Sept 10, 2015
Is it possible that life can feel too secure? Too perfect? I am beginning to wonder.
Life with Carter couldn't be better, but I don't know what to do with that. I hadn't went looking for trouble. I avoided the twins, even on their birthday. Even out of morbid curiosity on my part. I tried to leave that chapter behind me. You can imagine my surprise when I literally bumped into Josh at work. It had been more than a year.
He wore a suit, and it looked amazing on him. He filled out. He embodied the epitome of masculinity even more. His broad shoulders with rippling muscles could be noticed even through the navy-blue suit. He wore a white shirt opened at the collar. He looked like these clothes were made for him. He smiled at me and I literally melted me into a puddle at his feet. Is it weird I was downright giddy to see him?
My red curls cascaded down my back now. The eyes were still brown but more honey colored from the new contacts, but I switched to two-inch heels as opposed to the stilettos I preferred while bartending, which were more like 6-inches. I stopped tanning letting my skin return to its paler state.
He joined some co-workers meeting for lunch. He didn't recognize me as Vicki or Tori, but jokingly handed me his business card stating if I ever had any legal trouble he would gladly represent me.
He left me staring stupidly at his card while he joined his companions. He should have just graduated law school in May. Josh probably just finished his summer internship and passed his BAR Exam. These must be the men from his first Firm.
I found myself fiddling with his business card later. Staring at the flimsy card with his familiar handwriting as if it held all the answers. On the back he scrawled his cell phone number. I couldn't help myself. I texted him. I knew I shouldn't, but I really couldn't stop myself. I longed for the lost connection and needed to know more. Surprisingly I received a notification just a few minutes later.
He immediately asked, "Please tell me you're the red head from the restaurant, and I can help you in some way." I sighed. Who started conversations like that? We chatted for a bit via text. He was kind of funny and very charming. Nothing existed of the Josh who tormented me. I knew I shouldn't, but I set up a date with him. I scheduled it for a night I knew Carter would be at the bar late. Inventory nights for him always tacked on another two hours minimum.
I couldn't determine what wrongs resonated within me which made me crave him. I had everything with Carter. We would be married soon. We planned the event for next year. Yet I had this piece of my life which only caused me pain and I couldn't let go of that he knew nothing about.
What would happen if he ever found out? Would he hate me? Would he understand? Well he'd never understand me going out on a date with one of the same guys who caused a scene over me in his bar. Except it wasn't really a date to me, more of a fact-finding mission. One I couldn't ignore anymore.
Sept 21
Josh took me on the best date of my life, which I found disturbing in so many ways. We flirted back and forth, while I waited for an excuse for him to invite me to his place. I needed a chance to poke through their belongings and find out as much as I could before disappearing off their radar again. The older we all grew the more confident I became with them not discovering who I was accidentally.
I became an expert at hiding right in front of them. Just like in previous years, except now they didn't know where to eventually find me. Except I actively led one straight to me. I didn't care though. Literally running into him had to mean something. There must be a reason, and my determination took over desperate to find out more.
He took me yachting on his boat. Such adventures lost to me since my parents passed. It reminded me of so many good memories before my world crashed in flames and went to shit. He looked amazing in khaki shorts and a polo shirt. He exuded the aura of a Kennedy.
He taught me enough to keep us on the water and enjoy the sun and ocean. He commanded all the traits which leave last impressions on people. I couldn't distinguish the boy I grew up with anywhere within the man who stood before me.
After more than half a day out on the water, he took me to a nearby dockside seafood restaurant. The type of cute little cozy place which served amazing food and better atmosphere.
He talked to me about law school, and the rush of being in like in a court room. I talked about culinary school and working in kitchens. He hinted on our second date I should cook for him at his place. He mentioned good cooking was absent from his life for a long time. I noticed a change in his attitude for a second, and it tugged at my heart strings even though I didn't want it to.
I asked him what he meant. How could I not? He told a short tale of a missing cousin he grew up with, who often took care of him and his twin brother after their parents died from a drunk driver on New Year's Eve. She disappeared 5 years ago, and still hurt too much to discuss.
His story undoubtedly turned girls into malleable prey in his hands. Knowing the truth kept me grounded and reminded me of his capabilities. I wondered how many girls had fallen for the act before.
He carried himself like a perfect gentleman the whole time. He opened doors and pulled out chairs. He never tried anything. At the end of the night he dropped me back off at my car and gave me a simple kiss on the lips. Just enough to show his intentions but leave you wanting more. His moves were well-practiced, and I gave him credit. Then he said, "So next time dinner at my place right? You're cooking?" He hopped in his car and drove away before I could refuse. It would get me inside.
I wondered if they still shared the same place near the bar. A lot could change in a year, after so much time I knew nothing. So many questions hung in the air unanswered, and I needed answers like air.
I changed into jammies and rested on the couch long before Carter walked through the door. Even later curled in his arms I couldn't stop thinking about the gentleman side of Josh which I never knew.
Oct 2
Today was my second date with Josh. I planned for a lunch date because Carter leaves to open the bar in the late morning. I flirted with Josh shamelessly via text since our last date. He tried exponentially to convince me to come cook for him, but there were too many risk factors. I didn't know if Jake lived there, and what if he recognized the taste of my cooking. I considered picking a dish I never made for them. Something I didn't learn until years later, but it just seemed better to avoid it altogether. Maybe I moved a certain way in the kitchen he would notice.
Instead we proceeded to the aquarium and played 20 questions. I couldn't give him my usual back story about dead parents and foster care because it hit too close to home. I changed the story to foster care with no family. It prevented a lot of paths of questions which would involve too many lies to remember. The easiest way to keep lies minimal and as close to the truth as possible would always be simplicity and less information.
I procured some interesting information from him. He moved back into his family house with his brother. They made several changes to the property in the last year since moving in. This perked my curiosity. It fascinated me to think about the two of them back home. What did they change?
He also told me about his last relationship a little. He dated the DA's daughter and knowing him he would use a relationship to gain personal access. It worked. He gained employment to their office. When I ran into him, they were treating him to lunch as the newest member of the team. The shocking part remained his decision to go into prosecution instead of defense. If Jake were ever in serious trouble, he wouldn't be able to represent him, but he would be in good standings with all the people trying him.
Just from an afternoon of conversation I learned where he lived and where he worked. The mission felt successful. After the aquarium, he took me for a walk through a nearby park he likes along the lake. While we walked along the water's edge, he pulled me into his arms and gave me a very intimate kiss. I stood there dumbfounded. The kiss left me hot and yet held a gentle sweetness. It also made me realize I missed his touch. He left me trembling. With his arms still around me he looked into my eyes and said, "Come home with me." My stomach fluttered and my heart hammered in my chest, but I knew I couldn't. Well, I shouldn't.
I repeatedly told myself no. I cannot do that. Convincing myself took far too much will power. Yet I reminded myself Carter waited at home, and nothing good would come from me engaging with either of the twins. I told him I needed to go shortly afterwards, ending the date a bit earlier than he intended. I dragged myself home and tried not to dwell on it, or the fact he would probably never speak to me again since I refused to sleep with him. A guy who looked like him didn't have to wait.
Before I closed my eyes though I received a text from him, "Goodnight beautiful." I wanted to not be affected, but I couldn't stop smiling like an idiot. Why did one kiss leave me like a lovesick teenager, but I couldn't even orgasm with my boyfriend? Why did I have the urge to go break into Pennington Manor? My sickness ran deep and I needed help. I made an appointment with a therapist.
Oct 17
A therapy session or two later I wisely started ghosting Josh. After more than a week an embarrassing display of roses showed up at my job, every hour on the hour. I texted him. He played very coy, but I hadn't known him to pursue any woman so openly.
I agreed to meet him at his place and make dinner. I really wanted to see the changes at the manor and have the potential of seeing Jake. I made it well known there would be no dessert on the menu. He still agreed.
It took my back parking in front of the old house, standing in front of it and looking up. It made it feel almost like I never left. I immediately saw one of the changes when he invited me in. No knobs existed on any of the doors, even on the inside there were none. The scan pads were placed near all the doors to palm scan. I tried not to let panic take root at the notion of being trapped in Pennington Manor with the twins again, but I could only grasp with horror how they intended to ensure I cannot escape again.
I asked him about the pads, and he said the house sat vacant for a few years and several break-ins led to tighter security. It seemed plausible enough, except I was the perp. I guess he saw my unease at the scanners and said he could add my palm if I wanted, if I promised not to break in. I appreciated the cuteness of the gesture, but it terrified me more. Too many variables existed when it came to technology I knew nothing about. I shook it off stating I trusted him, even though I did not.
Josh proceeded to give an excellent tour of Pennington Manor along with an amazing history. Some I wasn't even aware of. The man finally learned to do his homework. I pretended to be in awe of the giant manor. Then I accused him of flaunting family money to try and get the girl. He laughed and said, "Maybe just a little."
I made dinner. Something very simple and we talked trading tit for tat. Wine flowed freely the whole time. I turned my head back to a full glass every time. Over dinner he kissed me, and I eagerly opened myself to him. My lowered inhibitions even let him pull me into his lap.
We were kissing almost feverishly. I almost started unbuttoning both our shirts. I wanted to know this side of him. The differences perplexed me and drove me wild. He carried himself so proper, and unlike the kid I remembered. He slowed the pace of his kiss. Then began to trail my neck and shoulders with his fingertip, lips, and finally tongue and teeth. Making it a point to savor my taste.
My phone rang amidst his ravaging lighting up while playing Carter's familiar ringtone. I let it ring, but the spell between us was broken. And I slammed back into reality. When I attempted to slide off Josh's lap, he grabbed both sides of my face. The firmness of his grip startled me. It reminded me of the version of Josh I knew too well, and I ached. "Since when do you have one blue eye and one brown eye?"
I thought I would die. My heart pounded like drums in my chest, and I struggled for air. Heat flushed over me and my cheeks turned crimson with panic. I threw myself off his lap and started looking around for my contact. He repeated the question but different, "Who covers up blue eyes for brown?"
"I only cover up the blue one because it's less noticeable. They're two different colors. I am super self-conscious about it. Other kids teased me about it relentlessly." I covered one of my eyes not sure which fell out, but I felt stripped of my protective identities. He looked at me and licked his lips. I saw that old light hit them and my blood ran to ice.
"You're covering the brown one."
I kneel on the floor searching and he stared into my one exposed pale blue eye.
His jade glare flashed and with them hundreds of memories striking down my confidence in one fell swoop. I jokingly laughed saying it didn't matter which I covered since they were both different. Playing more intoxicated I bubbled with laughter. I kidded about him liking me better with blue eyes, determined not to let him see me tremble in fear again.
He didn't answer. He watched, and I saw the predator again. I used being too drunk as an excuse to go home. He insisted on driving me, but I refused calling a cab. He wasn't keen on it but relented saying he'd see me when I came to pick up my car. The barely perceptible changes in him spooked me; the tightening of his muscles, the clenching of his jaw, the darkening of his eyes. Instincts said run.
I took the cab home, and he let me leave. Later Carter didn't even notice my car wasn't parked on the street. He trusted me completely. I hated myself. I wished I knew what was wrong with me.
Like a monster I still craved Josh's proximity like an addict who finally scored their drug of choice after years of recovery. I knew the dangers of staying, and like Icarus I flew too close to the sun.