SEVEN YEARS AGO
The room is quiet.
It's so quiet that you can hear the clock in the hallway tick.
It's so quiet that you can hear how the breaths leave Lily's mouth.
It's so freaking quiet that if you listen close enough, you can hear my heart absolutely shatter and fall to the floor.
The baby is not yours.
The baby is not yours.
The baby is not yours.
I can feel my chest constrict, tighten. I can feel the shortness of breath coming on. I can feel the tears well up in my eyes.
No.
It has to be a joke.
Lily's eyes are filled with tears and more are streaming down her cheeks.
She's looking at me, not the way you look at someone after you've made a joke.
She looks serious.
She looks like she's broken.
She can't know how broken I feel.
My eyes fall to the car seat, where Lavender is sleeping.
She's not my daughter.
I look back at Lily.
"W –" my voice falters and I clear my throat. "What?"
A series of emotions cross Lily's face.
Her chin quivers.
Five more tears fall from her eyes.
She reaches into her bag.
She pulls out two pieces of paper.
More tears fall from her eyes.
She holds out the papers to me.
She doesn't say anything.
I look from the papers that are being held out to me, to her face.
She's not looking at me anymore. She's looking at her hand, at the ground, anywhere, but at me. She can't even look at me.
She knows how much she's broken me that she can't even look at me.
She thrusts the papers towards me.
I take them.
These are probably the worst papers that I will ever hold in my hand.
My eyes fall on to the big words at the top of the page.
DNA Paternity Test.
It's a document that's been issued on the letterhead of the hospital where Lily gave birth.
Without reading through the page, I look at the next one. It's an identical page.
At the top of the first page, in Lily's handwriting, it says, Marco.
There's a table of words and numbers that I don't understand. At the bottom of the page, there's a blue box.
It says,
Statement of Results
MH is excluded as the biological father of tested child (Lavender White).
The Combined Paternity Index is 0.
The Probability of Paternity is 0%.
If there was anything left in my chest, it falls to the pit of my stomach.
There's no air in the world and I can't breathe.
My daughter isn't my daughter.
I look at the second paper.
At the bottom of the page, in the same blue box, it says,
TS is not excluded as the biological father of tested child (Lavender White).
The Combined Paternity Index is 830,447,562.
The Probability of Paternity is 99.9999%
I can feel my grip on the papers tightening.
"Who's TS?"
My eyes are at the top of the page where my name was written, but there's nothing there.
I raise my eyes to look at her.
She's crying silently.
She looks worried.
"Who's TS?" I ask again.
She opens and closes her mouth a few times before saying, "Tyler Smith."
Tyler Smith.
Tyler.
My frown deepens. "Tyler? Tyler from the debate team? Tyler who you've been practicing debate with? Tyler who came to see you when you gave birth? Tyler who didn't even want to hold the baby?"
"Marco –"
"No. How long?"
"What?"
"How long have you known? How long have you known that I've been looking after another man's child? That I've been loving another man's child?"
"Marco –"
"Tell me how long." My voice breaks. She sobs. "Just please." I don't even recognize my own voice. "How long?"
She inhales deeply. "A week."
The date on the tests give the date for a week ago.
I keep looking between my name and the 0%.
I've never gotten a 0% on any test in my life.
I guess there's a first time for everything.
I don't know for how long I stare at the papers in silence because they disappear and my vision is clouded by hot, angry tears.
I brush my arm across my face.
"Tell me." I look at her. "Tell me how this happened."
She bites down on her lower lip.
"Tell me how I came to believe that someone else's daughter is mine."
She puts a hand out and holds the crib to steady herself.
The crib that I built for who I thought was my daughter.
The crib that I built for the life that was supposed to be mine.
The crib that I built for the girl who was supposed to be the love of my life.
"A few" – she sighs – "A few months ago, after we – after we started going out, you got really busy. You were so occupied. I felt like we were drifting apart. I felt like I was losing you." She wipes her face, but it doesn't help. More tears fall. "My family was a mess. It was falling apart. I didn't have anyone or anything. I was so lonely. The only people I had were the debaters. We hung out a lot. Tyler and I – we got close."
She takes a deep breath.
She looks around the room.
The room that I built.
The room that I built for the future that I was supposed to have.
"We started to hang out without the others. He filled the loneliness I felt when you were gone. I wasn't lonely anymore. He was there."
She looks at me.
I don't even recognize her anymore.
"We started – we started, uh" – she covers her mouth with her hand, squeezing her eyes shut – "It was all a blur. All I know is that the pain was numbed. I wasn't lonely."
My Mom once told me that some people don't know how to be alone and that they will go to extreme measures to make sure that they don't feel alone. She told me that sometimes their judgement gets clouded when they're looking for ways to not feel lonely anymore. She told me that I should feel sorry for them because there are times when we all have to be alone and it should never have to come at the cost of our sanity.
When I told her about Lily's family, she told me that Lily is admirable and that anyone else would have abandonment issues. She told me that people who come from broken families like Lily's sometimes tend to look for safety nets. She told me to keep Lily safe.
I thought I did.
She told me to always be there for Lily.
I thought I was.
Apparently, I was wrong.
When I wasn't there, there was someone else.
She's talking, but I can't hear her.
When my ears finally tune back in, she's saying, "...never wanted to hurt you. One thing led to another. I – I didn't know what to do. I was sure. Marco, I was positive that she was yours."
My eyes raise to look at her slowly.
She looks desperate.
She doesn't understand what I'm feeling.
I know there's still a frown on my face and I have no idea what to do anymore.
"You cheated on me."
The words leave my mouth and she starts crying harder.
"You cheated on me and had a baby."
She sobs.
"I told the father of that baby that he can hold her. I told her father that I give him my permission to hold her. To hold his own daughter."
I can hear her sobs and her gasps.
"And all that time, he knew. He knew that I was with you. He knew that you were with me. More importantly, you knew."
I can't have the compassion that my Mom would want from me. I can't have compassion because Lily broke my heart.
I slide my sweaty palms on my jeans to dry them and my hand moves over that godforsaken box in my pocket.
The box that has the ring.
The ring that I would have proposed marriage with.
The marriage that would have been a sham because I would have been fathering another man's child.
"I'm sorry, Marco. I never – I never wanted to hurt you."
I'm still looking at her, but I can barely see her.
It's like my entire life with Lily is flashing before my eyes, the way people tell you it does when you're about to die.
I guess we're about to die.
Her and me.
She broke me.
She used to be my whole world.
You're not my whole world, Lily.
Not anymore.
You ruined my whole world.
My angel is dead.
The papers are still in my hand. "Does he know?"
Lily looks from the papers to me and nods, slowly.
"How does he know?"
More tears fall from her eyes. "He wanted the paternity test done. Because – because she" – she looks in the direction of the car seat – "She looks ...."
"She doesn't look like me."
There's finality in my statement.
Lily is watching me; following my every move.
"Call him."
She's confused. "What?"
"Is he still in the city? Call him. Tell him to come here."
"Marco –"
"No. Tell him to come here. I want to speak to him. I want to tell him everything that I've learned in the past three weeks that I've been fathering his daughter. He should know how to take care of her."
"Marco –"
"Call him!"
Lily reaches into her bag again. Her hands are shaking.
She takes out her phone.
She looks at me.
She unlocks her phone.
She calls him.
She breaks us.
* * *
He stands inside the house.
The house that I built.
The house that I built for the family that I was supposed to have.
The family that he broke.
The family that she broke.
It's the first time that I properly look at him.
He has dark curly hair and green eyes.
He has dark, curly hair and green eyes.
His daughter is in the car seat that I bought, dark, curly hair surrounding her face while she looks around at the world with green eyes.
I'm an idiot.
I'm blind.
I'm a blind idiot.
He's not talking.
She's not talking.
They're looking at each other from the corners of their eyes.
I take three steps in his direction and hold the papers out to him.
"Congratulations." My tone is dry. "You're a Dad."
He tentatively takes the papers.
"How did you get my DNA?" I ask Lily.
She sniffs. "I swabbed your cheek when you were sleeping."
"How long has this been going on?" I gesture between them.
Tyler looks at Lily. He looks at her like he loves her.
Why wouldn't he?
I loved Lily.
"About a year."
I look at Lily. "We've been together for about one and a half years."
She says nothing.
I turn to him. "And you knew. The whole time that you two were together, you knew about me."
He only looks back at me blankly.
He doesn't look remorseful.
"You took one look at her and knew she was yours." My fists are clenching.
I take a deep breath.
"Your daughter likes baths."
They both look at me.
"She likes the sound of her mother's voice. She hates being too hot or too cold. She always wakes up at around two ten in the morning and when you feed her then, she sleeps till six."
I look at the car seat in which she still lays.
She looks exactly like him.
I'm so blind.
"It's easiest to burp her when you put her on your shoulder. She has one binky that she loves. It has a bear on it. She likes to be swaddled. There's a musical book in her library that she absolutely adores. It calms her down really easily."
"Why are you saying all this?" Lily's voice is shaky.
I look at her. "He should know how to take care of his daughter."
In that moment, I can't stop staring at Lily's face.
I fell in love with her.
She was mine.
Then, she shattered my heart.
She shattered my trust.
She shattered everything that I built for us.
She broke it all.
I want to cry.
I want to cry for the life that I can feel myself losing.
I want to cry for the girl that I can feel myself losing.
I want to wrap her up in my arms and stay with her forever, hoping this is all a terrible nightmare, but when I look at Tyler, it's all real again.
The pain that I feel in the hollow of my chest is real.
The knots that I feel in my stomach are real.
The reality of what I'm losing is setting in.
It took him less than an hour to get here.
He's been here; he's been waiting for his life to be handed back to him; the life that I stole from him the day that Lily came to my apartment to tell me that she's pregnant.
"She's constantly trying to raise her head, so the doctor said that we should try to support her and she'll learn all on her own."
I wipe the base of my palms across my eyes because I can't see anything anymore.
I wipe my face on my t-shirt sleeve.
When I do, I see the house.
I see the house that was supposed to be the home to my family.
It's the home to someone else's family now.
I reach into my pocket and put the key down on the coffee table. "This house is yours. You can do whatever the hell you want with it."
Tyler looks at the key, at me and then at Lily.
Lily is looking at me.
If she hadn't already broken my heart, it would have broken seeing how sad she looks.
I did everything I could to keep you happy.
When did you stop loving me, Lily?
I think I have to stop loving you right now.
I want to hold on so tight, but I have to let go.
I have to let you go, Lily.
You're not mine anymore.
You're a Mom to a daughter.
And I am not the father of that little girl.
"She loves her cow print blanket. She loves to be sung to sleep. I think she's starting to notice colour. She follows you with her eyes."
I sigh.
I look over at the car seat and the baby that I fell in love with the moment I laid eyes on her.
I can't see her because of the tears.
She's not mine.
Not anymore.
She never was.
I've loved some other man's daughter.
Images of her flash before my eyes.
Probably because that part of my life is dying, too.
In the silence that follows what I said, Tyler says, "What else?"
Something inside me snaps.
Before I can tell what I'm doing, I've pushed him against the wall and my hand is around his throat.
"Marco!" Lily sounds surprised.
Maybe, she's worried.
I'm staring dead into Tyler's eyes. I want punch something so badly and it might be so satisfying to punch Tyler.
I can't though.
I can't punch Tyler.
He has her eyes.
He has the eyes that I loved from the moment I saw them.
His daughter has his eyes.
I release my grip around his throat and take a step back.
I look at him and then, at Lily.
I don't know for how long I stare.
Then, I decide that it's time for me to leave.
I look at the baby one more time.
I look at her father.
I look at her mother.
"Goodbye, Lily."
And that, folks, is what happened to Lily and Marco.
I think the next chapter will be really important in understanding Marco, his relationship with his family and with Elliot.
Stay tuned!
As always, don't forget to let me know what you think.
I hope you liked the story so far.
Much love!