"A Sanctuary Safe and Strong"(Marianas Trench)

Chapter 20

One thousand, ninety-seven dollars, seventy three cents and an hour later, Matt and Josh stood staring at each other in the parking lot outside the mechanic's garage doors. The singer unlocked the driver's side door of his car and braced a foot on the edge of the floorboard. "Thanks for the ride, dude. Again." 

"Hey, no problem. Are you positive you're gonna be able to drive like that?" 

The blond glanced down at the car and back over at Matt, questioning the same thing again, himself. "Like I said before, I'll have to see. I fuckin' hope so, though, dude." 

"Alright. Well, how about I follow you back to your place just in case, and then we can collect some of your shit to take back to my house?" Matt suggested. 

"What? Why?" Josh knew why Matt was asking. He really didn't want to talk about it. He sort of wanted to pretend like he hadn't had the most major meltdown of his entire life the night before, since Matt still hadn't said a word about it beyond mentioning cleaning up the mess, and he only hoped that pretending to play dumb meant that the younger man wouldn't want to drag it out any further. 

"You know, man. Pick up some clothes, your toothbrush, all that crap so you'll be more comfortable at my place for as long as you need to stay." The brunet leaned back against his car and tucked his thumbs into his belt loops. 

Well, shit. Matt was just being too fucking nice again. Now Josh really owed him a bit more of a conversation than just a simple "no". "Nah. I'm fine, dude." There was that goddamn word again. "Fine". Fuck "fine". He'd only ever used that word when he wasn't, and everyone knew it, but this time he actually meant it. He was as fine, as okay, as passable as he could be for the time being. "Thanks, though. It was just last night, you know? I was a little freaked out, but fuck it. I'm alright now. I'll be...-," 

And there it was. The look on Matt's face said Josh had just crossed a line that they both knew extremely well. Throughout their years of friendship, that same line had been erased and moved numerous times, but it was there just the same.  

"Just cut the shit. If you say "fine" again, I'll know for sure that you're lying through your teeth, man. I already have a feeling that's not the total truth," Matt admitted, stopping him. "That wasn't just "a little freaked out." That was a goddamn mess, that's what that was. You were a fucking wreck. I couldn't even leave the room without you having a fit!" The younger man turned and opened the back door of his car, reaching in and pulling out the travel bag that originally contained the clothes that Josh currently wore. The brown paper bag that held his ruined and blood-stained clothing along with the small white paper bag of medications were tucked inside.  

Thank fuck for the medications, Josh thought, knowing that swallowing as many pain pills as he could would be his top priority as soon as he got home. 

The guitar player shoved the bag into the blond's hand and Josh tossed it behind him into the passenger seat. "I'm sorry, dude. If I had known it was gonna be such a fuckin' problem, I wouldn't have shown up in the first place," he said with a tone that suggested nothing less than defensive anger. Before the words had left his mouth, he was already mentally apologizing to Matt for the way he was speaking. Josh appreciated everything the younger man was doing for him. He did. He truly, truly did. It's just that he'd finally realized that when he felt vulnerable, he needed something to hide behind, and that's when his attitude took any random various form it could, ranging from class clown to sarcastic asshole (most of the time), to shutting down (now and then), to getting completely pissed off (very rarely). Now he hovered somewhere between all of the above. 

"That's not what I said! It's not what I... Forget it, Josh. Drive safe. And, if you care enough, text me to let me know you got home okay." The brunet pushed himself away from the passenger door and walked around the car, pulling the driver's side door open and angling himself down onto the seat.  

Matt started the engine and rolled down the windows, sitting in sulking silence for a second or two before speaking again. "Do you still wanna meet at the studio later tonight around eight?" 

Josh nodded wordlessly and slid himself behind the wheel of his car, slamming the door shut behind him as he watched Matt drive across the lot and pull out into traffic. "Fuck!" He lowered his head down onto the steering wheel briefly, entirely annoyed with himself for not being able to keep his fucking mouth in check. Matt was only trying to help, good guy that he was. "Fuck," he repeated. 

He really couldn't afford to piss Matt off, although, as close as they were, it's not like it would have broken them apart. It was just extra stress that no one needed, and Josh hated when there was a rift anywhere among the group. He'd have to apologize and explain later, not that the brunet wasn't used to Josh's moods. He'd been there practically since the beginning of time and had seen Josh at his absolute worst, but still, the singer felt bad about any kind of disagreement whenever it occurred. 

The blond twisted his body, trying his best to use his left hand to get the key into the ignition. Sighing softly, he just couldn't make it work. The angle was all wrong and he nearly dropped the key twice before giving up and switching the object to the opposite hand. Slowly and carefully, Josh leaned in as close as he could so that he could use his right hand to stick the key into the ignition and start the car. "Fuck, fuck, fuck." 

Cranking up whatever CD happened to be in the player at the time, Josh was able to take his mind off everything for the moment by loudly and roughly singing along to the songs he was already sick to death of hearing as they pumped through the speakers. It took him a little longer than usual to get back to his condo, though he made it without incident, luckily. Turning corners was a bit of a challenge, but not enough to get himself killed in the process. The movements put a strain on his entire body and he could swear that he felt his injuries thumping along to bass of the music as he pulled into the parking lot, but at least now he knew that he could drive if he absolutely had to.