December, 1992
Today was Ronnie's one year anniversary and Marshall was acting really weird. He went to work today, and didn't even acknowledge that it was Ronnie's anniversary. I know he didn't forget since Marshall remembers dates like a damn elephant. He just hadn't talked about it, at all. I asked him how he was doing this morning and he just said he was fine. He said it with a little bit of attitude like he was annoyed I was asking him, but I mean what the hell? Of course I'm gonna ask him.
He hadn't talked to his family at all today either, at least that I knew of. It was all just very weird. I had to work until seven tonight, and he had to work until eight so I was supposed to go and pick him up on my way back home. I didn't know if I should ask him about it, or if I should just let it be. I figured the best thing to do would be to ask him about it. I mean I'm sure he's hurting, and that hurts me. I always wanna be there for him, and even if he told me to fuck off that would be better than him just ignoring his feelings I think.
I left the studio a little past 7:15pm, and headed right over to Marshall's work. I arrived a few minutes early so I knew he'd be a bit before he was out. I just turned up my radio and sang along to TLC's song Ain't Proud 2 Beg. They were a brand new group and I had been absolutely loving them ever since Marshall bought me their album from The Hip Hop Shop. I always loved when he did that. There's been a few times where he would find an album that he knew I would like and would buy it for me. He's so sweet sometimes.
My thoughts and swooning heart was cut off by Marshall pulling on the door handle trying to get in to my car. I reached over and unlocked it and he got in. "Yo." He said coldly.
"Hey baby. How was your day?" I leaned forward to give him a kiss, and while he kissed me back, it wasn't the same as how he usually kisses me.
"It was fine. How was yours?"
"Uhm, it was alright." I said as I reversed out of the parking spot and started our drive home. "Really long though, it felt like the day just kept dragging on and on."
He nodded. "Yeah, that's shitty."
"Yeah..." I trailed off and an awkward tension fell upon us. If it wasn't for TLC still playing in the background it would be dead quiet. "Was it busy today?" I asked him to try and break the ice.
He grunted and slapped the button to turn my music off. "I can't deal with that shit right now."
"Oh, okay. No worries." I said trying to ignore the anger in his voice.
"No, it wasn't busy today." He said uninterested as he leaned his elbow against the window, and rested his head in his palm.
I nodded. "Well that's good then at least." He didn't say anything back. "How are you feeling?" I reached over to his lap and intertwined our fingers.
"Oh my god Ti is this really what the fuck we're doin'?!" He snapped at me, taking me way off guard. "How are you feeling?'" He said in a high pitched voice trying to mock me. "I'm feeling fuckin' great, thanks for asking." He tore his hand away from mine and leaned his head back against his hand.
I paused, unsure of how to respond. "I'm sorry..." I said quietly. "You just haven't really acknowledged, y'know, what today is... so I just wanted to check in."
"You think I ain't fuckin' know what today is?!" He yelled at me. "I gotta fuckin' acknowledge it for you to know I'm feelin' fuckin' shitty?!"
"Marshall no, I just- if you wanted to talk-"
"If I wanted to talk?! If I wanted to fuckin' talk I would fuckin' talk, Ti!"
"Okay... I'm sorry." I whispered.
"And stop fuckin' saying sorry! God just shut the fuck up for once, jesus!"
I nodded lightly. "Okay." I whispered once more, and we continued driving in silence all the way until we arrived home. I wanted so badly to cry, but I knew that would just make things so much worse, so I choked back my tears until I could get in private and let them out.
As soon as we got home, he stormed inside and didn't even wait for me to get out of the car. I sighed, took the keys out of the ignition, and grabbed my duffle bag with all my dance stuff in it. I walked inside and saw Denaun sitting on the couch watching TV, while Marshall was no where in sight.
"Yo." Denaun said as he jutted his chin out towards me.
"Hey. Where'd Marshall go?" I asked as I took my shoes and jacket off.
"Said he was tired, I think he's goin' to bed." He replied nonchalantly.
I nodded. "Okay."
I walked over to our room and quietly creaked the door open, revealing Marshall laying face down under the covers. "Baby I-"
"Tiyana please leave me the fuck alone right now. Please." He mumbled due to his face being shoved in the pillow. I just nodded and walked back out of the room. I immediately went directly into the bathroom since I knew I could no longer hold back my tears, and I needed to do it privately. I turned on the shower so no one would hear me, closed the toilet seat, and then sat down on it. I threw my head in my hands and rested my elbows on my thighs and the tears began to flow out of me.
I wasn't even that upset with how he was talking to me, I was more so just sad that he clearly was feeling so sad, and there's nothing I could do. I hated when he felt like that, I always felt so helpless and I'm sure he did too. He hasn't felt that way in a long time, at least from what I could tell, and it just made me so sad to see him feeling that way again. It makes sense of course, but I just hate when he shuts me out like that. All I want is to be there for him and help alleviate his pain at least a little bit, but he just doesn't want anything to do with me when he's like this. All I can hope for in moments like this is that tomorrow will be better. God I hope tomorrow's better. He never deserves to feel like this. Nobody deserves to feel like how he does.
March, 1993
I don't know what it is, but ever since Ronnie's one year anniversary Marshall has been acting incredibly different. He was doing so good, we were doing so good, and then the one year hit and it all just tanked. We're back to fighting what feels like constantly, and I fuckin' hate it. I cry almost every damn day, and it's honestly at the point now where I don't even wanna come home anymore because I know we're just gonna fight.
He's just so cold, and irritable. I understand it, but it's still hurtful. And it's like he doesn't even care if he hurts me anymore. He'll say something super fucked up, causing me to start crying, and he just leaves. He did this constantly when Ronnie first died, but he hasn't done it in a long time. Every time I try to talk to him about how he's feeling he just tells me to essentially fuck off and to leave him alone. I can't even remember the last time he's opened up to me. He's so closed off and I hate it. This is not the Marshall I fell in love with, I know that for a fact. But I'm staying because I know the Marshall that I did fall in love with is still there, he's just under a few layers of anger and sadness. That's okay. I used to have those same layers of anger and sadness before we started dating, but Marshall forced his way through it. So I'm always gonna do the same for him.
"TI! Where's my black hoodie?!" He yelled from our room as I was in the bathroom getting ready to go to The Hip Hop Shop tonight. DeShaun and all of them had finally convinced Marshall to start battling down there recently, and tonight was the first night I was allowed to come and watch him. I guess he didn't want me to come and watch until he was confident enough in his ability. I never pushed him to let me come, since I was always so scared to start a fight. So, when he finally said I could come to this one, I was so excited. Regardless of how his mood has been recently, I think it's super positive that he's been doing something for himself that he enjoys doing.
"I don't know!" I yelled back to him.
Ten seconds later he stomped into the bathroom. "Aight well you wore it last so where the fuck is it?!" He barked at me.
"Marshall I just said I don't know. Try the dryer?" I said calmly.
"I already fuckin' looked there!" He yelled as he walked away, I assume back towards the room.
"Just wear your grey one instead!" I yelled again, but only for him to be able to hear me over the fan.
"Stop wearing my fuckin' shit! I hate when you wear it! I can't find fuck all because of you!" I closed my eyes and just took a deep breath to help calm the lump in my throat that was growing. I refuse to cry tonight. I'm going out, and we're going to have a good time if it's the last fucking thing I do.
I continued putting on my mascara, and then finally Denaun came home. Denaun's really been a saving grace in all of this because Marshall doesn't like to fight with me in front of him. Mainly because Denaun usually takes my side, and that just makes Marshall even more angry. So, for the most part, he only gets angry when it's just me and him.
"Denaun have you seen Marshall's black hoodie?" I asked as I came out of the bathroom.
"Isn't that it there?" He pointed towards the couch.
I smiled and nodded. "Yes it is. Thank you." I grabbed the hoodie and walked towards the room. "Here." I handed it to Marshall.
"Oh. Thanks." He said as he grabbed it from me and threw it on. "Sorry." He placed his hand on the small of my back and gave me a quick kiss on my lips. He immediately walked past me and out towards the living room and I followed him. "Yo." He jutted his chin out towards Denaun.
"Yo. So DeShaun, Rufus, Sharonda, and Karnail are gonna meet us there. We gotta pick up Ondre and Von if that's okay Ti?"
I nodded. "Yeah of course. Where are they?"
"They're both at Ondre's place."
"Okay, no worries."
Shortly after we were all ready to go and we started the drive towards Ondre's house. Marshall seemed much more relaxed now that he was in the presence of his friend, and they were both just rapping along to an old N.W.A cassette that Denaun had brought with him.
We picked up Ondre and Von and then we were on our way towards The Hip Hop Shop. We arrived about half an hour later, and we immediately spotted DeShaun's car. Well, Pepper's car. But I figured he was using it tonight. I parked beside the car and then we all piled out of mine. We saw them all standing by the door waiting for us, and Sharonda pulled me into her classic big hug once we got close enough.
After we chatted together for ten minutes about random stuff, we finally went inside. Only Marshall, Von, and Ondre were battling tonight, but DeShaun had been emceeing the last few ones, so I guess he was doing that again tonight.
Everything finally started, but Marshall was no where to be found. He had sorta ditched us all as soon as we got inside. He had told me that he wasn't going until about twenty minutes in, so I guess he had some time, but I just had no idea what he was doing. After Von went, a few random guys that I didn't know all went, and then finally DeShaun introduced 'Eminem'. I had totally forgotten about when they were talking about 'rapper names', and he hadn't told me anything about it, but I guess he had decided on the stage name 'Eminem'. I giggled thinking about DeShaun calling him KitKat boy. Fuck I miss those days.
Both Marshall and the other guy who looked vaguely familiar to me stepped up onto the stage and DeShaun reiterated the rules and flipped a coin, determining who would go first. The other guy won, and then a beat began to blare through the speakers. He started spewing off all sorts of disrespectful and out of pocket rhymes that I always hated, some of it was predictable like Marshall being white and what not, but I still didn't like it.
Sharonda had said something to me that I didn't really catch since it was so loud, so I leaned into her and yelled, "What?" Just as she was repeating what she was saying, I saw out the corner of my eye the guy point towards me and say something along the lines of me having gave him a lap dance at the club. Fuck. That's where I fuckin' know him from. Both mine and Sharonda's heads snapped towards the stage and I saw DeShaun send me a confused look, which turned into a glare. Marshall didn't even flinch, he just stayed focused on what the guy was saying.
A few seconds later the beat stopped and it was now Marshall's turn. He threw it back at him as hard as he could, and then defended me with I'm sure every word he could think of. The crowd was going crazy with every single punchline and I was so engulfed in the experience, and in awe of Marshall's ability that I had completely forgotten that I just got outted about the club with DeShaun.
Shortly after Marshall's minute was up, DeShaun told the crowd to make noise for the other guy first, and the cheering was loud, but not as loud as I heard it before. DeShaun repeated himself for Marshall and I swear everybody went crazy. I screamed at the top of my lungs and I saw him crack a little smile. He was proud of himself. He should be. He was amazing.
They both left the stage and a few minutes later Marshall pushed his way through the crowd towards us. He threw his arm around my neck and planted a hard kiss on my lips. "You were amazing!" I yelled loudly over the music and he laughed.
"Thanks baby." He kissed my head and then released my neck. He dapped up all the boys who all congratulated him and I just felt so proud of him. I'm so happy he allowed me to come tonight, this is seriously such a crazy thing to experience. After he was done talking to the others, he put his arm back around my neck and pulled me close to him. "Doody's gonna kill you." He said directly into my ear.
My eyes went wide and I whipped my head around towards him. "FUCK!" I yelled loudly. "I totally forgot! Oh my god Marshall what am I gonna say?!"
He shrugged. "Maybe tell him the truth. You've been hidin' it from him for years, and you barely even work there anymore. Nothin' he can do about it."
"Shit! Fuck! I can't believe that guy fuckin' said that."
He laughed. "It's the sport of it baby."
"I don't like being a punchline, Marshall." I said seriously.
He rolled his eyes and released my neck once more. "As if I can do anything about what he said? If you ain't like it, don't come." He walked away from me and over towards the boys leaving me all alone. I watched him start to talk to them like nothing was wrong, and he didn't just essentially tell me to fuck off ten seconds ago. It really hurt, and I don't know how he could be so heartless sometimes, but it sucks.
I talked to DeShaun after all the battles were done and everyone was just hanging around for a little bit before going home. After I let him yell at me for about ten minutes, we were fine which I knew we would be. I don't know why I ever doubted DeShaun, we have way too much love for each other to ever be mad for too long about anything. He told me wasn't angry because I was stripping, since he said he always knew I was doing it whether I admitted to it or not, but he was angry because I had lied about it for so long. I completely understood where he was coming from, and I just asked that he wouldn't tell Pepper or my mom. He agreed, but he was reluctant for sure.
June, 1993
Both me and Sharonda were off work today, and since that rarely ever happens where our days off line up, we decided she'd come over, we would go get food and then come back to my place and hang out. I was really excited since we hadn't gotten to see each other that much recently, and also I really just needed to be in the presence of another girl for once. Don't get me wrong, I love living with the boys, but sometimes it's just too much testosterone in such a small space.
A little past one I heard a horn start beeping and I knew that must be Sharonda. I quickly grabbed my keys, my wallet, and ran out to her car. "Why you lookin' so pretty?!" Sharonda asked with a big smile as I slid into her passenger seat.
I laughed. All I was wearing was jean shorts rolled up, and an old t-shirt I got from my high school that I was honestly surprised still fit. "Always just tryna compete with you Shar." I smiled back at her.
"Girl shut up." She laughed as she pulled away from the curb. "What'dya wanna eat?"
I groaned. "Anything, I'm fucking starving."
"Is Marshall working today? We could go to Gilberts." She asked as she quickly glanced to me.
"No I don't wanna see him right now." I said emotionless.
"Shit, what happened?" She asked like she wasn't surprised.
I shook my head. "I don't wanna talk about it."
"Ti, come on. Tell me."
I sighed deeply. "He just acts like he fucking hates me! Like he never wants me around, he never wants to spend time with me, when he gets home from work he barely even says more than like five fucking words to me! It's exhausting Shar, and I know he's goin' through shit, but it fucking kills me. It hurts so fucking bad and I just-" My rant got caught off by my eyes welling up with tears and a lump lodging itself in my throat. "I hate it." I squeaked out.
"Fuck Ti..." She said empathetically and quickly pulled the car over. She engulfed me in a huge hug and I let the tears roll off my cheeks and dampen her tank top. "It's not your fault, none of this is your fault." She said softly as she rubbed my upper back.
"It feels like it is though! Because it's always him getting mad at me, I never get mad at him unless he says something really fucked up." I wiped at my tears as I pulled away from her. "But even then I barely say anything since I'm always fucking crying!" I yelled and she just nodded. "And it's so frustrating because we were doing so well for a few months there and then everything just went to shit again and now I'm back to not knowing what the fuck to do." I sighed and we sat in silence for a few moments while she waited to see if I was done talking. "I don't know. I just don't know how the fuck to deal with this."
"I know... I'm sorry you have to go through this again, Ti."
"Like what the hell would you do?" I asked as she pulled away from the curb once more after I collected myself a bit.
She cocked up an eyebrow at me. "You want my honest opinion?"
I nodded. "Yeah."
"I wouldn't put up with that."
"What do you mean?"
She shook her head. "Like I would leave."
"You would break up with him?!" I semi-yelled, not because I was angry, but because I was shocked. She just nodded. "But it's not his fault Sharonda! He's just really fucking depressed."
"No, I know that. But that's not an excuse to be treating you like he is."
"I could never break up with him, Shar."
She shrugged. "That's okay, I'm not saying you have to. I'm just saying that's what I would do." She trailed off and I pushed my head against the headrest. "Look Ti I know you love him. I know that. And I know he loves you. But this shit, how he's making you feel, it isn't okay. It needs to stop otherwise ya'll are gonna for sure break up."
"What do you mean? Why would you say that?"
"I'm saying it's not sustainable Ti. One person, one relationship, can only deal with so much."
I scoffed. "I put up with way worse shit before, this ain't nothing compared to Eric."
"But that's my point Ti! You put up with way too much bullshit from these dudes and you have to stop it. You're strong, and independent, and you got so much shit goin' for you. I mean you're about to apply to fucking Juilliard of all art schools, do you know how amazing that is?!"
I let out a breathy laugh. "You sound like Marshall when he was trying to get me to break up with Eric." I gasped. "Are you about to confess your undying love for me now?" I joked.
She laughed and lightly pushed my shoulder. "I'm just saying know your worth. Fights are normal, but this shit isn't."
I began chewing the skin off my bottom lip. "Marshall told me once that he knew my worth."
"Well has he forgotten? 'Cause he's sure as shit actin' like he has."
"Don't say that." I said sadly.
She sighed. "I'm sorry. I'm just saying stand up for yourself. Please."
I nodded. "I know." Shortly after we pulled into the McDonald's parking lot and I let out a little laugh. "When did we decide on McDonalds?"
"We didn't. But you definitely need some McDonalds right about now." Sharonda said as she started getting out of the car.
I laughed as I got out with her. "What? I need a happy meal?"
She laughed with me. "Yes. Absolutely you do."
November, 1993
It was Saturday today, and by proxy it was my day off. I had gotten up bright and early to start on my Juilliard application. I had been sitting on the papers for about a week, but I've been far too nervous to even look at them. So, I decided today was the day I was gonna make myself do them. I mean, my application is due in January, and these things always take so long to do, and then the time it takes to get through the mail added on top of that, it's just a lot. So if I wanted it to be in for January, I really needed to do it now.
I guess Marshall didn't have to work today either, but I don't know for sure. All I know is he's still sleeping. He doesn't tell me when he works anymore, he just sorta leaves and I assume he's going to work. He was at The Hip Hop Shop until late last night though, so that would explain his sleeping in. He's been going down there and battling every weekend which has been really good for him I think. I can tell how happy it makes him and that makes me happy, so I've just been trying my best to support him.
After I made myself some coffee and toasted a bagel, I sat down at the kitchen table with my breakfast, all my papers, paper clips, a stapler, and a single pen. Should be all I need, I think. I started reading over the first page, signing where necessary, filling in all my information, and attaching the relevant documents.
I had been sitting there for about two hours, and I was only about a quarter of the way through all my papers. I'm definitely a detail oriented person when it comes to these things, hence why it was taking me so long. I was reading every damn word of that application. All of a sudden I heard mine and Marshall's bedroom door creak open and he walked out looking really tired as he rubbed at his eyes.
"Morning baby." I smiled at him as he walked past me towards the kitchen.
"Mornin'." He said in his classic sleepy voice. "What are you doing?" He asked as he reached for a bowl and grabbed some cereal off of the counter.
I turned my head to look at him and I smiled even bigger. "My application." I said happily.
He knitted his eyebrows together. "Application? To where?"
"Juilliard!" I exclaimed.
"What? You're still gonna do that?" He asked confused.
I tucked my chin in. "Yeah of course? What do you mean?"
"I just figured after Ronnie died you weren't gonna do that anymore."
"Well... why?"
"Why?" He asked like I was stupid. "Because he's fucking dead and it might be nice to have you around, maybe?" His voice was sarcastic.
"I- Marshall, you've known about this for years. You're the one who told me to apply at the studio so I could go to Juilliard."
"Yeah but like I said that was before Ronnie fucking died Ti!" I could tell he was getting angry and I just stared at him blankly, I had no idea how to respond. "When the fuck were you gonna tell me about this shit?!"
I shook my head. "I just thought you knew..." I said quietly.
"How the fuck would I know if you ain't tell me?!" He yelled loudly. Yup, definitely angry.
"Marshall you didn't ask me about it!" I yelled back trying my best to defend myself.
"Yeah 'cause I thought you weren't gonna do it anymore!"
"What would lead you to think that?!"
"RONNIE!" He screamed at me.
"Baby I can't put my life on hold just because he died!" I yelled back semi-loudly as I tried to diffuse the situation.
"Just because he died?! Really?! You're gonna fuckin' reduce it too 'just because he died'?!"
"No Marshall I just meant-"
"Nah I know what the fuck you meant! So then what the fuck happens with me and you huh?!"
"What do you mean?! We just have to do long distance for a few years and then I'll be back!"
"A few years?! It's four fuckin' years Ti! You expect me to just sit around and wait for you for four mothafuckin' years?!"
"I do! We've been together for three fucking years! Of course I do!"
"When am I even gonna fucking see you?! You ain't gonna have no damn money to fly home?!"
"The studio pays for me to fly home once a year during Christmas!"
"ONCE A YEAR?!" He screamed. "You expect us to work with once a fucking year?!"
I scoffed. "If you wanna fuck other bitches just say it Marshall!" Petty, I know. But that's what it felt like he was saying.
"Fuck other bitches?! Are you insane?!"
"I see the way all those fucking girls look at you down at the shop! You get a little bit of a hype and now all these bitches wanna get on your dick, I ain't stupid!"
"Yeah and if I wanted to fuck them I would have already! I just don't want you to fuckin' leave Ti!"
I started gathering up all my papers. "Well I'm sorry, but you've known about this for a long fucking time Marshall. You have your music and your battling down at the shop, and I'm so happy for you." I said as I started to stand up and walk towards the door. "But I deserve to have something too. You're just lucky that yours is in Detroit." I said as I started to put my shoes on, clutching my papers between my right hand.
"Where the fuck are you going?!" He yelled as he watched me grab my car keys.
"I'm going to my moms! I need to do this fucking application and I can't do it with you sitting here and yelling at me!"
"Ti I swear to fucking god-" He yelled as I slammed the door, cutting off his inevitable threat that was about to come out of his mouth. I stomped all the way to my car with tears fully streaming down my face and hopped in as quick as I could.
I drove away, and the tears just kept pouring out of me. I can't believe he would try to take this away from me. He knows how important this is to me, and how badly I've always wanted to do this. And now when it's finally happening he just can't let me be happy. It makes me sick to my stomach to have him not support me anymore, that used to be all he did. But he's just being so selfish I can't stand it. I understand he's worried about me leaving, fuck I'm worried about it too. But this is my career, this is what I've wanted to do since I was little, and I hate that he just can't understand that.