"Are you on anxiety medications?" The ER doctor asked, watching Jungkook with wary eyes as if the shaken up man would have another psychotic breakdown.
Jungkook hated hospitals. He wasn't exactly sure why as hospitals are supposed to be clean. However, he just heard someone in the room beside him lose their lunch much like he had and it was a cold reminder that sick, infected, contaminated people come here. It was as though an icy cold hand had wrapped itself around his shoulder and sent unpleasant chills running up and down his spine like ants. Someone had laid in the bed he woke up in. Even if the sheets were clean, someone had occupied this room before him.
Jungkook's stomach churned and he wrapped his arms around his torso, pressing them against his abdomen and swallowing down whatever tried to come out. He tried to block out the reminder that several people had touched him without his permission; several people had put their bare hands on his clothes. His body started to heat up again. It was uncomfortable, like sitting in a sauna. As though he were getting ready to spontaneously combust. The chills were replaced with intense heat and his stomach felt as though it had flipped upside down.
"Sir, do you have someone who can take you home?" The doctor asked, clearly concerned for the troubled patient whose face was a pale-green colour. Perspiration appeared on his exposed forehead.
Jungkook shook his head. His parents would hate to know he had yet another breakdown this time in public. The last time that happened was years ago when his school bullies had followed him home. His parents were so angry with him for embarrassing them in front of so many people. He couldn't tell them he's done it again.
He felt as though his lungs were about to collapse. His chest was heavy and his heart pumped so strongly it felt as though his entire body was pulsating with it. He felt sweat travel down his back and moisten his hands as the heat increased.
"Do you have health problems? Do you live on your own?"
She looked up from her clipboard and at Jungkook. Her eyes widened.
It was then when Jungkook realized his nose had started bleeding. He looked down at the floor and watched blood drip onto the white tile. His body became rigid and more heat spread around every inch of his skin. His vision blurred and he staggered to his left. The doctor rushed over to him and he held his hands up to stop her from moving any closer.
"P-Please...d-don't touch me."
"You have to sit down, do you need something to drink? Ice?" She reluctantly stayed put in her spot.
"Wh...where's my bag?" Jungkook asked as his heart sunk. "I-I had a b-bag..."
"It's here," the doctor pointed at the black bag sitting on the floor near the sink, "do you have a phone that you can call someone with?"
'Dr. Irel...' Jungkook thought before patting his pockets for his phone. It wasn't there.
"Wh-Where's my phone?"
"In your bag, here let me get it-"
"No!" He shook his head, "I j-just need gloves."
The doctor was confused for a second but she quickly got over it before nodding and grabbing the box of the gloves from one of the many cabinets in the room. She held the box out and Jungkook carefully pulled out 2 blue latex gloves and pulled them on.
He grabbed his bag and quickly unzipped it before digging around inside to make sure all his things were there. It wasn't a secure backpack. It only had one compartment with 2 smaller pockets inside which he always kept empty unless he wanted to bring gum. He heaved a sigh of relief when he saw his things he had brought with him from home.
Jungkook grabbed his phone with shaking hands, already knowing he'd have to clean everything inside including his backpack. He didn't want the phone to touch his skin so he held it away from his ear, just enough to hear rhe ringing and his psychiatrist's voice.
"Quite early, isn't it, Jungkook?" His doctor answered. "Nonetheless, hello."
"I-I need you."
---
"Coffee?" Dr. Irel asked as Jungkook sat down, back straight and body tense.
He was comfortable around his doctor; comfortable enough to sit in his office without having a panic attack or feeling as though his skin was melting off. Still, he was timid. He now wore a new pair of gloves and had cleaned the chair with Clorox wipes before sitting in it. His doctor also allowed Jungkook to watch him wipe down his desk and other surfaces that Jungkook might touch.
Jungkook shook his head, placing his gloved hands in his lap and watching the middle-aged man walk towards a mini-fridge. They both agreed that Jungkook should fit in a face-to-face session today considering the fit he had hours earlier. It was after the usual closing time for Dr. Irel but he deemed Jungkook a special patient so he allowed the boy to come in after picking him up from the hospital. Of course, he promised Jungkook he cleaned his car beforehand.
They have a simple doctor-patient relationship but Jungkook trusted the man more than he trusted his parents and Dr. Irel took that trust to heart. Plus, he knew how Jungkook's parents practically abandoned him knowing that the teen didn't function well in public at that time. And he knew why Jungkook didn't trust people and why he reacted to touches the way he did - long story short, he had a soft spot for Jungkook and cared deeply for the boy.
"Juice?" Dr. Irel offered, "I have apple-flavoured tea, cherry and cranberry juice, coffee, and milk - strawberry, chocolate, plain, banana...no, the plain has expired. I better throw this out." He held up the expired milk and bagged it before tossing it in the bin outside his office.
"I don't want a-anything to drink," Jungkook said. He watched his therapist sit down in front of him with a bottle of tea.
"So what happened following up to you being hospitalized?" Dr. Irel asked.
"S-Someone touched me," Jungkook answered, shuddering as the crawling sensation made its way through his body. He needed to go home and shower. He felt disgusting.
Dr. Irel hummed. "Where?"
"I-I don't know," Jungkook answered honestly.
"Okay, was it an innocent touch?"
The raven-haired male nodded, staring at the pictures on his doctor's desk. He had four pictures, two on both sides and they were just pictures of his kids.
"So someone accidentally touched you and it sent you into one of your breakdowns?" Dr. Irel concluded to which Jungkook simply nodded. "And it worsened because one, it gained the attention of more people and thus raising your social anxiety and two, people were worried, scared, or confused and tried to help you by touching you again and that only escalated your breakdown?"
Another nod and the doctor continued. "You didn't try the mental exercises, did you?"
"I forgot..." Jungkook frowned. They had gone over some exercises he could do while going out in public, when he felt an anxiety or panic attack coming, or when he had one of his rare breakdowns. He was simply supposed to remind himself of where he's at and focus on something around him. If someone were to accidentally touch him, he was supposed to remind himself that the person didn't mean to hurt him.
How was he supposed to remember all of that?
"You need to try and remember Jungkook," his doctor said with a slightly stern tone, "you're were doing so well, you hadn't had one of your breakdowns in months and despite you telling me about your anxiety seemingly getting worse, you were and still are on the road of great progress. So imagine the day when you can finally control your...your...eery or uncomfortable feelings when you walk outside and imagine the day when you or someone else can initiate contact whether it be a handshake or a high five and you don't feel the burning or crawling sensation because you were able to tell yourself and convince yourself that it's okay."
Jungkook shook his head. "I-I can't imagine that."
"It'll happen one day, Jungkook."
Their session continued for another 30 minutes before Dr. Irel was interrupted by a call from his daughter. He realized he had stayed longer than he had thought and decided to end the session there as Jungkook seemed to have calmed down.
"I-I can walk home," Jungkook reassured his doctor as he walked farther behind him, "there's something about the dark that's just...soothing."
"Given your condition...it's unsafe," Dr. Irel argued. He stopped in front of his red Honda Civic and looked at his patient who was already looking around, no fear in his eyes.
The dark meant not as many people would be out. The dark may symbolize fears for many but for Jungkook, it meant freedom. Across the street, he couldn't see what was inside the alleyway between the two-story building that sold used computers and the larger building beside it but that didn't scare him. There was nothing to be obsessed with in the dark; there were no corners, cracks, or crannies in the dark; there was no dirt in the dark. It was just dark. Nothing was there. And that gave Jungkook the comfort he both wanted and needed.
"I'll be fine," Jungkook said, "good night, Doctor. Thank you again."
"Well, call me when you make it home."
---
There were days where Jungkook sat in his small apartment and wondered what it would be like to be blind without light sensory. Just completely blind. Nothing but black. He'd live his life in complete darkness.
Of course, some blind people would love to see and would give anything to have Jungkook's eyes but Jungkook would do anything to have theirs. He wanted to switch the lights off forever and fall into a blank, black abyss and never fear hitting the bottom.
He stepped on a twig and it snapped underneath his shoes. He shivered at the sound and continued walking, shoving his gloved hands in his pocket.
Jungkook remembered reading about a powerful politician who was caught by a member of the same mafia Red was in. Jungkook couldn't remember the man's name, but he did remember what happened to the politician. He had stated that he will try to shut the mafia down and told the media that he sees everything the mafia doesn't think he can see. He was abducted right after his speech and several weeks later, he was found barely alive.
Acid had been poured atop of his eyes. He was blind throughout the rest of his torture. The liquid turned into thick, black goo which covered his entire eye and caused for removal. He died due to gastronomical problems and Jungkook was sure it had something to do with more acid but his autopsy report was never made public.
Of course, politicians have bad-mouthed the Kim Mafia several times before but apparently, this particular politician had bad blood with all of the Crowned Members. Jungkook knew that many respected politicians were under the control of the mafia or seek help from the mafia so he assumed that the murdered politician had denied them something or refused to pay his debt thus creating the beef between them.
The twig Jungkook had just stepped on broke again with a deafening snap! It sliced through the silence and made Jungkook's body turn colder than he already was.
Jungkook's thoughts disappeared just as fast as the twig snapped and he was left with a highly alert and empty head. His body became heavy as a weight settled atop his chest. Jungkook closed his eyes for a split second before reopening them and staring straight ahead, quickening his pace. It was deathly quiet outside, only the buzzing of the street lamps above kept the silence from weighing down on Jungkook's ears to where they'd start ringing. However, just underneath the loud buzzing were footsteps. Hitting the concrete in a steady heel to toe pace right behind Jungkook.
Jungkook refused to look back. He felt his phone in his pocket but his arms were too stiff to bend and reach inside. Was someone following him? Or was it just a random person walking in the dark as well? It wasn't too late. Just around nine. People were still awake at this time.
'Focus on the darkness' Jungkook thought as he subconsciously quickened his pace even more 'the darkness is what keeps you safe'
He stopped where he had to cross the street. With a deep and heavy sigh, the nervous teen hesitantly turned to face the direction he had just been walking in. His eyes landed on a dark figure lazily walking several feet away from him. The figure wore all black and merged in with the dark as if he were a demon crawling out of the shadows. Clouds of cigarette smoke swirled around the person's head and Jungkook could make out a lit cigarette in his left hand.
The figure stopped and stared directly in Jungkook's direction.
Jungkook stared back as the pedestrian light turned green. There were no cars and no other people. It was just him, the person before him, and the buzzing street lamps that seemed to have quietened down.
The man took a step and Jungkook stayed in his spot. He tried to will his body to move but his feet stayed glued to the ground, hands shaking beside his thighs. The man stopped moving after he realized Jungkook wasn't going to move. Jungkook couldn't see his face but thanks to the orange light hanging off a building several feet above the person's head, he could see red hair underneath a black cap that covered the exposed part of his face - his nose and mouth were covered by a black mask.
Jungkook turned away as the pedestrian light turned red. He stared straight ahead, wondering if he should cross the road now or wait. He glanced back at the figure before quickly turning and rushing across the road.
A small part of him hoped that the person might be the man he's been obsessed with for months: Red. But given the fact that the masked murderer hunts in the day, he figured this couldn't be him. Unless Jungkook has already been hunted. But then again, Jungkook knew when people were following him or looking at him.
Why would he want to be hunted by one of Korea's most notorious psychopaths? Did he have a suicide wish? Well, he definitely didn't have an actual craving for death but he did know that his life will be wasted. He knew he meant nothing to the universe and he was nothing but an insignificant dot on this sad planet and this sad planet was a mere dot in the vast solar system. So, Jungkook had no actual will to live. He had nothing to do with his life as his conditions hindered him from being a functional human being. He couldn't get a job so he lived off his parents' income and his disability check, he couldn't go to school or parties so he's missing out on normal young adult experiences. So what was the point of living when he couldn't truly live?
Plus, it would've been an honour if Red killed him.
Jungkook turned to face the person that was following him. He was met with an empty street. Only one car was parked on the side of the road in front of a convenience store. Jungkook's body somehow stiffened even more as he scanned the area, anticipating the person to jump out and stab or shoot him. Two minutes passed and he was met with complete stillness and silence.
'Just go' he thought to himself. A few more minutes passed before he finally convinced himself to continue walking, clutching his phone tightly in his hand with Dr. Irel's contact on his screen.
---
Word Count: 2713
Thoughts?