May 15, 2001
It was midnight.
Her academic finals were over she needed to rest, but Jaclyn knew her mind would not stop enough for her to sleep, so she wasn't giving it the option to think at all. She turned around the studio focusing only on how dizzy she was getting.
She never wanted to leave the safety of the studio.
Out there people thought scandalous things of her, they laughed because finally William was over her. Everyone seemed to celebrate her misery. The walls she had to put up to keep the world out were torn down as she moved around the room. There wasn't even music, but her surroundings had disappeared long ago, and music was leading her in her head.
The rational side of her knew how foolish she was being, her nerves extra alert, her stomach was constantly rolling waiting for someone else to hurt her. It was dramatic, and careless to worry so much that she got sick over everything, but she was so hurt she didn't know how to stop. For days now she had ate nothing but apples and nuts those being the only things she could keep down.
Her ankle almost gave out when she landed a leap, a clear sign it was time to stop. Ms. Lewis let her stay because she trusted her to lock up and leave at a decent time, but when she stopped she started to think too much.
Without movement it was:
You're not as good as they think, they know you're weak and because you're weak you'll fail. You'll never be a dancer, why would anyone want someone like you? William has realized you're nothing special, he's leaving you for someone better. And one day they'll all tire of your emotional state
Eventually her eyes grew heavy to match the weight of her aching body, and she spiralled to the floor finding comfort against the cool marley. That was how she was found early the next morning for third time in a row.
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I won't cry when you say goodbye
I'm out of tears
I won't die when you wave goodbye
I'm out of tears, out of tears
The stage lights burned their skin, but the three girls kept moving. They were synchronized spirits. Natania and Katie Marie latched onto Jaclyn's arms before she tipped over. The words of the Rolling Stones song hit close to home, and she knew them so well she could sing them and not miss a beat.
I won't drink, I won't eat
I can't hear, I won't speak
Let it out, let it in
All this pain from within
It was pathetic really if she thought about it, there wasn't time to consider that for too long.
Jaclyn danced swiftly with the other two girls all of them executing the articulate movements cleanly. She felt just enough from her heart to perform, but not too much to become sloppy.
And I just can't pour my heart out to another living thing
I'm a whisper, I'm a shadow
But I'm standing up to sing
The dance ended Katie Marie being left on stage watching as Jaclyn and Natania walked away leaving her alone. In many ways it was symbolic for them. Nat and her would be leaving, and Katie would be stepping up into a more active role. She was talented and she had been put into a dance with the two third years to push her that extra bit. Glancing back at her stage presence Jaclyn would say it worked.
"Okay ladies, notes backstage." The three girls gathered around Ever. Their first Choreographer was a power house, but nearly as small as Natania. She wore the same black bandana over her head everyday along with those hard shoes that every dance teacher wore.
"Jackie, it's really good," Ever said going over her notebook, "your emotions are really selling the story. Just remember to tip more off your axis in that lateral hold." Jaclyn nodded. She had been playing it safe with Ever's more modern steps. They required her to throw herself off her center of balance something she was still getting used to.
"Nat your solo part close to the end is near excellent, but in the beginning I need you to focus more on the timing of the three step turn section. It goes: la dee-dee, la dee-dee, la dee-doe. Katie I really need you to give me more during the last bit of the dance, that's the point where we all start to lose our steam, but it's the most powerful part. Other than that I think your lines are spectacular through the whole piece."
In Ever's mind it was important to compliment them while giving them a correction at the same time. She believed it stemmed better concentration. The short haired woman looked around as if lost herself, but then gestured for the three girls to get going, "Unless you have another number you're free to go."
Technically all three of them were in Giselle which would come after, but tonight they only had dress rehearsal for the first two acts.
As Jaclyn was leaving she heard two girls speaking in hushed voices in the wings. "Do you think he ever really loved her?" Her eyes shamelessly ran over Jaclyn," Have you seen the pictures of him and Jecca? If he did he doesn't anymore."
Jaclyn could faintly hear Natania racing after her, but she couldn't talk, but right now. He still hadn't called her back, and now their words were eating away at her. She couldn't have someone else tell her the truth of it all, to make it real, so instead she ran.
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May 18, 2001
Her technique finals had gone off without a hitch. It felt like a normal Friday in a sense with technique, partnering, and modern all back to back; except they had to perform combos three at a time while their instructors scrutinized them.
Jaclyn had been strong and consistent throughout the morning, but stuck to double turns and only balanced long enough for her to get good marks. It wasn't the day to take risks and screw up.
Now all she had to think about was Spring Showcase, where all the directors of professional companies would be watching, and meeting her family at the airport in an hour.
As she was exiting the studio a hand landed on her shoulder and stopped any advance. Natania was stretching to hold her back, but the look in her eyes would have been enough to make Jaclyn freeze. "So you want to tell me what's going on?"
"I don't know what-"
"Cut the crap, Jaclyn," Natania heaved she wasn't mad, but she was close, "all week I've been going back to the room by myself, waking up by myself, and you're not telling me anything! Usually, I try to wait because I know it takes you time to work through things but I'm worried about you Jac." Her eyes looked her tall friend over as her hands ran over her tense shoulders. "You look half dead; your eyes are about to bleed out, and I haven't seen you this pale since our last winter in Illinois."
Jaclyn exhaled sharply one hand patting at her constricted lungs while the other wiped the excessive sweat from her forehead. Natania's hand slid down to Jaclyn's wrist, but after a second she squeezed tighter trying to find any sign of a pulse. It was there, but it was slow.
"Jac, when was the last time you ate something?" Natania asked, "If this is about you smacking Emma then I'll say it again. She deserved-"
"It's not about that," Jaclyn groaned, she didn't need this talk, not right now. So, she pulled away from Natania and made her way to the exit blinking to clear her eyes. She had places to be.
The second Jaclyn stepped outside she wished she hadn't.
The lights of the photographers by the doors set her eyes on fire, and she would have gotten sick at how close they closed in on her if there was anything in her stomach. They were shouting, but she couldn't make anything out, too horrified by the black dots closing her vision that matched the rhythmic pound in her head.
It became too much to handle; the pressure of dance, William, the lack of sleep, the paparazzi. It seemed the only thing her body could do would be to shut down, she hadn't even gotten ten feet from the school when she felt faint.
As her body sagged to the ground and the world closed out around her in a black blanket. It was horrifying, but a soft feminine voice whispered to her, "It's all going to be alright, I'm here with you."
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Another chapter! I promise everything will start to resolve soon. Please let me know what you think and what you're predictions are.