"Finally huh, finally you got the time to call ?"
"Hmm, uncle just went to bed a few minutes ago. I had a feeling that this was not going to be a pleasant conversation, so I thought I should spare him the awkwardness of witnessing a nasty fight! So how are you doing miss Rai."
Rai was marvelling at the nerves of this guy. Sitting at her home, probably snuggling in her bed, without her invitation or consent, having ignored her angry messages, this guy had the nerves to spin jokes on her?
"What the hell are you doing at my house Raghav?"
"I just came to meet uncle."
"Why... didn't I tell you there's no need for all this...then why?"
"You are acting like....like I am going to steal something from your house. I am NOT, ok? Neither am I here to ask uncle to convince you into marrying me." You could tell he was upset from the sudden change in his tone . "Now listen.. its not like we are strangers. We met when uncle came to Paris last time, and we had a great time back then. Whether you accept it or not, you are special to me, and uncle is the most special person in your life. So doesn't it make sense that while I am in India, I should visit him ...just you know...to see how he is doing."
When Rai kept quiet, Raghav took a deep breath and continued with the ranting "I asked you for the address, but you didn't give me. So I messaged uncle on Facebook, and he was more than happy to have me here. You know what.. uncle is way cooler than you...Ms. Rai Dutta. "
Now Rai was feeling small and confused. Her vision began to blur, and drops of sweat started to break out on her temple. Raghav was right, why couldn't he visit her home, to check on her dad or just like that. After her father if there was anyone who meant something to her, it was Raghav. Then why was she upset with him? Why did it make her angry and restless? As a child she would always look forward to someone visiting her. When and how had she changed so much? There was something, an almost unsettling feeling in her stomach, like she was standing at the edge of the cliff...but she couldn't put a finger on what it was.
"You know me Rai, I don't carry around hidden agenda. I just.."
"I am...I am sorry Raghav. I don't know why I...", her voice had softened but she sounded lost.
"Its ok.. I thought I'd tell you a something..but.."
"Tell me....please"
Raghav hesitated a bit, but when Rai insisted a couple of times, he let on. "These few hours that I have been here, I have absolutely loved it. Your home is beautiful Rai, it has such an unpretentious, warm soul... just like you. I could feel your here...in the walls, in the photographs and paintings that hung on them, in this bed that I lying on right now, in your pillows, your cute teddy toys. Actually I asked uncle if I could take one, and now I have your 'Pikachu'..its mine now..
I felt like I already knew every nook and corner of this place from the numerous stories you have told me over the years. Its surreal, like I was travelling back in time to meet a younger Rai, to share her dreams and joys and memories. I literally had goosebumps.. Rai. The only thing missing was you....you were bloody darn missed."
Raghav's family lived in a two storied Bungalow in Delhi. That he could be perfectly at home in her matchbox sized flat in a middleclass neighbourhood in old Kolkata, was weird and weirdly comforting at the same time. It was one thing for them to meet in Paris, where they were equals, but the moment you came to India, the equation turned upside down. They had nothing in common - not the way they were raised, the schools they went to, the societies they lived in, the cultures they inherited, the festivals they celebrated, Raghav didn't even understand her mother tongue. And yet, he had travelled so far to gather her memories, to search for her in places she had left behind years ago. Memories came rushing back to her, haunting memories of that Diwali day eons ago when the first guy she had ever loved, had stood her up, butchering away her childlike innocence, snatching away her sense of selfworth and leaving her scarred for life .
Something was shifting in Rai....and out of nowhere she blurted, "I am not used to all this Raghav.."
"To what?"
"I am not used to people showing up"
"I know, and I want to tell you I have showed up, even if you didn't ask me to. And I will keep showing up, until you get used to it."
"I don't understand you Raghav. I don't understand why you are still around...why you are doing this. Its been complicated between us, and I am the reason. I am not easy to be with, and of course not easy to love...let's admit it, you are bright, handsome, and you are doing great for yourself, you could get someone really nice and way cooler than me. Why are you wasting your precious years on a messed up girl like me."
"What do you think, I didn't ask that to myself? I did, and truth be told sometimes you do piss me off, when you think you are acting smart but actually you are just being dumb. And guess what, better or worse, there's no dearth of women to date if I wish to. But then every time I have been pissed off, I have realized no one's like you. Well, no one's like no one else, because we all are unique, but you are just something different you know. You are one heck of a girl!
In all my 32 years, I haven't met a single person who is 3 and 16 and 30 and 60 at the same time, who is dead serious one minute and a total goofball the very next. I haven't met a person who has such solid old school ethics, and whose heart can cry even for strangers. There are a lot of intelligent people, a lot of PHDs and post docs, but I haven't met anyone who can talk about anything and everything, whose mind works in 10 dimensions and yet she is the most humble person ever. I haven't met a girl in my life who has never used makeup beyond a lipstick, who lives in one pair of sneakers, and yet when she has to buy someone a gift, she'd pick the most expensive one. When she climbs on the stage and grabs the mike.. the entire auditorium sparkles, when she narrates a story, you don't just hear it..you see it. I haven't found a better and stricter friend , except of course my own mother. I haven't found anyone else who is so kind and generous with her time, who has bathed and fed me when I was in hospital...And this is why I can never leave, because heck I know I won't find another girl like that..."
"But relationships can't survive on one's qualities alone, they need love and trust, And I am too damaged to give you either. I am not imagining this, am I. That's what I have been doing with you all these years." Rai was sobbing now.
"You are not damaged Rai, you are scarred. And you don't need healing..you need some basic fixing in your head.. I have known this for a long time, but never dared to tell you...
Even though you can enthral an audience with your speech, when it comes to your own feelings, you don't know how to voice them. You internalise all the hurt when you should be kicking people around. You are such an intelligent person, but when it comes to love, you don't use your brain at all. Not everyone deserves your love or loyalty, some in fact deserve to have their asses put on fire. Don't kill me for saying this but we all need to experience heartbreak, so we know who not to choose. Love in itself is not tragic, it's the choices we make in love that either make it a dream or a nightmare. And no matter how many movies or novels tell you to listen to your heart, listen to your head when it rings the 'Asshole alert'.
Get up, smell some coffee, take a good look in the mirror and spit out that 'I am damaged' story for good. You are absolutely rocking, remind yourself that. Life is too short to carry scars given by idiots. Why should you bloody cry for people who didn't value you, and in turn push away those who do?"
And then there was silence, except for Rai's tears. She cried and cried till the load sitting on her chest began to melt away, and even though her eyes began to puff up and her nose started running, her heart felt lighter than it had in ages. When she finally calmed down, she asked "Did dad ask you anything about us?"
"No, but he understands."
"What?"
"That he need not worry about you any more, that's what parents worry about..don't they? He understands that he can trust me... and i'd be there for you even if we are not together in a conventional relationship."
"Can I ask you something?"
"Sure"
"Would you marry me, if I said 'yes' "?
"In a heartbeat."
"Then can you please settle this with dad tomorrow. It's a little awkward between us you know."
"Wait....whaaaaaat?"
------ X -------
THE END.