Sirius had to hear Remus crying, for hours. It didn't start right away. Sirius expected he was waiting for Sirius to go to sleep. But there was no way Sirius could, he felt sick. How could he say that, why was he acting like that. He didn't deserve Remus in any capacity. And here Remus who hadn't done anything wrong was sobbing quietly into his pillow, over his words.
So both boys looked sleep deprived the next morning as the sun streamed into the dormitory. At first James and Peter did not notice anything, but before the boys headed to breakfast Remus cleared his throat as if to speak and everyone turned to look at him.
"So I've been thinking, about the full moon this week" Remus said and their was an awkwardness but resolution to his tone "and it is too dangerous, I don't want you guys there."
For a full thirty seconds there was silence as if everyone was excepting him to say he was joking. Everyone was still mid getting ready, Peter was slippping his shoes on, James was spreading the annoying amount of time on his hair he always did, and Sirius was closest to the door ready to go, but he moved his hand from the hand doorhandle and move back to his bed to sit down before he did something stupid like pass out or throw up.
"We are coming." James said like a fact "you're off it of course we are coming."
"It's dangerous for you guys to be there." Remus repeated unconvincing.
"It's dangerous for you to be there on your own! We spent all last year becoming Animagus in to help you, and it's been working." Sirius intergeted passionately remembering how much worse Remus injuries were before the friends became Animagus. "Don't be daft Remus."
"Oh so I'm daft now too." Remus said with a bit of edge in his voice that was rare for him.
"Too?" James said his gazing looking between to two.
"He's right though" Peter said "They'll chain you up again Moony."
"I dont care it's better this way." Remus said crossing his arms and avoiding eye contact with everyone.
James walked over to Remus, and put a hand on his shoulder, which forced Remus to look up at him.
"Remus don't do this okay. Just tell us what's wrong please. We can help you. We've been through this before we didn't think you were a monster when we found out you were a werewolf or when you came out. We are your friends we want to help. We won't judge you." James said and he was clearly desperate. And Sirius knew Remus was thinking that what James said wasn't true, cause Sirius had been so harshly judging him. "Please this could kill you."
"I'll be fine" Remus said shrugging off James' hand though Sirius could tell it hurt him a little "I'm going to breakfast."
He turned and left leaving a stunned and desperate room behind him. The group just looked at each other for a moment stunted unable to speak. Remus was usually the senesable one. Telling them not to land their brooms on the roof of the school, or practice hexes on each other. But now here he was insisting on perhaps the most dangerous thing any of them had ever come up with. And it was all Sirius' fault.
"He is gonna get himself killed" James said in a tone of disbelief. The other two just nodded still shocked "we all remember how much worse his injuries were before right, like this is insane."
"It's his choice" Sirius said grimly.
"No it's bloody not." James said a little angry now "Let's just go anyways. We know were he will be, we can help."
"If we do that, he might just drop out, or start going home for full moons, so he won't have Dumbledore or Madame Pompfrey and it'll be even more dangerous." Sirius said rationally, which was difficult for him cause his feelings where making him incredibly irrational. He had never hated himself more, his parents were right about everything. He'd disappointed them, hurt them, and now he was doing the same. The only difference was this time the person he hurt didn't deserve any pain, he deserved only kindness.
"We worked so hard to become animagus" Peter whined in a vaguely annoyed voice that made Sirius want to yell about how Remus could die and he was being selfish, but he didn't cause it wasn't Peter's fault it was his.
Eventually the friends went down to breakfast, but Remus wasn't there. James asked Lily if she'd seen him but she just shook her head. So eventually they resigned and ate. Well the others are, Sirius only pushed his food around not sollowing a bite, he didn't deserve food. No one really talked, Peter started some awkward conversation but him and James weren't in the mood. Eventually Sirius just went to his detention saying a quiet see you to his friends.
He spent his detention scrubbing trophies and worrying about his friend, if he could even call him that anymore. He made it up in his mind to tell Remus he wouldn't come but to let the other guys, Remus was only mad at him surely he would let James and Peter come. After a couple hours of mindless scrubbing Mcgonagail gave him a speech about responsibility, and all that bs she always did, and Sirius' nodded at all her pauses until she finally let out a sigh.
"Okay Black you can go" She said defeated but before he could wait she added "Wait, is Mr.Lupin alright?"
"I'm sorry?" He asked surprised in all of his hundreds of detentions not once had a professor asked after any of Sirius friends.
"He seems unhappy." Mcgonagail said in a matter of fact way but with a hint of caring.
"Yeah," Sirius muttered miserably "I think he is"
There was an awkward silence in the room as clearly wonder what Sirius meant or if Sirius had anything to add. But Sirius just awkwardly kicked his feet at the ground. Eventually she just sighed again and let Sirius go.
When Sirius was in the hallway he was met with another relatively unpleasant surprise. Leaning against the wall opposite the trophy room book in hand was Lucy. She looked up when he came out and smiled at him warmly which made Sirius suspicious.
"Hey" she said closing her book and pushing herself off the wall gracefully.
"What?" Sirius asked knowing he was being rude but honestly being absolutely done with this day.
"You alright?" she said, and they took stride down the hallway together, their was no one around so they made no effort in pretending they were together, and walked with a lot of space between them.
"Sorry," he mumbled gruffly "bad day. Remus is doing something he shouldn't and I'm worried."
"Aren't you like the king of doing things you shouldn't. Why would you care if he did?" She asked, they seemed to be making their way to the grounds so neither of them had discussed it. The air was very cold and instantly Sirius was shivering.
"I don't do things like this" Sirius muttered darkly.
"Well it's good to know you have limits" she said "But I came to find you cause I actually have some good news"
"Oh?" Sirius said unconvinced.
"Yeah we can officially break up." She said.
"What?" Sirius asked turning to her, due to the cold the grounds where completely empty but Lucy still shhed him as his voice got louder "why?"
"Bella says no one is talking anymore, and she doesn't exactly like me spending time with you to be honest. And so we decided it should be fine if we break up" she put air quotes around break up. Sirius was awestruck and for some reason very upset.
"But we can't! People will talk!" He said, they got to a tree by the lake and sat a fair distance from each other. Sirius didn't even have a coat and was only in a light muggle sweater, and was shivering terribly.
"Yeah but that's kinda the point. And why would you care it's already you're reputation." Lucy said she was scowling slightly now "I thought you'd be happy about this."
"I've been vouching for you with my friends. This will be humiliating!" Sirius exclaimed his frustration growing with every aspect of his life.
"Why did you agree to this?" Lucy leveled in a way that reminded Sirius of Lily. There wasn't any skirting around with her. She knew Sirius was keeping something from him, and now she wanted to know what it is. Sirius thought about trying to lie one more time, just say one more time he had wanted to help, but he knew that Lucy was too smart for that anymore.
"I don't know" Sirius said turning his gaze to the lake, and fully letting everything wash over him, and once all the hurt, anger, and sadness washed away he was left with exhaustion. He felt so tried it was like his body, and mind were decaying. "To hide from my problems I guess. But it only made everything worse."
Sirius collapsed against the ground, which only made him colder. The grass was dewy so his whole body instantly became wet. But he didn't care. He didn't care about much anymore.
"Im sorry." She said and her tone seemed genuine "I'm sorry if you helping me made things worse."
"It isn't your fault. I'm the one who went and ruined my life, along with all the people I care about." Sirius said.
"You can fix it." Lucy said with an unearned confidence.
"How do you know." Sirius said.
"I'm in Ravenclaw, so we spend a lot of time, thinking, a lot of time studying. And honestly if it's taught me anything, it's that life is way more simple then we make in our own heads. You can spend your whole life searching for what happiness is in its most pure psychological form or you can accept the things in your life that make you happy, like warm cup of tea, or a stupid joke from your friend, or the way the sunlight feels when it hits your skin. You're situation might be painful, I'm not trying to take that away from you, but it might not be as complex as you think. Just be honest, with others, and be honest with yourself."