"There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but the way out is through," -David Allen
When I wake up it's 11 AM. The previous night we were told that a psych ward called Gracepoint was coming to take me in the morning at 8 AM, so I was surprised to still be there. A nurse comes in and informs us that Gracepoint has decided not to accept me because they heard I didn't want to go and were worried I'd put up a fight.
"That's not helping someone if you reject them the second things start to get difficult," I say.
"I know. I guess this means we have to stay here until they find somewhere for you to go," my mom tells me.
A doctor comes in. She has short red hair and blue eyes.
"Hi, I heard what was going on and I just wanted to say that I went through the same thing with my daughter about 10 years ago. When she came back she was better. The ER is no place for a 14 year old girl, there are sick people everywhere. You guys should just go along with it so that this can be over quickly and you can go home," she says to us.
"Okay. As long as she gets better. I don't want to cause her more harm is all, it's not that I don't want her to go there," my mom explains.
"I understand, but I promise she will be fine and then this can be over," the doctor says.
We wait for a few hours before a nurse finally comes in saying that there is a psych ward called Peace River that has a bed available for me. She says that they had an ambulance ready and I should be able to leave very shortly. They give me a grey robe thing with no buttons or straps or anything like that. They tell me to put it on and that I can only bring necessities with me like a toothbrush, a hairbrush, toothpaste, etc.
"Who's naming these places? I mean come on Gracepoint? Peace River? It sounds like a private catholic all girls school where you're forced to wear ties and blazers"
I just talk to my mom and the nurse for a while before my mom has to run home to get me my things.
"I am so sorry this is happening to you," the nurse who's been watching over me all day says.
"Thanks, it's been rough," I say to her.
I listen to music as I wait for my mom. My dad brought me my phone sometime last night, but not my airpods, so I just play it out loud. A little while later, my mom comes back with a bag full of stuff she thinks I'll need, but still, no airpods. I change into my ugly robe and put on some ugly slippers and get ready to go. I brush my hair so that it's not a mess.
"Just because I'm going to a psych ward, doesn't mean I have to look the part," I say.
Then, the transport people arrive with a stretcher. The doctor explains that they aren't from the hospital or the psych ward and that they just work for the transport company.
"Goodbye mom. My chariot awaits me"
The doctor lady, my mom and the nurse that was watching over me, al crow around me. I lay down on the stretcher as they buckle me in and then just elevate it, like you would with an office chair, so that it's twice the height it was before. I sort of yelp from the sudden height increase. The doctor lady hands me the blanket that the hospital gave me.
The nurse who was watching over me all day waves, smiles, and says "I hope everything goes well for you"
I smile back and wave as they roll me out of the ER and into the ambulance parking area. Then, they find the ambulance that's supposed to transport me and suddenly lower the stretcher. They then pick up the stretcher and load me into the ambulance, locking me in place. The ambulance is weird, it's like a minivan except there are only three seats, two in the front and one in the back next to me, the rest of the space is open to fit a stretcher. I am told that it's about an hour-long ride to the psych ward. It feels weird to think that the first night I spend away from home will be in a psych ward.
"I never really thought ambulances take people to psych wards or anything. I kind of just thought they brought people to the ER," I say to the transport lady sitting next to me.
She has long black hair tied up in a ponytail and a nose piercing.
"Yeah, we also transport people from nursing homes," she replies.
"That's cool. So you guys basically just drive around everywhere as a job"
"Yeah, it's interesting to meet different people and hear their stories. It can be sad sometimes though. Like if we transport someone to a nursing home and they're older it's just sad to see how close they are to death"
"Oh. How many people do you usually get a each day?" I ask out of boredom, curiosity, and simply because I don't want to think about where I'm going.
"It depends. Some days we go from place to place picking people up all day. Today, we only had one person before you"
"Oh, seems like a cool job"
"Yeah, it's kind of like being on a road trip all the time. One time one of our teams were sent all the way to Texas"
"Wow"
"Yeah, I was sent to a psych ward when I was 16. I came out better it helped me"
"Oh I guess I'm just really nervous. This is my first time away from home for so long"
"Oh dang, they shouldn't keep you there for very long. When I went I was only there for a few days, granted that was years ago, but I don't think they've changed that much"
I nod and look out the window. We talk for a little while then fall into silence and I just look out the window for the rest of the drive. When we finally arrive at the psych ward it's dark out. I see a big sign that says Peace river. I realize this is it, I'm here whether I like it or not. They take me out of the ambulance on the stretcher and knock on the door. A man comes out. He's wearing one of those long white doctor coats and has glasses on. He's tall and has white hair.
"Is this the 15 year-old or the 17 year-old?" the doctor asks the transport people. He has a very dull and bored voice, like he's sick of eveything.
"Um she's 14. We brought her from Oakhill hospital. This is the address we were given," the transport lady that was sitting with me says as the other woman shows the doctor a piece of paper.
"Oh, you're at the wrong Peace River. She's supposed to go to the new one"
I feel slightly relieved that I have another ambulance ride before I have to actually go into a psych ward.
That is, until the transport lady asks, "Well can she stay here or can you give us the address of the one she has to go to?"
"Um let me check for availability"
He goes inside. It's cold outside and I wrap myself in the blanket. I'm still laying in the stretcher and it's been surprisingly comfortable. The doctor comes back out.
"We can take her here and the other two can go to our other facility since it's newer and more equipped for larger amounts of patients"
"Okay, I'll call my boss and let her know so that she contact the other transport teams," the lady who was driving says.
"Okay, I just have to go get some paperwork together and I'll be right out"
We wait for him to come back out. The lady who was driving calls her boss.
"I'll tell them to call your mom so that she knows where you are," the lady I sat with says.
I thank her and we continue to wait for the doctor. He finally comes back out and they help me out of the stretcher. I follow the doctor inside as he signs some paperwork with the transport people. The lady who sat with me says goodbye and wishes me luck. I nervously stand in the hallway as the doctor gets ready to lead me into the psych ward. There's a nurse who looks like a stick standing in the corner of the hallway. We walk into the main part of the psych ward once the doctor gets my papers together.
"I'm going to go find a female doctor, sit in that room," he tells me.
I walk over to the room he pointed at.
"Ugh, I don't like kids," I hear a woman say.
"Well I need a female to check her," the doctor who brought me in says.
Then, an Indian woman walks in. She's wearing the same white coat as the other doctor and looks like she'd rather be anywhere but here.
She starts off by asking me a series of questions such as:
"Are you currently doing drugs?"
"Do you drink alcohol?"
"Are you in a relationship?"
"Have you ever been abused in any way, shape, or form?"
"Do your parents do drugs or drink alcohol?"
(etc.)
To which I reply, "No!" wondering why she's asking me all this.
She then asks me to strip down so that they can ensure that I don't have anything on me I shouldn't. Then, she tells me to sit down.
"You're a very pretty girl why would you do what you did? Don't do it again, you have a life to live, you must live for your family. Another thing is, don't have a boyfriend until you are older and then, make sure your family approves before you marry him. Don't even hold hands before marriage, if you do life isn't worth living anymore because you wouldn't be pure. Men are bad they like to destroy pretty girls like you. Don't let them. Okay now follow me out to the office"
I nod my head and smile as I think to myself: Who hurt this woman?
When I get to the office they ask me more procedural questions. The office is like a room in the middle of a room. It has two doors on each side and is made up mainly of glass so that they can see the patients. It looks like a psych ward does in the movies, people banging on the windows asking for more drugs, people screaming and yelling, people walking around just looking at you weird. Once I'm done in the office, a nurse leads me to the kids wing. They show me to my room and point out which bed is mine. Then, they lead me to the main room where the other kids are. They all look at me when I walk in.
"What's your name?" one of the girls asks me.
"Valentina," I reply.
"So, what did you do to get in here?"
"I took a bunch of meds I wasn't supposed to"
"We're all here because we tried to kill ourselves or harm somebody," one of the boys say to me.
"You can take your mask off, we've all been tested for corona," the girl tells me.
For the next hour we just sit around and watch TV. They only let us watch kids movies. Then, at 9:30 it's lights out. I start to go back to the room I apparently share with the girl who spoke to me earlier. I'm right outside my door when a red-haired girl walks up to me.
"Hi, I'm Kayla. I just wanted to say that I think you have really pretty hair. I wish my hair was like that. But like, the same color as mine," she tells me.
"Thanks, you have really pretty hair too," I respond.
"Can I touch it?" she asks me.
"Um, sure"
"It's so soft"
"Thanks. Um, goodnight."
"Goodnight"
I walk over to my bed.
"Um, that's my bed," I hear someone say.
I turn and see that it's the girl that first spoke to me.
"Oh sorry, I can move-"
"No, it's fine I'll just take the other bed"
"Okay"
I lay down on my bed and face the wall, realizing that I'm exhausted but can't sleep. Behind me I hear the two girls talking to each other across the hallway. One of the staff people tell them to stay in their rooms. A doctor comes in to take check our vitals. After he leaves I lay back down and try to sleep. When it's apparent that I can't sleep I sit up and look over at my roommate.
"Hi, I'm Alyssa. What's your name?" she asks me.
"I'm Valentina," I reply.
"That's a pretty name"
"Thanks, you have a pretty name too. So why are you here?"
"My mama called the cops and told them I tried to kill myself by jumping out of a moving car. But, the car was stopped and I walked out because she tried to take my phone. She don't even pay for it. I live with my grandma and she pays for my phone."
"Oh, dang"
"Yeah. So, why'd you try to kill yourself?"
''I just had a rough day I guess"
We talk for a little while before I decide to go to sleep. I hear Alyssa and Kayla talking to each other across the hallway. When I look over I see them sitting in the doorways across from each other. I start to cry thinking, if only I had chosen differently I would be at home with my family. I think about how much I miss being in my own bed. I fall asleep looking at the colorful geometric window in our room.