have." The brunet hung it back in its place, stepping cautiously around the broken glass to pick up the blankets, balling them up and throwing them in a pile on the floor on the opposite side of the bed, away from the mess that would undoubtedly need to be cleaned up as soon possible.  

"I'm sorry," Josh whispered, his voice cracking and fading to nothing before he was able to get the word out completely. He couldn't risk making Matt angry, especially not when he'd gone so far out of his way to help. "I'm so, so fucking sorry." 

Matt exhaled loudly, raking a hand through his hair again. Josh could see the frustration in his body language and it didn't matter how many times he apologized for being a nuisance, being in the way, being a burden, being someone who couldn't stand on his own two feet. It would never feel like enough. The brunet moved his hands back to his sides, tugging the flannel pants a bit higher up on his hips as he surveyed the room once more. "It's okay, man. It's...it is what it is." A quieter sigh filled the air. "Now I know. Now I know exactly why you showed up tonight... And it's obvious as hell that you can't sleep here." 

"I...yeah...," he finally admitted, now that Matt had caught on. "I can go. I'll go. I'll find...somewhere..." The singer stood, moving carefully across the floor, the only sound being the small bits of glass falling from his socks each time he raised a foot to take another step. Stopping at the door, Josh lightly scuffed the bottoms of his socks along the floor, ridding himself of any glass he'd picked up before bracing his hand against the frame, leaning into it. "I'm sorry." 

"Hey. Where do you think you're going?"  

"You said...-" 

"I meant in this room, man. You can't stay in this room. Not alone." Matt's tone had softened considerably from the five minutes before when he'd first gotten a look at the wreck Josh had made of everything. The light behind the blond went out, leaving him feeling relatively danger-free thanks to the hall light overhead. The brunet brushed past the singer, briefly tugging lightly on the front of Josh's borrowed tshirt and letting go. "C'mon." 

"What? Where?" 

Matt pointed in the direction of his bedroom, waiting for Josh to walk in and flip on the first light he could find before turning off the hall light. "Don't fight me for once. Please. Just go." The guitar player followed the blond into the room, shutting and locking the door behind them both.  

The singer glanced around the room, unsure of what Matt wanted him to do. The last thing he could handle was sleeping on the floor in his condition, not that he wanted to start using that as some kind of fucking martyr-ish reason to get his way every time he snapped his fingers or anything. But he also couldn't make Matt sleep on the floor like a dog either.  

"Get in," the younger man ordered gently, putting a light hand against Josh's lower back and forcing him gently toward the bed. 

Josh pushed back against Matt, shaking his head. "No. Fuck, dude, I can't... No. You need to...-" 

Matt cut off his words, seemingly already aware of why the blond was protesting. "And I'm gonna. We're both gonna sleep. Please stop arguing with me and trust me. The bed is big enough for both of us. Just get in. I can't go back and forth on this shit anymore, man. I didn't wanna bring this up, but I've been sleeping in a hard wooden chair for the last three days, and I'm exhausted. I can't tell which end is up anymore. It's all because I care about you, Ramsay. Now just get in the damn bed."  

Josh nodded without argument this time. As much as he wanted to fight the guitar player on this, he couldn't. And, admittedly after that lovely little incident he'd just put himself through, he really couldn't be alone. The singer braced a knee on the edge of the bed and pulled himself up, crawling across the mattress and settling in on the far left side of the king sized bed, facing away from the younger man. He didn't say a word when the brunet straightened, then pulled up the blankets that he had so carelessly flung away from his body when he'd heard Josh yelling from across the hall. Matt simply tucked the sheet and comforter around the singer carefully and climbed into bed on the other side, doing his best to avoid jarring the older man too much. 

Reaching his arm out to fumble with the switch, the brunet paused. "Lamp off, okay?" he asked, sounding sympathetic to Josh's current need for light.  

The bright red numbers on the digital clock showed that it was now nearly five o'clock in the morning. The sun would be up soon enough. With Matt at his side and the glow of the clock, he should be able to make it for another hour or so. He could do that, he thought. "Yeah," Josh agreed. "Lamp off." 

Matt snapped the switch, pitching them into darkness once more before rolling around to get comfortable.  

The singer pulled the blankets up over his shoulder, now nearly used to the pounding all through his upper body. The pain, well, the pain fucking hurt. But he still couldn't ask Matt to walk all the way to his car in the pouring rain just for a few bottles of pills. No way. No way in hell. That wouldn't be - 

"Listen, Ramsay...," Matt said softly, interrupting the mental 'woe is me' wallowing that Josh was busy doing. 

"Yeah?" 

"If you tell anyone else about this, especially the rest of the guys in the band, I swear to fucking God that I'll deny it until the day I die. But, I think you need this more than you're willing to let on." More movement behind him. Then, an arm was draped loosely over his side just below his ribs and the warmth of Matt's chest was pressed against his back. "This okay?" 

Josh wasn't sure if Matt was asking whether he was comfortable with the hold or if it was too painful, but either way, he was a little too surprised that the guitarist made that move all on his own to deny it. "Yeah," he whispered, cringing only slightly as he felt Matt's fingers accidentally graze over the largest and still tender bruise near just above his bellybutton.  

"Good. Now sleep," the brunet spoke quietly into the blond's ear. It wasn't long before the younger man's breathing steadied and his body went slack against Josh's.  

Josh pulled the blanket up a little higher around himself, finally almost content for the first time since Matt had been willing to climb into his bed in the hospital. Knowing that someone cared that much for him helped even more than he realized. Matt wasn't just safe. Matt was a refuge. He was calm, quiet strength when Josh needed it. "Thank you," he whispered into the night, closing his eyes and yawning. It didn't take long before he, too, felt himself being pulled under by Morpheus.