"A Sanctuary Safe and Strong"(Marianas Trench)

Chapter 49

The drive home only scared Josh senseless once when he accidentally stepped on the gas instead of the brake pedal, but no harm was done. Thank the universe. His near collision with the car in front of him did serve to wake him up a bit more for the rest of the fifteen minutes he was on the road. He was never more grateful to see the parking lot of the condo than he was at that time, even though the idea of walking in by himself still scared him more than he wanted to admit. He was just too tired to care anymore. The full body shuddering persisted, but he managed not to trip over his own two feet as he made his way from the car to the front door.  

It took four tries before Josh was able to get the key into the lock, and it was déjà vu. He hadn't experienced that problem in a decade or more. In fact, the last time he had this much trouble with a lock was the night he finally got busted for drugs by his parents and shipped off to a rehab center at age eighteen. That wasn't his problem this time, at least. This wasn't something that could be solved with a two month stay and a sixty day cross-his-fingers-and-hope-it-worked-this-time treatment program for addiction. No, he'd let those old diseases lie ages ago.  

This problem wasn't something he brought on himself, but it was the one thing that he just couldn't kick, or rather, was afraid of trying to sort out. The usual insomnia he dealt with, in and of itself, was something he'd had for as long as he could remember, and it was only getting worse as he got older. As soon as the singer thought he had it under control, it hit him all over again, a little harder each time than ever before. But this time around, it was more self-induced than anything else, just in effort to avoid his dreams, and it was definitely causing him more problems than he knew he'd have if he could just get rid of the goddamn nightmares. 

To prove his own point, Josh lost his footing and stumbled over the rug just inside the door, catching himself on the wall just before he went down. Throwing a handful of profanities out into the empty space around him, he turned and slammed the door shut before dropping his keys onto the table, forgetting to lock the door, any door for the first time in two weeks. Making his way through the house and into the living room without bothering to turn around to secure himself inside the house, he swore, "Fuck it." 

The clock on the microwave in the kitchen read four forty-seven p.m.. Josh had scheduled the entire day around working at the studio first with Matt, then later on once the brunet had left to get ready for the wedding, Mike and Ian were supposed to show up, but those plans had obviously been shot to hell. He felt a little bad about dragging Matt all the way out there for only about six hours' worth of work, but there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. Not only did they have work to do anyway, but he was starting to depend very heavily on having Matt around for comfort, and being at the studio provided him with an excuse to keep the younger man close at hand.  

"Josh." The familiar call of his name came again, sounding very close to his right ear. 

He spun on his heel, gripping the back of the couch and turning to look for the same phantom voice that he had heard in the studio and in his own home several times before. "What?" Still seeing no one, he now knew for sure that his lucidity was slipping. Nothing was making sense anymore in his addled mind, and he couldn't focus on anything long enough to even try to figure it out. He knew it and he didn't know how to make it stop. Removing his hand, Josh sunk down onto the arm of the couch and sighed angrily. 

"Josh, Josh, Josh...," his name was drawled repetitively. 

The singer swallowed hard, hesitantly giving in to the voice. "What the fuck do you want??" 

"Josh, listen to us." 

"Fuck you!" he yelled at the taunting voice, already completely over everything that was trying to crack his sanity and split it into unidentifiable fragments that could never be put back together again. "Say my fucking name again! I fuckin' dare you! SAY IT AGAIN!"