I never dreamed he would reach out after our for want of a better explanation ambushing him, but Marshall proved me wrong, he messaged every day after ten to make sure I was okay, never answered if he was okay just seemingly content to know if I was doing alright and then last night an invite back to his house. In truth I could have cried I was that desperate to get out of my house and see another human being.
“Are you in love with him?” I let his question linger in the air between us, too comfortable and peaceful to delve so deeply into my feelings.
Lying here naked in Marshall’s arms in his bed is an entirely new mood and I feel warm and safe, not that I’m not safe in my day to day life but this feels like I’m enveloped in Marshall armour and I like it.
His fingers trail softly up and down my spine as I consider my answer carefully, he deserves the truth but I’m not sure how to articulate it to him.
“That’s a difficult question to answer” I whisper, he sighs, his chest moving me up and down slowly.
“It’s not really Jasmin, it’s a simple yes or no”
I should be angry with that comment but he’s never been in my position, he wants to know my feelings and I want to hide them from him, I don’t want him to think I’m a bad person.
It really is a complicated question that I deal with on a daily basis, it’s hard to explain how physically and mentally exhausted I am without it making me sound like the most selfish human being in the entire universe.
How my feelings swung back and forth in those early days after the accident, they changed with the wind just like Jack’s moods but ultimately I knew what the truth of that question was now and it was almost too much to bare some days.
“I’m not in love with my husband any more” I state softly, tears pricking at my eyes because admitting it to someone for the first time hurts my heart so badly.
“Why?”
“Because he isn’t the man I fell in love with any more, he looks like him but my Jack is long gone”
“So because he’s paralysed, you don’t think he’s the same person any more?” His statement wounds me and the safe protected feeling flees my body at a thousand miles an hour, I get that I’m not making myself clear but I get the feeling he also deliberately misinterpreted my words.
“No, not that” my voice is firm desperately trying to get him to understand me but I don’t fully understand myself so there’s that to complicate all of this shit too.
“I meant his personality, his soul if you like is changed and no I don’t blame him at all because what happened to him is so monstrous that I can barely believe its real some days. To be a man so alive and full of life and now he’s trapped, I don’t blame him for being mean, for hating the hand that life dealt us. I fucking hate it too” I’m trying so hard not to get angry or cry, I tried to leave those emotions behind me a long time ago.
“But you were hurt too, have you changed?”
My laugh is a wry one “I have, I’m emotionally harder. I gave up my career and things that I loved to care for him and I hated it and I carry the guilt of being so selfish but I got off lightly don’t you think, yes I’m scarred, but I can feel, walk and run. I could do everything I enjoyed doing before. I can live my life as normal, Jack has none of that, so please don’t feel anger towards him if he’s mean to me, he’s just trying to cope” I don’t want to get into this now just when I was feeling so relaxed, the big black cloud looms over me once more.
“To be clear Marshall, I love him very much just not ‘in love’ with him any more, I won’t leave him either” I look up at him, he’s looking down at me with a frown on his sexy face, my fingers find themselves idly scratching through his scruff of a beard gently, trying to stop this line of conversation.
He’s trying hard to wrap his head around this and I do understand it must be hard for him.
Suddenly I’m flipped from my comfy position onto my back, the covers ripped off of us, causing a freezing draught and making me shudder. Marshall looks down at my chest examining my scars intently.
Once he’s done his finger strokes gently down the length of my scar from surgery “What caused this one?” he blows softly on it and I nearly lose my mind.
I can’t think for a moment as he begins planting soft warm kisses up the length of it “Jasmin, the scar?” he reminds me dragging me out of the fog of desire I find myself in.
“Luckily for me I guess, two surgeons were on a ride along that day, the force of the impact ruptured my aorta, they opened my chest on the side of the road, one of them held his hand over my aorta and the other one massaged my heart to keep me alive. This scar saved my life” I tell him proudly because I am, proud of the people who intervened and saved my life.
“Then I love this scar” he whispers looking up into my eyes, I’m glad I insisted on a change in conversation because this one is making me feel fucking awesome about myself.
Marshall’s fingers move across the others lightly, one by one like he’s mapping them out “You have no scars on your face” he puts out there, “No, apparently I put my hands out in front of me, natural reflex I suppose” he examines my hands then, tracing the very faint silver reminders is scars there, they healed better on my hands and arms than my chest for some reason.
“Do you have any scars?” I ask out of interest, I think I’ll win if comparing but I don’t recall seeing any on him but he surprises me by holding out his left arm, hand palm up and taking my hand he moves it over the tattoo that say ‘slit me’ I feel the raised bump and hold my breath, it’s my one fear that Jack will find some way to end his life, it terrifies me and the thought that Marshall had those thoughts and attempted it frightens me.
“Do you still feel that way” my voice is strained showing my fear but he shakes his head while stroking the palm of my hand.
“No, little one. We’re both damaged, just in different ways” he doesn’t elaborate and I’m not sure if I want to press him any further, I just avoided some awkward questions and I don’t want to talk about me any more.
His arms stretch mine over my head, linking our fingers as he settles the length of his body along mine, I like it when he does this, I like feeling him all over me, he let’s go of one of my hands and I use it to stroke my way from his shoulder, down his back and over his peachy butt, dragging my nails along the way, he groans softly, growing hard quickly and I try to open my legs so he’s exactly where I need him to be, my belly tightening with excitement. Marshall flexes his hips in a gently rocking motion, his soft sighs in my ear telling me I’m not the only feeling excited but suddenly he’s up leaping out of bed leaving me cold and frustrated I watch in shock as he pulls up his boxers and shrugs a hoodie over his head before handing me the t shirt he flung on the floor earlier, I clutch it to me, frowning deeply.
I wanted sex and now I don’t know what he’s playing at.
“Get up and get dressed” he demands “No” is my petulant answer before throwing the comforter back over my head and burrowing back under the warm sheets, how dare he deny me.
My hand is extracted from under the blanket and something hot, hard and velvety is placed in my hand “I know you want this Jasmin but I got you a gift and depending on how graciously you accept my gift, you’ll get it” he speaks into the room, I stroke his dick cheekily before he drops my hand once more and with a lot of dramatic fuss I shrug on his t shirt and get out of bed, still frowning to which he laughs at.
With a roll of eyes he leads me downstairs to his kitchen “I need to put this on you” I’m enveloped in darkness as he covers my eyes, checking if I can see before he leads me out into his back yard.
I’m fucking frozen standing barefoot in his t shirt which thankfully just about covers my bare ass “This better be worth the frostbite Mathers “ he laughs at me before spinning me around and removing the scarf from my eyes.
“Now look at me, this isn’t the most stylish thing you’ve ever seen but I wanted to help you, well you and Jack really” he trails off at the mention of Jack looking over my shoulder and I’m surprised and even more surprised when he spins me again to reveal a huge red car.
“I was thinking its probably hard to get Jack out and go far so I thought maybe this would help” I’m rendered speechless by Marshall’s kindness and generosity, he thought about us, he thought about something that could make Jack’s life better, my tears start flowing freely.
“So it’s been modified a little and they told me Jack could easily manage the ramp in his chair, he might need a few practises, the passenger seat is gone so he can sit next to you and there’s clamps to hold his chair in place. The ramp is motorised so you won’t have to lift in and out” I still can’t speak, in fact I can barely breathe through my tears, he doesn’t realise what this could do for us, what he’s just given us is a much needed link to a wider world again.
“Now remember if you want this” he cups his dick and balls through his boxers “Then there’s to be no nonsense about you can’t accept such a gift, blah, blah, blah”
As I can’t speak I launch myself at him instead wrapping my arms and legs around him, luckily he catches me, cold hands grabbing my cold butt cheeks and I kiss his face all over “Thank you, thank you, thank you” he laughs at me.
“That wasn’t the struggle I thought it was going to be baby”
"Is it okay to drive it on a Wednesday when Jack isn't with me?" I ask cautiously worried he might think I'm abusing the gesture.
"Of course you can Jasmin, it's yours and there's nothing to pay on it either, insurance, fuel for the next year its all sorted baby"
I giggle loudly with happiness before pulling back and looking at him, studying his happy face “There’s so much I could say about you spending this amount of money on us but I’d be an idiot to not just say thank you and take it” he grins before kissing me softly
“Let’s get you inside, your ass is hanging out putting on a show for my neighbours”
Laughing he walks quickly inside with me still wrapped around his body, once inside I finally find my voice once more
“Thank you, you can never know what you just did for us. Thank you. I don’t need big gestures from you, days like today just being with you is all I need Marshall and I’m sorry for not warning you when you came to the house, I’m ashamed of that but I’m grateful for you, truly I am”
He nods not saying anything in answer to my gushing gratitude, some how he’s managed to get deep inside of my heart and I think I love him, it’s scary and it shouldn’t be that way, I shouldn’t be falling in love but I just can’t help it any more.
I’m hoisted up over his shoulder with a sharp slap to my ass as he carries me back up the stairs “Now I do believe promises were made before the gift giving and I like to keep my promises” he grunts before throwing me on the bed.
I make to take the t shirt off but he stops me “No, keep it on” I’m suddenly afraid its because of the scars and he must sense that because he blushes “Its just that’s my favourite t shirt on my favourite girl and my favourite bits are peeking out at me”
I look down at my body “All of your favourite bits?”
He gives me the once over before commenting again and moving to push the t shirt up and over my breasts “You’re right, now that’s better”
All I can think as he lowers his now naked body back down on mine is how lucky I am, my behaviour last week would have seen off the best of intentioned men but Marshall is something else, he doesn’t have a selfish bone in his body, I know he would have fought with Jack last week, they would have both fought over me but didn’t because of Jack’s situation. I didn’t think I was worthy of such extreme emotions but at the same time I felt good.
Just like I feel good now, Marshall’s head buried between my legs, one hand kneading a breast while he slips a finger inside of me, promises of what’s to come and for once I feel like I’m in exactly the right place at the right time.
Shake It Out
By
Florence And The Machine.
Just as a side note, thanks once again for reading my story, I just wanted to say about the songs I've chosen, the words don't always match what's going on within the chapters or the titles make any sense maybe lol but it's the sentiment and feeling I get of a song instead.
All of the music I've picked bar one is my favourite and I love them all.