UT.O.PIA : @seungriseyo Are you fucking far off? Just drinking. Not doing the catwalk.
daesongishandsomeandcool : We're all in the uber. @YOUNGbaerin what about you?
YOUNGbaerin : In the elevator. Coming.
seungriseyo : Give me five minutes, hyungs. I can't find my hat.
UT.O.PIA : Don't be such overacting. Just four of us drinking.
PEACEMINUSONE : Five. I'm going.
PEACEMINUSONE : Where are you going, by the way?
UT.O.PIA : ...
PEACEMINUSONE : Give me ten minutes. I'm choosing the sneakers.
daesongishandsomeandcool : What do you mean you going with us? What am I missing?
seungriseyo : @daesongishandsomeandcool Me,too.
YOUNGbaerin : @seungriseyo It's none of your fucking business until you found your fucking hat and get your ass down here.
UT.O.PIA : @PEACEMINUSONE How come you join us?
PEACEMINUSONE : Why? Since when you guys didn't want to
hang out with me?
daesongishandsomeandcool : It's not like that, Hyung.
PEACEMINUSONE : Don't worry about the bills. My treat.
UT.O.PIA : What about Bona? You're going to leave her?
seungriseyo : @UT.O.PIA You're right!
YOUNGbaerin : @seungriseyo SHUT THE FUCK UP. and if you
can't find your damn hat in minutes, I'll come up there to HELP
you.
PEACEMINUSONE : @UT.O.PIA I am not her twin nor her
brother. We can separate.
daesongishandsomeandcool : I can smell something.
YOUNGbaerin : Tell me the exact date of today.
PEACEMINUSONE : Feb, 14th. Why? Hyorin didn't tell you it's
Valentines's day? Or she dumped you already? If she really did,
I'd never get sober for a week with you today, buddy.
daesongishandsomeandcool : Okay. So at least he knows it's
Valentines.
YOUNGbaerin : My girlfriend has a delayed flight. We'll celebrate later.
UT.O.PIA : I didn't expect you to come with us. I thought lovers are fond of celebrating Valentines, especially like you two.
PEACEMINUSONE : Why don't you ask this question to your
beloved sister?
daesongishandsomeandcool : Now you better talking.
UT.O.PIA : Please tell me you two are cool since the Christmas
fighting.
PEACEMINUSONE : I was about to unless she didn't run into
Fucking Thomas last two weeks again.
PEACEMINUSONE : And today, she acts busy having urgent works all day to not go out with me on purpose.
YOUNGbaerin : Wait. You mean the dinner that she brought
Hyorin coming there with her?
UT.O.PIA : And Thomas thinks Bona is engaged with you?
seungriseyo : YOU'RE ENGAGED!!??
YOUNGbaerin : @seungriseyo You wait there. I'm coming up.
seungriseyo : I found it. I found it. Don't come out here.
PEACEMINUSONE : It doesn't matter that he thinks me and her
are engaged or not. It matters that they're still seeing each other.
How come exes still seeing around?
daesongishandsomeandcool : Calm down, Hyung. They are just
talking about her works.
YOUNGbaerin : Exactly. Hyorin did tell me they have
no chemistry between them two, and Bona constantly mentioned about you.
PEACEMINUSONE : Don't care. How'd you feel when Hyorin
talks to her ex-boyfriend?
YOUNGbaerin : IDK. We're the first for each other.
PEACEMINUSONE : Whatever. Just try to think like me. Hot as
Daisies, how could no guy stop turning on when she's around?
Plus, they were exes. They were sparkling. WTF. I fucking want
to be so drunk today. I found my sneakers, though.
Coming down in a sec.
UT.O.PIA : Seriously?
daesongishandsomeandcool : Hyung, I think you should stay
home and wait to pick up Bona. You could have a dinner or
something. It's your first Valentines with her.
seungriseyo : I couldn't agree more. (I'm in the elevator, by the- way.)
YOUNGbaerin : @seungriseyo you better.
UT.O.PIA : @PEACEMINUSONE I don't think you hanging out
with us on Valentines is a good idea. We're single and free.
But you have her.
YOUNGbaerin : He's right.
seungriseyo : You two seem so in love than Youngbae and
Hyorin noona. I'd be so upset if you two are mad on Valentines' day.
YOUNGbaerin : Yeah. I am now mad, too.
PEACEMINUSONE : Coming down in minutes. Can't find my coat.
daesongishandsomeandcool : Seriously, Hyung?
PEACEMINUSONE : @daesongishandsomeandcool Tell me after we drank, you're going to change your bio.
daesongishandsomeandcool : I'll do it if you change your mind
not going with us.
PEACEMINUSONE : 'Kay, I changed my mind.
daesongishandsomeandcool : REALLY?
UT.O.PIA : Great job, kid.
seungriseyo : I'm telling the driver to drive on.
PEACEMINUSONE : Didn't you read what I told you to wait?
PEACEMINUSONE : I'm not finished. I just asked for more minutes. Dais is dressing like she's not working. I need to have a word with her for a sec. I'm coming down and DONT YOU DARE
TAKE OFF YET.
seungriseyo : Hyung...
UT.O.PIA : We took off. Don't be such a kid. It's time to be such a royal boyfriend, not a dickhead.
PEACEMINUSONE : Whatever. I'll ride along.
UT.O.PIA : Stupidly stubborn boy.
YOUNGbaerin : @PEACEMINUSONE You never know where we go. Stay home, dude.
PEACEMINUSONE : Really? Well, well, well. Guess you don't
know your stupid makné enough. Sneakingly took my credit card
to book a pub isn't professional. Plus, You better realize yourself
that there's not too much places you'd be hanging out. PEACE!
KIM BONA
"Where do you think you're going?" GD asks, folding arms, leaning against the doorframe while I'm putting my makeup on over the wardrobe's mirror.
I lay eyes on him for less than a second before going back to apply the eyeliner.
"Work. Like I told you," I say, not looking at him. Then I add, "For a millionth times."
"Is that your working costume?" he asks with a sarcastic tone. "You make me feel like you're going to do catwalk or something."
I irritably exhale and use the eyeliner raising at him. "And that's your costume for staying home?"
Describe how he dressed, toes up to head—Air-Mag sneakers, black leather jeans, Hawaii T-shirt, a long faux fur coat, overwhelming necklace round his neck and ears, and his pink-candy hair with a black beanie hat. To be honest, I'd rather look like staying home than he is, by the way. All I'm putting on except the makeup is just a white lotus leaf off-shoulder dress and Converse Chuck Taylor white sneakers.
"I'm G-DRAGON. I'm a fashion king. I can dress whatever I want even if I just stay home," he proudly says. I secretly roll my eyes. "And who told you I'm staying home, though? I'll have a drink tonight," he adds, way more shows-off.
"Whatever," I cut off the conversation, applying red lipstick on my lips. I could even see him being irritated around the corner of my eyes and I still keep ignoring him, anyway. Since the Christmas fighting, we've never been in a good vibe like we used to have. He's often suspicious of what I dress, whom I call, or even where I go. I'm so tired of this phase of him. This year has started for just a month, but I feel like a year already.
"So you won't tell me where you're going?" he asks me again, putting his hands on his hips.
I exhale. "I won't repeat what I've said." I give him with a death glare and walk into the bathroom to put my makeup bag back to the cabinet. Then I hear GD frustratedly groans and the sound of punching the wood comes on later, following with the sound of stuff dropping against the floor.
"Can't you stop messing stuff when you're angry?" I spit, walking back to the dressing room. And when I came inside, he is hurriedly picking up my accessories on the floor back to my small bucket.
"I...uh..." He looks up at me with a little bit of guilty look.
"Don't. I'll do it." I push his shoulder to step back and quickly scoop my stuff back to the small bucket and then shove it deeper into my wardrobe.
"I'm sorr..." he mumbles.
"Next time if you want to mess the stuff." I pause, slamming the wardrobe's close as look at him. "Do yours, not mine." Then, I go grab my purse.
"You're seeing a doctor?" he simply asks, sensing his tone and voice a little bit lighter. I squint at him and see that he looks really guilty.
"No. He appoints next week. You already know," I reply, swinging my purse on my shoulder and walk past him.
He grabs my wrist and pulls me to look at him directly. "Don't tell me you're going to meet Fucking Thomas."
I tear his hand off of me. "I said work. That's it. That's the last time I tell you." And I quickly walk towards the front door.
"I can't believe you dumped me to see him on Valentines," he murmurs, following me down the hallway.
I stop at the elevator and turn to him. "Okay. Did we already break up? So I don't have to feel regret for you about seeing him again."
"Ha! So you're really going to see him again."
"WORK." I'm so tired of repeating the same word to him. I really am. "We're doing work, okay?"
He rolls his eyes, smirking. "Yeah. Yeah. Work. Woooooork." He mockingly plays his tongue and puts his phone out and scrolls something on it. I irritably turn around and press the down button of an elevator.
"Oh, hi, CL. Are you ready for the drink today?" GD says. I close my eyes for a moment before turning to him. He lowers his phone off of his ear and teasingly shakes it in front of me. It breaks my heart a little bit when it obviously shows the screen of him calling CL. "Yeah. I'm coming there. We'll see in ten minutes," he says through the line as looks at me.
We're staring at one another while he's talking to CL, and I'm trying my best to hold back my anger and jealousy. Then he glances above my head and walks past me into the elevator.
"I'm available all day as you need me to. Well, hold on a second." He presses his phone against his chest and holds the door for me. "Don't you wanna go down?" he asks me, raising an eyebrow to freak me out.
I stand still with no words, crossing my arms against my chest as looking at him. Then he carelessly shrugs and lets the door closes in front of me.
* * *
So I had to wait upstairs almost a half hour until I was sure that GD is really gone otherwise we might have bumped into the parking lot and set a word war again. I was just trying to avoid having an argument with him as much as I can. Afterward, I drove myself by T.O.P's car which he lends me from a very since. There is a little traffic jam, and another with my mind slippery about confusing which way I was supposed to pull the car into. Therefore, I'm officially late for almost an hour when I successfully pulled myself to the (public) bar where he appointed me to.
"Sorry. I'm a little late," I say, gasping and lay my purse down on the counter bar next to Thomas.
"There's nothing to be worried. I'm the one who initiated to meet you on Valentines, remember?" Thomas politely chuckles and slides a chair beside him for me. I climb myself up to the high chair which I begin to think my 164 centimeter tall is actually the problem of sitting this. Thomas wraps my waist to help me climbing up, and I'm a little bit caught off guard.
"Oh, thanks," I say and adjust my trail properly.
"Sorry again for being available only this day. You know, you basically were supposed to celebrate with your fiancé."
I pat his elbow. "Oh, don't be, Tom. I'm free at your convenience. I'm so glad last time you finally gave your friends my number, and I'd love to talk to you about this again." He smiles and waves for a bartender to order me a cocktail. I immediately correct into just a glass of water since my throat has looked obviously resisting the alcohol recently.
Then he looks at me, drawing around his mouth. "So you'll be talking to me while putting a mask on, right?" he says with a bit chuckle.
"Oh, geez." I immediately take off my mask and chuckle for covering my embarrassment. "I'm used to it, sorry." I shove my mask into my purse as my phone pings up some messages. I secretly flip the screen up to see what's new. 'Where r you now?' from GD. And another one, 'Send me a picture of u, not that sucked ass.'
I shake my head and shove my phone back into my purse. No need to reply to his annoying texts all the time.
"I'm okay with your mask. I have no problem about it as long as your mouth's not uncomfortable being underneath it, though," Thomas teases, sipping his glass of cocktail. I laugh. "Anyway, Hyorin isn't with you?"
"She has a late flight from Milan," I tell him and he nods along. In the meantime, my glass of water is served and I thirstily drink up half of it. "Anyway, shall we talk about what is new with my music?" I give him a polite smile and tone, rubbing my hands together, lighting up the conversation not to be such a control freak.
"Yeah, 'course," he says, taking another sip which apparently looks a bit too long to pause the conversation.
"Sooooo?" I politely beef up with a smile. Does he drink too long or I'm too anxious?
He turns to me, giggles. "Well, he replied to me yesterday, though. He told me..." Then he's cut off by the frequent vibration of the phone. "Take your time." Thomas waves towards my purse, smiling.
I irritably close my eyes for a second. Dammit. And it's like what I figured out. There's a plenty of GD's messages—blaming me for ignoring his texts that keep asking me where I am or whom I am with except Fucking Thomas (he wrote like this.). I don't even go to read into the message chat but read from the preview and then turn off my phone. End of story. I'll fight with him later. Don't worry. Just bless for me. That's all.
"So what he told you about my qualifications?" I turn to Thomas.
"Uhh...well, he told me your music is totally cool."
"Really? Did he really listen to my songs?" I ask, so excited.
"Yeah, absolutely. He did listen to your music. But you know, since you've barely released some of them. He particularly wants to get more demos that you might hav—."
"Sure, I have it, well, A LOT. I could send him right away," I interrupt without thinking. I'm so excited.
"Great. I'll email you later," he says and sips his glass another long term. In the meantime, I begin to lose in my mind, panicking about which demo songs I still have left. Well, I've got none. I wrote several songs in the last past years. But just so you know, Corden has sold them away. I think I should stop making someone else's songs and start to make my own, too.
"Well." Thomas clears his throat, pulling me back into where we are. He seems sort of saying something but then he decides to take another long sipping of cocktail and watches me roughly.
"Anything?" I chuckle.
"I know it's not my place or any kind, but would you mind if I ask you some questions?" He lays his arm on the bar while his hand still holding his glass, and swings his chair towards me.
"Of course not. You know I owe you so much."
He smirks with a small chuckle. "Then I don't think I have to feel guilty to hold my tongue. I...um..kind of have a little bit personal questions about you and your fiancé. Is he going to throw in a towel about his career?"
"What? No, he isn't. He's been very popular and he shall not soon knock himself off his pedestal."
"Oh." He looks kind of disbelieved in me but curious.
"What's the matter?" I say, chucking.
"Nah. Not really." He shrugs his shoulder. "I just wonder, you know? As a matter of fact, you're going to get back where you've dreamt, and he's still running his issues like you do, but he's still in this city. I am not stepping over the lines, though. But I'm asking you because you act like it's not a big deal. Don't you think it's a weird marriage?"
I open my mouth to argue with him or resist his opinion but then I realize that he's absolutely right. Seems like Thomas really feels regret and wants to take back his mean question while I'm showing like an idiot who doesn't know what to say. He awkwardly chuckles, rubbing his jaw.
"I'm sorry, Kim. If it's too much for you, I'd get it. You don't have to answer for everything. I totally understand." He smiles, gripping my hand that laid the edge of the bar."
"No...I..ca...can answer it." I start to mutter before take a deep long breath. "I...um...I think I should answer it..."
"Of course you don't have to, Kim. Forget what I said. I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable," he says with a serious look and squeezes my hand.
"I should. I really should. I have to answer everything because I've been ignoring everything until it gets worse. It's time to concern for what really matters."
I give him an enthusiastic look. He guiltily blinks for a second, and then nods for me to go on while our hands are still not being apart. I take another deep breath and then face to the realistic world.
"Well, it's not just you who's—you know, curious about this complication. I am, too. But most of the times, I decide to ignore what I feel uncomfortable with and cover it by not thinking about it or thinking so fast so that I don't have to be upset. Now I'm slightly seeing that the less I directly face the problems, the more I could barely solve them. I just...you know...I think I've been lying myself—no, no, I did to GD, too. I just thought too easily about I could get it both ways. I thought that I could have him and I could pursue my dream."
"Do you know you can't have it both, right? You have to choose and lose one."
"Yes, I know." I nod, swallow hardly. "I might be able to choose but I don't want to lose one of them."
I turn to the bartender and order a glass of sidecar. Maybe one soft drink would blow my mind for a bit. I know I shouldn't shift solving problem until it's hard to fix. But I can't help, I hate myself thinking too much. My brain is too small to take shit, and it has just a few empty folders to be filled by the overload of thoughts.
"What if you have to choose? You do know one day you have to do it," Thomas asks, putting his chin on his palm as sipping his glass.
Is he serious? Wasn't he the one who mentioned that I don't have to answer for everything? It feels like opening a can of worms. I did open but I don't want to look at it anymore.
"I don't know, yet," I simply say as take a sidecar from the bartender and sip it immediately without even breathing. Who knows I could throw up again if I smell it. However, I think I'm coming in the right way. I have no any affection for drinking alcohol like the last times. Shall I order one more glass?
"Come on, Kim. You're going to choose it somehow. What if you choose him over your dream, and what am I going to help you for?" His question and his serious tone hit me. I know he's looking at me and I keep looking down towards the bar.
You are such a jerk, Dais. When are you going to stop ignoring everything you feel uncomfortable with?
"Your dream or him?"
Can he not rush me? Lord knows I'm bad at making a fast decision.
"I don't know. I really don't. I have to have it both ways," I reply, irritated. I'm sitting with my face in my hands so that I don't have to squint that he's really looking at me.
I could hear him exhaling heavily. I know I'm pulling him into the dead end. He's absolutely right about asking this kind of stuff. What is he going to help my career dream for if I can't decide my exact future? I've loved my dream since I can remember. And I don't want to stop it due to my twenty-three-year-old me. Anyway, I had never been in a serious relationship before. I am like a lost puppy who's finally got the true owner and unable to be homeless anymore. That's why I really can't choose and lose one of them.
"You seem to love him so much. That's why you really can't put your whole life dream over him," he snickers.
"I do," I say through my breath. A tear drops on my palm.
Thomas holds my hands and softly pulls them out of my face. He looks totally worried, even though my tears are gathering around the corner of my eyes and I can barely see his face.
"I hate to say this but I think I have to." He holds my hand over the bar. I let him since his touch apparently helps me less sad and lonely. He intertwines his fingers into mine while we're in the eye contact.
"Since I've known you before, I think you're letting him break your rules and put you into wildest dreams. You never let anyone even including me do this. You've fought for what matters to your dreams. You're just confused, Kim. If there weren't him around, I know you'd surely be a perfect singer like you've wanted so soon. And you know what, you are breaking his life, too. This thing isn't going to work. The long-distance relationship never works on anyone. It's just temporary. One day you two have to be apart because you broke both of your lives until you could barely see your own souls."
I fucking want him to stop talking but I keep listening and staring at his face. He reads my mind for what I already knew but I kept ignoring it.
"You'll be hollow who can't even love one another and even anyone. You're going to be alone if you keep letting this thing happen. Don't ruin his life and yourself. I bet it's still not too late to stop...and there's still someone whom you can love...and who gives you both ways as you want." My both ways? Dream and lovable way?
I shake my head for a bit to clear my mind. Tears are no longer stuck in my eyes. They pull down on my cheeks like they never came out before. Maybe it might not be his mean words.
Maybe it's Sidecar which actually blows me off like this.
Blame everyone but yourself, Dais. Blame everything like you never be wrong, Fucking Daisies.
I close my eyes and shake my head again to focus on what's right and wrong. I am so confused. In the meantime, Thomas's scent hits my nose softly. I open my eyes and now he's literally leaning himself closer to me. Our noses almost touching. Our hands still together.
He gives me a meaningful look with his familiar dark brown eyes which is a bit attracted to me. And I can't look away from his eyes, especially when I'm so lost in my messy thoughts. "Let him go and choose yourself. Your dreams are too good to be broken by him. You deserve better," he says and then slightly presses his lips against mine. His kiss gets me feel familiar like I've felt before. He tries to shove his tongue into my mouth. But when I let him do, there's an immediately unfavorable taste I get.
He's not my favorite taste. He's not the one who knows how to get me. He's not what I want. And I know that moment...he is not him.
I push him off, not that hard but it's hard enough for him to know what he's doing is wrong. Totally wrong. He looks very amazed and awkward at the same time as I'm giving him a death glare.
"I'm sorry, Thomas. But you're wrong...I broke my rules to let him in."
KWON JIYONG
"It's so fucking annoying. Now she turned her phone off to avoid me."
Youngbae giggles. "She's working. Believe in her."
"No one can work with their exes unless they still love each other," I remind him with my cool smirk.
"C'mon. He shall be leaving here so soon. Don't need to worry," he says and raises his glass of beer towards me. I frustratedly lift up my (water) glass and click his.
"Youngbae, can I ask you a question?" I say after drank up my glass of water.
"Sure. But you have to answer me first. What the hell is this? Are you still working with your ex, too?" Youngbae reaches his thumb backwards to CL who's sitting among Seungri and Daesong at the end of the room. Luckily, Seungri surprised us by inviting some Victoria Secret's models to this pub, and T.O.P just came back to the penthouse with one of them. To be honest, if he still was here, I'd be deaf from being scolded by him.
"No, she's not even my ex. We were just friends with benefits. She came here because I was trying to get back Daisies. That's all," I tell him and sip my glass. I wish it were Vodka or beer. As the matter of fact, I was about to get drunk today but I can't get drunk or even smell alcoholic. Daisies has been allergic to this smell lately.
"And you didn't have some better ways else but invited CL hanging with us?" Youngbae shakes his head.
"Sorry. I wish I thought it through," I honestly say. "Anyway, I want to ask you something. Have you...uh...fuck I don't know what to describe. Well, do you know a tiny product box—something like a pill box but it's not?"
Youngbae thoughtfully blinks for a second and then snorts. "What the hell are you talking about? A box of condoms?"
"No, it's not. Don't you think I don't know what a condom box looks like? I'm mentioning about girl stuff."
He shrugs. "What kind of that stuff?"
"Well, I barely know...it's a light rectangle box. I wasn't looking at it exactly."
"The more you say or do, the more I get confused."
I frustratedly click my tongue and then gesture my fingers as the size of the box I'm mentioning for him. "It's something looking like this. I don't know how to tell. I saw it in Daisies's bucket today and she picked it back before I could even look at it directly. I can't stop wondering about it. I am sure it's not her medicine."
"You mean her tampon box?"
I glance him with a death glare. "Are you serious? Look at my hands. It's small like this and almost hollow." I elaborate him again with my gesture.
He watches my hands curiously for a moment and then waves for me. "I don't really know what you're talking about. Why do you want to know so badly?"
I sigh. "It did ring my bell about something what my guts called. But I don't know what it is. But you know, never mind. I'll sneak it through later."
The first thing that I ever do when I got home is surely going to be creeping Daisies's wardrobe.
"If you want to know so much, why didn't you ask her?"
I roll my eyes. "I accidentally smashed her wardrobe. She was so mad. I couldn't dare ask her."
He smirks before reaches his glass towards me. "I wish Bona did smash your head back, too."
I sarcastically lift up the corner of my mouth for him. Meanwhile, CL walks back into us with a glass of beer in her hand. She slides her fingers across the table and then wraps her arm around my neck.
"Well, I better call my girlfriend." Youngbae takes off. However, before he leaves, he secretly mouths for me 'you did this to yourself' and then walks away. I just shake my head.
"Why are you so upset like this, Oppa? Come on, she isn't here. Be cool," CL says, sitting on one of my laps and runs her fingers through my hair. I swing my head away from her hands, and she's a little bit surprised but less than a second later she puts back her cool mask on.
"Sorry. But I'm not in the mood," I unenthusiastically say and lift her body off of my lap.
"Why not? I thought you wanted to have fun. You called me, remember?" she says with a fake smile. But then she steps backwards a few steps, covering her mouth as if she's seeing a ghost. "Oh, no. Don't tell me you broke up with that blonde girl."
I exhale, snapping her glass and knock it into my throat. Been telling myself not to drink but this is my habit, I can't help.
"No, not yet...wait," I stop myself, wiping my mouth with my sleeve and smell the glass. This is not beer. It's...
"It's Spirytus. The highest alcohol degree," CL says, as if she could read my mind. "You have such a great sense. Not everyone knows at first sip."
I lick my lips and reach the glass back to her. "Can I refill?"
"Sure thing, my Oppa." She kisses my cheek and then walks back to the bar where Seungri and Daesong fooling among Victoria Secret's models.
What is that Daisies's small box?
As the matter of fact, it wasn't unwrapped the plastic seal. I couldn't even look at it properly about what it is when it dropped out from the small bucket and lied on the floor. I was about to flip the front box up though, but meanwhile that she came up—angrily.
It's not her actual medicine for sure because she told me she didn't attend her upcoming doctor's appointment yet. So she can't have been sorted her medicine and I remember all of her pills, too. What the hell is that fucking box?
It's not that big of a deal. And why am I so curious about this? Maybe it might be her cosmetic, doesn't it? Maybe I should stop thinking about her for at least one hour and enjoy myself on this fucking Valentines's day. She doesn't even care about what today is and chose running into her ex-boyfriend over her recent boyfriend. What a crap. This year has obviously launched so dramatic. Well, it wouldn't have been like this at all if that Fucking Thomas didn't show up in Daisies's life again. It wouldn't have been pathetic for both of us, if there were just me and her.
"No, it's my phone. You can't have it..."
I barely hear Youngbae talking. His tone sounds serious. I squint at the end of the room where the boys and CL are. He's turning his back towards me.
"Sure I can." CL smiles at him and snaps a phone from Youngbae's hand and then jogs into me. I watch Youngbae quickly whispering to Seungri and Daesong for a second, and then their eyes go widen. They jump on their feet and hurriedly run towards me.
I look away from them running for a moment and turn to CL who came back with a bottle of Spirytus and Youngbae's phone.
"Oppa, I have something cool for you," CL says with her devil grin and raises the phone to my face. "Look at your girlfriend...oh...should I call your ex-girlfriend already?"
What the f...
"Hyung, don't!"
"CL, take my fucking phone back."
"Hyung, look up at this model. She's topless. Don't look at the phone...aahhh!"
Daesong, Youngbae and Seungri simultaneously shout as running. I barely hear what they say next or even realize what's going on in this room. My hands are shaking. My mind goes numb. My insides immediately turn ice.
"What the fuck is this!?" I look up at CL, turning the screen towards her.
Youngbae stops beside me, gasping. "Jiyong, listen to me. Don't begin to panic. I think Bona can explain about this," he says.
"Explains?" CL repeats. "She kissed another guy in a public place after she spotted kissing Jiyong oppa in America just few months ago. There are still plenty of people thinking about she's dating with Oppa. Can't she wait until the rumors disappear before kissing another guy?"
"CL, don't," Youngbae warns, his tone frighteningly reckless. Then, he tries to make eye contact with me. "Jiyong, I believe it might be camera angles shot. Don't freak out, yet."
I can sense he's patting my back and bending to force me to look at him. He seems worried about me, but I'm quite not sure. I barely feel my surroundings for a while. All I'm focusing on is the picture of Daisies kissing Fucking Thomas in some fucking bar. She's being allergic to alcohol smell, and why the hell she's in this goddamn place? Why her lips are in his mouth like that? Why she lets him holding her two hands as if she does not even mind?
Why did she do this to me?
"A camera angle? Come on. He's not that numb. I dare a toddler to argue me whether it's fake shots or not," CL scoffs with Youngbae. "Admit it. Your beloved Hyung's girlfriend is such a betrayed American."
"It's none of your business, CL. Can we talk with Hyung privately?" I hear Daesong recklessly snaps.
As I'm being unable to stop staring at this spotted picture, Seungri bends his knees down beside me and holds my arm.
"Hyung, I think there's something misunderstanding for sure...it might be some girl who looks alike Bona, right, Hyungs?"
I furiously turn to him. "I've been 24/7 with her for fucking months, Seungri. I've seen her every fucking day. Why can't I remember her?"
"Jiyong, calm down." Youngbae pats my back. "It's going to have an explain from her. She so loves you. She won't betray you or anyone," he says with a taunt tone. I squint at him, and he's gazing at CL with a warning glare.
"Looks like she's such an angle for you guys. I'll tell you what, American can't be trusted. They're all selfish." CL begins to argue with Youngbae and then along with Seungri and Daesong. They're arguing over my head as if I wasn't even here.
I toss Youngbae's phone across the table until it drops down to the floor. It's not that hard but it's loud enough to shut their mouths for a moment. Everyone in this room goes frozen and pays their attention towards me.
"Don't follow me. I'll come home," I announce, grabbing the Spirytus bottle from CL's hand and then leave myself at the sight door.
"Jiyong." Youngbae grabs my wrist. "You're too far to handle when you're really angry. I'll come with you."
"I said don't, Youngbae, " I simply command without looking at him. He knows me the best. If I say I don't, I definitely mean don't. He holds my wrist thoughtfully for a second and then defeats to leave me alone.
I put up my phone calling Daisies while heading straight to my car. I don't give a fuck if she's turning off her phone or not. All I want to know at first before someone else filling me in is her. I want her to tell me everything first about why the hell she kissed her ex-boyfriend. My chest is getting frightening. To be honest, I am normally such a calm person. I am even calmer than Youngbae. But whenever I'm angry...I'll do non-stop harsh things. It's too damn hard to get rid of my temper. I've tried my best to be so calm when I'm around with Daisies because I do fucking know she is such a temper person. She's like fire and I'm water.
But what if we switch our forms?
Do I have to take shitty pills like she does? Oh, maybe I don't have to. In my head, my bloody piece of shitty little voices keeps telling me I am not wrong—not even close. They keep whispering to me what my heart is against to listen...'She's cheating on you.'
"Hello?" comes with her cool voice through the line, breaking my thoughts while I'm climbing myself into the car and throw the bottle of Spirytus on the shotgun. I'm about to say something next but then she cuts me off with her annoying tone, "Listen, if you want to check on me so badly, Daddy...I'm home, okay? Today was completely nothing with him. And if you don't mind, please leave me alone for a few hours. I have so much to think about and I don't want to fight with you yet, bye."
She's hanging up on me and I immediately spit through the line, "Oh, yeah. You better. Enjoy kissing your sucked ass ex-boyfriend. I'll leave you fucking alone."
"How did you kno...." Her tone sounds so calmer and surprised. But I hung up on her before she says something next, and then throw my phone backwards to the backseat, pulling my car off into the road.
So she doesn't know what's going on out there. Did she ever realize kissing in a public place is not funny, especially in this city where too many cameras on her?
'Today was completely nothing with him.'
Nothing? Nothing? Fucking nothing? And why the hell was her mouth gone into his like that?
Fuck. I wish I said these words to the phone. Have you ever felt so pity for yourself when you stepped out from the argument and then it turns out you just realize some cruel words that you think you should have said it to their faces? That's me. That's how I'm feeling.
"Motherfucker!" I hardly punch my palm against the steering wheel. I wish it were Fucking Thomas's face right now.
Oh, wait, my dearest God. What if it could be, right now?
I then u-turn my car into the another road.
If I want to punch someone's face, I could. And no one can stop me.
* * *
The lounge lobby door finally cracks open, and then there's a jerk entering into the room. A receptionist, who comes along with him, bends her head towards me and then closes the door behind her back.
Fucking Thomas shows the most curious look that I expected he would fucking do.
"Well, well, well. Looks who just arrived." I lay the half bottle of Spirytus down the table, folding my legs, looking at him from head to toes. I can't decline that he's such a handsome guy. That's why I become more jealous. "You know what, I never wait for anyone for too damn long like this before. Don't forget to write it on your notebook, you did let G-DRAGON waited for whole ten fucking minutes."
He's staring at me thoughtfully for a moment, pointing at the door and me back and forth, as if he's puzzling some thoughts in his head.
"Did you lie to the receptionist that I stole the key card of my hotel to force me here?"
I smirk, shrugging.
He seems a little bit angry, and that is the best reaction I ever wanted. "I know this is the hotel of your friend's dad. But don't you think this is too far? You should have called me properly."
I stand up, drinking up the Spirytus bottle, and then wipe my mouth with my sleeve sloppily. "Too far? You kissed my girlfriend in a public place, isn't it too far, too?"
"How do you know?" His voice sounds surprised and calm like Daisies just did on the phone.
I sarcastically exhale, snicker, "Americans aren't really fond of a social media thing."
"I'm British. I just can speak American accent," he corrects.
"I don't give a fuck!" I shout. "You kissed my girlfriend that what literally matters. What the fuck is wrong with you, huh? You're finished shooting your shitty film here weeks ago. Why do you still exist in this city?"
"Wait a sec. Are you stroking me?"
Why do I have to waste my time stroking your life? I just paid money to get that information.
"You're avoiding my question, jerk," I say, chucking the rest of the Spirytus before I realize I have to drive myself home. Fuck. I have to finish this before I get completely drunk.
"You weren't supposed to do this." He shakes his head, still on a cool tone than mine. "Listen, I'm sorry for kissing Kim. It was a mistake."
He's sorry but I'm not enough.
I throw away the empty bottle on the armchair beside me and shake my head a little bit to get rid of my high alcohol level. My heart is beating so fucking fast right now.
"Get your ass out of this city. Don't talk to my gir—fiancée ever again."
He defiantly throws his hand in the air. "I'm sorry but she needs me right now. I'm helping her to pursue her dream. You know, she's been dreaming about being singer since she can remember."
"You're helping her or you're trying to get into her pants?" I step closer to him. Neither I just want to beat him, but I want to focus on his goddamn face, too. I really shouldn't have drunk too much. Just like I mentioned, I'm a calm person. But if I'm angry, I'll do the non-stop harsh things.
We're staring at each other for a while. This guy doesn't show whether he's terrified or even sorry. He beats me back through the sight eyes. Then he shoves his hands into his pockets and exhales as if he's going to be a winner tonight. But he's not. I won't ever let that happen.
"Well, at first I was just trying to actually help her." He smirks and then says the thing that I already knew he thought about it for a long time, but I hate hearing it personally, "But whoever thought your fiancée is so damn hot like this. And just so you know...I did already get into her pants before you. I'm just trying to get back into it aga....ughh! What the fuck!"
Yeah, I told you about whatever harsh things I do when I'm angry.
He pulls himself up from the floor, touching his nose. His blood pouring down from his nose to chin. So I finally did what I came here for, but I'm not happy or even feeling better than I was. On the other hand, my wrists are shaking, my head is heating. I can't even control myself when Fucking Thomas jumps to his feet and then punches me back into my face. I collide myself on the floor, staring at the ceiling, and try to pull myself together.
"Do you think I'm stupid enough to believe that you two are engaged? It's the most absurd lie that I ever heard," Fucking Thomas half-says, half-shouts. I sit up, trying to stand on my own. He walks past me to grab a tissue on the table beside me and wipes his bloody nose with it.
"I know I shouldn't have broken up with her. But you know what? I took just one glance, I know you two can't be possible. This relationship between you and her is such absurd. Do you ever think it's gonna last forever? C'mon. Korean singer and American singer? It's so fucking stupid temporary. Neither today or tomorrow, you two are gonna be strangers again. I'm just waiting for a while before I get back to my place"—he pauses, smirking dirtily—"well, who knows maybe she would go with me."
Daisies won't go anywhere with you, motherfucker.
I lean my palm against the floor to get to my feet; in the meantime, my phone drops out from my pocket. Its screen shows Daisies's calling and then goes into lock-screen preview. 21 missed calls from her.
"Listen..." I take a deep long breath, standing face to face with him. "Even I'd break up with her today or tomorrow, it's none of your fucking business. She's mine now and she can't fucking leave without me."
He shakes his head, licking his bottom lip, staring at me like I am such a clown. "You know what? You're the main reason she's gonna leave. She can't even have her dreams or future because of you. I'll tell you a trick. This is what she actually is. She's just a heartless person who wants to get dependency...and you are the worst dependency. Let her go...not only her but you, too. You're torturing each other. Stop it."
I stare at him with no words, clenching my fist beside my hip. Am I too drunk to be unable to put any more words or am I got cornered by the fact?
I shake my head to get rid of blurry again. But the more I do, the more I'll be passing out. He's staring as if I am such a poor guy. I hate it.
"Leave me and her alone. I don't give a fuck whether we're torturing or not. We can't love anyone anymore but ourself. So get the fuck out of here. No one can't have her, especially you," I firmly announce, hardly picking up my phone and head straight to the door.
As I'm twisting the doorknob, he says one last word behind my back, "As a matter of fact, it's true that you can't love anyone anymore. But you can't love each other, too, because you broke yourselves until you have your own hollow hearts...it's not too late, yet, GD. It's not too late to let her go."
Hollow hearts? What a crap title.
I stare at the doorknob for a while as I sense he's staring at my back.
'But you can't love each other, too, because you broke yourselves until you have your own hollow hearts.'
'It's not too late to let her go.'
Stop recapping his shitty words, Jiyong. Focus! Meanwhile, my phone screen in my hand pings again—showing the twenty-second missed calls. The selfie lock-screen wallpaper of us and his words slightly combine to break my heart.
I take another one long deep breath, cracking the door open, and say without looking back, "Even if I really let her go, you'd be the last person in the world that she's going to get back with."
I extremely try to my best to pull myself back into the car. My heart never beats faster like this before.
"Focus, Jiyong. Focus," I keep telling myself, gripping the steering wheel tightly.
It's just a few minutes to the penthouse. I can do it, can't I? Whatever. Do I have too much choice? I start the engine and then drive the car out of the parking lot of the hotel. Have you ever got the picture of staring at the car window while it's raining? It's not raining, though. But I'm illustrating you when there's such a hard time to focus on the road. Almost everything gets blur. Ears turn deaf and hearing in the same time. Everything in my body turns in and off, in and off, and in and off.
"Focus!!" I smash at the steering wheel again, blinking rapidly. I'm stepping on the accelerator slowly until there's suddenly the sound of whistle rings around one meter ahead of my car.
"...shit!"
There's an alcohol check-point...
KIM BONA
It's already half past three in the morning. Me and the four boys are anxiously waiting for GD's comeback in the parking lot of our penthouse. GD got DUI and he's been arrested for five hours. And my mom has called yelling at me about the leaked picture of me kissing (another guy) during these five hours, too.
"His manager just called me he's taking Jiyong home from the police station in ten minutes," T.O.P says after hanging up the phone. I immediately exhale as a relief.
"Is he okay?" I ask.
He touches my shoulder. "He's okay. Just be easy on him, okay? He's been handcuffed for five hours."
"We're going upstairs to give you some privacy," Daesong tells me with his weak smile, patting my shoulder. I nod, forcing a smile back to him. I won't be smiling or laughing for ages. That's all I know.
Seungri and Youngbae cheerfully grin at me. We all look extremely exhausted from the lack of sleeping over the night. We've literally worried about GD. This is all my fault. I will not blame anyone or anything. If I were realizing thoroughly, none of this thing wouldn't happen. I freaking hate myself. Why do I never do a thing that makes myself proud but keep messing up?
"Stop blaming yourself, Bona," Youngbae says as reading my face.
"You said it was a mistake, then it was a mistake. We believe you," Seungri comfortingly adds.
I say nothing but nod for them. They look like they want to say something more to comfort me, but deep down they know there's nothing left that they can put words to defend me anything anymore. So they all hug me and take their leave.
Then after less than five long minutes that I've been blaming myself, there's a truck finally pulling over the front yard. GD climbs himself out of the truck. He bends over to the window to have chitchat something with the manager for a while, and then the truck drives away.
My heart is beating so loud as if it were beating outside my chest. Every steps he's walking down into this parking lot makes me want to run away and kill myself. I'm standing in the middle of the parking lot, but it seems like I was standing at the end of the room. I look like I'm such invisible. GD keeps looking over my shoulder, shoving his hands into his pockets, and walks like a dead person. It breaks my heart as hell for being ignored like this, especially from him. But this is the price I have to pay for what I've done.
I'm slightly amazed as he's kind of approaching to me. His tip nose unusually turns too purple.
"Oppa...are you oka..." I'm really caught off guard when GD is about to walk past me and I grab his wrist, but he coolly jerks his hand away.
Even I already prepared myself for this, I still can't go with the flow.
I am stunned for a brief second straight.
"I'm tired," he simply says, sloppily pulling his bangs up.
"Ca...can we talk?" I grab his wrist again. I'm so terrified if he jerks away again.
This time, he doesn't jerk my hand away, but turns to face me directly with his exhausted eyes. He looks so weary as if he could pass out any minute. The more I look at him into the eyes, the less I could hold my tears back.
"No need to cry. Tears are never used for a surrender."
"I'm sorry. I really am. But I want you to know it was nothing. I didn't pull myself together when he kissed me."
He watches me emotionlessly and then tears my hands out of him. "Really? Then, can I ask you a question?...when I was kissing you at the crosswalk, did you ever pull yourself together?"
"Of course I did," I reply immediately, as if it's even no need to think.
He sarcastically exhales and decides to walk past me again.
"I know what I did is so unforgivable. But the past we've been through isn't enough to let you know that there's no one can replace you?" I honestly say, tears slipping down my cheeks. He stops in front of the elevator, perking his head up at the ceiling, and combs his bangs up to his ponytails.
"I really love you and I never let anyone do this to me except you. It was really an accident. I went into him because I want him to help me through what I want. But it was so emotional for me when I know it's hard to have you and my career together. So that's why he kissed me by accident."
"If it's so hard like that, why don't you ever choose one of them, yet?" He finally turns to me, so coldly. So strangely.
"I can't choose. I need to have it both. But you know, I'll try to have you in my future. Even one way or another."
"So bullshit. Stop lying to yourself, Dais. There's no me and your dream career together." He steps closer to me, his eyes are bloodshot. "You know what? I even thought that you gave up your career and I already did prepare myself that we're going to have childless together. But turned out I was so wrong all the time. You and I have stubbornly pulled this too far. We've been putting problems behind and never fix them...do you really think I didn't hear what you sneakily released your songs when we were in America? Do you ever think I cannot force you into some big-name-music label? Listen to me, Dais. I could do it better than Fucking Thomas do. I could have even bounced two checks for you to pay your mom back in the very first place. But do you know why I didn't?" He pauses, staring at me feebly. "I didn't do it because I wanted you to stay in this city as long as possible. I tried everything I could so that there'd be a thin way that you can seek a way to leave me, but it was such a mistake for me. I'm the one who pulls you ending up for nothing...and you...you are...you..."—he starts to mutter, thoughtfully, breathing so fast—"you're the one who drags me down, too." His voice is gone at the mid-sentence. I don't know it's because of his exhausted energy or he's really sad to say that.
I don't know what to say or how to react. I don't even know how this conversation is going to end.
"Have I dragged you down?" I sort of whisper, more non-stop tears.
He watches me painfully in silence for a moment. Then he looks away, biting his bottom lip, and puts his hands on his hips. "...Yes," he half-says, half-whispers.
"But you know...for me, you never pull me ending up for nothing. In fact, you pull me up for better me," I honestly say, sobbing. I hate myself when I finally cry and it's so freaking hard to stop.
Our eyes stare at each other with the intensity of a thousand galloping horses. We are so painful.
"Is there anything we can fix..." I'm about to ask, but then he finishes me with his firm words and tone which I can't deny that it feels like a thousand knives stabbing into my chest,
"Can you leave right away?"
If he was crying or showing me some hint that he's sorry to say that, I'd believe him. But he doesn't even do anything like that. In fact, he's just staring at me so unemotionally. I really can't read anything from his face like I always do.
"I'm honestly telling you. I'm telling you like when you told me at first...I want to stop it before I get too hurt. If you love me, you better let me move on. You have to admit that we're impossible...I'm begging you...Bona. Please leave me right away. Leave yourself out of me so that we still can have our own full-hearts...not hollow ones."
Feels like I have earned so much of guilty and sadness in these less than 24 hours. All of the troubles keep punching into my face after I've been avoiding to fix for a long time. Now I have to take the karma for what I've done.
I put my face into my palms for a while, trying to mute the sobbing sound as much as I can. He doesn't even look sorry like I do. And that's why I don't want to cry in front of him right now. I feel like a pathetic person. This is what I deserve. This is the price I have to pay for being an idiot.
"So what am I supposed to do if there's no you?" I say, looking up. He's been watching me, and I could see the pain etches into his face but not too much. He looks sad but not regret.
He walks to the elevator and presses the up button. And before he's getting himself into it, he turns to me and says, "there's not just only me whom you can depend, Dai...Bona. You know you never be alone here."
* * *
"H..hey." T.O.P opens the door after I knocked for two minutes. He surprisingly looks at me and then to the suitcases beside my feet.
"Can I stay here for a while?" I deathly ask to the door beside his ear.
"Of course you can," he instantly replies as if there's no need to think. I already prepared myself for all the way to his apartment that I won't cry again in front of him. But when he gives me the most comfortable hug, my tears are no longer holding back anymore.
"I'm so sorry for you," he says after gently desperate me. "...but wait here a sec."
He points his index finger at me and then goes back into his room. I wait in the hallway for a minute until he finally comes back...with a Canadian-good-looking (having few clothes on) woman. I bet she's probably a model or celebrity.
"Now you can go. Your Uber is downstairs. Bye," he tells that woman, swiftly forcing a purse and pushing her into the hallway, and then pulls me inside his apartment so quickly.
"W...wait." She's about to say something. T.O.P immediately deposits my stuff inside and then shuts the door in front of her.
"You don't have to do this," I simply say.
"It's okay. I was going to take her to leave anyway," he cuts short before clearing his throat. "Well, you don't have to worry about anything. You can stay here as long as you want, got it?"
"...thank you," I coldly reply like a dead person. I want to thank him more than this, but that's what came out from my mouth. I'm tired and all of my trouble still awakes. There are too many fresh pains right now.
He watches me pitifully before wraps his arms around me again. We hug in silence without any explanation or description. It feels like we deep down know me crawling right back into his place was going to happen somehow.