I bought one of those $10 bears from Target and his name is Beary Styles and I have absolutely no regrets
...
Harry
I chew on my thumbnail, staring at the screen of my phone like I have been for the past hour. I told Amelia I would call her today, since I haven't spoken to her in about three days, but I'm unreasonably nervous.
A couple of days ago, an article was released about Amelia possibly being pregnant. I don't know where the sources came from, but apparently she was out buying pregnancy tests and now the whole internet is on the verge of a breakdown. Mine and Amelia's names are being thrown out in almost every magazine and online news source. Twitter and Instagram are blowing up. I've even had a couple phone calls from friends and family, including my mum and sister. Everyone wants to know: is Amelia really pregnant? And I feel so out of the loop because the one person who would really know the answer hasn't told me anything about it.
Maybe it's all a farce and some bored publisher decided to fabricate a story. If that's the case, maybe Amelia didn't even see it so she just doesn't know. But yet I can't help the nagging feeling inside of me telling me that something is wrong and that Amelia is keeping a secret from me.
But why? If she thought she was pregnant, wouldn't she tell me? And even more so if she was pregnant. Of course I respect the fact that she would be the one pregnant and not me but I would still like to know. I hate being in the dark, especially when it involves my girlfriend and I, and our potential baby.
I thought about reaching out to her friend Christian since I have his phone number but I didn't want to seem like a creep. I also didn't want to get him involved because God knows if he even knows about all of this. I guess I just assumed he would since him and Amelia are fairly close.
I groan. I wish I could have talked about this with Amelia sooner but both of our schedules have been unbelievably busy and just off recently. Phone calls were just impossible so we stuck to the simple 'I love you' text messages, nothing more. Without getting confirmation about what's happening has left me alone to my thoughts, which I've found out is a very dangerous thing.
Am I excited that Amelia might be pregnant? Nervous? Scared? I guess all of the above. I've always wanted a family, and especially with her, but I never imagined it happening so soon. I don't even know if this is what Amelia wants. Actually I know it's probably not what she wants because she wants to get married before having children and I plan on sticking to that plan for her.
However, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing if things got reversed. Let's say Amelia is pregnant and is happy about it. Then I can definitely see myself getting on board. I'm already there, actually. I want a child - or several - that I can love and spoil. I want a family with the love of my life. I could cry from want just thinking about it.
I take a deep breath and finally decide to phone Amelia. Actually, I decide to FaceTime her because I miss her and am desperate to see her, amongst other things.
After a few rings she picks up, her face pixelating a bit before clearing up. She's laying down in bed, dressed in what looks like one of my shirts. I'm about to make some cheeky comment about it but then I notice how red and puffy her eyes are. Has she been crying?
"Hi, baby," I whisper to her, causing her to smile faintly.
"Hi, love," she replies.
I think her saying 'love' is relatively new to her but I absolutely adore it. It always causes my heart to do somersaults.
"How was your day?" I ask, hesitantly.
She shrugs and averts eye contact briefly.
"It was okay. I didn't really do too much. I had off the past couple of days because of some building inspection at my office so I haven't really left the bedroom," she tells me.
I bite the inside of my cheek. It's unlike Amelia to stay in bed all day. She's joked about doing it with me before but she always gets up at some point and putters around, usually ending up in her office.
"Amelia," I say, deciding to break the ice. My heart begins to pound and my hands grow even more sweaty than they already were. "I - I need to talk to you about something. I don't know if you know but there are rumors going around that you're pregnant. I guess you were seen looking at pregnancy tests or something and - "
"Harry - "
" - I don't know if it's true or not but if it is I just wanted to say that I know it must be overwhelming, both with the tests and the amount of attention you're getting online, but I'll support you no matter what and I love you - "
"Harry - "
" - and maybe it's not such a bad thing, you know? We can get through it. I can see us starting our own little family. I'd love that, actually - "
"Harry," Amelia says for the third time. I finally stop my rambling so I can listen to her. "I'm not pregnant," she tells me, causing my heart to break just a little. Her eyes gloss over and she attempts to hide it by blinking rapidly. "Yes, I thought I was. I went out to get pregnancy tests because I missed my period but all of them came back negative. I - I wasn't going to say anything because I know you want kids and I didn't want to make you sad by telling you it was a false alarm but - but - "
Her words are cut off when she starts crying. She moves the phone so I can't see her face but I can hear it and it's torture to not be able to comfort her. Normally I hold her when she's upset and whisper words of comfort to her but I feel like there's nothing I can do in this moment.
"Amelia," I say softly. "It's okay, my love. I don't want you to be upset over something that I wanted - "
"But I wanted it too, Harry!" She cries. "I'm upset because for a brief moment I was excited about the possibility of us having kids together. I was also terrified, don't get me wrong, but I just had all these happy thoughts that were instantly crushed when the tests came back negative,"
I sit there in a bit of shock over her confession. She wanted to be pregnant? I thought for sure she would have been relieved when the tests came back negative, which, by the way, I'm also trying to wrap my head around. Even though nothing really has changed it's still a lot of information to take in.
"You want kids?" I ask Amelia in a voice so small and unlike my normal one.
She moves the phone so I can finally see her again. Her crying is beginning to subside from what it looks like - not a lot, but enough so that she can breath normally again.
She nods.
"Of course I do," Amelia whispers. "In general but especially with you. I want a life with you, Harry. I want to have kids and get married and grow old together, if that's what you want to do,"
I feel like such a sap when my eyes begin to water. We seldom have the conversation about the future for us but it always tickles my heart strings when we do. It reassures me that she wants the same things that I do.
"I do. Fuck, I want that more than anything in the world," I tell her, gently. I sigh and run a hand through my ever-growing hair. "I don't want you to be upset now though because of the negative pregnancy tests, love. There's still plenty of time for us to actually try to have kids. It doesn't even have to be now. We can try whenever you're ready, but maybe we should wait until after we're married, like you originally wanted,"
Amelia faintly smiles and I swear I see her cheeks blush.
"You really want to marry me?" she asks me.
"Yes, I do. And I could go on and on about why but I'm going to save my sentimental speech for when I propose," I answer, honestly.
I haven't thought about when I'm going to pop the question. I know I want to, but I want to wait until at least after my tour ends and I get settled back home. Then maybe I'll start browsing rings, or maybe I'll get a custom one made.
"I love you, Harry," Amelia says. I smile when I see all of her tears are finally dried up. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the pregnancy tests sooner,"
I shake my head.
"Don't be sorry. I understand why you didn't but...promise me that if it ever happens again you'll call me. I just want to know what's going on. You don't ever have to hide anything from me to preserve my feelings, okay?"
Amelia's smile falters slightly, but she just nods and agrees anyways. I feel a little unnerved, not having expected that exact response from her. Is there something else she's hiding from me? She's not the type to keep secrets but I wonder if she's trying to protect my feelings by keeping certain things from me. I don't want to pry by asking her about it but I get this strange feeling that she's not telling me everything that I want to know. However, I choose not to dwell on it too long and I opt to tell Amelia that I love her and that I can't wait to see her soon.
...
ALSO here are some of my paintings lol they are available on my etsy. My account is listed on my profile if you're interested (or if you search up ZoeVanV on Etsy). If not, no worries :)