KIM BONA
"Jiyong, Bona, open the door!"
I heavily let my eyes fly open, rubbing them and blink rapidly. We just got back home to take a full rest from the hospital just three hours ago. And there's someone banging our door at 6 a.m. as if his house is being burned.
"Who the fuck is that?" GD moans, perking his head up from my chest.
"Jiyong, open the goddamn door!!"
After this familiar voice becomes clear into our ears, me and GD immediately turn to look at each other and then say, "T.O.P / Hyung?"
"Jiyong, Bona. Open the door. He's killing me now."
Again, we stare at the door and say in one time, "Youngbae?" I turn to exchange GD a look, he confusingly blinks for a second and then shrugs his shoulder.
Then the door is banged again, louder. "I know you woke up. Get your ass out of your bed and talk to me. I knew about Bona, jerk," shouts T.O.P's voice through the door.
"What?" I say as GD begins to be realistically amazed.
"Sh—shit." After taking a few moments to realize what the heck happens outside, GD jumps out from the bed to answer the door swiftly.
I slowly get myself up and walk behind him. GD gets the door open, and I see the hall outside our bedroom is fully occupied by four of the boys. Anyway, when the door swings open fully, the smell of male colognes starts hitting my nose.
Though three of the boys do look quite fine, but T.O.P, who standing in the middle, is obviously exceptional. He looks...well, angry. I begin wondering—-Did he already know?
"H—hey," GD nervously greets him.
"Don't you greet me like that. How could you got my one and only sister pregnant?"
I gasp. The four boys seem not much surprised as if they already know. I'm in shock before turn to GD. "You told him?"
He suspiciously stutters, "I...I didn't. I really didn't."
"Really?" T.O.P sarcastically says and then gestures us towards Seungri who stands behind him. "And why did he even know before I do?"
"What?" I gasp again, gripping GD's arm, and start to complain him, "You really didn't tell anyone?"
His jaw drops unconsciously. He looks at me unspeakably, soooooo suspicious. I raise an eyebrow, putting my hands on my hips, and force him a death glare.
Then he eventually confesses, "Okay, okay. I told Youngbae last night. I couldn't help it. I was too excited to have a baby with you. I had to text someone to know. But I swear, Dais. I only told him," he spits, reaching towards Youngbae as if he's absolutely trying to get help from him.
"But we agreed to tell them later after we told my mom!" I can't believe he broke the promise that we just made few hours ago.
"I..I.." He looks at me, unable to even make any word but mumbles. Then, he begins to blame his fault on his friend. "Why are you complaining only me? You should complain Youngbae, too. He spreads the news."
I gaze at him with a you-dead look for a moment before turn to Youngbae who leans against one side of the doorframe. When his eyes meet mine, he obviously turns down his guard into nervousness.
"I..I.." He begins to be unspeakable like GD again. I fold my arms against my chest, raising my eyebrows. Later on, he pulls over Daesong's neck who stands behind in silence for a little while, and drags him to me. "Reproach him. I didn't know he was coming behind me when I accidentally spoke Jiyong's message that you're pregnant."
And I lean the death glare on Daesong. And it's like they all are silently imitating themselves. He suspiciously finches and tears Youngbae's arms off of him as if he's trying to look more innocent as strongly as he can. But apparently, he doesn't even look having less guilty.
"I swear, Bona. I was not trying to sneak him. It was accident. I didn't even tell anyone," he protests and then pulls Seungri to me. "Seungri heard we talking about you while we were drinking together last night. He's the one who went upstairs and told T.O.P hyung."
"Yah! Why do you make me look like such a bastard?" Seungri groans before turn to me, begging, "Do not misunderstand me, Bona. I did not mean to tell him. I thought he already knew. Isn't it just a prank from Hyung?" He seems innocent, turning to his brothers to get help.
These guys! Doing such a fanning the flames.
No..no. These kids! They're not grown-ups yet. If they were, they would have controlled their mouths shut. We do know this phase of me and GD have to be like a compromise when it comes to my relatives. Me being pregnant is the delicate thing that I'm still out of mind and unable to start letting everyone know without freaking them out.
"Ugh, you guys." I roll my eyes, throwing hands in the air. I'm not ready to argue anyone or anything yet. I'm still exhausted. And besides these whole not ready thing, I am carrying a baby, dear you guys. Me and my baby need to take a good rest after the cruel nights came through.
"Hyung, don't freak out," GD says, beginning to compromise him in Korean that I guess he says, "...she's so tired. Vddhdafghhgefhedfhhgs...I love her so much. Brssfhxvbthndgghgffvh...and I'm surely taking care of her and bfddfghht (he raises at my stomach.) bfdghjhgdgjgfddbbffbhsshjyt."
T.O.P is still furious and doesn't seem to throw in the towel for leaving us go easily. He turns to me, complaining, "Why did you let yourself pregnant with this jerk?"
"Hyung!!" GD exclaims.
"So it's true that Bona's pregnant?" Seungri begins to be realistically upset that I don't know why he does. "I thought it was a prank. You—you're still kidding, right? Someone please tell me it's just a prank." He formally looks out of his mind and turns a bit blue, I can tell.
Five of us watch his hyperactive overreacting miserably, reckoning how he is going to catch us already without correcting him.
"Anyway." T.O.P goes back to us again and continues. "Jiyong, you promised me you won't step over the line. I knew you hate wearing condoms, but Bona isn't like your pot-of-list-flings who can control their birth."
"A pot of list flings?" I repeat.
"Hyung! bgfsdffgjfssgdsfgg you fucking tell her for what?"
"Ooh, now you're talking," I snicker towards T.O.P with a simple tone then cross my arms and gaze GD thoughtfully.
"You already got me, jerk." T.O.P smirks. His mood obviously lights up. In contrast, mine dials low. Seriously, a pot of list flings? "Bona, you wanna know how many girls he has hooked up with?"
GD is completely sweaty, so out of the blue. He looks at me and to T.O.P, and then back to the rest of boys, trying to look for someone to help. But apparently, none of us could help him, not even me.
"You're such an evil!" he exclaims then shuts the door in their faces in front of us.
"Open the goddamn door, jerk. I'm not finished talking with her," T.O.P shouts, keeps banging the door.
"Talk later," GD shouts back. "I have an appointment today. You watch her, though."
Then, he turns to me, terrified as if he's seeing a ghost.
"Seriously?" I gaze at him fiendishly. "How many girls did that you sleep with before me?" My blood runs into my vein which I have no idea whether it's because of my anger or pregnancy hormone things.
"...Dais. C'mon. Don't listen to him." He holds my two wrists, begging.
I jerk away and raise my two palms in front of him. "There were two hands amount?"
He's stunned. "Why do you have to count? It's absurd."
"It was much more than ten!?"
"Even four hands can't count, Bona!" T.O.P yells through the door.
GD rolls his eyes, shouting back, "Geez, you're really still out there? Yah!! Get out of my apartment." And he pulls me into the closet room to be out of earshot from the guys outside.
I'm so across with him, upset and paranoid, to be honest.
"Dais. It doesn't matter how I was or whom I was with. Now, I'm with you. And you do know there's no one I laid eyes on anymore but you."
I know...but, "It's not unfair for me."
He's curiously stunned. "How?"
I elaborate, my stomach twists up like my throat. "It's so unfair. You'd got a bunch of girls before me. And I gave you my virginity. Unbelievable!"
"Huh?" He is absolutely in shock, blinking thoughtfully. Until two seconds after being stunned, his smile slowly grows wide on his face. "You..you gave me you virginity? You hadn't slept anyone before?"
Suddenly, I cover my mouth since my intestines seem rocking inside my stomach. I did not just slip out, and begin to make shocked reaction. But I think I'm going to throw up.
"Is that true? I am your first?" He smiles, trying to tear my hand out of my mouth, his tone changes softer. He ecstatically mumbles with a small chuckle, "Dais, are you really an American?"
There's not every American girls loses their virginity in young age. Sometimes, they might save it for the right guy at the right time, even though they are twenties.
I want to shout this back into his face so badly, but I really can't. I need to run to the toilet, right freaking away.
"....get..out of my way. Eet out," I mumble from being underneath my mouth, pushing him away and run to the bathroom.
"C'mon, Dais. Tell me more. Don't be shy. I am really your first?" He happily walks behind me. I am not shy!! I need to puck. I swiftly lift the toilet seat up and then...
"Don't be shy, my girl....Uh-oh..wow." His footstep immediately stops behind me. His body almost bumps to my butts.
GD shockingly gasps while seeing me pucking into the toilet from behind. I'm gripping the seat up and got my face stuck with it.
"Ooh. Looks the souvenir I just gave you back from your virginity," he proudly exclaims from behind with his small laugh. I still grip the seat, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. Then I look at him over my shoulder with a death-warning glare that I also put a little meaningful which tells 'if you still blah blah, I'll give you the goddamn souvenir, too.'
"Okay. Okay. I stop." He holds his hands up as a surrender before stepping towards and helps me by patting my back.
KWON JIYONG
"Who is it?"
"It's Jiyong," I reply to her office's door.
There's a silence from her for a few seconds before she agrees to let me in. So I get inside, greeting her appropriately.
"Annyeonghaseyo, Judy noona."
"Ooh. Looks who's here," Judy snickers, sitting on the leather giant chair behind her desk. I normally haven't gone her office that much. But every time I come here, I constantly got a feeling like 'her lifestyle is such a bitch.'. (Do not tell this to Daisies, though.) Then she gestures me to a chair across the desk, putting her elbows on it and rests her chin on the back of her two hands.
"Well, well, well. What takes G-DRAGON come to see me a lot lately. Hmm, let me guess. Neither come to talk about my beloved daughter...or talk about our super secret," she casually says, whispering at the mid sentence sarcastically as grinning so bitchly.
"Gotta be both of them." I cooly give her a small chuckle as sitting on a small chair opposite her which it seems so dwarf comparing to her elegant one. "Actually, I'd like to invite you for a dinner, talking about our stuff with Bona. And you know, I'm here early to set a script for you, too. So we could keep playing along properly."
"Oooh. That sounds interesting. A dinner and script. I like getting scripts. You know, I'm good at acting like you are," she teases, sharing fake smiles with me.
"Sure we are. I want everything goes peacefully like nothing ever happened. You play your own role, I play numb. No one ever knows, especially your beloved daughter. Letting her feel less disappointed in her mom," I say and make myself a little cool vibe—leaning fully against the back of the chair, crossing legs, resting an elbow on a thin arm of the chair and biting my fingertips playfully.
"You seem head over heels for my daughter so that you've kept playing a numb guy for her and everyone for over a month. I such appreciate how faithful of love in you. And I am so sorry for you that she kissing her ex on your first Valentines's day. You know how hot she is. She's got a lot from her mom," she reminds me with a small laugh, still laying her chin on her hands as if none of this conversation needs to be worried.
"Let's wash your hands of your daughter. I'll take care of her and I'll keep pretending blind for you like I never ever know anything." I ignore her mean-fake apology and seriously begin with the topic that I came here for. Then, I continue, "You go drug or marijuana dealing things under my firm. You do what the heck you're doing. I am not going to tell anyone or even my band. I promise as long as you let me take care of her in here."
"Oh, God. What a sweet-lover boy. I really do love how my daughter makes such a great license for me to do anything I want, despite the fact that she knows nothing," she says with a fake smirk.
Yeah, and you're the one who uses your own daughter like she were really such a license card. And I am the one who permits her doing this without any damn doubt, even though there would be more tough if I keep playing this.
I know I should do it right. But if this choice is making my girls safe and sound, I'll willingly to do it.
"I can tell, your option sounds so great, though. But have you known that she's leaving this week? I just sent her a ticket, and I heard she's staying in a hotel, too. Do you know that she's going back to catch her dream career? I washed my hands of her already since I realize how much of responsibilities I have to take care a young teenager. Are you really going to get your hands dirty by pulling her back again?" She leans her face closer—oh, no. It's that's the fakest poker face I ever see is putting on her.
Ugh. What a mother.
Has she ever known that her daughter almost got raped by her fucking ex? What the actual responsibilities she has done as a mother, though?
As the matter of fact, I've barely seen her doing such responsibly for being a mom. I so fucking want to spit this fact so badly, but I have to be patient. There's not too much choices to make a good decision.
"I won't be stained, Judy noona. She's clean...maybe more clean than her mom, though," I snap. And the way her jaw jiggles a bit makes me feel less annoyed for this miserable conversation.
She gazes me thoughtfully, settling her back in her seat, her mood lows up obviously. "Honestly, I wonder why you never let my daughter come back where she was already. You see how screwed up she has done in here and especially for you. Is there any more than your fondness so that you settle down everything to have her?"
I chuckle. "Sure thing, Judy noona...I love her." And she sarcastically exhales like I expected. Then, I add. "I know it does sound so absurd for you. But I, too, have one more reason about what I'm doing this for."
She doesn't say anything, but swings hand around for me. She begins to look annoyed of me, but no longer she will be after I say this mid sentence,
"It's because I got your daughter pregnant."
KIM BONA
GD has gone out alone for no reason since this morning after I threw up in front of him. I kept asking him where he was going, and he also kept rejecting to inform me the right answer. It's so annoying. Does he try to abandon me and run away? I don't know what drives me nuts. But I'll play the pregnancy card for the very first time by blaming on the hormones.
Anyway, the father of my child finally gave a sign that he isn't abandoning me for now by calling me half an hour ago to meet him at some Japan restaurant that he told me that he told my driver already. So, I am here (early) before him. Well, actually he's late for eight minutes. So he actually abandons me? I don't know. I don't know. Being pregnant is giving blue by overthinking and...keeping pee and throw up. I slightly begin to get tired of this. GD should appear by now before I went too nuts. Especially, when I am here alone in this lord-knows-how-expensive-this place.
This is the actually private restaurant which I have never been here. But I think it'd rather provide for the exclusive people or businessman. You know, it's totally private and makes the price surpasses the ceiling as I'm searching the menu book. There're sort of five rooms for each table, opening just five hours per day for actually. And just so you know, it particularly needs an early, early, early reservation before you get your ass down here. So, have you guys at least imagine how expensive this is, yet?
"Ugh, I need to pee again." I smack the table and about to get up. Then, I heard GD's voice is dialing up alongside the hallway.
I think he's...groaning from being pained.
"Yak. Aaaah. You're hurting me."
I watch the shadow of him reflecting outside through the paper door, hearing his voice is getting clearer. Suddenly, I get the feeling that he doesn't come alone. There're him and someone...tweaking his ear? Their shadow are reflected as if I'm in shades of shadow mini theater. I stay still and wait until they finally open the door. And I officially begin in shock. Why on earth is he coming with my mom?
"I'm hurt. I'm hurt. Please let me go, Noona." GD is raising his hands beside his two ears, bending down from being hurtful as his ear is actually being tweaked by my mom.
"Let the world know you'll be dead because of me doing this, huh." My mom is pulling GD inside before sliding the door close—well...actually she's pulling his ear, though. GD's face turns red, especially his ear. He moans painfully.
I jump up and separate them two immediately. "Oh, my God. Mom, what are you doing to him? Get off of him!"
Mom doesn't even stop tweaking him, but does harder and pushes me away. "Do not defend him. You're gonna get this, too. How come you let yourself pregnant, especially with this jerk!?"
"Huh?" I suddenly stop separate them, stunned.
"Jerk? Why does everyone keep calling me that? It's not that I won't be responsible...yaaaah! Stop. Stop. I'm hurt!" GD groans as louder as being tweaked harder, trying to tear my mom's hand off of his red ear.
"You told mom before I do!?" This round is me who dials the voice up.
He rolls his eyes, exhaling. "Can we talk about this later? I can't feel my ear now. Get your goddamn mom off of me first."
"Goddamn mom!?" Mom's shocked and tweaks him harder. And I wonder whether someone's ear ever can be ripped by being pulled. Because if it ever has had this case, I'd let this one be. How could he tell my mom about this before I do?
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, gorgeous mom I ever see...Dais help me!"
I thoughtfully watch him moaning in pain for a while, wondering whether I should help. I'm a little bit mad at him for spreading the news within less than 24 hours. I frustratedly exhale and then force myself to help him get survived from my mom.
"Mom, leave him alone. Please talk peacefully. There might be someone listening out there." I shove in the middle between them two, turning to my mom. It's not making her less angry, but it particularly helps her stop hurting GD and throws her purse on the table and flops herself down on the seat with a long deep sigh coming out later.
She gazes at me and GD as if she could kill us in any minute now. I tap GD's stomach with my elbow as a gesture and eye him to the seat. He nods understandingly and does what I told while he's still touching his ear. Mom never looks away from us, but stares at me huntingly. I act my cool, gently sitting down next to GD, opposite from her seat.
"So, what you're gonna do now, Kim?" Mom begins, controlling her breath obviously. "Your career awaits. Your life is somewhere else far from here. Do you know being mom in young age is not that easy?"
"I'm 23, Mom. I'm old enough to take responsibility for what I've done. I could pause my career and live here," I honestly tell her.
I could sense GD is looking at me, and then he elaborates, "Like I told you, Noona. I'm not abandoning her and my baby. I'll negotiate with my team and CEO. If there'd be nothing wrong, I'd announce the world officially about this by myself." His tone sounds firm and meaningful. I squint at him for a bit. And he's looking at my mom, his hand touching my leg underneath the table.
"I do know that point. I'd be hunting you down, if you're really not taking responsibility of her." Mom glances at him briefly, then she turns to me directly with a serious look. "What about your future, Kim? You're still young and there's a lot that waiting for you to catch up on. I'm saying this because I've been there before. I was carrying you so early; around your age. You know, you have to give up everything for a new life that growing inside you. Seriously, are you really going to do this?"
I'm almost speechless, but at least I mentally try my best to think appropriately. She's right, I can tell. However, there is no any more choice. "It happened. I can't go back and fix it. I did this to myself. I'm really going to do this."
" 'we' are going to do this," GD corrects me, looking at her, still gripping my leg. "She didn't do this alone. I did, too. We were reckless, not thinking thoroughly. And I am genuinely so sorry, Noona. We do know that we made mistake. But for me, I don't think it's the mistake. I think it's what God gives me a present. I know you've been abandoned before, and you're afraid that she's going to be like you. But I promise you right here, right now...I'd take care of everything and I will not leave her alone. And about her career...she's not giving up for sure because I won't let it be. After she gave birth, I'd be fully supporting her dream. I'll be respectful for whatever she decides."
...wow.
He answers for me as if I don't have to explain anything anymore.
I forget to look how my mom reacts for this for a while, having no idea how long I look away from her and pay attention to GD. He's obviously firm into his words. And we've begun gripping hands over my lap, and I also don't know when we actually began since he squeezed my leg at first.
Then he squints at me and directs me a signal like it's my turn for this dialogue. Oh, right. I almost lost into him.
"Y..yeah, likewise. I am not doing this alone, don't worry," I stutter. "I don't want to be back in America, yet. Actually, I want to stay here with him as long as we decide. We'd like to live together as a family in here because this is where he's having an actual career. I want to support him right now, too And you know it doesn't mean that I actually pause my dream while I'm here. I could have a job that I'm fond of in your firm like I was doing. And perhaps, after my baby was born...I'd surely be wanting to stay here, too. I don't want my baby being separated with his father. I know it sounds weird. It's surely going to tough for relocating into this city. Maybe giving up my career in America would be easier, but I think I could do that. My dream doesn't have to be a singer. My dream is having happiness for what I do, and having family with him is the best happiness I'd rather desire." I pause, looking at GD. "And the fact...I'd love to see him pursuing dream for me instead that I do by myself."
He and I share a small grin, tightening our hands. I think we just spoke what our minds said.
"So when are you going to marry?"
The way Mom attacks with her question so simply makes me and GD caught off guards unexpectedly.
"H...Huh?" GD and I almost say at once.
"You're having a kid together. And you're wearing a ring." Mom cooly points at my ring finger which I just realize that I just switched it into the right finger.
"Ac...actually," GD stumbles. He's stunned like I am. "It's not actually an engaged ring, Noona. But it's not that we aren't getting married. You know, I uhh...how should I explain?" He turns to me for help, rubbing the back of his neck difficultly.
I don't know how to explain, either! I direct him with my eyesight, hopefully he would sense it. But he shrugs helplessly, showing me that he officially ran out of good words already.
Mom clears her throat a bit loudly as a sign. I scold GD though my eyes before turning to her again.
"We're not going to marry this soon, Mom. I..uh...don't want to be bumped as wearing a wedding dress. And just so you know, him marrying right now wouldn't be such a great idea for him or his band or even your firm, too. Even though we might announce that we're having kid, but marriage isn't going to help anything better. We're still fine not marry yet just now."
"Yeah, yeah. Absolutely! That's all what I meant," GD immediately insists, separating my hand to mope his sweat from his eyes, I adore.
She sarcastically smirks towards GD. By the way, this is the first time I ever see her showing her not-liking-GD look. I normally see how gentle she constantly treats her guys.
"Where're you going to raise your child when she gave birth?" Mom starts. GD and I turn to look at each other with a literally blank look. Mom rushes with her coolest tone, "Be quick."
"Uh..." GD stutters. Mom knocks on the table rhythmically as waiting. GD quickly spits, "We'll decide later. But right now, we prefer living in my apartment at the penthouse. But when the baby comes, we'll seek for a new place to be alone for sure."
I can see GD is wiping his sweat away around his forehead again. Genuinely want to laugh, though.
Mom simply nods then continues her Davinci game, "What is the child' sex?"
"We don't know yet, Mom. But I'll go down to ultrasound later next week," I tell her as the truth.
"How many months have you been pregnant?"
"Uhh...eight weeks and 6 days," I murmur, looking at GD.
"3 months?" GD questioningly reckons.
"No, it's around nine weeks," I correct him.
Mom tightens her tone. "How many 'months'?"
I mumble, "2 months and a week...I think." Do I have to count today as the beginning of seventh weeks, or today is still the sixth day? Did I count right? Eight weeks is two month, right?
"Have you named the child, yet?"
"Wh—what?" Is she really serious? I don't even know the sex of the baby, yet.
I try to think fast. Any name that I might be naming my first child. What the heck am I supposed to name her or him?
"Gina." I think I just heard GD said. I turn to him and he continues, "If it's a girl, I'll name her Gina."
I secretly mouth him 'what?'. But he doesn't even look or squint at me. He's looking at my mom.
"Why Gina?" Mom asks. This is the very first time of today that I agree with her.
GD is suspicious a little bit, but then he clears his throat and elaborates, "Because my name is G-DRAGON from Jiyong. And her Korea name is Bona. So it'd be like G and Na...Gina...Kwon Gina."
Kwon Gina? It doesn't sound that bad, though.
"Good," Mom simply replies, crossing her arms against her chest cooly. "That can be an English name, too."
"Sure thing," GD accepts with a small grin, and mine is slightly stretching unconsciously.
"What about a nanny? Have you sought one?"
Okay, okay. This lady has to chill out. I've just filled in that I'm pregnant for less than 24 hours. Do I have to have the particular answers for every being-mother things?
"Mom." I begin to reassure her, but GD reaches over to my lab as a gesture.
"Of course we have. We've got Ahjumma. She's my incredible made who's living with me, too. She's the best with babies," he says.
Then, I add, "Actually, I'm going to raise my baby by myself."
"You are?" Mom raises her eyebrows like she never believes in me. She seems not even to have faithful in me. I slightly feel being set off. Why do I cannot raise my own baby, though? Then, she elaborates, "You're just 23. Too young to raise one little life."
"Why'd you think like that?"
I didn't say, though. It's him.
He looks a bit serious than I do. "Every mom can raise their own babies by themselves. It doesn't have to depend on how old they are. I think when the baby comes, there's a maternal instinct laces through moms too. And I can tell, she's going to be an excellent mom for sure. Maybe she cares her own unborn baby much more than other moms that I ever know." He looks firm into his words, and I am grateful for that. But the way he tightens his mid sentence obviously makes my mom drop her shoulders a centimeter. I tap his arm with my elbow, and he makes a sorry but I really can't help gesture to me.
Then she sarcastically exhales and asks me. "You sure you chose the right person for your first child?"
"I am so sure. And even if I have to choose again, I'd still choose him...It's gotta be him," I honestly say, not looking at GD.
I'm kind of shy saying this. You know how harsh I am. Making words of something like this isn't really my thing. "So please let me stay here. I really require your respect for this, and I know you're gonna do this sincerely," I say with the softest tone. I never ever thought that I could hold my temper for this longest. When it comes to Mom and me, I never pulled my temper down as talking with her. This is the first time I ever notice myself turning over a new leaf recently. It's because I constantly eat my pills...or it's because of him?
"Exactly," GD agrees and also adds more his meaningful words, "I'm really ready to have a family with your daughter, Judy noona. Please give me your daughter for the rest of my life."
To be honest, he already assures me that I didn't really make a slip for being gotten pregnant. We did this together so heartily and willingly, and we are absolutely not afraid to encounter what it comes next as long as we're still together.
* * *
A week later.
In a Korean hospital.
"So, this is your little baby. A tiny black one on the screen." An exclusive doctor points at a small screen that pops up from the ultrasound machine, showing us the inside of my vagina live. I hardly lift myself up to stare at the screen. Seriously, I see nothing.
"Wooow. So beautiful," GD excitedly exclaims, never looks away from the screen. I shockingly turn to him who sits beside me on the examination bed.
Is he serious? How can he see our baby and I even can't? All I see in this live screen of my vagina is just a stupid black hole with a little gleam.
"Oh, oh. I think she or he is moving, Dais. Look!" Whaat? He's ecstatically pointing at the black hole live screen and moaning impressively. I still see nothing. I try to gaze and gaze at the tip of his finger to see my baby.
But...none of the thing that I could see!
"Where is it?" I ask, sitting up on the examination bed to look at the screen closely.
"There it is." An assistant, who stands behind the doctor, points at the screen with her pen. Is there everyone can see my baby except the mother like me?
"So cool, Dais. He or she is so tiny." GD turns to me with his wide smile on his face and squeezes my shoulder softly.
I give him a feeble smile back.
Come on, my little Daisy. Let me see you! I freaking want to meet you through this goddamn ultrasound so badly. I even want to be the first one who notices you, despite the fact that everyone in this room can see you at first sight except me—the worst mom ever!
"I see nothing, Oppa. I can't see it," I confess. I think I'm about to cry for not being able to see it.
GD looks at me in shock a little bit, and then he laughs. "Why not? Here...look at what I'm pointing. This is her or him." I try and try and try and try to gaze it again. But honestly, where the fuck is it?
Seems everybody can read my problem through my face. The doctor and assistant begin to illustrate me as if it was like looking at the photo hunt that they all could even see within only two seconds, but I could do within two hours later.
"Where is it? I think it's gone. Why can't I see my own baby?" I slip a tear down to my cheek. Seriously, I'm angry than upset. It begins annoying.
"Here is it. Like a bean in the middle." The doctor zooms it wider. And everybody instinctively looks away from the baby ultrasound and stares at me instead. They're all too expecting me. This is me trying!
"What a pressure," I murmur and sigh, dropping myself down against the bed. "I can't. I really can't."
Three of the professionist-of-looking-the-babies burst out laughing. It doesn't sound funny for me at all. It's humiliating. I am a terrible mother who unable to see my own baby, that's all I know!
"Sit up, babe." GD gently holds my shoulders and pulls me up to look at the asswipe screen. He chuckles a bit while keeps illustrating about our baby. "Look at the middle, almost the left side. That's ours. That's she or he."
"Can you stop preferring it as she or he? It's it. We don't even know the sex," I annoyingly say, gazing at the black hole again. Well...I think I could...
"Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Is that..." I begin to recognize the super extremely tiny bean on the screen.
"I don't want to refer my baby as it. Asian doesn't prefer calling lives like that. It doesn't sound good."
"Honestly, as I reckon from the record of the high hCG of your sample blood," the doctor implies, looking at the document papers. What the heck is hCG, anyway? Then, she adds, "It's highly possible to be a female."
"You mean we have a baby girl?" I hear GD excitedly asks her; in the meantime, I think I...
"I see it now. I can see it. I'm seeing her! That's her, my girl," I scream, forgetting the world for a while. My heart is racing. I put my hand on my mouth, more tears come. GD tightens his warm embrace as we're looking our baby girl—our Gina. Then I sense he looks at me before planting a small kiss on my hair. "Why is she so tiny like that? Can you draw a circle on the screen, please? I'm afraid I'd be lost her again," I honestly beg.
She's the smallest, beautifulest human that I've ever seen. Then, they all laugh to my not funny fact again. But I ignore, my eyes are on Gina. I can't look away from her. It feels like if I blink or squint, she'd be lost in my eyes again.
"Don't worry. You'll have ultrasound images of her to go," the doctor says and then adds, "By the way, she's quite tiny than usuals. I suggest you to eat more, especially healthy. Eat pills that I'm sorting for you precisely, and come to see me every two weeks. Don't forget that you have to be more careful than others."
"Absolutely, doctor," I tell her, not even looking at her. "She's so so so tiny like a chocolate chip on the cookie that I just ate this morning." And they all laugh. Are they really the easily amusable? I wasn't joking!
* * *
"You guys, check this out!" I almost throw my purse away as soon as I step inside GD's apartment and spot the boys are having dinner in the kitchen. I excitedly reach them the ultrasound image.
"Aww. I can't believe this day actually comes," Daesong says, staring at the image with stars in his eyes.
"Let me see it." T.O.P drops a glass of wine in his hand and snaps it from Daesong to look at it closely. And the rest of the boys immediately get up from their chairs and gather themselves behind him. In the meanwhile, GD walks along in the room and picks a piece of pancake from someone's plate and shoves it into his mouth before claiming an empty seat himself.
"What? What? Is that your ultrasound picture?" I turn around, and there's Ahjumma look over from behind the counter bar doing the dishes.
"Yes, Ahjumma. Come and look at it," I enthusiastically tell her, and she half-walks, half-runs to the boys to check out the image.
Oh, by the way, have I mentioned how influential she is of this era, yet? To be honest, she was the first one whom I talked to about how strange of my period and health thing, and she mentioned that I might be pregnant. I didn't believe her at first and blamed on my messy hormones. Then, she bought me the pregnant test which I ignored to get test and kept it in my wardrobe. So I shall say that she's literally quite influential for this new step of me and GD.
"Oh, neo mu yeppeon!" she impressively exclaims. I think I see her eyes are full of tears—happy tears.
"Wow. That's fucking amazing," Seungri says, unable to stop looking at the image. They all definitely pay their attention towards it excitedly.
"Language, Seungri," Ahjumma corrects. I chuckle as sitting on GD's lap instinctively. Then, he embraces me with one of his arm and another one feeds himself the food.
"I can't believe you are having a baby together. It even thought I might have got married before you." Youngbae turns to us. His reaction is priceless—the way he always seems aggressive, but when it comes to this, he looks so soften and delicate than I ever see.
"A priest like you will get married before me? Huh, too late, pal," GD jokingly teases him and chilly drinks up T.O.P's glass for half of it. Then, he suddenly stops himself and places the glass away from us—far from me to smell none of it. He clears his throat and continues. "Anyway, it's not just a baby....G.I.R.L. That is a girl," he says cooly, pointing at the image with the proudest smile getting wide on his face.
"A girl!?" Everybody surprisingly repeats at once.
"I am a father having a daughter," he says proudly, chewing another piece of his favorite pancake.
"Stoooop." Seungri makes a jealous face. I adore him.
"No way your daughter will be ugly. Look at the mother." Daesong nods towards me. I shrug proudly.
"Is this really a girl?" T.O.P, who's holding the image and staying in silence for a while, begins to speak.
"What's your problem?" GD asks.
"Seriously. I see nothing but a black hole. I don't see any life in this pic." He blows the image ahead himself. The boys including Ahjumma start to give him the exact point of it. And he gestures like what the heck and tries to gaze like I just did in the examination room.
"Come on, uncle T.O.P. It's like a chocolate chip." I reach over and take the image to point him my baby girl. And I become such a terrible mother again. Dammit! Got a feel like all eyes on me as I'm pretending that I don't even notice. I keep staring at the full black image for a second, sighing giddily before shoves it backwards to GD. "Oppa, I lost it again," I admit before pressing my forehead onto the edge of the table, sobbing inevitably.
All of them burst out laughing like the way the doctor and her assistant just did to me. Like I was such a joker which I am not. I am a horrible, blinded mother. GD gives me adorable kisses from my hair down to my cheek before helps me see my girl again.
"There she is...right here..." He points at the image and suddenly pauses for a while. Then, he stutters, "What the hell? Why I can't find her, either? Where's she gone?"
He gazes and gazes and unbelievably groans. I begin to feel less guilty, and laugh along with tears.
KWON JIYONG
I'm craving underneath the blanket head to toes, exhaling and inhaling annoyingly. Daisies is gone showering for like half an hour, and I wonder what the heck she wants to scrub herself that much. Nor do I want her to the bed in this early 8 p.m. I'm kind of in the mood and want to be alone for a while. I don't know but I feel soooooo paranoid that I couldn't even see my own baby from the ultrasound image anymore. I tried so hard for the whole dinner to figure out where she is in the image of her. And I've got nothing. None of the image can compare to the live screen of ultrasound. I could see her less than two seconds. But when it comes to image...I became suck. I think I get Daisies's feeling. How upset she can't see her baby like I am now.
I roll myself on the bed, hugging two Care Bears in each arms and bury my face onto the pillow. The feeling of grief arrives.
Suddenly, the sound of knocking the door rings twice. I perk up and wonder why Daisies has to knock the door since she and I never ever do. The door seems open itself, goes wide half of its way. And there's a chubby short dog runs into the door.
I sit up as it jumps up to the bed and stops in front of me. "Gaho yah. It felt like a month. I missed you so much." I carry him up and place him on my lap.
"You just opened the door?" I say what I already knew he actually didn't. Gaho barks, sticking out his tongue with breaths. I slightly notice that there's a small folded paper hanging on his collar. I unwrap it and read the note.
'I heard there's a full moon tonight. Would you meet me at the rooftop and prove that I'm right, Daddy?
기다리고있을 게요~ xxx.'
I read her messy Korean handwriting which's like her two hands fly up from the note and tear up each corner of my mouth to smile widely.
* * *
I go upstairs to the rooftop less than five minutes later, and also don't forget to bring Gaho with me. Up here on the rooftop normally gives me some vibes of overwhelmed party that full of people and strangers sometimes. But nothing can compare to this day. Not at all. I couldn't be happier, actually.
None of crowd is here. It's just me and her, her and me. Oh, Gaho and Gina, too. Sorry. There're four lives on this rooftop. Daisies is sitting on the patio railings towards the city, playing guitar of Leaving On a Jet Plane acoustic song, floating her magical melodies up along the strong wind on top of this penthouse. Next to the railings is a Japan picnic table which's covered with a Daisy-butterfly pattern tablecloth; on top of it is several food and two glasses. I grin as my eyes catch a plate of pancake mountain which's laying in the middle of the table as if it were a mini Christmas tree or something.
There's so many times I've let you down
So many times I've played around
I tell you now, they don't mean a thing
Every place I go, I'll think of you
Every song I sing, I'll sing for you
When I come back, I'll bring your wedding ring
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
I secretly stand behind her, looking at her back, listening to her sweet voice along with the melodies she playing. I know this moment...there's nothing on earth I'd love to do more than having this voice around.
Then, she stops playing as Gaho scratching the railings behind her to ask for her attention. He seems to love her. They're marvelously bonding so good. As the matter of fact, Gaho never approaches and calls someone attention except he actually likes them.
Daisies turns around and smiles at him so brightly before laying down her guitar and pulling herself back to the patio later. I squat and whistle towards Gaho, and he immediately runs back to me.
"Good boy." I rub his head lovingly while Daisies walks towards us, opening her two arms. I stand up and stretching out to get the hug from her. But turns out I am too narcissistic.
She bends over to carry up Gaho to her chest. "Gaho. You did it. You took him here. Such a good boy," she compliments him and kisses his head. Ugh!
I feel like my eye-roll has come twice, left to right and right to left.
"Bush ba boo boi," I sarcastically mimic her voice, sticking out my tongue to look more piss off.
Actually, I want to call her attention too. Daisies laughs adorably for my childish acting before puts Gaho down and then wraps her arms around my shoulders.
"Glad you came up to have a dinner with me," she snickers, looking at me in the eyes, her smile particularly shining bright like a full moon above our heads. I act like I am still upset, looking over her shoulder. "What? What happened to your face? Did someone rip your smile away?" she teases, still folding me under her arms.
I keep looking away, slipping my hands in my pockets, making a rotten face to tease her. In fact, I fucking want to hug her back and make kisses so badly. "Next times you just invite Gaho for dinner. Don't ask me."
She laughs, tipping her nose against my chin. "What a dramatic boy. I especially set this dinner for you," she says and then kisses my cheek.
I hardly keep playing cool. "For what? I ate it."
"You didn't eat. You just stole someone's food. And I see, after you couldn't figure out the picture, you barely ate all of the sudden," She says, genuine caring in her voice.
"It's annoying that I can't see her," I confess. I get the feeling of Daisies when we were at examination room this evening. I feel such paranoid. All I desire is next times when she comes to get ultrasound, we hopefully might be seeing her more shinning and more growing up.
She chuckles a bit. My hands are no longer in my pockets. I place them on each side of her waist. "Me too. But I reckon she's gonna be more obvious next time. You know, this is just a short period."
"Yeah. I think you're right." I slightly adjust her bangs properly as the wind blows them messing up. But she's still gorgeous, to be honest.
"So, are you feeling any better now? The food is getting cold up here," she asks with her adorable smile, tightening her embrace.
I teasingly shake my head, but my mouth still grinning. "No."
She folds her lips, staring at me thoughtfully for while. Then she tips toe, cupping my face and plants a small soft kiss on my lips. "Anything good, yet?"
"No," I still insist, and she groans funnily.
"Okay, grumpy boy. What about this?" And she gives me her best kisses—shoving her tongue which's sweet and juicy like a candy inside my mouth, biting my bottom lip softly to turn me on a bit faster. This girl totally knows how to play me as well.
There's no need to keep acting cool anything anymore. I fold her under my arms instead and kiss her back as if we're testing about who kisses better. We never seem to get lost. We kiss harder like the world is about to crash up until she starts to croak upside my mouth. And then more croak.
I open my eyes. "What's wrong?"
"Sorry. I'll be back in a sec," she splutters and covers her mouth and pushes me to step away. I'm stunned for a moment as she runs to the back of some plant pot and makes a sound of croaking again.
Then I memorize...
That's my souvenir I've given her.
"Be easy on mommy, Gina," I shout with laughs.