Remus willed his body to go back to sleep. It was a Saturday morning and judging by the light slowly starting to pour into the dormitory it was early morning. He hadn't slept well, and knew that a couple hours more sleep would do him good and make it more possible for him to face the day. but once he was awake his mind started going and he knew there was no point. So he quietly pulled the sheets off his body and got dressed.
The rest of the boys were fast asleep, and Remus had no intention of waking them. A part of him wanted Sirius to wake up, and come with him. But he knew that wouldn't happen, the boy hadn't uttered a word to him in days. He was done hoping on Sirius.
It was too early to head to breakfast, so instead Remus decided to walk the grounds. Adults always said fresh air cleared the mind, and who knows maybe it would. The air was cool, with the sun only just peaking over the trees in the forbidden forrest casting long shadows. Without really thinking Remus set off on the path he and Lukas used to walk on their secret mornings togethers.
Exactly a week ago Remus had been comfortably asleep in his four poster bed, knowing that the day ahead of him held a detention for him and Sirius. Not knowing what that detention and the hours after would lead to. Exactly a week ago Remus had been happy, now he cursed that day. Wished he'd stayed asleep in his four poster bed. But he had to go and ruin everything.
Sirius had seemed happy when they were together on the astronomy tower. But the next morning he seemed off, by the time he got to potions Sirius wouldn't even make eye contact with him. At one point Remus made an attempt to touch Sirius' hand comfortingly under the table, only to have it aggressively pushed off. That had been the moment that broke Remus. Sirius clearly wanted nothing to do with him. Even their friendship seem to hang in the balance with Sirius rarely even speaking to him.
Remus made it around the lake, shoving his hands into his pockets and stopped for a minute letting his eyes wander back up to the castle. He wondered if Sirius was still asleep, or if he had woken up. If Sirius had even notice that Remus wasn't in the dorm, or if he even cared.
"What's wrong?" A voice said from behind him.
He turned to see Lukas sitting under a tree a book open but his eyes trained on Remus. This was possibly the last person Remus wanted to see in the world.
"Nothing" Remus said starting to walk away but he heard Lukas get up and start walking as well.
"I know you" he said taking stride with Remus now "something is up."
"Anyone who knows me would know I don't like when someone basically calls me a whore in front of the whole school" Remus snapped back.
"Okay point taken" Lukas said. "But seriously Remy"
"Don't call me that" Remus said picking up the pace but Lukas just matched him again.
"Okay, I won't call you Remy or a whore, now will you talk to me?" Lukas said.
"No"
"Please"
"Why do you care" Remus said finally turning to look at Lukas and seeing a genuine expression on his face.
"I'm sorry okay! Fuck Remus I'm so fucking sorry" Lukas said and for a moment Remus worried he might cry but his emotion just turned into anger. "God I was such an idiot. It was such a thoughtless, think to do. In front of all those people."
Lukas turned and kicked at the ground. It was almost scary how angry he was now and Remus couldn't help but pity him.
"I made a total fool of myself as well. The whole school knows I'm an asshole now. And they are right. God I wish your friends hit me with 70 more jinx's i deserved it."
"Stop it" Remus said finally as he was starting to worried Lukas would just keep going on "you acted like an asshole. And I'm pissed about it. But that doesn't make you an asshole. Okay!"
They had both stopped walking and looked at each other for a moment.
"Just don't do asshole things anymore Lukas. It's that simple." Remus said smiling a little.
"So would helping you with your problem count as not being an asshole." Lukas said with a grin.
"Honestly Lukas I'm not even sure what my problem is" Remus said exhaustion clear in his tone.
"It's about Sirius Black isn't it?" Lukas said.
"How'd you know?" Remus asked genuinely surprised.
"It's always Sirius Black. If your happy it's cause Sirius Black just wrote to you, if your worried it's cause Sirius family did something nasty, and if your sad it's cause Sirius Black has done something to hurt you, so what did he do?" Lukas asked and Remus noticed a bit of envy in his voice. Remus realized for the first time that Lukas was aware at least to some extent of how Remus felt for Sirius. And suddenly Remus felt guilty again. He had never thought of the ways he had hurt Lukas. He'd been to wrapped up in his own pain, to notice Lukas'. Which just made Remus feel more selfish than he already did.
"Yeah" was all Remus could reply "It's Sirius but I don't really fancy talking about it."
"Okay" Lukas said "Hey did you see the Prophet yesterday. More uprising, their seems to be a proper movement against Muggleborns forming."
The two were almost round the lake now and the sun completely up. "I saw. And I'm honestly not surprised."
"You aren't?" Lukas asked taken a back.
"Ever since I first heard of wizards and Muggleborns having bad blood I knew their been hunted eventually. The world is a lot worse then people realize." He didn't add that Sirius was the first one to explain to him how his family viewed Muggleborns. And how it immediately reminded him of how the world hated him. How werewolves were hunt for sport, seen as barely human. At the time he was sure that if Sirius' family hated muggleborns Sirius would hate him when he found out what he was. But he didn't. At least not then.
"You truely are a ball of sunshine this morning." Lukas said chancing a smile at Remus which he returned.
"Sorry. Maybe try a happier conversation topic." Remus said to tried to think of one himself.
"You going home for Christmas?" Lukas tried, and this did cheer him up a bit. The two knew each other's families well so they talked with ease about the how Lukas Mum always sang while she cooked, or how Remus' always got his Dad the same pair of socks for Christmas cause he never wanted anything else. This conversation lasted all the way back to the castle, and Remus found by the time they walked into the great hall his mood was slightly lifted. However it dropped a little when he looked at the Gryffindor table and saw James, Sirius, and Peter looking up at him with shock. Lukas seemed to his noticed as well, turning to Remus and saying.
"Have fun with that."
"Oh I will" Remus muttered scarcistically
"It was umm nice talking to you Remy" Lukas tried with a cheeky grin that momentarily reminded him of Sirius.
"Still just Remus, but it was good to talk to you to."
With that the two parted ways. Remus walked as slowly as he could to prolong the pause before the awkward conversation. But eventually he got there and took a seat besides Peter.
"Good morning" he said not looking at anyone and grabbing a plate of sausages. After a long pause he looked up to see all three of his friends staring at him. His eyes lingered on Sirius trying to see if he felt hurt or betrayed, but nothing could be felt or seen there, it was empty.
"What?" Remus asked turning to look at James, who just raised his eyebrows "what!" He repeated.
"Are we forgetting what he did to you!" James said "back to sneaking off every morning with that ass"
"I didn't sneak off with him. I went for a walk, and he happened to be there. We talked a little, it was nothing." Remus said still attempting to just brush it off.
"did he call you a slut on this casual chat?" Sirius asked sarcastically but without making eye contact.
"No he didn't. We just chatted about the Christmas Holidays." Remus said honestly.
An awkward silences went on with all friends not wishing to fully acknowledge what was going on. Finally the silence was finally interrupted by a pretty Ravenclaw girl with long dark hair, and soft brown skin saying "Ready?"
For a minute Remus was confused as he thought the girl was talking to him, but when he followed her eyeline he realized he was looking right at Sirius.
"Yeah" Sirius said "I'll meet you in the enterance hall"
She nodded at him before turning and walking towards the entrance briskly. Sirius starting to shove the last pieces of food into his mouth as he gathered his stuff.
"Who's that Padfoot?" James asked with a smirk.
"That would be Lucy." Sirius replied grinning in response "she asked me out a couple days ago, I said no originally but changed my mind. You know she's never called me a slut in front of the whole school."
He turned and glared at Remus when he said this and Remus was filled with a mix of emotions. Partly he wanted to explain to Sirius that nothing had happened with Lukas. That he had only talked to him at all because he missed Sirius, how much more he would have enjoyed his morning if it had been Sirius on that walk with him. But another angrier part of him knew Sirius would have scheduled this date days ago, way before his walk, when he wasn't even talking to Remus. That Sirius was the one who iced him out, without even explaining why.
"I guess we know who gave you those love marks" Peter said raising his eyebrows.
"Looks like you cracked it" Sirius said smirking.
This lie hurt Remus. He hadn't minded at all that Sirius hadn't told everyone that it was Remus he had been with that night on the astronomy tower, in fact he'd preferred it. It was a secret between the two of them, and that was nice. He enjoyed blushing and looking down as James wildly guessed who Sirius had been with. But now Sirius was lying, and it almost seemed like Sirius was lying to himself. Like he could some how erase that moment from his mind, but with a painful feeling in his gut Remus realized that the moment would be stuck in his mind forever.