WARNING: mentions and demonstration of effects of PTSD
"Murdock, are you alright?"
"I'm fine."
"You just don't seem..."
"I'm fine, okay? I'm fine!" His voice rose, and you backed up a little bit. You held back a sob that still had the audacity to shake your body. His demeanor softened, and looked around the room.
Face had taken to trying to find you to comfort you - as he had been your friend the longest and the one to set the two of you up - Hannibal rose from his armchair and watched Face exit the room, and BA was just outside, probably bringing in the Christmas tree.
Murdock ran his hand through his hair and walked out the door past BA, who didn't see him at first because of the tree that Murdock had accurately predicted.
The snow crunched under his feet as he walked down the street. Why couldn't he just pull himself together?
Feeling another gust of wind, Murdock zipped up his jacket a little farther. Maybe it would have been better if he hadn't...
All of it moved so fast, his legs gave out underneath him as they slipped, arms flailing as he attempted to balance and someone caught him.
"Hey friend, I'm glad I happened upon you when I did, it could have been disastrous if I hadn't."
Murdock stood up, turning around to take a good look at who it was.
He had never seen this man before, although there was a strange familiarity in his eyes that Murdock just couldn't put a finger on.
"Thanks for helping me. I should probably be on my way now..." Murdock felt uncomfortable under the man's gaze, attempting to walk away.
"Where are you going? That's not the direction (Y/N) is."
Halted by the unsettling knowledge that the stranger had, he turned around again.
"What?"
"You almost made a wish earlier - do you remember what it was?"
Murdock reflected on his thoughts, then replying "That I hadn't met the A-Team or that I hadn't met (Y/N) at all. I haven't been much of a help and there's no use for me there."
"You don't think so?"
"I know so."
The stranger looked up at a flickering street lamp, and sighed. "Alright then, you have your wish."
Murdock shook his head. This guy was weird.
"You know what, this is a little too weird, even for my taste. I'm going home."
"They aren't there, H.M."
Ignoring the statement and the footsteps that followed him, he walked down the street, retracing his steps.
The house - left to you in your grandfather's will - was still there, but the lights were out, and it looked like nobody had touched it in several decades.
Murdock panicked, rubbing his eyes to see if it was just a trick of his mind.
"I told you, they aren't here."
"Where did you take them?" Murdock stepped towards the man, beginning to shake as he asked it. "Where are they? Are they okay?" His voice shook and he attempted to steady himself by holding onto the porch railing that he was certain would give him a splinter.
"Murdock, you were never a part of their lives. Hannibal died in an air raid down by the coast, Face didn't even make it to the front - his plane was shot down into the ocean before they got there. BA was falsely accused of desertion when the mission your team would have gone into went haywire, and he was the only surviving member after his other men were shot down. He was executed in military prison."
Murdock was shaking pretty bad now, and sat down on the top step.
"(Y/N) was discharged from the military because you weren't there to defend her in her falsely accused misuse of military information case. She then went missing and wasn't seen again."
Murdock's screams were deafening, as his body shook and the tears on his cheeks stung his chapped lips. Every memory he had was brought to mind and he felt so lost without his team - without you. His chest burned with guilt, and every muscle tensed. The only thing he wanted in this moment was to go home. Go home to his team - his family - and go home to you, where his true sense of home came from.
He noticed his light headedness, and drifted off into a restless reality.
———
Meanwhile, you and the team had piled into the van. Just a few minutes after Murdock left, the pit in your stomach deepened and you begged Hannibal to help you find him. With all three men agreeing immediately, the festivities coming to a halt as you went out into the night to find Murdock.
You guided them down where his usual walking route was, and BA slammed on the breaks and swerved into the curb when Hannibal spotted him.
He was unconscious on the sidewalk, but still breathing. You rushed to his side, gently patting his cheeks.
"Hey love, I need you to wake up for me, please... Murdock..." Face put a hand on your back, grounding you. There were wet spots on his T-shirt and you realized it was your tears you hadn't noticed that were there.
Hannibal came on the other side and put his arm around your shoulders. "Come on, (Y/N), let's get him to a hospital."
You let BA pull him up and lay him down in the back of the van, as you played with his fingers.
—————
"Hey you," Murdock came up behind you and hugged your shoulders, "how are you feeling?"
You sighed, leaning into his chest. "I'm okay. This... it's a lot." And it was true, the week spent in court was exhausting in every way possible.
"I know, Boo Bear, I know. I'm here if you need anything, you know th..."
"Murdock, I just need you."
With that, Murdock came and pulled you into his lap, gripping the blanket and draping it over the two of you. You turned the TV on, with one of your favorite Christmas movies in the VCR, and everything was perfect.
"Thank you for being warm. I can't seem to stay warm by myself."
He chuckled, sending reverberations in his chest and you snuggled closer.
"Hey, can I get in on this action?" Face came up in front of the couch.
Murdock looked to you, and you nodded. "Yeah Face, come on in!"
Eventually, Hannibal took the adjacent armchair and BA sat on the floor in front of the couch.
"Why is this your favorite, (Y/N)? Hannibal turned to you about halfway through.
"I just enjoy how real it is. Sometimes you just need a reminder that life isn't easy and that it's okay to be human and have emotions. And besides, it has the best ending."
He nodded, and Murdock kissed your forehead.
——————
Murdock slowly opened his eyes, to find you and the team in the room. Your head rested on the bed by his hands, where you held his between your own. He smiled, gently squeezing them and you raised your head, smiling back.
"Hey." He whispered.
"Hey. I'm glad you're okay."
Murdock didn't reply, his gaze just met yours with glossy eyes and a slight shaking in his hands. You sat like this for a while, knowing he just needed a moment.
Finding his hands more steady, you stood up and woke up the others, who all greeted him before Face sweet-talked the nurse into discharging Murdock.
The ride home was quiet, besides the radio that BA insisted stay on.
Murdock seemed to relax a little more when the van finally made it to the house. He took note of the well-kept yard, the sanded and perfectly painted porch, the deep color of the front door, and that everyone was here. With him. It helped ground his emotions and calm down a little more.
You squeezed his knee, and left to go inside with a smile. Face pulled Murdock aside, putting an arm around his shoulder.
"I know where you're at, Murdock. And I'm here for you."
Murdock smiled, putting an arm around Face's shoulder. "Thanks Face."
"But you know, I think it's about time you told her."
Murdock blushed, making Face laugh. "Faceman, I'm not so sure. We're still in the beginning stages of..."
"I know, but I can only see it in her eyes and listen to how much she cares before saying something to you about it."
Murdock turned his head. "She's really..."
"Yep. A lot. Trust me, you wouldn't regret it if you decided to."
Murdock gave it thought for another second, and the door opened to reveal you with tinsel around your shoulders. "You guys coming in?"
Murdock looked to Face and nodded, and they came inside.
The night, even though it was beginning to be really late, was spent decorating the Christmas tree and simultaneously baking cookies that almost burned several times. But it all miraculously turned out - and you were pleased with everything.
You started a movie on the VCR, and Hannibal took the armchair he usually used and BA, the floor. Face was nowhere to be found, but Murdock was at your side, helping you finish decorating the cookies and laughing your heads off while sitting at
"Hey," you nudged his shoulder with yours, "how are you feeling? I noticed you were struggling a little earlier."
He bowed his head, smile dwindling a little, but brightening as soon as he made eye contact again.
"It's okay if you don't want to talk about it. I can be a great distraction."
He stopped, looking at you. "Yes, you can be. And you are."
You paused, taking note of how serious he was.
"(Y/N), I need to tell you something." He turned on his stool to face you.
"Alright, Murdock. Anything." When you turned, you noticed Face holding mistletoe over Murdock's head.
"I love you. To the moon and back, Boo Bear."
You smiled, leaning a little closer. "I love you too, Murdock. More than you know."
His blush increased by a thousand degrees, and you laughed. "We've got a little predicament, love."
"What is that?"
"There's mistletoe."
He laughed, taking your face in his hands. "You had me worried there for a second, I thought you were being serious."
It was not that it was your first kiss that made it magical, it was that you felt at home. You could feel it in your core, and it radiated all through your body, and out through your fingertips. His lips on yours, it was like a poem that you didn't ever want to end.