Draco and I stepped into our usual compartment, being greeted immediately by Pansy and Blaise. I was very tired but the excitement of it all was keeping me awake and finally seeing my friends again after months of just Draco and the others was more than a relief. It was very warm for September still and I was sweating in my black robes, I daren't take them off though. Draco and I had been given a half an hour lecture on how no one can know what we are, I thought well duh obviously but they still found it necessary to treat us like we were children, which I suppose we were, but it was hard to feel like a kid when you're doing The Dark Lord's dirty work. Our school shirts were too light, and our mark was too dark it would show through as if we had nothing covering it at all, I was just going to have to suffer with this unbearable heat until it got cold again, and by the way Draco kept adjusting his tie and wiping his shining forehead I could tell he was having the same problem as I was. The train ride was weirdly comforting though, unlike the last one where I had been heading to what could only be described as the end of my life, I was now heading back home, where I could feel safe, well safer. However, I was no longer the same person as I was when I was last on this train, and life at Hogwarts could never truly be the same again, no matter how much I longed for it to be.
The train rolled into the station and all the fifth years grouped into their houses automatically as we got into the carriages to take us to the castle. I caught up with some other friends like Daphne, Crabbe and Theodore, they had all had great summers by the sounds of it but not even one of them asked me or Draco why we left so early. We arrived at the castle and went to the Great Hall for the first Grand Feast of the year. I couldn't help but think back to last year, when the Triwizard Tournament was first announced, a lump formed in my throat and tears pricked at my eyes. It was a lot, being back home. At the Manor I could just ignore what my life was like before, it was so much easier to just pretend like it wasn't real, or I was just making it out to be better than it actually was. But, actually being in the building, surrounded by my friends again, away from all the darkness it was hard not to want this to be what my life was actually like still. It was a constant reminder of how different my whole life was now, how dark it was, and how... wrong it was. I blinked away my tears and smiled at my friends who were now taking their seats, the Slytherin table was the one closest to the wall on the left of the hall, if you sat facing the wall the only house you could see was the Slytherins sat opposite you, I planned to sit there for obvious reasons but Crabbe slipped into the seat a second before I could, he laughed at me and pointed to the seat opposite him, I gave him a scowl and was about to walk away when Draco pushed him out of the seat from beside him, he gave me a knowingly smile, before scowling down at Crabbe who was scrambling to get back up as I sat down. I smiled back at him and Crabbe rolled his eyes before quickly walking around the table to sit opposite me. Dumbledore started speaking and it was the usual "Welcome back... blah blah blah... timetables will be given tomorrow at breakfast... blah blah blah... may the feast begin!' Magically, food appeared on the tables and everybody dug in straight away, It was the evening now as the train ride was painfully long so I hadn't eaten all day, I was starving and joined everybody as we ate and laughed, it was hard not to be happy here if you could just forget everything else, and even for me, sometimes... that was possible, if only momentarily.
Everybody had finished and the dirty plates had disappeared, Draco and Pansy wanted our dorm obviously, so I was kicked out for the night again, like nothing had changed. However, I noticed that Draco was hesitant at first, he was trying to find them somewhere else to go but since Blaise had already bagsied his dorm with Daphne, they didn't really have a choice, in their eyes anyway. I assumed he was hesitant because he didn't want me wondering the castle after curfew by myself, who knew who I might bump into. I said it was fine and they all left the Great Hall, I sat there for a bit trying to decide where my best bet was. The library? I doubted students would be studying already but I couldn't stay in there all night, Filtch and his scraggly cat would kick me out at curfew, so It wasn't really a good option. The Astronomy Tower? No, too risky I suppose, anybody could be up there clearing their head as I had always done, and I didn't want to see anybody tonight. I guess the best option was just to stay in the Slytherin common rooms, I didn't like doing this really, Draco and Pansy refused to use a silencing charm and the portraits creeped me out, they were just always watching, and after the fire went out it got pretty cold in there too. I sighed and stood up before leaving the Great Hall myself, I decided to take the long way around just to waste a bit of time. I was lost in my thoughts, looking at all the details of Hogwarts that I had missed so much when I turned a corner and bumped into someone. I stumbled over, and by the sounds of it so did they, I quickly looked around before I got up and it was pretty dark, but I could tell that somehow, I had ended up outside of the kitchens. I gulped and stood up not saying anything, I was about to apologise when whoever I had bumped into stood up too. I couldn't believe it, of all the students, in all of the years, in all of the houses, well I suppose not all of the houses I was outside of the Hufflepuff common room; I had come face to face with him. I had only been here hours for Merlin's sake, I panicked, and I felt sick, seeing him was like a punch to my stomach, I wanted to crawl into a ball and just melt into the floor. I wanted to crawl into his arms and just melt into his embrace, I corrected myself.
No. I immediately turned around and headed in the direction I had just come from, I quickly walked away praying that he wouldn't say anything when to my dismay, or my delight? No, my dismay he spoke. "Angel, uh I mean Parisa wait, we, I need to talk to you, please." The tears returned, I couldn't, I could not turn around, I could not look at him, I knew the look he would have on his face right now, the same one as when I left, I did not need to see him at all. I did not need to see Cedric Diggory looking at me like I was the most important person in his life. I ignored him, not even looking back, and turned the corner running towards the dungeons. When I arrived outside the common room, tears had started to stream down my face as a sob threatened to break from my throat. I forced it back just managing to get out the password before walking into the common room and collapsing onto the emerald sofa.
I had hoped, at the end of my last year before I left. Cedric and I's conversation had given me hope, that even after everything happened, we could still be together, he would accept me, and he would comfort me. But now I actually had the mark and I was actually living its consequences, I realized that it wasn't fair on Cedric for me to plague his happy world with my dark, evil one. He was the purest, kindest, dearest person I had ever met, and he deserved to be with someone just as good as him, not me. I was bad for him, I was bad for everybody, I couldn't bare myself to put him in danger, I didn't want him to hate me, I just wanted him to move on and leave me alone. I wanted to be with him though of course, Cedric Diggory was possibly the best thing to ever happen to me, but the timing was all wrong, I was all wrong, it just didn't make sense. I wished I could be good, Merlin I loathed my parents for making me bad, I loathed myself for letting them. I should have just run away, I could have gone to the Diggory's, I could have refused to go home, I could have told somebody. Everybody knew that Voldemort was only scared of one person, and with him around everybody in the castle he reined over was safe, Dumbledore could have been my way out. It was too late now; he wouldn't understand why I was only telling him now I was a Death Eater; he'd think I was trying to get information or something. Nobody trusted a Death Eater, and in good reason, I had met plenty now, more than I'd ever wanted to meet, and all of them were just as bad as each other. It was too late; it was too late for me and Cedric and it was too late for me in general. I hated myself, I just wanted it all to end, to be over, I just wanted to be good, but I couldn't. I had to avoid Cedric, if I avoided him for long enough, he would just move on and I could just protect him from afar, I had to protect him. It was the only good thing I could do; it was the least I could do for Cedric.
I knew I wasn't going to sleep tonight; my head was swimming and I felt like I was thinking a million things at once. I was feeling so many things all at once it was overwhelming, I was angry; at myself for standing so idly by and not doing anything. I was upset; that my parents were so controlling, and I had to hurt the person I loved just to protect them. I was exhausted; from always having to keep up to their standards and to keep them happy, but now having to keep up my reputation as the pureblood supremest along with all the others. I was in pain; I was so unhappy, that was the best way to put it. Not only did my arm always feel slightly uncomfortably warm, I was still dreading when it would burst into flames again. But I was also emotionally in pain, I just wanted Cedric, but I couldn't have him. I didn't know if I regretted our two months together or not. On one hand, it would have been so much easier now if I just hadn't admitted anything to him, if I just stayed away from him like I was expected to, like I was told to. But on the other hand, they were probably the best two months of my life and I couldn't believe I actually got to spend them with Cedric - he was so kind and caring and I really did love him, even if we only spent two months together I was in love with him, it was hard not to be. The one good thing in my life and I couldn't have him. I suppose I deserved it didn't I? To be unhappy, I was quite literally going to hell. The last embers of the fire died down and I was left in darkness, with only the moonlight shining through the small windows lighting up the cosy green room. Pansy and Draco had seemed to have stopped their activities as the Slytherin chambers fell silent. It was quite peaceful, but something felt wrong, like the tempest before the storm, I knew something bad was coming - the vanishing cabinet being my main clue, I'd actually forgotten about our given task until now. What did Voldemort want with the vanishing cabinet? What or who did he want to sneak into Hogwarts? I feared the answer; all I could do was guess but I didn't think he wanted to sneak them in to join the common room parties Slytherin was so known for. I could only imagine the dark and twisted things that he had planned.
authors note: sorry this is a bunch of waffle I'm trying to make it longer by just adding her trail of thoughts more, sorry I haven't updated in FOREVER I am writing lots of chapters over the next two days. I'm not going to make any promises of when this will be finished by because I am hopeless at sticking to deadlines! Sorry for the long bloody wait my loves - please vote! And comment any suggestions/ questions you have or just general things!