A/N: okay, babies. this one's gonna be a sad one. MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING for mentions of self-harm, attempted suicide, and depression. please read with caution and be safe. If at any time you feel you need help please stop reading and seek out someone that you trust. love you all. ❤️
Roses.
Katsuki often likes to pretend that he doesn't care much for them but he's always so easy for Shouto to read---eyes glittering and cheeks rosy at the very thought of a gesture as small as Shouto buying a couple dozen of them on his way home from work on a random Tuesday just because. He'd complain about them and fuss at Shouto for wasting his money on something so stupid but even still, he keeps them proudly displayed on on kitchen table until they wither and die away, reluctant to toss them into the trash. Still, Shouto loves to buy them for him. The look on Katsuki's face is always priceless.
He'd do anything to see him smile.
"I bought roses today." He says absently, the flowers bundled across his lap at the kitchen table. His gaze is far and unfocused, wandering about outside of the nearby roses. "They remind me of his eyes; how beautiful they are. Do you think...that he'll like them?"
He'd bought three dozen of them this time---it's Katsuki's birthday after all. Even though he doesn't like to make such a big deal out of his birthday he'd surely enjoy a gesture as small as this one, right? Shouto wonders if he anticipates them. If he would smile when he sees them.
"I'm sure that he would, Sho." Izuku assures him from where he's washing dishes. They're waiting for Eijirou so that they could all pay Katsuki a visit together. It wouldn't be right to go without him.
"Mm."
"...how are you feeling, Shouto?"
A shrug.
"I dunno." He admits, "I guess the best way to describe it...is that I feel really numb."
Izuku nods in understanding. He tries to choose his words carefully; he wants to avoid triggering Shouto as much as possible as this is quite a sensitive subject for him. It's always more difficult around the holidays, Katsuki's birthday included.
"I see. But you don't want to hurt yourself, right? You can tell me if you do; it's okay." The freckled teen keeps a gentle tone with him, soft-spoken and encouraging in case Shouto is having some violent thoughts that need to be addressed. They've made progress within the last year or so, finally unable to leave Shouto unsupervised with sharp objects in the house but Izuku doesn't want to chance a relapse.
"I...don't think so." Shouto replies after a long, drawn and heavy pause. "I'm...sad. I'm always sad. But I know that Katsuki would be disappointed in me if he knew I did something so horrible to myself. So I'm coping. I'm not okay. But I'm gonna make it."
It's not ideal, but it's an improvement. Izuku can take what he can get at this point.
"Thank you for being honest. If you start to feel volatile or violent...I need you to tell me or Ei as soon as you can. Can you do that for me?"
"I...think so, yeah."
"Good, good."
Izuku takes the dry cloth he'd used to wipe the counters with and tosses it aside to adjust his wedding ring, eyes flitting over to the spot where Shouto seems to be caught in his musing. The dark circles underneath his eyes are an obvious tell that he hasn't been sleeping which means that he probably hasn't been taking his meds. It's concerning, but asking him about it at this very second would probably do more harm than good. He'll just have to make sure he takes them tonight and personally hand him the correct dosage.
Eijirou is still a little nervous about allowing Shouto to keep the pills in his room after the the incident with the kitchen knife but the doctor said that taking all of Shouto's choices away may not be the best idea. They'll just have to keep a closer eye on him.
The vertical scars along Shouto's wrists are a very vivid and horrendous reminder of that.
"Sometimes it doesn't feel real."
A feeling that Izuku knows all too well.
"...I know, sweetheart. I'm sorry."
"Sometimes I don't feel real."
"And that's not your fault. You're still mourning, Shouto."
"I...feel like I shouldn't be. It's been three years after all."
Three long, agonizing years.
Everyone keeps telling him that things will get better with time but they haven't. He just feels himself become less human with every passing day. At what point are his wounds supposed to heal?
"There's no rush, Sho. No time period for grieving. One step at a time. And you can take as much time as you need. We'll still be here with you."
Shouto answers with a hum, leaning back in his chair to focus his weary gaze on the prickly flowers in his lap.
"Grieving such a funny thing, you know? I mean, one day you're thinking about them and all of the memories you made together and...it just makes you smile. Makes you happy. Then some days you see the smallest, most trivial thing that reminds you of them and then you're falling apart at the seams again. It's so unfair, like everything else in this godforsaken existence."
Izuku doesn't have a proper response for that---no encouraging words or reassurances.
Just sorrow swelling from deep within his chest.
Shouto finally looks up at him.
He looks so empty inside.
"I miss my baby."
Izuku swallows around the lump in his throat, jaw tight as he struggles to keep himself together.
"I know, Sho. Miss him too."
"Miss him so much. Wish I could be with him again. Do anything to be with him again."
"But you can't leave us yet, Sho." Izuku says with a defiant shake of his head. Shouto has to know that taking his own life isn't the way to see Katsuki again. They'd kept so much hope in the first year---searched high and low with optimistic determination that Katsuki was still alive.
But no matter how many of the League's hideouts they'd raided, they always came up empty handed.
They couldn't even find a body.
How do you declare someone dead without a fucking body?
"I...I've realized that I don't actually want to die. I just want the pain to stop. I want to live, Izuku. But it's so hard living without him. What do I do? Do I just keep living my life like this? I'm trying so hard to be happy again, I just---"
Izuku flings himself forward to wrap his arms around Shouto and hold him tight; he doesn't know what else to do. There's nothing more he can say---nothing to ease his frayed and frazzled nerves. He can't tell him that it's going to be okay, not only because he's uncertain of the future but because he knows that Shouto is tired. Tired of hearing meaningless reassurances. Tired of being given false hope. All that Izuku can do is stay by his side.
He hopes to hell it's enough.
#
Shouto doesn't talk. It seems a little ridiculous to be talking to a headstone when he knows that no one is there.
Still, there's a sort of comfort he gets from visiting every few months---he never misses a holiday and even comes on his own birthday as it's the only gift that's ever worth while for him. Izuku and Eijirou always come with. Kaminari and Mina try when they're able to stomach it. Shouto doesn't blame them for not wanting to put themselves through so much torture if it can be helped.
Sero and Jirou don't visit. Momo says that even just talking about it gets Kyouka devastatingly emotional so they don't try to force her.
Nobody's heard from Hitoshi in months.
Keigo, however, does come with Shouto from time to time and will bring the baby and Shouto's mother along with him on most days. Shouto's grateful for the company and for the support of his family.
Keigo had taken it harder than most people had expected he would. He'd been manic and hysterical, working days on end without sleeping or eating just turn over every stone that he could get his wings on in search for Katsuki. He was almost in as much denial as Shouto was and was eventually hospitalized after collapsing from exhaustion and starvation.
Enji forced him to take several months away from work to recover both mentally and physically.
Even still, Shouto can tell that Keigo's smile isn't quite as genuine and that looking at Shouto can sometimes be painful for him because it reminds him of Katsuki. He understands. He'd even told Keigo that he didn't have to force himself but Keigo insisted that he was fine and that because he cared for Shouto, he'd always be there for him. It had been nice for Rei and Keigo to become friends, especially after finding out that the baby was coming. Their family was much more melded these days.
He wishes that Katsuki was there to see it.
To be apart of it.
Instead, he settles for sitting at Katsuki's gravestone and reminiscing. It's a dangerous game---remembering the precious time they'd spent together---but for now, it would serve to make Shouto feel...
Well...anything.
"You been sleepin' okay, kiddo?"
Shouto shakes his head. He feels Keigo's fingers card through his hair. It's comforting, so Shouto allows him.
"Izuku tells me you haven't been taking your meds. Any reason why?"
Another shake of his head. Keigo sighs sharply, adjusting the baby on his hip. Akito, they'd named him.
Like Shouto had expected, he looked just like his father.
If you don't count the tiny little down feathers sprouting from his back.
"Okay. He's gonna give them to you when you get home. Will you take them for me, kiddo?"
"I...will take them."
"Thank you." Keigo leans down to press a kiss to Shouto's crown. "I just want to help you, that's all. I'm if it feels like we're forcing you---"
"No. It's better that you do force me. If you don't, then I won't be inclined to do what I need to do in order to recover properly. You're only doing what's best for me." Shouto assures him as he stands from his seat in front of the memorial. If he doesn't make himself leave, he'll sit there all day until he's managed to overthink himself into an episode.
His eyes trail down to look his younger brother in the eyes---he's still a bit surprised that Akito had been born with heterochromia as well. His PTSD gets the best of him most days, often seeing a reflection of himself within the young boy's eyes. He knows that his father has changed for the most part---that Akito isn't in any danger---but sometimes he gets anxious when he sees his father holding him.
No matter the cost, Akito will be raised much better than the rest of them were. Not just on survival. On love and compassion as well. If Shouto has to make is sole reason for living then he'll do so, if only to see to it that Akito is raised in a healthy home.
He reaches up to caress the baby's chubby cheek with his thumb and Akito giggles.
That, Shouto decides, is reason enough to keep on going.
He finds himself wondering what his and Katsuki's wedding would have been like. What new heights they'd have been able to reach in their careers together.
What it would be like for them to have had a family of their own.
There wasn't much he could do in terms of Katsuki's disappearance.
The hospital didn't have any footage of Katsuki leaving that day, only of Katsuki coming in for his appointment. He didn't have any proof, but Shouto was sure somehow that Sora was behind it.
Oddly enough, she'd disappeared that exact same day.
The most Enji could do was sue her father.
But Shouto wanted them all dead.
He'd tried that day in the courtroom during their trial---almost succeeded if Izuku hadn't been there to restrain him. He wasn't allowed to be present throughout the trial after that.
But if he ever sees Sora again, she will die.
Shouto was willing to risk his career as a hero for that.
"I should get going. I have a patrol shift tonight." He says, pulling his hand away from Akito's soft and pudgy cheeks. Keigo hums in understanding, turning to face the gravestone once more. "You go on ahead. I think I'll stay a bit longer."
"Are you sure? I don't want to have Ei and Izuku leave you here just to make you walk home with Aki."
Keigo smiles fondly, wordlessly pointing a finger towards wings on his back.
"Oh. Right. You can fly."
"Mhm. Better to take Aki flying while he's still young so that he can get used to it, too. I don't want him being afraid of his own quirk when the time comes, you know?"
"Mm. I think that's a good idea. Just be careful, please?"
"I wasn't number two for nothin', kiddo. I'll be fine. Promise."
Shouto has no other choice but to accept that. Keigo isn't weak or helpless. It's a struggle to remind himself sometimes.
He supposes he just doesn't want to lose anyone else.
"Could you text me when you make it home? Just so I know that you're safe."
"Of course. I'll even shoot you a text when I get ready to leave here. No worries, babe."
"Thank you."
He turns on his heels to head back to the car where Eijirou and Izuku have been waiting for about twenty minutes, having been much too overwhelmed to stay at the gravesite any longer. Shouto understands. He wouldn't judge them for leaving.
It's just too much sometimes.
He slides into the backseat silently, buckling his seatbelt as he hears Izuku's sniffling and soft sobs coupled with Eijirou's whispers of comfort. Their fingers are intertwined, golden rings glistening in the sunlight when Eijirou pulls them forward to press his lips against them. His own voice is wrecked, almost like he's been crying too. But Shouto gets it. They've been strong, holding everything together for Shouto's sake.
He wishes that they didn't sacrifice so much for him. They'd moved Shouto into their home shortly after they'd gotten married, terrified of leaving Shouto to his own devices. He agreed, mostly because he didn't trust himself either but also because it would put them at ease. Even so, they're so focused on him that they can't seem to focus on anything else in their lives. Progressing their hero careers. Planning to start a family. They'd even skipped their honeymoon for Shouto, even though Izuku insisted that it was because he wouldn't have felt right going on honeymoon when they were all still grieving.
He hates that they feel like they have to babysit him.
He also knows that he wouldn't be able to convince him otherwise.
"...I'm sorry for making you come here when it hurts so bad." He says quietly, just barely above a whisper. Izuku wipes his face, shaking his head even though he doesn't turn to look at Shouto. "You didn't make us come, Sho. We came because we wanted to, okay? It's like you said earlier. We're sad. But we're gonna make it." He assures him and Shouto can't argue that.
All that they can do is get by the best that they know how.
For their own sakes.
In memory of Katsuki.
A/N: I used to be in Shouto's shoes and, like I do for most of my writing, took my own experience to apply it to this story. If you guys are ever feeling helpless or hopeless and just need someone to tell you that it's okay---for someone to let you know that you are loved? I'm here. And I love you all. Please be safe and know that you are not alone!
P.S.- the story isn't over just yet!