TW/// suicide, suicidal thoughts
It's kind of crazy to think that two days ago I was in that place; that last week was full of the feelings I should not have. And yet now as I write I can no longer recall.
I can not recall the deep pain within my heart that felt more present and powerful than usual. I can not explain the desire to vanish and to never be or have been. I can not explain how it all hit me at once.
There are things I can only feel and this is one of them. In the heat of the moment, in the week in this case and during the month other times all I can do is bury the hatchet deeper into my scars. Yet the moment I am out, that feeling is so indescribable, gone for ever, lost behind time. While I know there was a heaviness in my heart, I cannot recall how it feels, how it felt. I simply am left with the pieces of a body that is empty and a soul that is hungry for death and what to do with it? What should I do with it?
I hold onto them until the next time emptiness decides she wants a friend. We are never really okay but we can pretend and so pretend is what we do.
What will I do when I can no longer pretend? Who will pick up the pieces and promise me a better end?
***
I hope this wasn't too sad.
Remember to follow my Instagram @gentlestepsnyc! I promise I am wayyyy more consistent on there.
~ Have you ever been to Six Flags?
Sending you hope and love,
D.O.