Chapter 10:
Madness wants to have tea with me
Insanity wants to kiss me
I am being courted by everything
That will only bring ruin
ruin, ruin
Ah... ruin it all.
The sky was lit by the full moon and millions of stars. A wind blew through the grass, creating the background music of rustles breezing through the air. In the distance, a few trees danced, their branches sheltering the robins and nightingales that were singing.
Rezel let me towards the clearing of trees; it was a meadow and the bright moonlit sky with all its stars let me take in the sight of the hills in the distance around us. The wind grazed by, making the grass sway, sometimes like dominoes as it passed us. When I turned towards Rezel, he was watching my hair flow in the wind and I gave him a small smile. He parted his lips then to speak.
"Do you like long hair, storyteller?"
I tilted my head at this sudden question. Long hair? Let's see. I have long hair and so do most women that I've met but they usually keep it tied and styled. Cassian is also someone with long hair. And honestly, it's way too pretty. I keep wanting to touch it when I'm with him, but I hide the urge away in my drawer of fangirling thoughts.
"Yeah," I nodded, "I do." Rezel didn't reply and sat down, so I followed, sitting on the grass near him.
"How's Ilaria been?" We looked at the scenery ahead of us. It was still unreal, that I was suddenly getting to see things like this. There were huge hills in the distance, towering over the valleys, like mighty beings. I wonder how much life is living in them?
"Ilaria's been good. I... I feel good these days." I glanced at him for a second. He was watching the mountains with me. "It's not that I feel perfect all of a sudden. It's more like... waves? There are good days and there are bad days, like always, but somehow... the good days feel better than I remembered." I shrugged. "I still feel empty. Always have. But... maybe it's not all that bad?" Then I grinned. "That's for now. Who knows when I'll get dragged down again. It'll hurt like a bitch. Will I even survive?" I glanced at him again and now he was looking at me. He held out a finger, pointing towards something in the distance behind me and curiously I turned back. My eyes adjusted in the dim natural light, seeing what looked like some plant a few steps away from us. The moonlight seemed to form a glowing outline on its leaves, and I could see a tiny little bud growing.
"It's the moonflower I told you about," Rezel murmured and I continued to watch it.
"The one that only blooms once a year?" I asked and he hummed from behind me.
"Let's come here often, storyteller."
I don't know why. That made me smile. I liked something about us. How he didn't react to my words with anything negative or something positive that I wouldn't be able to relate to anyway. But at the same time, he let me know in his own way... that he wanted me around. That he brought me here for this. Sometimes, it's nice to just be honest and let it out. It wouldn't be the same for everyone but... I liked this.
"What if it blooms but we're not here?" I turned around to question him and he let out a little laugh, lolling his head down to look at the grass he was playing with.
"Then it sucks for us."
I snickered too and watched him with a smile.
"Yeah... but I'll be happy to come here with you anyway."
He glanced at me while still facing down. Then he smiled softly.
"I'll be happy to look forward to it with you. I'll tell the tree sprites to call me when it blooms."
We were quiet for a moment as we took in the moment, the place we were in. Then I whispered quietly.
"Come."
I patted my thigh softly, watching him; telling him it was time. He was still for a moment. Then he took a breath and threw the grass he was playing with. He removed the robe he was wearing and put it around my shoulder; it was a long flowy, exotic looking banyan robe. I snuggled into it as he turned and laid down, resting his head on my lap. I tenderly stroked his hair, his forehead and though he was looking into my eyes for a moment, he now shut them tightly, as if it was hard for him to talk.
"I don't think I'm made for this."
These words were spoken softly, but still his voice sounded a little harsh. As if he was pushing them out of his throat.
"When I said... I want to run away, I meant it. One day, I'll really do it. I have to. Before I die here."
I didn't say anything; just continued to gently stroke his hair.
"I can't do it. I can't see myself capable of living like this. I want to. More than anything. I want to do it, I want to be it. But, storyteller, one day I woke up and everything was just... black. It was so dark. You know how you can see a bit into the future? How you can see yourself just existing, breathing, eating, talking or doing anything at all? One day I woke up and... I couldn't even see myself breathing. Like I didn't exist. I wasn't existing, it was all black, there was no future to think of." Rezel sighed, his eyes still tightly shut. I reached out my other hand to hold onto his. He was thinking of that moment he felt that. He was shaking. "It... was scary."
I knew what he was talking about. I felt like I would start shaking too. I still had a trauma about that moment. I hated thinking about it. After a moment, Rezel continued. I thought about it. How hurt this child must have been... He never did tell me what exactly it was, his problem. Told me to stop asking, so I did. There must be a reason for it, but fuck. I hated whatever it was that was hurting him. I hated it so much.
"I used to want for so much. I still do now, but it's just me being greedy for things, none of which I deserve."
A tear fell down the side of his side, rolling across his cheekbone that was softly illuminated in the moonlight. He looked so fragile in that moment. So delicate... but at the same time, this was the boy who had the world on his shoulders. But he wasn't Atlas. He was Rezel.
I know because I've felt the same.
"I used to be so bright. I felt like I could do anything if I just put my mind to it." A bitter grin tore through his lips and he opened his eyes just slightly to look at me. "But I can't even put my mind to anything anymore."
He wiped his eyes, his voice turning a little harder, as if he was getting himself together. But it quivered. "I wonder where he went?" he shrugged. "That bright and young kid. Who felt like he had the world in his hands."
I took his hand, pulling it towards me and he looked at me. I placed it against my lip, pressing a soft kiss onto it. "The kid is right here. He's just hiding for a while. It just got too tiring for a bit. But he's there and he's waiting for you. Until you're ready, he'll always wait for you. After all," I kissed him again and smiled softly. "You are that kid."
I didn't know if I was just talking bullshit. I didn't know if my words would help him at all. But I believed it and it was the most hopeful thing I could say. I didn't know if it would help him but...
Rezel moved his hand from my grip, sliding it to my cheek and held me tenderly. His fingers were so warm and felt so nice. He leaned a little forward, lifting his head just a little as he spoke.
"When I said that I want to run away... I meant it. I have to, before I die here."
He repeated his words from before. I murmured his name. "Rezel..."
"You just... when it's time... when you feel like it," he spoke, as if he was thinking as the words fell out. He continued, his thumb caressing my cheek.
"Let me know. I'll come get you. We can go together. I'm not saying we should... but that we can, storyteller. I'll take you with me. No, we can go together. I..."
The wind blew by, bringing locks of my hair forward. They flew gently, then turbulently and Rezel continued to watch me.
"I'll wait for you."
Then his hand fell back down. "I'll be here."
We were quiet again. Rezel turned his head to watch the scenery of the mountains again. I thought of what to say. I understood him. But I didn't know what to say. I was never comforted in a way that helped anyway. Not by words. I didn't know any magic words. What did I do when I felt this fucked up? In fact, I was feeling fucked up right now. Ah... I guess there were these magic words.
I placed my fingers on his cheek and he turned to looked at me. I parted my lips then closed them. Was this the right thing to say? What if he was expecting some words? But I don't have any. This is what I always did when I felt like this. So I pressed my lips and spoke anyway.
"Want to go get drunk?"
Rezel blinked at me. I almost regretted saying it. But then he grinned. Then he laughed.
"I was just thinking of asking you the same thing."
Oh fuck. Ah... I joined in the laughter. Hah, fuck. Of course. When we met tonight, I was of the mind that I'd like being sober with him tonight. After all, it had been so long. It's only proper, and more healthy and good. But fuck, it had been too long. Who am I kidding? This is us. We're the fucked up ones; does it matter if we were being improper? Neither of us care. We both know what we want.
And it's to fuck off this thing in our heads, even if just for a moment.
"Getting together after so long and not getting wasted?" I snickered. "As I thought, that's not like us at all."
"Fuck, you're right. Why didn't we do this earlier?" He chuckled and just as we stood up, he reached out and grabbed my hand, holding it tightly. He looked at me with that grin of his. "This is what we do." And we disappeared from that beautiful meadow with trees and nature and that unnamed moonflower and that big moon with all those clouds, and that view of the hills. Instead, we were now at the backyard of a pub. In no time, we were by a table, drinking, drinking, drinking.
I wondered if this was a toxic thing. The us that didn't care and just drowned their problems like this. But we were toxic people anyway. You can't call us good or healthy or anything.
What was it again? Good things... ah, broken things, yeah. You can't expect broken things to work perfectly.
The music picked up and snickering, Rezel and I got away from our table and danced. The dance floor was full of people and we didn't care who we were dancing with, though we did end up dancing with each other the most. I remember this moment I felt his arm around my waist and mine were wrapped around his neck. Our bodies were so close; so close and so warm. It felt funny. I remember we laughed the most when we were with each other. And Rezel leaned down to whisper in my ear, "You look good in my robe."
Ah. I was still wearing his long robe around me. It felt so comfortable and warm and... it did have his scent. It felt so... fitting. I smiled cheekily at him. "You're not getting it back."
He chuckled. "You're a thief, storyteller."
I shrugged and he twirled me around, the robe flying in the wind. And this time when he pulled me close, he furrowed his brows at my ear. "Where's your earring?"
"Oh?" I frowned, tilting my head and poking around to feel my earring, but it wasn't there. "Did it fall out?"
"That shouldn't be... you're amazing, storyteller, removing that so easily." He looked impressed and then shook his head. "Truly a thief, having me supply you with so many things..." He sighed exaggeratedly and I clicked my tongue at him.
"Do you think I'm getting it for free? Do you think it's easy remembering all those stories and to tell them so clearly to you?" Gosh, it was actually a headache. I worked hard for those plants and to get to this point in our relationship, especially how twisted this guy liked to act. Gosh.
"Alright, alright. You deserve it all. Everything. This too." And he opened his fist to show me something really beautiful. It was a rose shaped stone, with petals and everything carved like an actual little blooming rose pendant. It was a necklace. I gasped at this sight, and how the light reflected off those little petals.
"Rezel..." Even in my intoxication, I was too afraid to reach out and touch it, in case it might shatter. It looked so beautiful and delicate... But Rezel just pulled me even closer and leaned down. His hands reached around me, his fingers at the back of my neck, tying the necklace to me, as if he was tying himself to me.
"Be careful with it," I murmured. "It looks so soft."
But Rezel just scoffed, slightly amused but annoyed at the same time. "You're the one who needs to be careful. Why are your powers like this when your father is the marquess of Ilaria?"
I clicked my tongue at him. "Hey, cut it out, I'm sensitive about that."
"Sorry, sorry. I'm sorry, storyteller." He murmured softly, still by my ear as his fingers fumbled with my hair and my necklace. He could have asked me to hold it aside but anway. It was almost as if we were hugging and perhaps it was the alcohol but it wasn't awkward at all. It was comfortable, like he could be doing this forever and I wouldn't mind.
I thanked him and we laughed and danced and talked for a little more time. Then I felt like another drink so I stumbled to the bar. As I waited for my drink, I clenched and unclenched my fingers. They were tingly; numb. Being numb was a good sign.
The bottle came and I immediately took a swing from it; the alcohol bitter and burning my nose. Through the corner of my eye, I saw the guy beside me watching me. He looked surprised and impressed at how I'd drank that shit. I laughed. I giggled at the sight like a lunatic and leaned in to talk over the music. I told him,
"I used to be depressed; this is nothing!"
And laughing all the way, I went back to Rezel who was now seated by our table, to tell him about what just happened.
"Did you know that," he mumbled as his eyes gazed into mine, "When you get drunk, your eyes get all droopy."
I widened my eyes, pulling at my cheeks to make them bigger and he snickered. It was a lovely sound that I liked hearing. I should do more stupid things maybe. What did he say? When I'm drunk my eyes get droopy.
"As if they're tired of staying open."
***
It'll get better, sorry if it's repetitive and that they're always getting drunk. It really is just how they are. Tbh I relate to Rezel so much and I can't help but love him because shit that hurts.