I remember how I met my first friend ever.
We were at a park, the grass greener than it ever was. A gloomy day, but it's ironic that it was when I started to take a liking to sunflowers.
My father was never available. Ang araw na 'yon lang ang natatanging araw na nakalaan para sa akin sa isang buwan, kaya kinuha ko na ang pagkakataon kahit halos hindi na makasilip ang araw sa kapal ng mga ulap.
"Dad! Can you push the swing for me?" I asked my father as my small legs couldn't reach the ground. But he was nowhere near the hearing range. Nasa malayo siya, may kausap sa telepono.
I wanted to cry, but the only thing my father taught me was not to cry. Kasi lalaki ako. At a very young age, I already knew how wrong it was, but I wanted to follow him. For the sake of making myself remember that I have a father.
Ang swing na ito ay may apat pa na makakasakay, at ang mga katabi ko ay tinutulak ng mga mama o di kaya'y papa nila. Nagtatawanan at masasaya ang mga mata.
Pero naagaw ang atensyon ko ng isang batang babae. Mahaba ang kulay kayumangging buhok, morena ang balat, gusto kong makita ang mukha pero natatakpan ito ng buhok niya.
She was wearing a yellow dress filled with sunflower patterns. Ang ganda niya, 'yan ang una kong naisip tungkol sa kaniya. At malaking bagay na iyon dahil para sa akin, si Mom lang ang maganda.
Tumalon ako mula sa swing para makababa at nagasgasan pa ang tuhod ko dahil mali ang pagbagsak ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero siya ang unang tiningnan ko, at nakita kong tinawanan niya ako.
Nanlaki ang mata ko. Her smile, her laughter, and her smiling eyes were gorgeous. I wanted to see them again, kaya sinasadya kong magpadapa ulit para makita siyang tumawa ulit.
Napangiti ako nang tumawa nga siya. Grabe.
Lumapit ako sa kaniya, "Hello... Anong pangalan mo?" tanong ko.
Tumingin siya sa mga paa niyang maliliit, mas lalong hindi abot ang lupa kaya kanina pa siya roon. Natatakot siguro siyang bumaba. "Sabi ni Lola, huwag na huwag raw akong makipag-usap sa mga hindi ko kakilala."
"Oh... Okay..." tumango ako at naintindihan. My mom tells me that too.
Lumipat ako sa likuran niya at sinundan niya ako ng tingin. I pushed the swing so that she'd enjoy it. Noong una ay naramdaman kong nanigas siya sa takot at napakapit sa hawakan pero kinalaunan ay nagsimula na siyang tumawa.
Gagawin ko ang lahat para lang makita ang ngiti niya ulit. Ang tagal ko siyang tinutulak at ang tawa niya ay sobrang sarap sa pandinig. Parang mas masaya pa nga ako kaysa sa mga bata na kasabay namin at may mga magulang na kasama.
Maya-maya ay ako naman ang pinaupo niya at ako ang tinulak niya sa swing. "Hey, stranger..." tawag ko sa kaniya. Ang polaroid camera na nakasabit sa katawan niya ay tinuro ko, "Picture tayo?"
"Oh sige, pero ikaw ang mag-uwi ng picture, ha? Magagalit kasi si Tita ko kapag nalaman niya na naglaro ako dito..." malungkot na sabi niya.
Saktong pagkakuha namin ng litrato ay sinundo na ako ni Dad. Ayaw kong umalis pero kailangan, at ang huli kong nakita ay ang pilit na ngiti ng bago kong kaibigan.
I already forgot about her smile after everything that has happened, but for a long while, it helped me go through a lonely childhood. I used to swear to find her and make her laugh again.
But all of that is just a child's wish.
Kinalabit ako ni Shun nang may makita siyang babaeng papalapit sa amin dito sa bar. Sa akin nakatingin ang babae, at parang sobrang natural na sa akin na iangat ang kamay ko at ipakita ang singsing sa daliri ko.
"Sorry, I'm taken."
Tangina naman, Salonga. Tangina.
Sa'yong sa'yo pa rin ako.
And I am so fucking lost without you.
"No plans of moving on, huh?" My only friend here in Japan asked me as he smirked. I guess I have no more friends here after this conversation.
"Speak for yourself, Shunsuke. You spent more years moving on than your actual relationship with her." balik ko. Alam niya agad kung sino ang tinutukoy ko, walang iba kung hindi ang iniwan niya sa Pilipinas.
"At least I did not take up another four years of education just so I could fulfill her wishes, and law school at that!"
Nairita ako, dala na rin siguro ng alak at tumatagos ang bawat sinasabi niya. Eh pareho lang naman kaming wasak rito. Nag-isip ako ng ipambabara sa kaniya, "At least I am not helplessly in love wiith someone who's already happily taken."
He sighed in defeat. "Best friends in love with best friends, huh?"
Best friends nga, pero baka marinig ka ni Ashriel nyan. Magselos pa yun.
Speaking, or more like thinking of the devil, saktong tumawag si Ashriel. Ibinalitang magpopropose na siya kay Nyx, pero best man agad ang niyayaya sa akin.
"Paano ka nakasisigurado na papayag siyang pakasal sa'yo?"
"She will. She loves me."
Tumawa ako dahil sa sitwasyon ko ay hindi sapat ang pagmamahal lang.
"Try not to come and you'll never hear from me again." seryosong sabi ng matalik kong kaibigan. Lakas maka-jowa nito kung magdemand ah. Isumbong ko nga kay Nyx.
Tumawa ako, "Yes, babe."
"Fuck you."
I wonder if my Astraea is invited, too.
Natakot nga ako nung minsan, nanaginip ako na masyado ko palang ginalingan sa pagiging boyfriend ni Trey, baka wala na siyang mahanap na kapalit.
Hindi ko alam kung totoo ang napanaginipan ko o yung kapal ng mukha ko lang talaga yung nagsasalita.
With me coming back home, I still remember everything about us vividly. Every single moment of it. Those memories and my hopes of them happening againn were what kept me alive the whole time. The memories of being loved dearly by the one and only Astraea Lekha are the days I'd die for, just to relive them again.
Mataray, halata naman sa mukha sa unang pagkikita palang namin. Ayaw kong nasusungitan dahil ang dami naman d'yan na kumukuha ng atensyon ko kaya hindi ko alam kung bakit ngayong tinatarayan niya ako ay tuwang tuwa pa ako!
"When do we start?" Hindi ko mapigilang mangiti sa kung paano niya sinusubukan na bilisan ang lakad para takasan ako pero walang epekto.
Sumagot siya na hindi man lang tumingin sa akin, "Hindi ko alam. Kailangan pa nating pag-usapan ang schedules."
Oh no, do not try to look away from me when you have already started to amuse me this much. I moved right in front of her to stop her from her tracks, but this girl just bumped into me!
Binangga niya ako! Ang cute, tangina!
"Galit ka?" tanong ko na inilingan niya. I am enjoying this so much.
Something about her is making me feel so giddy, and I felt like she would not notice me at all if I do not try my hardest.
So I tried.
Come on, baby. Notice me.
"Galit ka yata sa akin?"
Here's the thing. I have always been confident about my looks. Gwapo ko sabi ng nanay ko, tapos sabi nila mother knows best, kaya syempre. Sino ako para hindi maniwala?
Pero nang titigan niya ako nang diretso sa mga mata ay parang biglang gusto kong magtago! Para itago ang bigla kong pagkahiya dahil sa tingin niya ay inasar ko na lang siya lalo.
"Naiirita ako sa'yo, Mr. Manzanares."
Bakit ka maiirita sa akin? Ikaw nga itong tumitig sa akin kanina tapos hindi mo ako paninindigan? "Alam mo yung apelyido ko, Astraea! Kilala mo na pala ako!"
"Ang saya mo?" puna niya sa lagi kong pag-ngiti.
Now, that is where you're wrong.
I have a hopeless crush on my classmates, who by the way, also happens to be my best friend's first and current love. Tang ina naman, Ashriel. First love, sa tanda mong 'yan?
"Magsusuntukan ba tayo?" tanong ko sa matalik kong kaibigan nang tinawag niya ako sa likod ng building namin.
Humalakhak siya, "What the fuck?"
"Eh, 'di ba ganun talaga? Kapag nag-aagawan kayo sa isang babae, magsusuntukan? Like, tangina mo, sa akin siya! Ganun."
Hindi pa rin siya tapos sa pagtawa. "No! I'm not hurting you, Jiro. I just want to tell you that while I value this friendship so much, I can't let her go."
Ngumiti ako. Alam ko naman. I never expected him to give way just because I have feelings for her. Nakikita ko kung paano niya tingnan si Nyx, eh. Masyado na siyang malalim.
Mahal na mahal ko si Ashriel, hindi naging mahirap na magpaubaya. If it is him, I don't mind.
I started playing the drums because of him. Ashriel took interest in music and when all his time was dedicated to it, I felt left out. I am so done being abandoned, so I learned it... but I wasn't born with the natural talent he has, so I spent years perfecting it.
I was too scared to be alone. But I met someone who made me feel that I do not have to adjust for others just for them to stay. She made sure that I know that she'd accept me even in the days when I don't try. I am done proving myself worthy all the damn time.
But years ago, I did not know that. I liked doing something for someone important to me, and in this case, that someone is Ashriel. So, as per his request, I stayed late in our classroom to accompany and help Nyx Lyrica with a project that even I haven't done myself.
"Naghintay ako. Dalawang oras. Wala ka nang ibang sasabihin?" matapang ang pagkakasabi niya nito pero nanginginig ang boses siya.
Why... is she crying?
Nang makita kong namumuo ang mga luha niya, wala akong ibang naisip kung hindi ang punasan ang mga iyon.
"I'm sorry..." I said, in a tone a million times softer than I intended it to be.
Iniiwas niya ang braso niya sa bawat pag-abot ko nito. Parang napapaso siya sa bawat hawak ko, at hindi maganda sa pakiramdam.
"I had to wait for someone to go home before I could leave..."
I could have sworn that pain crossed her eyes when I said that, and it is not and overstatement when I say that I wanted to kneel down right in front of her just so she'd stop crying. I hated those tears.
"Do not call me Trey."
Oh no, but you are my Trey.
"What can I do to make it up to you?"
That night, she was the first ever person to ask me about my family. Maliban kay Ashriel, siya lang rin ang nakakaalam. I've only known her for like a week or two, but I was willing to bare my soul to her... because I knew she'd understand.
I became sure of that when she saw me cry. Over another girl.
Even though I was madly infatuated with my classmate, when I saw Nyx cry, Ashriel first came into my mind. Siya yung iniiyakan, eh. Ang epal epal ko naman kung ako pa ang magpapatahan kung maaayos naman nilang dalawa?
So I sent Ashriel a message. There goes my fucking chances at a first love. All down the drain. Sinong hindi maiiyak? Hindi naman ako kasing tibay ni Ashriel kahit anong ipilit ko. 'Di ko maintindihan dahil parang hindi naman si Nyx ang iniyakan ko noon... natakot lang ako na mawala sila sa akin pareho.
Tangina. Napakamakasarili ko.
Kaya ang lala kong ngumiti, eh. Naging natural na sa akin iyon kaya akala nila ay palagi akong masaya. Walang problema. Pero si Astraea, nakita niya kung alin sa mga ngiti ko ang hindi totoo.
Siya lang ang sumubok na kilalanin ako ng husto hanggang sa malaman niya ang mga iyon dahil ang iba... walang ibang nangahas na kilalanin ako nang higit pa sa pagiging miyembro ko ng IGNITION.
My hopeless crush was fading away, and the only person that got my eyes to leave Nyx at the concert was the girl standing on the mezzanine. She wasn't screaming like everyone else, but for some reason, I liked it.
Her eyes were on me.
Sa akin lang... na hindi nagawa ng kahit na sino. To them, I was just always someone who stood on the sidelines and I'd continue being that person to them.
But the look on her beautiful eyes made me believe that this girl, she's mine. That I am not just someone when it comes to her.
She stood out. More than anyone. But I wanted to believe that she was just a friend because I didn't want to lose her, so I convinced myself that I still like Nyx Lyrica.
When Ashriel shouted Nyx's name, I imagined how beautiful it would be if I shouted Astraea Lekha. But that would ruin our friendship, wouldn't it?
Ang pagpipilit ko sa kaniya na magkaibigan na kami ay pagpapaniwala ko rin sa sarili ko na hanggang magkaibigan lang kami.
But seeing her with Ambrose was a big blow to me. Nakakairita! Parang bata kong pinagselosan si Ambrose dahil pakiramdam ko ay pinagpapalit ako ni Ashriel sa kaniya, tapos ngayon, pati si Astraea?
Ano bang meron?
Dahil ba sa A nagsisimula ang lahat ng pangalan nila? Ang daya naman! Kung alam ko lang ay sa tiyan pa lang ng nanay ko, binulungan ko na siya na sa letrang A na lang rin magsimula ang pangalan ko!
But I was immature then. I was selfish.
Akala ko, sa akin lang umiikot ang mundo. Yet she never invalidated my feelings until I unconsciously changed because of her.
When I realized my feelings for her, I just knew I had to clear it all out. I still remember all the times that I hurt her. Tangina, napakain pa ako ng hipon para lang makabawi dahil nakokonsensya ako na puro si Ashriel at Nyx ang nasa isip ko. Gulong gulo ko.
I was doing advances on Trey all while having conflicting feelings for another girl? Kaya kahit nakita ko siya noong araw na iyon, nakapikit na hinihintay ako ay kailangan ko siyang lagpasan. I have to let go of whatever the fuck I have for my best friend's girlfriend so I can be sure!
Forgive me for walking past you, Trey. I do not want to give you half-assed promises, baby. Forgive me for not stopping even when you called.
I cried talking to Nyx that day because I was emotional. Because Ashriel finally got the girl.
When it didn't hurt unlike what I expected, I cried because that's finally one less thing to worry about. At least, I am now sure that I was not in love with the person that Ashriel told me he's going to marry eventually.
That I am now Astraea Lekha's man. No one else's.
Her personality is so strong, it is not something that just anyone could handle. Not for the faint-hearted, to say the least. Her views and opinions opened my eyes to a lot of realities that I would have remained ignorant about if it wasn't for her. Plus, she was very independent.
So seeing her flee with another man made me lose it. I didn't even mind the detail that it is with Ambrose because I am way past that phase. At this point, I just didn't want to lose her.
I knew that she liked me but I was afraid to tell her that I love her! That her liking me is a million worlds different than my love for her! It might scare her.
Pero ang maglasing nang dahil sa akin? For what?
Tangina! I am so fucking crazy about you!
Astraea, pasasayahin kita buong buhay mo. Just you wait. You won't have to do this again. No more heartbreaks for you. I will love you every second of everyday for the rest of your life.
Maghintay ka.
"Get mad at me, please..." Trey begged Nyx. Kanina ko pa siya napapansin na masama ang timpla pero sasabihin niya naman kung anong problema, 'di ba?
Tangina, gusto kong suntukin si Kaius dahil naiisip ko na ang mga pumasok sa utak ni Trey. She'll start thinking that I like Nyx. I don't.
Natatakot ako sa nangyayari kasi wala pa man ay parang unti-unti na siyang nawawala sa akin. She just likes me, for hell's sake! That's still fragile! One wrong move and I'm gone!
"Nyx, sige na! Magalit ka na lang sa akin!"
No, baby... You don't apologize for things that you can not control. Not in front of me, not ever.
"Mahal kita." matapang niyang sabi sa akin.
Oh, fuck.
Say it again.
Say it again, baby.
Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit grabe ang hikbi niya kung ganitong mahal ko rin naman siya. She has no idea how much I do! "Mahal din kita!"
"No, no... You don't get to say that to me, Jiro."
The very first day she told me that she reciprocated my feelings is the same day that I lost her. I hated that it had to happen, and I hate that I could not blame her because I understand where she's coming from.
I realized that on our graduation day. My parents prepared a party for me and I ran away because I hated being around them knowing that they do not love each other. And when I found Astraea longing for her family that day, I realize how she values everything that I take for granted.
I love her so much but I had no idea I hurt her that much. So that day, I let her go which she strongly wished for. She deserved at least that much after putting up with all the pain I was unknowingly giving her.
But I'd get her again. Gagawin ko ang lahat. Dahil buong buhay niya, sa sarili niya lang siya umaasa. Kaya ngayon, gusto kong maging sandigan niya. I wanted her to rely on me. To finally seek help from someone after standing alone for so long.
When she let me go once again, when she bravely said goodbye to me, I was at a loss for words. It amazed me how selfless a person can become. Kung ako ba ang nasa sitwasyon niya, pakakawalan ko siya?
Maybe I can't, but what we needed at that time was to separate. It is what's best for me... and I will forever love her for that. Only her could love me like that. I do not want anyone else's love. Just hers.
Kung hindi siya, huwag na lang. Mas gugustuhin ko nang mag-isa.
The first time I knew I was going to miss her whenever she's not around was when she left for Tuguegarao, to compete in the National Schools Press Conference.
Heck, noong RSPC pa lang nga ay sumama na ako sa kaniya sa Nueva Ecija para lang hindi siya mawalay sa akin! Or more like, para hindi ako mawalay sa kaniya. Now that I look back at it, aling parte sa pagbuntot ko sa kaniya doon ang nagpaisip pa sa kaniya na kaibigan lang ang tingin ko sa kaniya?
"Focus, Kenjiro." sita ni Isaiah sa akin nang magkamali na naman ako. Binitawan ko ang mga stick ko at tumayo para uminom na lang ng tubig. Kumuha ako ng kahit alin sa mga boteng nakakalat.
"That's mine, but whatever." said Ashriel.
Binato ko sa kaniya iyon. "Whatever naman pala, bakit mo pa sinabi? Hangal."
"Woah, woah. What's wrong?"
Nikolai answered for me. "He misses someone. In Tuguegarao, right?"
"What? May girlfriend ka doon? LDR?" tanong ni Nyx na sinama ni Ashriel dito.
"Hell no," sagot ko. I wish she was my girlfriend though. But I most probably suck at long distance relationships.
Ashriel chuckled. "It's his Astraea. She's going to be there for at least a week, am I right?"
"Two weeks." I heaved a sigh after I said that. Sumandal na lang ako sa couch dahil hindi ako mapakali.
"Oh! That's right! She won the Regionals kasi, hindi ba?" sabi ni Nyx. Excited na siya sa lagay na 'to pero ang hinhin talaga ng boses kaya hindi ko maseryoso. Lalo na kapag pinapagalitan si Ashriel, natatawa na lang ako dahil parang leon si Ash na pinagsasabihan ng kuting.
"She won Regionals?" tanong ni Isaiah.
Oh, hell yeah she did. She always wins, that is how freakishly amazing she is. It scares me sometimes, how brilliant she is, but I liked showing her off. She's amazing. Too amazing.
I left early for practice. Isaiah allowed me to because I just wasn't in my best condition.
Miss na miss ko siya. Wala akong ibang maisip kundi siya, kung anong ginagawa niya, kung kumain na ba siya, kung namimiss niya rin ba ako.
Someone seriously has to stop me from flying all the way to her. She still has three days to go! Grabe na!
Napatingin ako sa laptop. Bili na ba ako ng ticket?
Why not, 'di ba? 'Di ba? 'Di ba?
Napabalikwas ako sa kama ko nang tumunog ang cellphone ko. I was already sure that it's not her. Wala nga siyang phone na dala kaya hindi ko makausap!
Selene Ryone Alvarez:
Hello, lover boy!
Kenjiro Louis Manzanares:
Hello, Astraea's friend.
Selene Ryone Alvarez:
Ok. Pasalamat ka pogi ka.
Btw, I have to tell you something.
Bakit ba kailangan pang sabihin na may kailangan siyang sabihin imbes na sabihin na lang agad?
Kenjiro Louis Manzanares:
What is it?
Selene Ryone Alvarez:
Astraea's coming home tonight! 11 P.M.
Clark Airport, Terminal 3.
You're welcome ;D
I hate going out of bed, so I swear that this is the fastest I've gotten out of it. It's just 8 P.M. May tatlong oras pa ako pero dumiretso ako sa banyo para maligo at gawin ang lahat para magmukhang presentable at katanggap-tanggap sa mata ni Treya.
Nagsuot ako ng beige blazer na may v-neck shirt lang sa panloob. On the way there, I stopped to buy her a bouquet of sunflowers.
I just seem to relate her with sunflowers so much.
And there she is. My baby!
She's wearing just a collared blouse and skinny jeans but she looked so beautiful in them.
The living definition of simplicity is beauty.
Gulat siya nang makita ako pero sigurado ako, o baka dahil biased ang isip ko, napalitan iyon ng tuwa. I wanted to run to her but she did it first. Thank God she ran towards me.
She was fast as she ran but it was still so painfully slow. I wanted to embrace her fast. Bilisan mo, Astraea. Namiss kita.
I closed the remaining gap between us with just three steps. And when she was finally in my arms, I couldn't help but heave a sigh of relief.
"Welcome home."
That is what I wanted to feel for the rest of my life. Gusto ko na sa araw-araw siya ang uuwian ko. I can't picture anyone else to melt all my worries as she welcomes me home. I am in this for life.
I was so sure that I am going to marry her. Gusto kong itali ang sarili ko sa kaniya. So I gave subtle hints everyday that I wanted to get married. I was planning on proposing to her the day of her graduation because I know I won't hinder her from reaching her dreams.
But life didn't want that for us. Not immediately. Not as I wanted it to be.
I hated myself for seeing Ameliora in her, but it killed me. Just thinking about my father's mistress breaks my entirety.
Considering how much I missed her then, I do not know how I managed to live five years without her.
I guess being used to it doesn't mean it's easy. You would think that as years went by, it will get easier, but if it's Astraea we're talking about, it never get easy. I just miss her more and more everyday.
"You have to forgive your father, Jiro..." my dearest mother told me as soon as I got here. It seemed like hearing Treya's words. Words of a saint.
She's in shock, seeing me in flesh after so long but I wanted answers. "Why didn't you tell me, ma?"
"I didn't want you to get mad at your dad more than you already are! Jiro, please understand me..."
She's an angel. I was crying for dear life as I knelt in front of my mother, hugging her knees.
"Kenjiro! Kenjiro! Stand up... my son,"
"Forgive me, forgive me, Mama..."
She needed somebody when Dad did it. I was the only person she had and I left her all alone because I was blinded by my lonely childhood!
I made my mother so lonely when I left. I could only imagine the pain she went through, all alone. She needed me most while I was out and about rebelling against her, blaming her for things that she didn't ask for.
"It's not your fault. It is not our fault, love..." My mother enveloped me in an embrace that only a mother could give. She accepted me just like how she accepted my Astraea.
My Astraea...
Our relationship was something that I'd never want to live. She helped me grow a lot more than I helped her. She loved me in ways that I could have never imagined... because if she didn't I wouldn't have had such a hard time getting over her.
"So? Balita?" tanong ni Ashriel nang bumisita ako sa pinapagawa nilang bahay sa Tagaytay. Patapos na ito, furnishing na lang. Ang tagal rin nitong ginawa. It's on a hill and every corner of it screams of Nyx Lyrica, everything being made to her liking.
Kumunot ang noo ko, "Balita saan? We call all the time. I'll tell Nyx that you are now my clingy boyfriend."
"Yeah, alright? That's how you want it? Keep on pretending you don't know what I'm talking about and I won't tell you what I know."
Nakuha niya ang atensyon ko doon.
"Anong alam mo?"
Sasagot na sana siya nang bumaba si Nikolai mula sa second floor kasama si Nyx. "Jiro!" tawag ni Nyx sa akin, nakangiti at nilapitan na kami. Si Nikolai ay walang ekspresyon sa mukha.
Kapal nito, sobrang busy ko na sa law school tapos hindi man lang ako na-miss?
"Don't mind him, he's broken hearted."
Hindi na bago sa akin na may dinadamdam na babae si Nikolai. Alam ko dati pa na baliw na baliw siya sa iisang babae lang. "Sino? Yung crush mo pa rin ba noong college ka?" me, asking the obvious.
"Oo. Siya pa rin." si Ashriel ang sumagot para sa kaniya.
Humalakhak ako, "Tindi ah! Hanggang ngayon kinakalungkot mo lang? Galaw galaw din."
"Wow, Kenjiro. Wow." ngumisi si Nikolai, binabalik ang pang-aasar ko sa akin. Sabi ko nga.
"Kayo ha! Kalalaking tao niyo, mga chismoso." nakangiting sabi ni Nyx kahit ang mga salita ay parang pinapagalitan dapat kami.
Lumapit si Ashriel sa coffee table, kinuha ang nakapatong roon at hinagis sa akin.
"The fuck is this?"
"Look at it. Bobo."
By Miss Lekha.
Entitled "My Soul Longs For You Still"
Sa bawat paglipat ko ng mga pahina nito ay nanghihina ako. I had to sit down to prevent myself from falling apart.
Her words. I know them better than anyone else.
And they're telling me... that there's no one else.
The words written in this book are telling me that she loves me still. And I love her just the same.
"Jiro..." my wife called for me. We're busy unpacking all of our stuff as we settle into our new home. Which we will fill with so many memories together.
Lumapit ako sa kaniya at umupo sa likuran niya para mayakap siya doon. "Yes?"
Nanginginig ang mga kamay niya na hawak ang polaroid na matagal ko nang nakalimutan. Oo nga, no? May ganito pala.
"You can throw it away..." sabi ko, nakapikit.
I was busy kissing the sides of her cheeks when, "This girl in the picture. This is me."
I froze before holding her by the shoulders as I analyzed both their faces.
What the hell. "It is you..." I confirmed to myself. If only I hadn't forgotten about this picture, I would have immediately noticed that this is her! I would have recognized her!
Hindi pa man ako nakakabawi sa gulat ay may binasag na siyang isa pang balita.
"And in nine months... there will be a mini version of you and me."
She was crying as she said that, hopeful for my reaction. Parang sasabog ang puso ko. Nagsimula nang mamuo ang mga luha sa mga mata ko habang siya ay todo ang ngiti.
"Are you really?" paninigurado ko. I have pranked her too many times and there is no telling whether she's just making fun of me right now! Pero tumango siya.
I stood up with her. Napatili siya dahil sa mabilisan kong pagbuhat sa kaniya sa mga braso ko.
She is my first love... and, "We're finally going to have our very own family, Jiro."
"A family that knows how to love..." I whispered. Pinagdikit ko ang mga ilong namin kaya dinampian niya ako ng mabilis na halik.
"And to stay." she whispered back.
I held my wife's hand, now softer and far from the calloused hands she used to have back then. I didn't mind them at all.
She smiled at me. The smile I loved and longed to see since the day I met her at the park. Today, she's no longer the lonely girl I met back then.
I am finally able to make her smile.
I put her hand closer as I placed a kiss on it.
These hands were the very hands that wrote hundreds of poems for me. And I vow, now and forever that her poems shall always be for me, and no longer about heartbreaks.
I will spend my every day showering her with so much love that it will reflect on her writings.
In her prose and poetry, etched are my promises of a lifetime... loving only her.