We spent the rest of the night talking about how we felt that week, how miserable each one was. We both haven't slept in days but we also didn't feel like it now that we finally have each other again. For the first time in days, I'm feeling happy, I'm not feeling tired at all and neither does Luke.
I never thought that Luke would be so devastated without me and I never thought that I almost couldn't breathe without him, in a non-toxic way, in a non-cliché way, in a way that my mental and physical health where beating me up and I didn't have any control over it. I missed him so much but it's not like I can't live without him, I lived without him before and I could do it again if this doesn't work out - although I really want it to work - but I felt so bad for doing that to someone that cares so bad for me and I care so much about, that I was mentally beating me up for doing such thing and that led to an awful week. It certainly wasn't awful just because of that, I missed having him beside me cause I never cared for someone - besides my family - like I care about him and the thought of losing him was killing me from inside out, but in the end, I just want him to be happy, even if that means that he's with someone else and not me. That was the moment that I knew that I really love him. Loving is caring for someone so much at the point that you want that person to be happy at all times, even if that means that you are going to be sad for a while - because, realistically you're not going to be sad, you're going to be happy that the person you love is happy, that's what true love is... is letting go when you know you aren't making the other person happy anymore, even if it hurts you. In the end, I knew that I still made him happy for a while, even if in the end, I hurt him but he wasn't the only one hurt. He also hurt me.
At the end of the night, we both acknowledged that we hurt each other mutually and we were now trying to solve things, trying to better our communication... trying to better ourselves for each other but especially, for ourselves, we needed to grow mentally too and this week thought us a lot in that sense.
This week I had several anxiety attacks that left me crying on the floor for hours, almost out of air and no one knew. I battled them myself, trying to control what was uncontrollable and that was one of the things that I knew that helped me grow this week. I battled something that tormented me for years, all alone. The more I thought about how much I hurt Luke, the more uncontrollable the attacks would get - some left me tearless from how many hours I spent crying - and more painful too. However, when I thought about my moments with him, even back when I still hated him, they would be more controllable because I would get distracted from all the pain... because I was thinking about the moments when we were happy.
Luke also told me that if it wasn't Calum, he was probably still laying in his bed, staring at the ceiling and crying, sleep-deprived, and without eating for another day... another week, who knows how long. At this moment, I'm so grateful that Calum helped him and helped us! Calum is a great guy, such a sweetheart and whoever ends up with him is going to be probably one of the luckiest persons alive.
×××××
It's now 10 am and we still haven't sleep. We talked for hours and at one moment, we laid in my bed, facing each other and just contemplating everything. I was thinking about how lucky I am at this moment, to have Luke here with me and I know he was thinking the same thing. We didn't have to say that to each other because even the blindest person when it comes to love, could tell that from the looks in our eyes. We laid in silence for hours and it wasn't weird at all, in fact, it was calming, even heartwarming. We both needed that moment of peace after the Storm of a week we both had. Because before a Storm, there's always peace, but even after the darkest and rainiest one, we can still find peace.
-Do you want to eat something? You look like a breadstick. -I break the silence after so long, trying to make a joke.
-I always look like a breadstick. But, I think I could some food now. It's been a while since the last time I've eaten and I'm pretty sure food can pass my throat now that I don't have this massive knot in it. -He smiles. I know that he was also trying to make a joke out of it but it sounded so dark... so sad. It made me think that I was the reason why he hasn't eaten in so long, and I'm kinda right.
-Come with me. -I grab his hand and we both couldn't help but smile at the feeling of our skins touching each other again, after so long.
I push him down the stairs to the kitchen where my brother was sitting in front of a full table.
-Wow, not even on my anniversary there's so much food on the table. -Luke says, and we both laugh, following by the laugh of Cameron.
-I thought that you both could use some food in your systems. You look terrible. If that's what love looks like, I don't want to ever be in love. -My brother says, laughing. -I'm kidding with you guys. But seriously, you both need to eat or when you step outside, you're going to fly with the wind. I made pancakes, some toasts, eggs, and bacon because I don't know what kind of food Luke likes and I was trying to make sure you eat.
-Thank you. You didn't have to. -I say, kissing my brother on the forehead. I missed him too. I hadn't seen him in months and when I finally have the opportunity to, I close myself in my bedroom for a week, only leaving to watch the waves and the sea, trying to stop my mind from overthinking.
I sat on a chair and Luke sits just beside me but on another side of the table. This way I can still look him in the eyes and appreciate every millimeter of his beautiful face but I'm still close enough to him. Today, the last thing I want to do is being away from Luke.
-Shut up and eat. -Cameron says almost forcing me but laughing just after. That's my brother and his weird temper. - I need to go to school so I see you guys later. -he leaves a kiss on top of my head and gives a small, friendly tap on Luke's back before heading off.
-I was thinking you could stay a week or two and maybe we can get back to Sydney? This way I can also show you where I'm from and tell you all my stories like you did and showed me. -I take a bite of a pancake, always looking down to my plate and fork, just to avoid eye contact with Luke because I'm afraid of what he was going to say.
He doesn't say a thing for a moment - a moment that seemed it lasted for years and years. I was starting to beat myself mentally again before looking at him and seeing a huge smile on his beautiful face.
-That means you're coming back with me? - I nod and his smile grows even bigger. Even when I thought he couldn't look even more beautiful, he seems to always surprise me with something that makes me think otherwise. He pauses for a moment to absorb the information what made me think that he doesn't want to stay here at all.
-I mean, you don't have to stay, we can go tomorrow or so... -I look down at my plate again waiting for an answer.
-We are staying for as long as you want. I'm sorry, I'm still trying to process that you're going to stay with me in Sydney. I would love to stay here with you for a while. I would love to get to know your hometown, to hear your stories about this place, to know your friends... everything! -He places his hand on my thigh and grabs it while leaving a kiss on my lips. This moment sent shivers down to my whole body, making it shake. I didn't know how much I needed and missed the little things he did, until now.
-Thank you. -I say before resting my head on his shoulder. His head touches mine and seconds after we are eating again. -I still can't believe you sang to me yesterday.
-Me neither but you were always saying how much you like to hear me sing and I needed to do something big for you, cause you deserve it after what I did. -He smiles but I can tell it's not totally a happy smile.
-Can we not talk about what happened this week, today? I really want us to be good today, forget this week at all. We can't spend the rest of our lives talking about this. It happened and there's nothing we can do to take what we did back but we can make our lives better from now on and I think that's what matters the most now. The rest's in the past! -I say and he nods, agreeing with me.
-You're right. Let's make the most of these days. -He smiles. -I was thinking that maybe we can go to the beach today? I miss going to the beach with you! -He says but immediately regrets the last part. -I mean, I miss going to the beach! -he reformulates his sentence and we both laugh.
The little things like this are the things that matter the most like laughing together... like his touch or his little soft kisses... the hours I spend lost in his eyes... the little things like this were what I missed the most!
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Hii! Thank you so much for the 8K here! I love you all so much and I'm so grateful for every single one of you on the other side. It's amazing how you guys kept with my writing and waited for so long for a new chapter, It's been at least 7 months! It's fucking mind-blowing and I just need to thank you for that!
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Thank you so much once again and bye, see ya in the next chapter.
Ly all <3