There was a time I could semi-successfully say I didn't care about it anymore. That it didn't control me. Unfortunately, those days are gone. It's gotten so bad, I'm on medication just to get through a day without having a panic attack now. Everything was fine, really, I mean it. I was okay.
I don't know what but something happened that triggered a panic attack. At first, I was unsure of what was happening because it'd been so long since I had one. Over time, I learned that once you have one, you never forget the feeling. And that's got to be one of the scariest feelings. Being able to say you know the trembles quickly scurrying over your skin meant one was seconds away felt like hell.
In that hell all I could do was wait it out, wait for the mumbling to myself about it being okay to die down along with the thumping of my heart against my aching chest.
Honestly, it was only when Annie and Ray started commenting on my constant trembling when I realized it had become that serious of a problem. I have anxiety about having anxiety about relapsing. They say 65% of people with eating disorders also suffer from an anxiety disorder, so I guess I'm not alone, it's normal... ish. Even when I say it's relatively normal, nothing about my heart pumping out of my chest over a bowl of cereal not being drowned in fat-free milk is normal.
Eventually, I had to go to the doctor to get prescribed medication to regulate the attacks. On a good day, the only thing close to a panic attack coming on is my hands shaking from all the coffee I'd have. On a bad day... well, you'll see when I have a bad day, it's almost as ugly to describe as it is to witness and actually feel.
Aside from being mentally unstable, life's good. Speaking of life, ew because I have shit to do today that should be done on days when I don't wake up to a puppy's cry at my bedroom door. I have work, I need to do laundry, go grocery shopping, and I have a project with Tatum Gomez later. What time was she coming at again?
Oh! damn, I almost forgot. I have a class today too. Usually, I have math and natural science and then two GE classes but GE's got canceled today because some kids on the football team pulled some pretty bad pranks on most of the GE teachers. There are only three teachers left. And those teachers really aren't trying to get pranked too so those classes got canceled as well.
Which sucks. As much as I hated school last year, college isn't so bad, it feels a lot more flexible when I'm not studying my ass off. Which reminds me I have to study notes with Annie later. Ugh!
I swear I have short term memory loss because this shit is not normal.
I pull my dress on over my turtleneck, slipping on my boots and shoving bobby pins in my hair to keep it from falling in my face. I quickly do my makeup which consists of mascara and highlighter because I'm on my period and my face doesn't play around. It'll look like my face belongs in a pizza box if I wear makeup during shark week.
The moment I leave my room, sunlight burns my eyes. My room is the darkest in the house and Ray and Annie like to think having the sun in the middle of our house is the ideal way to start the morning. I obviously disagree because I'd much rather be blowing bubbles in the bathtub in my dim-lit bathroom like a child than be out in the living room right now.
But beggars can't be choosers. Did I ever really beg though?
"Good morning, hotty," Annie calls from the couch. I nod my head in acknowledgment, waving at Easton who's currently trying to braid our dog's hair. He pays me no attention as his tongue juts to the outside corner of his mouth like he can't take his eyes off of his work.
"How'd you sleep?" Ray asks me, coming up from behind me and grabbing me a mug. I shrug, taking my cup and hers and pouring us coffee.
"It was alright," I admit. "Amelie kept scratching at my door and whining though so I'm going to need a nap later."
"You always need a nap." She rolls her eyes. I narrow mine at her, taking both the cups of coffee with me.
"Looks like this belongs to me, then." I shrug, moving to feign a sip from her mug. Ray-Ray being the huge germaphobe she is, practically dives for the cup, smacking the back of my head when her cup is safe in her possession.
"You're seriously not funny, Grace."
"I'm hilarious." I narrow my eyes at her, leaning up to open the cabinet where the to-go cups are. "Hey, East? You mind helping me, the dwarfism is winning here."
I hear him choke out a laugh before he makes his way over to me. I move out of his way as he reaches up and grabs my favorite cup. This has become a regular occurrence so he knows exactly which cups I like. Hell, he even picks one based on my mood if he thinks it'll help my day sometimes.
Easton's like that. Very thoughtful and caring. He's the very definition of a '🥺' boy, though he'd never admit it. He's the kind of hot that makes him look like he's a dickhole when in reality he just has a resting bitch face that contrasts with his kind heart.
"Gracias," I say.
"You still suck at that." He tells me, chuckling. I raise a brow at him expectantly, annoyance taking over my features as I looked him up and down.
"K, you can leave now."
He rolls his eyes, nudging me playfully as he walks past me and back over to his girlfriend, my sister, and my dog.
Something about Easton that I love is the way he acts like he's my brother. My best friend. At first, I wholeheartedly believed that it was just his personality, that he's just nice. But then I saw how he is with other people. If you didn't know him as well as I do, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between his friends and acquaintances. But the more you get to know him, the more apparent it is by the way he acts and how comfortable he is in engaging and touching you.
What I mean by him touching you is that he's a relatively touchy person. Not in a perverted way, of course, but in the kind of way that you can tell how he feels by the way he's touching you. For instance, when he's around me, he likes propping his elbow on my shoulder, showing he's comfortable with me and the people around him.
But other times, he might just have his hand on my shoulder, which he does when we're in larger groups, showing that he's uncomfortable and rather not be in the vicinity of so many people. If you can't tell yet by how I'm describing him, he has social anxiety.
Fun, right?
It's not as bad as it was when I first met him, which is all thanks to Ray and her whole outgoing, playful manner. All the times we'd go out, she'd force East to come with us. She taught him how to express how he feels through body language, which is where the whole shoulder touching thing came from.
"Nie, your friends bullying me, again," Easton whines out with a groan. I roll my eyes, pouring my coffee in the cup he'd earlier handed me.
"Aw, baby, come 'ere." Annie coos, opening her arms wide for him as he nears her and they wrap their arms around each other.
Ew, love.
"Is anyone coming with me? I'm going to go do laundry, if you want me to take your stuff, you have to come too." I say, squatting down to grab a lid for my cup from the cupboard beside the sink.
Easton groans into Annie's chest before getting up and helping her up. "We're coming, we've been wearing the same clothes for two days because we didn't go last time."
"Ray?"
"Nah, I'm good, I just go shopping whenever my clothes get dirty." She shrugs.
"Yeah, what kind of things do they sell in my closet? I haven't been there in a while seeing as you bought most of the store."
"Meh, it needs restocking."
I heave a sigh. She's facing the TV so she won't see that I just flipped her off right?
"I hope you know that I saw that in the reflection of the TV."
"We have a TV?"
❛❜
Well, it's safe to say that Easton still owns the My Little Pony boxers I bought him for his birthday and Christmas last year. I always figured he threw them out or something but nope. Here he stands, his and Annie's laundry basket in hand, his boxers on the top of the piled up clothes, begging to be washed.
"Can you put in the quarters, Annie, I'm going to go get a coffee real quick," I tell her, taking my bag from Easton's shoulder. He always acts as a coat rack, holding our jackets, purses, anything that he can take to keep the weight from our shoulders. It's quite sweet and probably the reason I'm going to make it to my thirties without back problems.
"Didn't you already have one?" Easton quirks a brow at me.
I shrug. "Yeah, so what?"
"So it's bad for you, you're teeth are going to turn brown."
I flash him a smile, showcasing my pearly whites. "The only thing that stains my teeth is stomach acid at this point."
Annie snorts. "It literally has."
"A-Annie!" I burst out laughing, smacking her shoulder. She starts laughing loudly and smacks her hand over her mouth as someone else in the laundry mat gave her a dirty look.
After we take a moment to calm down I give her a little pile of quarters. "I'll be back, make sure to take my clothes out in a little while before the dryer stops because the heat messes up my shirts."
"Kay, I'll call you when it's done."
"Oh! and can you put the rest of my clothes in the washer-"
"Go already! I know how you like to do your laundry." I flash her a grateful smile, waving goodbye to my best friend and her boyfriend.
I know that coffee messes with my medication and can actually just fuel the anxiety but without it, I'm a zombie. Tea didn't help so of course I went against my doctor's orders and started drinking coffee. The medication I take pretty much drains me and no matter how many substitutes I try, none of them work as well as coffee does.
I used to fall asleep every time I drank coffee but after a while, I grew tolerant to its effects. But I'm not tolerant to the jitters of my anxiety and caffeine intake joining forces. Honestly, I've been wanting to switch medications for a while.
Thing is, the last time I switched, I could barely get up because of how drowsy I was. Now that I've been taking it a while, it's not as bad. I think the thing that ultimately has been holding me back is fear.
Fear that I'll end up with a medication that doesn't work for me and I'll relapse or something just to feel in control again. I think I know better, that I won't. But then again, when this whole thing first started, I told myself the same thing and here I am, wondering if history is going to repeat itself.
I walk across the street and wait for cars to pass on the next one before making my way into the campus cafe. I've only been here twice since I got here but I have a feeling I'll be coming here more often. The girl that usually works the counter might as well be one of the nicest people I've ever met, so I guess you could say she's earned herself a loyal customer.
The moment I walk in, I feel eyes on me, so out of instinct, I hold myself higher like I'm the most confident person you've ever seen. It's been something I've been working on to make me feel more... ya' know, confident in myself. So far it's not working because all the eyes on me make me want to shrivel up and die.
"Holy frick, she's pretty." Someone whispers. I have to bite my lip to keep from smiling. Strangers giving me compliments has always made me feel a little better, it reminded me that Blubber and eating a few pieces of chicken didn't always matter.
"Hi." I smile to Quin, the girl working the cash register. She grins back at me, leaning over the counter to give me a hug.
She looks down at my boots and leans back to her original spot, calling my order to someone behind her. "Ugh, those boots are everything on you, Grace, I swear. They make you look like a tree too."
I giggle, leaning over the counter and looking at her shoes. "Uh-uh, shut up, those platforms are amazing, they go so well with the apron." I tease. She rolls her eyes, taking my drink from her co-worker, and handing it to me.
I down a sip of my coffee, tipping my head back, my tastebuds coming to life as they're shot with a taste of caramel and a hint of something else I can't quite put my finger on.
"Oh my lord, this is amazing," I mutter, reaching into my bag for my wallet and my now ringing phone. Pulling out a five, I hand it to Quin and press my phone to my ear.
"Huh?"
"You still at the cafe, Ms. Coffee Lady?" Easton asks me. I hear Annie choke out a laugh and a smack rings through before a grumbled 'ow'.
"Yeah, is the laundry done?"
"Why, you wanna spend more time with me? You know I'm taken, right?"
"Easton I swear to god, stop flirting with her." Annie groans in the background. Easton snorts.
I laugh, putting my wallet back in my bag. "Because it's hot as balls with these layers."
"Well to answer your question, yes the laundry's done, and to criticize you, why the hell did you wear a turtleneck if you knew it'd be hot today."
"And for fucks sake, Nie, I was teasing her, not flirting. I plan on marrying you, not your coffee addict friend."
I roll my eyes, hanging up. "Thanks, Quin."
"Bye, bye, see you soon!"
I wave after her as I turn to leave. Eyes are still on me but just one from the feel of it. I laugh to myself. I hope I have a stalker, that would make laundry day a lot more fun.
What is wrong with you?
Literally everything.
When I get to the laundry mat, I find Easton and Annie swapping saliva. Easton's got his arms on either side of her as she sits on one of the dryers, her fingers tangled in his hair.
"I'll be surprised if I don't have nightmares of this." I snort. Easton shoots away from Annie and she hops off of the dryer, both of them wiping their lips.
"We were just..." Easton looks to Annie to continue and she pretty much has a seizure in her spot trying to figure out what to say.
"Braiding each other's arm hair." She blurts out as the door to the laundry mat squeaks open.
"What?" Easton furrows his brows, shooting his girlfriend a weird look.
Her cheeks go red. "What?"
I laugh loudly, moving to pick up my laundry basket. When I turn, my basket and a few shirts fall out, landing on the dirty, off-white floor tiles.
"Sam," I say, less as a question and more as a statement.
Holy mother of shit balls.