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47: Reminder
"I love you, baby girl, and I'll always be here for you."
My eyes remain shut, exhaling heavy breaths of oxygen to mimic snoring. My heart pounds against my chest as I listen to his dark, raspy tone. I hear rustling through the line, knowing that he'll be falling asleep soon. After speaking to him for a few hours, I knew that he wouldn't sleep until I fell asleep, so I decided to fake that I knocked out.
He needs sleep. He has work tomorrow, and he cannot be tired since he'll be up the whole day.
After a few more minutes, the rustling ends, being replaced by soft snores. I peek open one of my eyes to see if he is fully asleep, and right away, I am greeted by his face, lips formed into a small line as he rests his arms on the pillow.
I know I should actually be asleep, but I can't. No matter how hard I try, my mind runs with fear and worry. Although Jake seems to have soothed me for a moment, it isn't enough - especially knowing that I am not safe forever. Jayce can be my shield, but all shields break at some point. He isn't indestructible - he'll slip and shatter, and Quinn will figure out that I used his cousin for a lie to protect myself. Then, who knows what will happen. Quinn is unpredictable, cunning, and merciless.
My eyes are wide open, staring at the white ceiling above me, the light from my lamp casting shadows above. The darkness seems to overpower the light, making me think back to earlier: the events blasting inside my mind. Quinn is here. He knows where I live. He knows what I've said, and he is convinced for now. But what if he finds out. What if Jayce isn't capable of lying to his cousin for too long? I return my eyes to the man I fear, and he whispers, "I was never here. If I hear anything about what you're saying is a lie," his hand near my entrance slowly touches me with the cloth separating him, "You can say goodbye to this, bitch." He rips his firing hand away from my body and removes himself off of me, a gush of air slamming - replacing his body - into me as he exits quickly through the other door. I grab onto myself, wrapping my arms as if some failed attempt of a shield: I joined physical training at school, and none of the work I had done paid off.
What am I going to do? I remember each blow that hit my skin, each sting that bursted against my face, each slice that made me closer to my death, and it returned all because of him. I feel my body igniting in pain again. I can remember the cold metal against my skin again, the blood trickling down my arm to the ground until I escaped reality for a brief moment. I can't do it again, but what if I need to. What if that's the only solution I have?
What if I want to do this? What if I need to do this?
Do I need to do this?
But before I can process about it anymore, I hear the garage door rumble, realizing my mother and father are home.
*
Point of View: Jacob Christopher Camareno
*
I kissed her.
My mind has not fully accepted what has happened, but I kissed her. I kissed my best friend. My lips pressed against her soft, pink lips - the feeling of ecstasy and surprise not leaving my veins just yet. I should feel guiltiest than I feel right now, but I do not... It's numbed by the overpowering emotion controlling me: love.
Instead of speaking, my brain seemed to have disconnected with my body, because right away, my body closed the space in between us, my lips pressed against her soft, tinted lips. She gasped at first, but I decided to close my eyes, not wanting to see her reaction for a moment, to feel this one cherishing kiss that I can share with her. I kept my lips against hers, not knowing for how long, but knowing I did not want it to end.
I was lost in that simple kiss, but I was returned to reality as I felt the gentle shove against my chest, her separating us. At first, I did not know what was going on. Then, I realized she has a boyfriend; her eyes spoke to me, telling me she did not expect me to kiss her, but I did anyways. She was shocked, but no trace of judgment or anger can be searched for inside her eyes. She's too good. She's too kind, and to me, she's perfect. Her flaws and imperfections make her who she is, and I'm falling deeper and deeper into this hole I dug myself in, wanting to attain her love.
"Why didn't you tell me you had a girlfriend?" My thoughts are cut off, an intrusion of a voice piercing into my mind. It takes me a moment to realize that I'm not alone in my car. I'm with my cousin, with the man that Lara fears. I take my time to answer, processing what I have to say since she isn't my girlfriend. Well technically, she's - wait - she is my girlfriend. I clear my throat whilst tapping on the steering wheel, "Our relationship is between her and I, so it isn't necessary to flaunt it around," I shrug my shoulders to make it seem nonchalant, but my heart is beating, pounding as I lie to him. He leans back in his chair, "Yea, but you could've told me, Jay. I mean - I'm your cousin."
I felt guilt trying to overcome my system, but I force it back in, fighting the ties I have between family and my love for Lara. I've only known Lara for a few months, but it seems like I've known her since we were born; contrasting that, I've known Quinn my whole life, but it seems like I don't know him at all. He's related to me by blood, but I honestly wish he wasn't... I for want to be linked to the man that scarred my best friend. I chuckle dryly at his remark, "Yea, but she means more to me, Quinn," I drum my thumbs against the steering wheel, keeping my voice light, so he doesn't realize my anger building up. He feigns being insulted and feeling pain by putting his hands to his chest, "After all we've been through, JayJay?" He uses the name my brother calls me, and I feel a new detonator inside of me, making me realize a new fear.
Charlie.
He loves Quinn. He thinks of him as a saint - as a role model. If Quinn asks him anything, he won't be able to keep his mouth shut. He won't be able to lie to Quinn especially since Quinn did everything for Charlie when we were younger. He was the cousin that everyone looked up to... That Charlie still looks up to. I don't know what the hell happened that made him change, that made him be like the way he is now, but I can't risk Lara's safety. Not a chance.
I clear my throat "Yea, you're my cousin, but Lara's way more special to me." What am I going to do with Charlie? Do I tell him that Lara and I are dating? Do I tell him a lie? But what will happen if I do? It'll break him if he finds out the truth - hell, I know he'll forgive Lara, but it'll create a barrier between me and him after that lie is told.
"Okay, Jay. Whatever you say," his hand is placed on my shoulder, "Just remember, if you're having any problems with her, just tell me; remember, I'm always here for you," he gives me a smile that I see from the corner of my eye, but I can't feel any love or compassion for him. It's anger, fury, and pain.
Hell no. After finding out you're the one that caused her to break down and cry - never, Quinn.
"Yea, I know."
*****
Monday, December 1, 2014
"Charlie, wake up," I gently shake my brother's shoulder, whispering him away from his deep slumber, "You have to go to school today." He groans out, tossing and turning before covering his head with the pillow he was just resting on. "It's too early, JayJay," he whines, mumbling to the pillow, "I don't want to go." Realizing that is a false excuse, I ask, "Why don't you want to go?" Already knowing his response. "You know what today is, JayJay," he continues to mumble beneath the pillow, "I don't want to go to school today." At his young age, I know he's having a hard time, but his education is important as well - especially with him advancing through his classes and his final exams coming up. I sigh, "But it's necessary for you to go. You have your final preparations coming up," I continue to shake his shoulder, but he doesn't budge, welcoming me to his silence. "Charlie," I repeat, but he turns his body around, so his back is towards me. "Charlie, please wake up," I reiterate.
Silence.
"Charlie, I know -" I pause, rewording my following sentence in my head, " - I know today is a bad day, but no one is able to control what you feel but you." I feel my heart crack, knowing he isn't talking because today is something both of us do not want to face, "You're not alone, Charlie," I take a deep breath, "I know what today is." He doesn't respond, so I continue, "It's mom's birthday." I hear him sniffle under the pillow, so I pull him closer to me, hugging him from behind, "I know it's hard, Charlie, but we need to stay strong - not for our sake, but for Mom and Dad's. Mom wouldn't want us sitting around and breaking down," I inhale deeper, feeling tears well up in my eyes, but forcing them in to be strong for my little brother, "We have to prove to her we will be okay; that dad, you, and I are okay." Slowly, he removes the pillow from his face, his eyes red from tears that must've formed ever since last night, "I miss her, JayJay."
"I miss her, too," I tighten my grip around him, "I miss her more than words can express."
We stay quiet inside his room for minutes, letting the realization that our mother is gone; that she isn't here for her birthday; that she won't be here for the years to come. Memories flood my system, remembering how Dad, Charlie, and I would wake up early every year to surprise her; that's why Charlie's awake already... He knew exactly what today was.
"JayJay! JayJay! Wake up!" I feel my brother's weight jumping on my springy bed, "Wake up! Wake up! Dad and I put the candles on the cake already!" He continues to jump, "Come on! We have to hurry before she gets out of bed!" I open my eyes, seeing a big smile plastered on his face, "Get out of bed, sleepyhead! We need to go now!" He starts pulling at my hand, but since I'm heavier, he gives up and uses his whole body to push me onto the floor, "Let's go!" As soon as I make a thud against the carpeted floor, I stand, "Race you to Mom and Dad's door, Charlie!"
"I'll go to school today," Charlie breaks the silence, his voice echoing in my ear. I don't reply, making him continue his sentence, "Can you drop me off with Dad?" He looks down at his lap, "Like when we were younger?" He raises his head meeting my eyes again, the fragility in them making me realize he's bringing back old memories as well. "Of course," I may be late to school, but if it's for my brother's well-being, I'll do anything. Then, his voice softens, "Can we pick up, Lara, too?" I reply, "I'll call her. She may have to go to school early, so let's just see." He nods, getting out of bed and dragging his feet to the door. Before he can turn the doorknob, I speak up, "How about we go for ice cream later? You know - after your tutoring session with Lara." He looks back at me, his eyes having a small curve revealing a glimmer of happiness, "Really?" I nod at him, and he responds, "Make sure you pick me up after you're done with basketball practice. I'll be waiting," he turns the doorknob, but before opening it, his voice becomes solemn, "Can we bring Lara... She -" he looks down again, "She makes the pain bearable because - well - ever since she came along, she makes you happier, and it makes me realize we're okay." He leaves without another word, rendering me speechless.
I feel a pang of guilt inside of me again. I did not tell him what lie Lara and I had created. Instead, I told him our friendship had developed, making us closer than we were prior; it isn't really lying, but not fully telling him the truth hurts, especially since I only ask him to be honest with me at all times. I'm being hypocritical to him when I know I shouldn't, but for now, I have to deal with this pain in order to protect Lara.
I pull out my phone from my pant pocket, calling her. The ringing echoes through my line, making my leg shake up and down from my impatience. "Hello?" I hear her yawn, "Jayce?" "Good morning," I smile at the sound of her voice. "Good morning," she repeats, "Sorry, I -" she yawns again, "I just woke up. What's up?" I let the line go silent for a moment, then speak up, "Can I ask for a favor?" Immediately, a protective sense in her causes her to ask questions, "What? What's wrong? Are you okay?" I smile, realizing Charlie's right, she makes me happy without her doing anything in particular. "Yea, well - kinda," I take a breath, "It's just that - uhm - today's my mom's birthday, and I - well," I struggle forming my sentence, but she doesn't interrupt, waiting for me to finish, "I was wondering if I could pick you up because Charlie wants you to be with us." I hear her soft breathing through the line, then she coughs, clearing her throat, "Oh - uhm, sure," something is a bit off in her voice, "What time are you picking me up?"
"Maybe in an hour," I reply. I'm tempted to ask her what's wrong, but she answers back too quickly, "Well, I'll see you later." The line ends, and I look at my phone for a second before putting it away. I stand up from Charlie's bed, going towards the door, and as soon as I open it, the answer to my unsolved question is answered: Quinn.
*****
I sit in the backseat with Charlie, my arm around his shoulder as he takes the middle seat. He hasn't been a fan of the window seat especially since he isn't able to look out the window; we tried buying him a booster seat once, but he denied it, saying he's too old for it. "Dad, turn left here," I say, leading him in the direction of Lara's home, "She's the seventh house on the right." He chuckles out immediately, "I'm telling you, Jayce, I feel like this Lara girl is going to be my future daughter; she seems uber close to you and your brother."
"Dad, remember... We're just friends that -"
"Are developing feelings for each other," Charlie butts in, "I would actually like Lara to be my sister. Then, we both can go against you because she always takes my side," he giggles out, making my dad reverberate in laughter as well. "Friends, you guys. Friends," I emphasize, smiling to myself despite the fact they're teasing me and knowing it may not come true.
The car comes to a stop, and I go into the front seat. Lara comes out with her backpack strap on her shoulder, running on her snowless driveway (which she most likely plowed herself). She enters the back, sitting right next to Charlie. "Good morning, Charlie," she hugs him tightly, "Gosh, it's freezing outside." She looks up, smiles at me before looking at my dad, "Good morning, Mister - I - uh - Uncle Charles." My dad returns her greeting, pulling out of the driveway, going towards Charlie's school.
"Good morning, honey," my dad smiles at her, then takes a quick, discrete glance at me, "How are you?" "I'm good, how are you?" from my mirror, I see her looking out the window, the passing houses and trees blurring into the background. My dad continues on the conversation, his eyes on the road, but I feel him make short glances at me, a smile crawling up his lips, "I'm well. How was your weekend, my dear?" Lara turns away from the window, looking at the back of my seat, "It was," she pauses, "Tiring, but I'm fine. I just had a load of work to do for school." After fifteen minutes of my dad talking to her, we make it to Charlie's school.
"JayJay," he sighs out as soon as the car comes to a complete stop, "I don't want to go in." I turn to look at the backseat, seeing him stare outside of the window. His eyes are distant, the sadness reflecting like the day of our mother's funeral. I'm found speechless, like my voice has been removed from my throat, and I cannot speak anymore. Who would want to go to school knowing that when you come home, you won't be able to give your mother a big, warm hug and tell her a 'happy birthday.' It depresses me realizing this is Charlie and I's reality. I think of anything to say to encourage him to get out of the car, but no words will come out of my mouth. Then, I notice her sitting by Charlie. Lara gazes into my eyes for mere seconds, as if she's reading me. I am pulled out of my sadness, blinking away the tears welling up in my eyes, but before I can even speak, Lara's voice erupts, "Do you want me to walk you to your classroom, Charlie?" Her arms are wrapped around his body, her voice soft and soothing.
He looks up at her, "Is that okay with you?" She nods, a small curve etched upon her lips. She puts her hands to my brother's cheeks - just like our mother use to - and wipes the tears that escaped his eyes. "It's okay to cry, Charlie. It shows that you love your mom," she continues to brush her thumbs against his cheeks, and immediately, he goes in for a hug, "Promise me you won't leave me like she did, Lara." I'm surprised by his words, making me look at my dad. His facial expression mimics mine: shock. Lara tightens her grip around my brother, "Why would I leave my little student?" she giggles, trying to make the tension in the car disappear. Charlie smiles, "Thanks for being with me, Lara," he puts his backpack on his shoulders, "I - I think I'm ready to go to school." She opens the door for both of them to get out, but before Charlie jumps out the door, he hugs Dad first, then me. "Stay safe, today. I'll see you at home later," he exits out the car, grabbing Lara's hand. They walk towards the entrance right away, leaving me and my dad in the car to wait.
"She's something else, Jay," my dad speaks, destroying the silence that ensued. "What do you mean?" I ask.
"She reminds me so much of your mother," he sighs, looking away from me, "It makes it easier to bear this pain that we had to carry when we moved." I look down at my lap, the feeling inside my heart heavy and dreadful. After I met her, the pain was easier to carry around. "I know, Dad," I crack, images of Mom entering my mind. "I miss her so much," I try to remain calm, knowing that if I start crying, it'll make it harder for Dad. "I know, son. We all do, especially you." I look out the window patiently waiting for Lara to come out, ending the conversation. I couldn't take anymore talking - it's too hard to do so, and my dad understands my reasons why.
After about five minutes, Lara comes out of the entrance doors and jogs her way to the car. "Sorry about that," she enters putting her seatbelt on immediately, "I had to reassure Charlie that we'll take him out for ice cream after tutoring," she smiles, "Apparently a certain boy promised Charlie that we'd get ice cream." I look at my dad, a smile mimicked on both our lips, "Yea, it always makes him feel better."
"Good, I can't wait then," she straightens out in her seat, "School better go by quickly."
We get to school in no time, my dad dropping us at the back entrance. He already excused Lara and I's first and second period classes, so as soon as he drove off, Lara and I decided to walk on the track field. Her hands are stuffed in her pocket, her shoes kick the snow on the ground, and out of nowhere, I hear her speak, "Can I ask something?" I stop in my tracks, seeing that she's paying attention to the ground, "Sure." She is silent, and I wait there for her to respond, "Could you describe your mother for me?" she asks unsure, afraid I'll be offended or thrown off, "I mean, like how she was before the - uhm -"
"The accident," I sigh. "Yea, but I rather sit down if we're talking about her." She looks at the bleachers, then returns her attention to me, "Okay."
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I'm sorry for being really inactive. I have a lot going on, and I hope you all understand. I love you all for your care and support. This chapter is dedicated to all of you.