d e r e k .
I pull out of the hug, cupping my hands around Jules' cheeks.
"We're having a baby boy." I say, tears springing in the corner of my eyes.
She nods as a soft, excited smile dances on her lips.
I wipe the slight tears that fall down her cheeks with my thumbs.
I never imagined this would happen in a million years. Holy shit. I'm having a kid.
I glance at Jules as she smiles softly, talking to Dr. Kepner and Dr. Montgomery.
Dr. Kepner carefully approaches Jules' bedside, "Congratulations to the both of you. I'll be sure to pray for both you and your baby while you are in surgery." She states with a soft smile before giving Jules a hug.
"Thank you." Jules states as Dr. Kepner nods as a you're welcome, leaning over to give me a small, congratulating hug.
Dr. Montgomery and Dr. Kepner leave the room, leaving Jules and I alone.
I turn to Jules slightly, my eyes meeting hers. She seems distant, as though something is bothering her. I want to ask what's wrong, but I know it's probably about the fight and I really don't want to ruin the happy moment we just had.
I think for a moment, examining Jules closely.
She's distant, won't maintain eye contact for too long like she used to, her eyes constantly fixated on inatimate objects, constant biting of the inside of her lips and cheeks, and picking at the finger nails. When her eyes gaze into mine, they don't stay there for a while. She doesn't seem angry so it can't be about the fight. Her hands don't touch her body and she doesn't focus on the fetal monitor when zoning out, meaning it's not about the pregnancy or the near loss of our child. But when her eyes gaze back into mine for the final time, they're distant, they don't look at me the same -- her mind is constantly traveling meaning that she's thinking of a past memory. Her eyes seem distant but they're longing. This isn't about anything...this is about me...this is about us. She's thinking of reasons to stay in this relationship. Oh my God. I really did screw this up, didn't I?
"Jules..." I mumble, my hands touching hers in comfort.
Her eyes still seem distant and she stays quiet.
"Baby, talk to me, please." I beg.
"What is there to talk about Derek?" She asks, giving me a bit of the cold shoulder.
"Everything. We need to talk about the fight that happened between me and Luke at the BAU, the baby, our relationship..." I begin as she cuts me off.
She gazes at me, gnawing at the inside of her cheeks, her eyes flaming in anger as her cheeks flush.
"Tell me what's on your mind." I state, lacing my hands with hers.
"Are you truly happy we're having a kid or is that all an act for everyone to see?" She asks sternly.
"What the hell are you talking about?" I ask, my brow furrowing.
"You seem all dandy and excited when you found out that we're having a baby boy, but you had no fucking problem screaming at Luke and creating a scene infront of the entire team when you pulled a pregnancy test out of my purse..." She states sternly.
"How the hell do you expect me to react when you didn't even bother to tell me?" I ask, my tone low and stern.
Jules scoffs in anger, "I found out an hour in advance! You know that! You couldn't have put it back in my purse and asked about it later!?" She exclaims.
"You were never gonna tell me!" I say, noticing the distance in her tone.
Jules scoffs, rolling her eyes, "You are unbelievable, Derek Morgan! You know that? Yes I was! I was going to fucking tell you! I just couldn't at the time because I found out that my father was putting my mom and little brother in Witness Protection and for all I know, they could be dead by the time I get out of this fucking hospital! This is my second hospital visit in seven weeks! Does that not fucking alarm you in any fucking way!?" She exclaims.
"It does alarm me... I have been with you during every single hospital visit because I love you! That's the whole reason I'm here! Because I fucking love you! I have been in love with you since you were eighteen!" I exclaim, my tone heavy and shaky.
Jules goes quiet, "Well, I love you too..." She mumbles, "That's the fucking problem Derek!" She exclaims.
"How is that a problem?" I ask.
"We're so fucking toxic! Our relationship revolves around me! I'm constantly in the hospital or in danger -- I'm constantly putting you in danger. I'm damaged goods... We don't work because I'm the damaged goods in the relationship. Every mistake, every problem, every single fucking mess I make, you have to clean up." She states sternly.
I shake my head, "Look at me." I state as Jules refuses, her eyes watering.
"Baby, look at me. Right at me." I state, cupping my hands over her cheeks.
"Derek..." She says, her voice shaky.
I shake my head, "Jules, baby, I love you. That's not gonna change, whether this baby comes or not. You are the reason I double check my surrounding when I'm in a room while working the case -- so I can come back home to you. I check my phone at least six times every thirty seconds while you're investigating the unsub's warehouse when Hotch won't let us work in the field together, because I'm worried you might not come home to me. You're the reason I smile at my phone, you're the reason I stopped being the dog of the BAU and stopped going after every girl. You're the only girl I want. Why can't you understand that? You're the girl I want, every single damaged part of you. You're the girl I love. Fuck Hotch, I don't care what he says about our relationship and how it's unprofessional. We all know he's fucking Emily anyways." I state as Jules let's out a soft giggle, tears rolling down her cheeks.
"They probably are." She states, giggling softly.
"Yeah, they probably are." I restate, smiling brightly as I hear her giggle.
Her giggle is like music to my ears.
"I'm so scared..." She states, her voice a bit shaky.
"I know, baby. But I'll be here while you're in surgery. I'll be every step of the way." I state.
"Promise me you'll stay." She mumbles, her eyes longing as they meet mine.
I chuckle softly, "I, Derek Morgan, solemnly swear and pinky promise to never leave Julianna (Jules) Hotchner's side during this. If we lose our baby, it'll be okay -- we'll try again, and we'll mourn our loss as a family. I won't leave Jules because I love her and will not let her cope alone." I state, placing my hand up as I make myself take the oath.
Jules smiles softly, letting out a soft giggle.
"What?" I ask, playfully.
She shakes her head playfully, "You're so extra. You didn't have to take an entire oath stating that you'll stay." She giggles softly.
"It felt necessary." I state as she playfully hits me with a pillow.
I chuckle, "Oh, two can play that game." I state, grabbing another pillow off the hospital bed.
Our pillow fight gets interrupted as Hotch and the rest of the team walk in.
"Oh, are we interrupting something?" Emily chuckles.
"No, no you are not." I state as Jules and I come to an immediate halt during our pillow fight.
Luke chuckles, "Good because I just wanted to stop by and apologize." He states, coming over to me.
"This is for the baby." He states, handing me a small, gender neutral onesie shirt.
"Thank you." I state as he nods, "I'm sorry for busting up your face." I apologize as he chuckles.
"It's all good, really." He says, "I'm sorry for busting up yours." He apologizes.
I nod, "It's all good man." I state, taking a seat on the edge of the hospital bed.
Hotch clears his throat, "We just wanted to stop by and wish you and the baby good luck before the big surgery." He states.
"Thanks, Dad." She says.
He nods, giving Jules a small hug.
"Oh yeah, guess what." She says playfully as Hotch pulls out of the hug.
"What?" He asks.
"You're having a grandson." She states, a small smile appearing on her face as Hotch's jaw drops in surprise.
A bright smile appears on his face as he pulls Jules into a tight hug. The team cheers in excitement, taking turns to give me and Jules congratulatory hugs.
"Thank you, thank you all." We state, thanking them both with bright smiles on our faces.
There's a small knock on the door, doctors and nurses filling the room.
A small smile comes on Dr. Montgomery's face, "It's time for surgery, Julianna. You ready to go?" She asks.
Jules glances at me, her eyes longing as I nod slightly.
She turns to Dr. Montgomery, "I'm ready." She states, confidently.
"Okay, everyone can wait in the waiting room until Julianna is out. We will send out a nurse to let you all know if she is okay." She states, letting the entire team out of the hospital room.
I turn to Jules, scooting closer to her.
My hands cup her cheeks, "Listen to me, you hang in there, all right? Don't make me lose you so soon. Please. I cannot lose you. Our baby needs his momma. Our baby will make it out alive, he just needs a little bit of luck, which his momma and daddy are giving him. He'll be okay, all right? You both will pull through." I state as Jules nods.
"Derek..." She mumbles, "If I die.." She begins.
I shake my head, "No, this is not a conversation we will be having because you will make it out alive. Understood?" I ask.
Jules shakes her head, wiping tears off her cheeks, "Just listen to me. If I die, and this baby makes it out, make sure you give him one hell of a childhood and don't let him forget who I am. Okay?" I ask.
I shake my head, "He won't forget who you are because you aren't dying. Neither of you are. This baby will not be born premature, he will be born at the end of his term -- he will fight because he is strong, just like his daddy. And you are not dying, because you are the most badass, strongest, loving and most amazing profiler and woman I know. Okay? So you hang in there. Okay?" I state.
Jules nods as I lean in, our foreheads pressing against eachother as I cup my hands around her cheeks, trailing my fingers up and down her cheeks.
"I love you." I state.
"I love you." Jules states.
I lean in, giving her a long, everlasting kiss.
Dr. Montgomery unlatches her hospital bed as I climb off, wheeling her out of the room.
I walk out of the room, Dr. Kepner and Reid waiting for me patiently by the door.
"Come with us." Reid states as my brow furrows in confusion.
Dr. Kepner giggles, "You can come pray with me and then you and Spencer can get snacks from the cafeteria -- then I'll see if I can sneak you into the O.R. gallery so you can watch to make sure that nothing happens to either of them." She states reassuringly.
I nod in agreement as we walk to the chapel, taking seats near the front. I sit down, looking down at the ground at my eyes water.
Please God let Jules and our baby boy be okay...
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author's note:
hi lovelies! thank you all so much for 1.15k reads! i appreciate all the love and support that you guys have been giving me! you all deserve the world!
this chapter was so emotional for me to right, it was so tear-jerking for me. anyways, i really hope you all enjoyed this chapter! i love you all for the bottom of my heart <3
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