No More Dream: Jimin's Trainee Story ✔

Chapter Thirteen: No More Dream

November and December 2012

Hoseok's coming out to the group sparked a big change... they talked more openly about LGBTQ rights, about the state of sexuality in Korea, and what they could do as Idols to change the world for closeted Koreans. They were all more free with their affection for each other but also communicative and respectful. When they planned skinship interactions on stage, everyone was fully informed and consensual, while accepting it was a part of Idol life...

Jimin felt as if there was something unsaid, and yet he wasn't quite ready to face it.

Meanwhile their debut grew closer. They began to have intense planning meetings, figuring out who they would be presented as.

Namjoon had been Rap Monster for some time but decided to shorten it to RM...Yoongi decided to take on the name Suga after his favorite basketball position of shooting guard. "I leave it all on the stage like I did on the court," He said with a grin.

Hoseok's Idol name seemed like no Brainer, J-Hope. Everyone agreed how powerfully this fit him, and that it's a nod to his real hope, to make homosexuality acceptable in Korea.
"I can be the Hope of LGBTQ fans," he said, "I will Hope for them for a world where they can be themselves."

Taehyung picked a simple "V" for Victory...Jimin wasn't sure what he wanted his Idol name to be. When he closed his eyes he saw the crowd shouting Jimin.

Jungkook also seemed unsure, and they eventually settled on sticking with their actual names.

Choosing names goes along with makeovers, cutting and styling hair. The label is in constant meetings with Namjoon and Yoongi about their image, their look, which songs they should debut...

Jimin started to get more and more nervous.

.....................................................................

"Jiminie, you are too intense." Hoseok said. "Come see the video."

Jimin stepped over to him, chest heaving with the effort of the recent dance, stepped over to where the dance practice is being recorded.

Hoseok rewinded and pressed play. Jimin saw the seven members...of course he was picked for his dancing (almost exclusively, he said to himself, negatively) so he was in the front line with JHope and Jungkook.

Jimin watched them dance. Hoseok moved effortlessly, like water. Jungkook moved with power and intention, but also with ease. Then there was him. His eyes watered and burned, he wanted to look away but he couldn't. His movements seemed intense and exaggerated, stood out in contrast to the relaxed and smooth movements of the rest of the group.

"See," Hoseok explains to him what he just saw clearly, "even though other members don't know the moves as well as you do, they seem more relaxed and smooth. You have to take it down a notch and try to match the intensity of the rest of the group."

This seemed to start a nightmare that Jimin couldn't escape from. As the debut grew closer, his anxiety grew. He channeled his anxiety into practicing...but it meant that when people watched him dance they felt anxious too.

Every day they were training, promoting, more and more becoming this image of the Idols they were supposed to be. And yet now every day, after every dance, Hobi and the managers wanted to talk to Jimin. Every day he was asked if he could change the way he danced and the harder he tried, the worse the problem seemed to get.

He spent every day now in a state of constant panic. He can't help but feel that they would be better off without him. He cried himself to sleep, every night, trying to stay silent under the covers so that the other members wouldn't know... 

He began to notice whispered conversations between the older members, glances at him that turned into bright smiles if he met their eyes. A growing sense of dread began to fill more and more of Jimin. He could hardly breathe sometimes.

.............................................................

This was it. Jimin had to use every part of his self control not to burst out crying and run away.

"We still want you to remain with Big Hit, but we aren't sure you are the right fit with the Bangtan Boys," Bang PD said gently. 

He was alone in the office. No Namjoon or Yoongi to save him. 

Don't cry, don't cry, he told himself. He couldn't hear any other words of Bang-shi.. His brain was a scream where his dream was ripped from his hands.